Unhappy love. Resentment is a small life
Resentment - small, big, huge - settled in my heart. Resentment towards men. Those who do not appreciate, do not love, do not understand. I started to exhale just now, after training in Systemic Vector Psychology. The bitterness of resentment goes away. For the first time in many years I feel ready to love …
Back in school, I fell in love with a boy. Let's call him Zhenya. Zhenya was the most prominent young man - in class and in parallel. Big eyes, deep gaze, proud spreading eyebrows, aquiline nose, thick black hair. Zhenya was fit, athletic, smart. Many girls looked at him and dreamed of kissing him someday. I was among them.
To my surprise, despite the fact that I did not consider myself beautiful, we became close. It was interesting for us together, there was something to talk about, we played together in school plays and went to recess. Zhenya was the only one who came to my birthdays, paid attention and sometimes made me happy.
We grew up and matured together. When puberty struck, Zhenya had a girlfriend. First one, then another, then a third. Since then, our relationship has turned into a kind of torture. My. He shared with me his feelings about another beloved, and I supported him (so it seemed to me), and then with a heavy feeling of depression and glazed eyes walked from the school yard to the house.
So my grudge against men was born.
The vicissitudes of fate
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan allows you to look behind the scenes of life and understand what led to the onset of certain events.
Before Zhenya, I had good boys and first reciprocal feelings in my life. They paid attention to me, perhaps even more than their peers. What went wrong?
As the SVP explains, each person goes through a stage of active development of their properties. This happens until puberty inclusive. A prerequisite for development is the sense of security and safety that our parents provide. There is no sense of security and safety - the psychosexual development of the little person stops, he begins to survive as he can. Himself.
At the age of 10, I found a drunken naked father with obscenities attacking his mother. Then I took her by the scruff of the neck and took her out of the house. Itself.
From that moment on, my life turned upside down.
During the three months of summer vacation, I turned from a sociable, mobile and lively girl into a frightened, withdrawn, depressed and distrustful animal.
At the age of 10, my period began.
At 11 - I started to get fat.
At 12 - I got acne.
At 14 I put on my glasses.
Unworthy for love
By the time everyone began to actively scamper, I came up full, sprinkled with pimples, unable to make up or dress as a girl. Dad told me in plain text that I needed to lose weight, pointing to my place below my back. Over the years, I have become the subject of ridicule and bullying from my classmates.
Why love me? I did not know. I felt like an ugly duckling and dreamed of someday becoming a beautiful swan. I hatched plans for revenge on my classmates, who for so long and so unfairly bullied me. My life reminded me of hell.
Law of nature
System-vector psychology examines in detail the mechanism of breeding - the formation of human pairs. This mechanism is deeply natural and does not need to be improved.
The meaning of a man's life is in giving to a woman. Orgasm is the most vivid and deep experience, a short and infinitely vivid moment of filling with absolute happiness, full justification of your life. A woman - like a gateway to heaven - is infinitely desired by a man. Again and again. The meaning of a man's life is in a woman.
How does a boy become a husband? He takes responsibility for his life from his parents. He becomes part of the collective system of security and safety: he defends the flock from internal and external enemies, obtains food and other benefits. The volume of the extracted determines the social rank of a man and his right to its meaning - a woman.
Women do not hunt themselves - that was until recently. They receive their security and safety, alimony from men. Therefore, marriage for women is a matter of obtaining protection and safety.
The husband's wife experiences a special kind of deep satisfaction when he owns her - she feels her safety. Woman is the first form of ownership. The man takes care of her, protects her, alimates her. And she gives birth to his children.
How does steam form?
The woman lets go of her natural scent. One. Him. And it reveals itself sensually - shares emotional experiences, expanding the range of frankness in voicing the experiences between the two. The man responds with attraction. And by following her, it also creates an emotional connection.
A woman is limited in sexual behavior - she cannot seduce several at once, so that they do not kill each other. She does not need to dress provocatively, to be defiantly unbridled. On the contrary, the most attractive thing, which may be, is her natural modesty, a slight blush on her cheeks and a timid look at a man.
A woman's request is to receive a sense of security and safety from a man. The first step in a relationship is always taken by a woman, but not consciously, but sensually. This does not happen deliberately, not planned, but naturally - she sensually reveals herself to him.
Contrary to all modern "women's trainings", System-Vector Psychology proves that a woman cannot be manipulated in any form when creating a relationship.
Manipulation destroys the most important component in a pair - the sensual one. A woman becomes too rational, builds relationships not out of love, but according to the principle “I will not give,” a rational exchange. And thus does not fulfill its role, does not give a man deep, sincere feelings. This relationship will either not start or end quickly.
Need to do something
The most beautiful boy in parallel, what did he do in my life? In the life of a fat, ugly, insecure girl? I didn't feel like I could attract and hold him with anything. In the wake of the programs and films that appeared on TV about what to do to attract a man, I also began … to do.
Rational manipulation began with academic help. I did it well. I taught lessons for him and helped on tests. And gradually it seemed like he needed me in this regard. Experiencing mixed feelings of humiliation and resentment, I thus bought his attention, his time, his views.
It seemed to me the only way out.
The components of my psyche - vectors (in the terminology of system-vector psychology) - received their specific trauma due to a dysfunctional childhood.
The horror of the experience formed a psychosexual delay in the visual vector. I managed to gain sensory volume, but I was very limited in the ability to bring these feelings out, in the creation of healthy emotional connections. The world scared me, my peers scared me, gradually I turned into a victim of bullying. I lived in tremendous inner tension, fear.
Pope's bullying and a number of other moments led to the emergence of masochistic tendencies in the skin vector. The most delicate skin, aspiring to the high status of the psyche - this is all about the owners of the skin vector. If a skin child is beaten or humiliated, he develops masochistic tendencies or full-fledged masochism. He retrains and begins to enjoy the pain. Instead of gentle caresses - rough blows. Instead of raising the status - humiliation. I have sought and received pain in relationships.
Resentment against the world in the anal vector completed the picture.
The bitterness of unrequited love
His stories of his crush killed me. His indifference and the gradual destruction of our intimacy - as a result of my own manipulations - caused bitterness. “I’m so good, why don’t they love me? Not fair!"
Resentment - small, big, huge - settled in my heart. Resentment towards men. Those who do not appreciate, do not love, do not understand. Who chase short skirts and do not see gold under their noses. Who cheat, cheat, betray. Which can never, under any circumstances, be trusted.
Lump in throat. Severe spasm, compression in the heart. A huge heaviness in the female organs and depression during menstruation … a bitter and heavy offense. Pain you can't live with.
I've spent so many years. And each new relationship only tied the noose of injustice around my neck tighter.
Over and over again, not realizing the reasons for my actions, I repeated the same story. The same. The same. Round.
Past bad experiences
Unworthy for love. Many years.
Offended by men. Many years.
I started to exhale just now, after training in Systemic Vector Psychology. Awareness of the reasons for the failed relationship with all men - magical, intelligent, interesting, the best in their social parallel, which have passed through my life over the years, pour out in tears. The bitterness of resentment goes away. Slowly and carefully, I begin to open up and discover in myself an extraordinary tenderness, gentleness, kindness. For the first time in many years, I feel ready to love.
PS The article was written thanks to the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan and with the best intentions to the reader. If your story is somewhat reminiscent of mine, and even if it is completely different, come to heal your soul at a lecture.
