The crisis of three years: the formation of the child's self-awareness. Part 2
While the baby is still only two or three years old, you need to educate him, given his unique nature. But you can't indulge a child in everything, because it is necessary to teach him! Yes it is. Only this must be done without abusing his parental power, without humiliating his dignity.
Part I. The crisis of three years: the formation of the child's self-awareness
Understanding the set of inborn mental properties (vectors) of the baby, the adult helps him to get through the crisis of three years correctly - with positive “gains” in the development of the psyche.
Flexibility and ingenuity
What kind of child can become?
The skin vector, according to its natural properties, gives the child excellent opportunities to develop the ability to limit his own desires, to submit himself to discipline and norms of behavior (laws), as well as to develop logical thinking, the ability to invent. Natural flexibility of the body and psyche creates opportunities for high adaptability to external conditions and motor efficiency, grace.
If, during a three-year-old crisis, a child with such natural properties is suppressed, punished for disobedience (especially with the use of physical influences - beating his delicate, sensitive skin), then negative manifestations are exacerbated. Moreover, this paves the way for the development of the worst manifestations of the vector: theft, opportunism, manipulation, lying, inability to organize oneself and obey general requirements (laws), attitude towards people from the standpoint of their own benefit, etc.
What to do? And how - right?
Correct passage of the three-year crisis presupposes the following. It is with the skin child that logical arguments are effective, explanations why it is important that he did this and not otherwise. When applied to it, the system of rewards for doing the right thing and obedience “works” well, but it should be not only material rewards (a delicacy, an expensive but useless toy for a skin child, or even money 1), but to a greater extent! - developing his natural properties and abilities: a gentle touch, as a gift - toys that develop thinking and the need for movement (Lego constructor, ball, scooter, etc.). In two or three years it is still too early, but later it can be travel games and searches for the hidden toy on the "map".
It is the dermal child that it is important to encourage in his physical exercises and outdoor games, as well as in construction, since they directly develop his natural properties and give the child pleasure. It is the skin child that should be taught to order.
However, at the age of three it is still difficult for him not to scatter things, clean up toys, therefore, firstly, he does not need to be scolded for the mess, and secondly, try to motivate him, for example, turn cleaning into an interesting game, use a competitive moment (for example, cars deliver passengers to their homes and leave for the garage themselves, or "who will quickly remove the toys"). But, if a child has built a building and wants to leave it in order to continue construction the next day, there is no need to insist on cleaning this structure.
Golden head, golden hands
What kind of child can become?
The anal vector in terms of naturally assigned properties allows the child to develop such wonderful qualities as accuracy, the desire for order, as well as the ability to learn, thanks to an excellent memory, a tendency to analytical thinking. His features are some slowness of action, difficulty in making decisions, as well as the need for approval and praise, which is why he tries to be obedient. He is also characterized by a tendency to be offended because of not received well-deserved praise and love (especially from his mother).
However, if such a child is "pulled" and urged, he, on the contrary, is inhibited and falls into a stupor. Outwardly, this may look like stubbornness, for which the child receives a "bonus" from impatient parents in the form of reproaches and unflattering epithets (like "brake", or even worse). Because of this, the child not only cannot overcome his inhibition, but also does not want to do this, and having perceived this state as his own desire, he can no longer change it, aggravating his stubbornness (for example, the child not only does not dress himself, but also resists, when the parent wants to dress him).
All this causes increased discontent among parents. A "vicious circle" is created, from which it is difficult to get out, but for an anal child - taking into account his properties, small age and crisis period of development - it is simply impossible. In the future, stubbornness can become a stable character trait, and he himself is a quarrelsome person, difficult to communicate. Resentment at the “unloving” parents, especially the mother, for being “underdone, disliked,” seeks a way out in aggression and vindictiveness to everyone and everything, because he himself feels bad.
It happens that an anal child of two or three years old gives in to the "pressure" of the parents under the influence of their praise for obedience and allows himself to be clothed, passively submitting to the actions of adults. For example, it is easier for a skin-visual mother who is late for work to dress her child as quickly as possible than to wait for him to do it on his own - infinitely slowly; or for an anal-visual guardian mom who suffers from the fact that her baby is not doing something “right and beautiful” enough, it is emotionally easier to do everything instead of him.
Praising her son for obedience, the mother, not knowing what she is doing, achieves that the child gradually refuses to try to do anything on his own, expecting that others will do everything for him: the parents will dress, spoon-feed, wash, etc. e. This situation, outwardly safe, non-conflict, is in fact a time bomb: the child does not learn independence.
For parents, this behavior is not perceived as particularly problematic, since the child is pliable and obedient. However, the consequences are not comforting - in the future he will constantly need care, and will never learn to make decisions and make choices. His subsequent fate is sad. In the "best" case, even in his mature years, and never matured, he will live with his mother, sit on the couch and take offense at the uncomplicated life, not being able to "fold" it on his own.
How to get through the crisis correctly?
So how do you help a child with an anal vector get through a three year old crisis? Encourage his attempts at independence, no matter how slowly he acts. Have patience, restraining yourself from trying to do something for him when he wants "ITSELF". Be sure to praise the result, no matter how imperfect it may be.
At the same time, praise should be deserved - for the fact of achievement; it is not necessary to say that he “did well” something, if it did not work out perfectly, it is better to say: “You did (did)! Himself (herself)! What a big boy (big girl)! This is a very effective praise - after all, children are so eager to become big, adults.
If the child does not succeed or does not work well enough, for example, buttoning buttons, tying laces (or something else), offer: "Come on, I'll button / tie, and you help me" - and promise to teach him this; and be sure to (not forgetting about the promise) take some time - an anal child, like no other, loves to learn.
And over time, thanks to the natural desire for a quality result, he will learn. And it will be better, more neatly to dress than others, and also to help younger children - first for praise, then out of spiritual urge, in accordance with a natural inclination to take care of others.
However, if signs of stubbornness do appear, there is no need to rigidly "push through" your demand so that the child obey, on the contrary, you need to relieve the pressure, clothe the process of performing the desired action in a game, switch his attention to another action. That is, he needs to be helped to get out of the “vicious circle” of stubbornness and resentment at the expanses of pleasure from the development of independence and a sense of the success of his own achievements.
The leader of the Redskins
While there are quite a few children with anal and / or cutaneous vectors, there are extremely few children with urethral vectors (up to 5%). A urethral child is a “rare specimen” that requires a special approach from parents in his upbringing.
What is he - urethral?
The urethral vector gives the child a huge energy (despite, at times, a very puny physical body), natural altruism - a fair, merciful return for shortages to those whom he perceives as his "flock", giving them a sense of security and safety. Due to this, he literally from an early age possesses a powerful attraction, and a mob, a "flock" of children of different ages, naturally gathers around him.
The actions of the urethral child by themselves or in combination with calls to action turn out to be so inspiring for the whole "pack" that it follows him without reasoning, and this makes him a natural leader, the leader of his environment.
During a three-year crisis, when a child develops self-consciousness, and he begins to separate himself from the world, which now becomes external for him, when he begins to understand his desires, you should not try to suppress him, rigidly incline him to submission. This causes violent anger, protest and defense by all available (far from cultural) means of their natural right and the highest rank - the leader.
The consequences of the actions of parents who try to suppress or restrict their urethral child, to make him obey are sad and even scary. For such a child, his despotic parents become the first representatives of a hostile external world, with which he begins a life-and-death struggle - sometimes literally. Growing up, he adapts with difficulty in society, unable to fulfill his specific role - the leader - for the benefit of society.
The urethral's protest against a hostile world turns him into a reckless risker of his life - with less or more danger to the people around him. Naturally, such people die early. And this is at the "best" case. The worst option is the urethral suppressed in childhood, who has lived to adulthood, joins the ranks of the criminal world: he becomes a lone criminal or the leader of a criminal group.
Difficulties in educating a little "leader"
Long before the crisis of three years, the urethral child seeks to explore the nearest territories, trying to get out of the arena, and when he gets out, he actively expands the space available to himself, rapidly crawling on all fours around the room, climbing where he can reach.
When he becomes able to move while standing on his feet, even at a very young age, he tries to "break away" from his mother, does not like to be held and led by the hand, imposing a slow pace of movement unusual for him. He pulls out his hand, moves far and rather quickly away from the adult, mastering the surrounding space, and the mother (or grandmother) who walks with him has to constantly catch up with him in order to protect him from danger.
Modern young mothers often, when they go out with their baby for a walk in the yard, begin to talk with other mothers, exchange experiences, news; or, having put a child with toys in a sandbox, they stick to a mobile phone (tablet) - and temporarily let their child out of sight.
At this very time, the urethral child is sent to explore the unknown outside the playground. What a mother is going through, not finding her child where she left him, probably, there is no need to explain - and her first reaction is understandable when the child, fortunately, is …
However, it is pointless to scold the urethral person, to forbid him to leave: even a very small child does not perceive parental orders as a guide to action. Every child needs "eye and eye", and especially for the urethral! Going out for a walk, do not think that now there will be a respite for you from household chores; on the contrary, you will have to follow your urethral child, like a faithful but unobtrusive guard. Walk at a distance sufficient to, if necessary, keep him from a situation fraught with danger, to take a hand to draw attention to something interesting, in order to change the direction of his movement - and again provide freedom within the foreseeable safe space. Direct deterrence from danger will be a more obvious limitation for him,than motivation to change the trajectory of movement under some fascinating pretext. A small urethral will feel that, yes, he can do everything, that no one limits him.
So how should it be?
While the baby is still only two or three years old, you need to educate him, given his unique nature. But you can't indulge a child in everything, because it is necessary to teach him! Yes it is. Only this must be done without abusing his parental power, without humiliating his dignity. This rule also applies to children with other vectors, but especially in the case of the urethral.
Teaching an urethral child of two or three years old the simplest skills, independent actions, it is necessary to give him the greatest opportunity to do everything himself. And upon achieving the result - sincerely admire: "How great you did it!" Or: “Well, you give! What would I do without you?!" The urethral child naturally accepts admiration (even if exaggerated). But he does not accept praise and assessments that are expressed "from top to bottom", for example: "Well done! What a big boy! " - refers to praises as an insult, demotion.
You cannot make the urethral baby obey, but you can create the conditions for him to listen to you. This happens if a trusting relationship, positive emotional ties are established between you. And while he is only three years old, it is high time to start creating such conditions. Best of all, urethralists listen to skin-visual women. If the family has a mother, aunt, grandmother with this bunch of vectors or a skin-visual teacher in a kindergarten, this will be an ideal option for the harmonious development of his innate qualities.
In fact, the urethral child is the most problem-free if you do not try to "break" and subdue him. He, unlike children with other vectors, is the most responsible not only for himself, but also for others; he, even at three years old, is "an adult by nature", he can be entrusted with any (feasible by age) task, saying: "Who, if not you?" And he will. But do not try to get neatness from the urethral - this is not its property.
Part III. The crisis of three years: the formation of the child's self-awareness
1 Some parents, noticing how money effectively motivates a skin child, do not realize that they are laying a "time bomb", forming consumer and mercantile character traits in the child.
