How to stop loving a person: free from the captivity of painful addiction
There is no answer to the question of how to stop loving a person whom you love very much, until there is a clear explanation of why you generally fell in love with him. Why exactly this, and not someone else - the people around are full and full? Why does a person suddenly become special and unique for you, as necessary as air? And what happens with love addiction?
I'll start from the end: I managed to solve the problem of how to stop loving a person. This love caused only suffering, and none of us wants to suffer.
The necessary knowledge was given by the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan. Details on how you managed to put things in order in your head and in your heart, in this article.
Honesty with yourself
To begin with, I had to admit to myself the following: it was not love as such that interfered with a normal life. Just imagine: somewhere at the dawn of your foggy youth, you had your first love. Or even in childhood, it happened in gold, in a kindergarten group. Does she seriously interfere with your life today?
Obviously not. Quite the opposite. Some pleasant, warm memories that warm the heart have been preserved from her. And there is no need to somehow artificially blot out them, erase them from memory. In a sense, this love has long become a part of yourself, your soul, your past.
This simple distinction makes it clear that the question of how to stop loving a person would be better rephrased as follows: how to get rid of dependence on this person? How to stop spinning in your head something that “could have been, but will never happen”? How to stop rummaging through these memories and yearning, how do you ever want to build a new couple with someone else? It is only from the right questions that you can push off in order to solve the problem.
And then psychoanalysis comes to the rescue, which allows you to understand what exactly is happening to you and why.
"Live in your head": who registered there and how he got there
A sound vector was found in the structure of my psyche. Strange people - sound people, slightly "out of this world." Such people care little about the prices of sausage - give them the meaning of life. Their special, by nature very sensitive hearing makes them sensitive to the sounds and meanings of speech.
What does love have to do with it? But at what. Each of us in relationships wants to enjoy, but in each vector this pleasure is special. Sounds, for example, can get bogged down depending on the person for the following reasons:
- The timbre of the voice of a loved one. It would seem, what's wrong with that? But if in childhood you were often shouted at, scolded, then this caused severe pain to the sensitive hearing. And suddenly someone appears with a low, lowish, soft and velvety voice - just a balm for sound ears. How can one give up this pleasure?
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For the first time you have found an “equal” interlocutor. People with a sound vector often fall into this trap, who, for various reasons, have never met with "their own kind" before. In fact, not so few sound specialists are born by nature - about 5%. But if such people are not observed in your environment, then there is a false feeling that you are the only one “out of this world” in this Universe.
No one is interested anymore why we live, what is the meaning of what is happening around us. And to maintain idiotic conversations about the weather, fashion and shopping is just sick of it. With these people there is not even anything to drink coffee about, and even more so there is nothing to have sex about and live together. And then He appears, the man of your dreams, the same as you. With him you can talk about infinity and eternity. Or even be silent, sitting together under the starry sky. And if the relationship did not work out? Then it seems that you will never meet someone like him - simply because you have never met such people before.
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When a loved one is practically "God in the flesh." Another problem for women with a sound vector is sound transference. This term means that a woman-sound person can transfer her natural desire to reveal the non-physical, infinite and eternal beginning (the Creator) to a completely physical object - a man.
In this situation, it doesn't even matter whether you have a paired relationship or not. Platonic feelings are fine. It is enough that your "God" exists, he is somewhere. And if you also manage to see him with your own eyes at least sometimes - it's just happiness.
This can go on for quite a long time, until the desires of other vectors (besides the sound) put the question inside you point-blank: how to stop loving a person who does not love you at all, who does not need you?
Enjoyment from the search for cause-and-effect relationships, from the disclosure of meaning. Here it doesn't matter whether we are talking about a man or a woman with a sound vector. The natural desire of all sound specialists is to reveal the cause-and-effect relationships of everything that we observe in this world. Be aware of the causes of events and phenomena.
And what happens with love addiction? All this huge potential of knowledge is directed in a narrow channel - to the object of love. “Why didn't it work out for us - could it be otherwise? Why did we meet in this life at all, because there are no accidents? What did our meeting mean, why did this person appear in my life, what is the meaning of this? Such questions can occupy the mind for months or even years. As a result, a person with whom no happiness came together literally lives in your head, occupying all thoughts.
Having discovered the symptoms described, I had to look for a way out. In fact, in any vector, he is always the same: to realize natural desires, aspirations on his own. For a sound engineer, in this case, it means to comprehend something more than the loss of a failed stellar idyll. For example, the reasons for the fate of various people or world events. Any of our personal, "special cases" are included in the general system. It is part of how the eight-dimensional mental matrix of all humanity works. These are 8 vectors, which are described by the training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan.
As the general was revealed, more came the answers to their smaller problems. It became clear what exactly was holding in the grip of dependence, and gradually it seemed to let go. By the way, sound transfer and dependence on the timbre of a person's voice also go away. And you start to meet other sound people, like-minded people more and more often. And you look at all "light like a wedge and did not converge" on that person, in whose place you could not even imagine anyone before.
How to stop loving a person you love very much: about strong feelings and what to do with them
Most of the modern inhabitants of the city are polymorphic, that is, by nature, we simultaneously have the properties of several vectors. Mortal anguish, which did not allow me to live without a loved one, was a "native" from the visual vector of the psyche.
Visual people have their own desires and their own principle of pleasure. In short, it can be formulated as follows: it is the need to experience strong, vivid emotions. Live life as sensually as possible.
The properties of this vector gave their color to how and why I managed to get into a hopeless relationship. And why it was so difficult to get out of them:
Imagination. A good thing when used for its intended purpose. Nature gives it to visual people for implementation in various fields: to create something new in science (to invent something that did not exist before), to create masterpieces of painting, theater and cinema, etc. But it happens that there is no worthy field. And all this treasure is directed into a pair relationship. What's coming out?
Well, for example, you can mentally marry, buy a house, give birth and raise a couple of children with a person who, in general, has no sleep or spirit about these thoughts. But sensually lived - it is quite real in its own way, felt with all the soul. And then - a painful disappointment that none of these fantasies came true.
There may be little pleasant fantasies - for example, you have a relationship, but you are painfully afraid of losing them. What does not enter the head here, it is worth a loved one to be late from work for half an hour! Already mentally scrolled and pictures of betrayal, and the accident, and the funeral. The state of mind that these experiences bring you into is not conducive to normal dialogue when meeting.
The worse the better. Amazingly, I was able to find somewhere mournful and unhappy partners. There could be a bunch of options: an unrecognized genius, a "lone wolf", a social maladaptive, a seriously ill patient, etc. They had one thing in common: they had to feel sorry for them, sympathize (as an option, to melt the ice of a hopelessly frozen man with a difficult fate) and fill boundless love.
Later it turned out that such a scenario develops in many spectators, who were limited in the manifestation of feelings in childhood. They were forbidden to cry, to show strong emotions. As a result, you can only fall in love with someone who, at least, causes pity and empathy. And it is desirable even in someone with whom life will be full of tragic, dramatic feelings. For the "especially advanced" there is also unrequited, unrequited love.
I also had a chance to puzzle over how to stop loving a person who does not love you. And the casket opened simply: it turned out that it was my own desire, hidden in the unconscious, to experience strong, deep feelings. And this despite the fact that bad experience has always convinced me that it is better to "feel nothing at all." Where there is - these are just mindsets! They do not change anything in our unconscious desires, which we do not control.
Self-provocation. Intellectually, everyone understands that if you want to figure out how to stop loving a person, then at least you shouldn't wind yourself up again. For example, track every movement of this person on social networks. Fooling yourself - what did he write the post about, does it have anything to do with you and your relationship? Provoke mutual acquaintances to tell some news about him, etc.
But we do it anyway. Although we know that we shouldn't. Why? The answer is the same - the viewers want strong emotions, deep feelings. And even if the object of passion is not in sight, then we find ways to get these emotions. We emotionally rock ourselves.
What is the way out of this situation? In the implementation of natural properties. There are, of course, radical measures where to direct such a huge need for strong feelings, for empathy. This is volunteer work with the sick and the weak. But not all of us have such a desire.
To begin with, I managed to find a simpler way - just to track myself in those situations that require our emotional participation, but we ignore them. For example, I don’t want to hear my neighbor grandmother complaining again. She's so non-positive. I don’t want to communicate with a friend who suddenly fell ill with an incurable disease - it’s both awkward and it’s not clear what to say to him, how to support him. I'm afraid. Etc.
Over and over again we do not respond to the need of other people for empathy (we do not realize our unique talent), and in our unconscious we develop a lack. Those strongest experiences. And the more we accumulate it, the greater the chance that it will shoot again in the personal field. We'll have to worry a lot and seriously. Therefore, now I try to respond to the need of others for compassion immediately, following fresh footsteps.
If such attempts give rise to fear or internal protest in you, it is best to go through the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan yourself. In the visual vector, there may be various injuries or anchors that prevent you from realizing your sensuality in a constructive way.
When memory becomes your executioner
For many people, the question of how to stop loving a person carries another hidden meaning: how to forget him? Only carriers of the anal vector are endowed with phenomenal memory by nature. Such a memory carefully stores all the smallest details, all the details of the past.
You probably already guessed that nature gives any vector a certain talent for a reason - with its help we bring something useful and necessary from ourselves to the whole society, to all people. And when we do not give to others, then the "overabundance" of our natural desires is directed only into a personal channel and orderly ruins our lives.
With the memory in the anal vector, everything is the same. This talent is given by nature in order to ideally assimilate the experience and knowledge accumulated by humanity, and then transfer them to other people. Therefore, the best teachers and mentors come from the owners of such a memory. And if there are also sound or visual vectors in addition, they are excellent scientists.
It was found that when the memory is constantly busy with the analysis and ordering of new information, its processing, memories of the personal past come to mind much less often. And if there is also realization (that is, the transfer of this information to someone else), then the vessel of your memory becomes literally "flowing". It ceases to resemble a stagnant swamp, in which each tadpole reminds of what one would like to forget.
There are many other features in the anal vector that can delay the solution of the problem, how to stop loving a person who does not love you or with whom it simply did not work out. For instance:
- Natural desire for a totally monogamous relationship. Devotion and swan loyalty to one partner, the desire to have the same relationship for life at all costs.
- Failure to finish, put an end to it, complete something. If in other cases such a feature is also traced, then in relationships it will certainly affect.
- A tendency to resent a former partner or loved one. Resentment falls like a heavy stone on the soul and does not allow to build other relationships.
- The tendency to generalize. If one partner turned out to be a "freak", then it seems that now all of the representatives of this sex are "only freaks around." This, of course, does not add to the chances of taking place in a pair in the future.
If love is chemistry, then where is the formula?
There is no answer to the question of how to stop loving a person whom you love very much, until there is a clear explanation of why you generally fell in love with him. Why exactly this, and not someone else - the people around are full and full? Why does a person suddenly become special and unique for you, as necessary as air? After all, you used to live calmly for yourself and did not even suspect about its existence.
From personal experience, you can show only a few offhand examples of how and why we fall into the trap of hopeless love. But you can fully disclose the nature of each of your clues to painful relationships only yourself, understanding the structure of your psyche.
This gives everyone a guaranteed result: getting rid of love addiction and the ability to consciously choose the best couple for oneself and build the happiest relationships.
