Love, sex and tears. Echo of swear words
The marriage is bursting at the seams. The third. Honestly, I can't even believe that it could be otherwise … But I really wanted to create a friendly family, love my husband, raise children. But something didn't work out over and over again. Along with a great desire to love there was some kind of incomprehensible tension, inability to relax in communication with a loved one, let alone intimacy. Caress, tenderness, hugs brought more pleasure than sex. During sex, the opposite happened, as if the body collapsed and stopped responding …
The marriage is bursting at the seams. The third. Honestly, I can't even believe that it could be otherwise … But I really wanted to create a friendly family, love my husband, raise children. But something didn't work out over and over again. Along with a great desire to love there was some kind of incomprehensible tension, inability to relax in communication with a loved one, let alone intimacy. Even a man adored to the depths of his soul could not deliver physical pleasure. Caress, tenderness, hugs brought more pleasure than sex. During sex, the opposite happened, as if the body collapsed and stopped responding.
I want very much. And I can't. As if cutting off all feelings and sensations. I can't relax, I hate myself for it. And I do not want such a repetition. As if you are dead, while inside you are storms, desires, passion, tenderness, love … It's unbearable.
Barriers between us
There are many reasons why a relationship may not work out. From a misunderstanding of oneself, one's desires to a misunderstanding of a partner, an endless tragedy of false expectations, behind which we do not see a living person, unlike ourselves, with our own desires, values, sore spots and strengths. From the banal ignorance of how to build relationships to the systematic destruction of any possibility of happiness with their bad states, absolute self-focus.
But there is one more reason hidden from the eyes deep in the unconscious and therefore especially insidious. And until we get to it, we do not realize, we cannot neutralize it, continuing to repeatedly stumble upon non-existent obstacles, to be disappointed in relationships, even having all the possibilities for happiness.
Intimate connection - nakedness of soul and body
Most often, the relationship between a man and a woman is primarily based on attraction. Then, based on this attraction, the two open up to each other emotionally. It can be the other way around - first there is an emotional connection, then a sexual one. The emotional connection in a couple is the very foundation that makes us the only one for each other. Not in a moment of passion, but for life. This special state of nakedness of souls in front of each other, gradual disclosure, interpenetration creates an unthinkable intimacy, that very intimate connection that holds a man and a woman together with invisible threads into one indivisible whole.
We are happy not from a moment of passion, but much deeper, we touched not only at the level of bodies, but also feelings, thoughts, at the level of the soul. This makes a person not just desirable, but truly dear, close, an indivisible part of yourself. When this happens, we experience a sense of flight from the relationship. This union with a man gives a deep sense of security and safety to a woman and incredible inspiration to live and act for a man. And it starts with a woman. No wonder they say: look for a woman. Of course, a man should also be able to pick up the tone that a woman sets. But the primary message comes from her.
And if not?.. If a woman is squeezed in a vice? If she is constantly in contradiction with herself, she does not understand what is happening to her. She is tense, cannot relax either physically or even at the level of communication … In this state, she is not able to fully create an emotional connection and feel pleasure in bed.
An elusive pleasure. I want and I can not
She suffers, he suffers. Both don't understand what's going on. After all, there is a desire to enjoy, and as if everything is there for this, but it does not work out. The search for an answer to the question "why" can turn into tension in the relationship, an attempt to change partners, hushing up the problem leads to distance. The experience of an unhappy relationship can last for years. At some point, apathy sets in. A person gives up, thinking that, apparently, the joy of intimate relationships is not for him. But the desire doesn't go anywhere! Remaining unfulfilled, it accumulates and causes great pain.
For example, a person with an anal vector has a great libido, if he does not realize it, does not feel satisfaction from sexual relations, then his frustration grows, which will be expressed in resentment, a desire to criticize, when everything is wrong and everything is not that way, to devalue and talk nasty things, hurting with words and even physically, especially in this case, goes to children. A person can imperceptibly begin to grow overgrown with dirt, he no longer strives, as before, for purity - this indicates his inner frustrations. Although at a certain stage there is another extreme - "licking" everything to the last speck of dust as an attempt to compensate for the shortfall in another kind of implementation.
Paralysis of the senses from false shame
The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan allows us to look into the most distant and hidden nooks of the soul and understand what so prevents us from building relationships, which does not allow us to receive joy from them.
One of the frequent reasons for the inability to receive the pleasure given to us by nature from the intimacy of a man and a woman is associated with … swear words. Yuri Burlan deeply analyzes the most important aspects of this issue in his lectures.
Man is a taboo being. In order for a species to fulfill its main task, to survive, reproduce and develop, we must all follow certain conditions of a joint community. And one of these conditions is a prohibition on inappropriate sexual behavior in a woman and on an attraction that does not lead to reproduction or threaten it in a man.
These taboos regulate our behavior through shame - female shame does not allow a woman to seduce anyone (otherwise men could kill each other because of a woman). Shame in a man limits his sexual attraction, keeping him out of children, adolescents and men.
And this is a normal shame. The problem arises when shame arises where it shouldn't be. And the emergence of this false shame that paralyzes us in intimate relationships is very often associated with swear words.
Mat is a word about sex
All obscene words in the senses are about the sexual. It is through the swear word that a six-year-old child first gets a guess about where the children come from. Nature has provided a safe mechanism for "reanimation" of the meanings about sex suppressed in us by a significant layer of culture. So that at the hour when a man and a woman in love are alone, they intuitively know what to do.
Normally, we first hear a mat at the age of six, from a peer with an oral vector, and without receiving any trauma from this, we safely go through the stage of primary sexual education. But this is not always the case.
Where did you get this stuff from?
How does a child behave when he hears a new word he does not understand? He asks mom what it means. This often happens with an abusive word. When faced with it for the first time, the child experiences an incomprehensible excitement, it can even be accompanied by somatic reactions: tremors, palpitations occur, sweating increases. The child is caught up with a guess about something adult, hidden, intimate, which he does not yet know. Excited by this unusual word, the child runs to his mother, to tell about what happened. At the peak of excitement, he either blurts out the word he has heard, or at the last moment freezes, not daring to pronounce it, fearing punishment.
What about a parent? What does he feel when the child says this? He is outraged and ready to use repressive measures, so that next time "it would not be appropriate" to pronounce these "vile words." Not always, but very often the parent, more often the mother, scolds the child, not even realizing that every word will settle with a heavy anchor in his psyche.
“Where did you get this dirt from? Only the last podzaborny drunkards say such disgusting! Good girls / well-mannered boys do not allow themselves to say such words! You will say that again, your mother pushes you on the lips and will no longer love you!"
How the clean becomes dirty
Since swearing in the sense of sex, what we hear at the peak of arousal from the most significant person turns out to be the decisive factor that will determine our further sexual behavior and attitude towards intimacy. In a sense, my mother said: "Sex is dirty and unworthy, having sex means losing my mother's love, and so on." What kind of joy in a relationship with such attitudes can we talk about?
The hardest thing is that then we do not remember either mother's words or our reactions and, of course, do not understand where we got the tension in front of our partner, the constraint of our body, the tightness, the inability to open up even to a loved one, sexual coldness up to the complete reluctance of sexual relationships. We have fixed shame where it shouldn't be. This lays in us a sense of lewdness in relation to sex, everything that is associated with intimate relationships. Consciously, this shame is insurmountable, because it comes from the unconscious, a person does not understand what is happening to him.
The same effect on intimate relationships, only even more pronounced, occurs when the child hears the first obscene words from the parents. Even an obscene word that accidentally escaped from the lips in the presence of a child can cause serious consequences.
Swearing should never be heard from parents in the presence of children, this affects the oldest taboo on incest. When a beloved adorable daddy or mommy suddenly utters an abusive word, it sounds like a bolt from the blue, shocking and unacceptable. The word about sex from the parent introduces the child into the strongest embarrassment, the guess is fixed about the forbiddenness, the inadmissibility of what is hidden behind this word, that is, sexual. Taboo, impossible, unworthy.
A person can be perfectly developed, ready to love, but at the same time he is not able to enjoy intimate relationships, cannot relax at the moment of intimacy, or even repulses the very thought of sex. This trauma from childhood is sitting in his unconscious.
When a woman becomes fallen
Men, by virtue of their natural predestination to orgasm, even having received a trauma in childhood with an obscene word heard from their parents, as a rule, do not lose the ability to enter into sexual relations, but their ability to build relationships may be impaired, just like women.
Sex, joint intimate experiences, instead of tremendous joy, bring inexplicable discomfort. At the moment of sex, a woman turns from pure in the eyes of such a man into a fallen one. This is an unconscious, untraceable process. The mood suddenly spoils. It's just that instead of wings behind my back after proximity, there is some kind of discomfort. But for a man, desire for a woman is the main fuel of life, energy that pushes to achieve and achieve.
From the greatest constructive potential, the relationship between a man and a woman turns into something else - tense, complex, conflict. After all, desire does not go anywhere, and satisfaction is not received. And we don't even know what the reason is. We often blame the partner, the time, the place … we change the person, but the problem remains.
This is especially true for men with an anal vector, for whom the concept of purity in everything is a key factor, on which the ability to enjoyment largely depends.
Reanimation of Childhood Horror
Imagine a quarrel. When the father shouts at the mother, the mother at the father, they throw out their pain and hatred on each other, express the most difficult words. A child, especially a girl, in such a situation absolutely loses the feeling of being protected and safe, and feels helpless. And at this moment of the strongest emotional stress, he hears obscene words from his father or mother. The feeling of inadmissibility and filth, which awakens the obscene word from the mouth of the parent, and even negatively charged by the quarrel, is superimposed on the horror and loss of a sense of security in the child. In the senses, this is a shock: sex, the relationship between a man and a woman? Never! Never! Better to die than this … Strongest fear, a desire to end this horror, to protect my mother from her father and absolute helplessness.
The experience is fixed in the unconscious. The danger to the mother is regarded by the child as a danger to himself, in such conditions he cannot develop normally, only defend himself. The girl has an urge to rescue, to flee. And that is how she will unconsciously perceive a close relationship with a man - as a potential danger, too great to open up. Even mentally, not like physically.
“A man is a danger, we must run and be saved” - this is written in our unconscious in red letters, cries and expletives of our parents, which are forever imprinted on the brain. Against this background, a woman may develop various abnormalities, including vaginismus, the inability to enter into close relationships. It just collapses, it is not ready to interact. Where even greater intimacy was expected, she does not create it, but unconsciously avoids it. Both emotionally and sexually.
The vicious circle of negative script
Living most of their lives in fruitless attempts to find their happiness in a couple, men and women accumulate disappointments, negative experiences, draw wrong conclusions, and this further exacerbates the situation. From which there seems to be no way out.
Accumulating frustrations break through with words of hatred, irritation, tears and resentment. And that is often - swear words. We say them out of unbearable inner pain, wanting to humiliate, hurt in return, trample. Words of frustration and helplessness. Which exacerbate bad conditions even more. Pronouncing obscene words in such a negative sense, we finally associate what is meant to be the cleanest between a man and a woman with dirty, vicious, unacceptable.
When we swear with obscene words, we devalue our own sexuality, nullify the ability to receive any satisfaction from sexual relations. Can dirt bring joy, does indecency promote the unity of souls and bodies, can what we endow with hatred and hostility can give rise to trust, the reckless ability to fall into the arms of a loved one?.. Swearing, we betray our brightest dreams.
Feeling safe and secure
A sense of security and safety is not only a need for children, it is our common need. A woman gets a sense of security from a man, a child from a mother. This is the foundation on which trust is born. In the case of psychotrauma, a swear word heard in the parents' scandals, the girl not only loses her sense of security and safety in that situation, but often continues to unconsciously perceive the man as a danger. Moreover, if he reanimates the resulting psychotrauma with aggressive behavior, shouts, the use of obscene words. A woman cannot feel a sense of security and safety next to him, she is tense. And this can affect her fertility. In general, a sense of security and safety, confidence in the alimony of oneself and the child plays a huge role in a woman's desire and ability to become a mother.
Awareness is freedom from the bondage of false shame
The great news is that when we realize the mechanism of our reactions and traumas, when we work them out in training, reveal the essence of the relationship between a man and a woman, sexuality, emotional intimacy, we cease to be victims of the received traumas and get out of their control. The natural ability to enjoy intimate relationships returns, we are no longer limited by false shame where it should not be.
Sexuality and emotional intimacy are very closely intertwined. It is the emotion, the innermost feelings shared between two close people, that create the preconditions for even deeper and more fulfilling sexual relations. When false shame goes away, nothing holds us back from the desire to reveal to each other both body and soul. There is no more a sense of danger, "indecency", embarrassment, there is a desire to give love, understanding of a partner, his desires, this creates the preconditions for trust and inclusion in each other without looking back. There are no more barriers. They are swept away. Hundreds of women who have undergone training in systemic vector psychology were able to feel the sweetness of unity with a man, although recently they considered themselves cold …
Life can begin at any moment, just want to …
