Don't hit baby
When we feel satisfaction (fulfillment, fullness), then there is no aggression. And when tension, anger, pain, then aggression is right there. And it breaks out, of course, where it is easiest and they will not give back. The inner demon craves a backhand beating.
What is the reason for the dissatisfaction? How to get rid of the desire to punish a child by beating?
Aggression flares up so suddenly, as if it were not me! Someone stranger guides my feelings, injects the hormones of aggression into my blood out of the blue, craves cruelty or revenge up to the destruction of the "guilty". Shock.
The baby's little body is already shuddering with sobs. My daughter has disturbed the order and knows that I am angry and start to swear. She frantically tries to get dressed as soon as possible for a walk, flickers along the corridor, looking for a jacket and boots. And I look at her from behind - and so sorry! I want to send everything to hell, all my orders, hug her tightly and tell her never to cry again.
But I am silent. Someone stranger in me strangles this impulse of the heart, throws rationalizations into thoughts and fire into feelings. To be honest with yourself, you will have to admit that someone inside is yelling: "BY-E-HEY !!!" Hit the trembling little body that you want to squeeze and regret. I suppress myself. Go for a walk. But my mother is already absent in my face. I feel like I'm beaten from the inside. I don't feel love for a child. I don't want to get in touch. Formally I walk alongside. Now this is the maximum I am capable of - not succumbing to my inner urge to hit.
It's not me
But I'm kind. I know this for sure - I always help everyone. I am the first Chip and Dale on any call for help. And I will cure everyone, and I will listen, and I will take clothes to a large family, and I will pick up the homeless animals. How I was expecting this child - in dreams and breathlessly. The wings grew from the thought of how I would love the baby. And this is actually the case. Before I can leave the house, I am already bored and worried. My heart skips a beat from childish babble. And the smile from the face does not leave with emotion. But if the child is guilty - that's it, the end.
Two survivors do not leave this battle. Either the aggression still falls out in some form on the child, or it hits me from the inside. Child's vulnerability finally breaks off all stoppers. Holding back becomes the hardest part. It's disgusting and scary. But it is so. Let's be honest.
Why
Let's take a closer look at ourselves and admit that there are times when the same offenses of a child do not cause an aggressive reaction. And not just a child. Any others too. What's the difference? True - in self-awareness. So I admit that when I feel satisfaction (fulfillment, fullness - call it what you want), then there is no aggression. And when tension, anger, pain, then aggression is right there. And it breaks out, of course, where it is easiest and they will not give back. Moreover, punishments of a different type do not particularly appeal to me. The inner demon craves a backhand beating.
This simple theory is clear to everyone. One setback - what is the real reason? How do I find her? Where is the dissatisfaction buried? All ideas about the source of internal tension, as a rule, are nothing more than rationalizations. Work in their direction does not bring improvement.
Now - the trick
Let me guess. As a child, you were extremely obedient. You love to teach and … to teach. And teach a lesson, oh, how you like. You do not tolerate resentment and crave revenge on the offender, even if he unintentionally “offended”. After all, he was wrong, unjust. You seem to have a retaliation order. And somewhere deep down, you are even glad of this opportunity! For there has accumulated and is about to break out, and disproportionate to the situation. You give, but do not want to take - let them feel guilty! You are painstaking and meticulous. Especially in compliance with their order of the principle of justice. And in the requirement for other people to comply with it. And if someone has violated - to teach a lesson. With pleasure (well, we're honest here?).
Moreover, order means not only the arrangement of objects in the house and clean floors, but in general the state of affairs in the world in accordance with your ideas - what is justice, how to communicate correctly, how to respect correctly, how to speak correctly, which songs to love, which to blame people … And not an ounce of flexibility in these matters.
Clue
I was lucky in my life to meet a teacher. And to get acquainted with System-Vector Psychology, which helped me figure it all out. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan identifies eight vectors - types of the human psyche. One of them combines all the listed qualities, plus a number of other not listed, which I do not cite, since you already know good things about yourself. Alas, in the same barrel are such phenomena as aggression and sadism. System-vector psychology calls this vector anal.
The point is that frustration in the anal vector, that is, chronic non-realization of its innate properties, leads to the emergence of aggression and other negative manifestations of this type of people. Relationships in the family do not work out - hello, aggression! There is no way to study calmly, you have to jump from work to work - hello, aggression. The child does not obey - hello, aggression. Unrealized sexual potential accumulates - hello aggression! And a number of other manifestations. Do you still recognize yourself?
What to do
Then everything is simple. Knowing about the innate properties of your vector, you can realize them and understand, non-implementation in which areas leads to frustrations. Conversely, what kind of realization can bring you a sense of contentment and happiness. In particular, in the anal vector there are values such as family, succession of generations, accumulation and transfer of knowledge, professionalism and others. Realizing oneself in these directions, you can defeat aggression and prevent its occurrence.
You can learn more about the innate properties of the anal vector at Yuri Burlan's free online lectures on systemic vector psychology.
Why is it needed
Why go to lectures, you ask. Each person already knows about his values and strives to realize them to the maximum.
Not certainly in that way.
For example, I didn't know. The fact is that modern city dwellers are usually multi-vector. In one person, different innate properties are combined. Often the opposite. I am also the owner of a skin vector, which is opposite in properties to the anal one. Moreover, my skin vector is in a developed and realized state and dictates such priorities as development, movement, speed, adaptability, striving for success, the ability to do business. And the anal was not implemented. I did not notice him. I was not aware of its presence. Even after listening to the lectures, it was not immediately possible to see him. It seemed too "not about me". But no. How about me.
Fortunately, at the time of the onset of my aggressive reactions, I was already familiar with system-vector psychology, although I did not recognize the presence of an anal vector at that time (by the way, there is such a tendency in some people with an anal vector - not to recognize it in themselves). Probably only such vivid manifestations were able to make me do it.
The first tsunamis of aggression, of course, completely brought me into a state of mental paralysis. It was too unexpected. Getting angry with something in the morning, I was shaking with emotions for the rest of the day, I couldn't think normally, and I could act productively too. I tried to distance myself from the child as much as possible. Then I couldn't sleep for half the night. And only after sleep did I get up again the next morning.
And the aggression was very strong, and its suppression too. Such internal opposition was killing. I had to admit to myself pretty quickly that yes, and this is about me. After that, I began to at least notice aggression, with time getting closer and closer to the moment of its occurrence, and not after a day of torment. Then I gradually learned to even predict sometimes. Then I tracked down what events approximately lead to internal tension and, as a result, to aggression. It was not difficult, since I relied on the knowledge of system-vector psychology, where the reasons are clearly indicated. It remained only to track their occurrence in your life and see for yourself. Then I found for myself ways of preventive therapy against aggression and methods of reducing it, if it has already arisen.
Over time, these manifestations become less and less. And when they arise, I see what exactly is happening, the bloody veil does not completely obscure the clarity of understanding. And all this happened in literally three months, not years!
I was also able to remember that, indeed, there were a number of periods in my life when aggression did not manifest itself. And they were associated with the implementation of the properties of the anal vector. For example, when I was in graduate school and supervised the scientific work of students. In fact, I accumulated and passed on knowledge.
Does this mean that now, having no relation to teaching, I will be forever frustrated? Fortunately, no. System-vector psychology reveals all facets of a vector, all options for its implementation, and you can choose some other area that is available at the moment. And such a sphere will certainly be found, because it is within the framework of your innate properties.
At the free online lectures of Yuri Burlan, you can already understand a lot about your nature. Especially about the nature of the anal vector, to which one of the free lectures is devoted. And this means - to understand the true reasons for their actions and reactions, to make life more harmonious and happy. To participate in these classes, register here.
