Alice in the Darkness of Delusions: Becoming a Boy - Salvation or Tragedy?
What will happen if Alice turns into David? Will she be happy? Will her life find true meaning? Or will the short-term euphoria be replaced by a hopeless nightmare, and the body that has not become native will be thrown out the window next time?
- Guys, there is a conversation! Let's go out! - Alice said quietly, dragging two classmates with her to the schoolyard. She was almost two heads taller than them and looked more like a graduate than a sixth grader.
A couple of months ago, Alice surprised the class by showing up on Monday with a shaved head instead of a luxurious head of hair. The mercilessly cut braids were replaced by a boy-like haircut. And to match the hairstyle, things of the older brother came into use.
- What happened? What's the secret? Was it necessary to trudge into the yard in this rain? You couldn't talk at school? - the boys grumbled, following Alice.
- Well, they were different, you think it was rain, I didn't even notice. I want to tell you something …
- Come on already, lay it out, call soon!
It seemed that Alice did not hear the last phrase. Her gaze froze, defocused in space. No, she did not forget what she wanted to say, and did not choose the words, she seemed to be transported for a moment into a parallel reality.
- Well? impatient Alex pulled her out of her reverie.
- Baranki wildebeest!.. I'm a trance!
- What? Are you in a trance? Did you get stoned or something? - Having lost interest in the conversation and going to leave, said Mark.
- Fool! I don't feel like a girl. I'm uncomfortable in my body. It happens. You need to read books!
- Uh-uh … - Alex pulled in bewilderment, - and what?
- And then! I'm a boy. Just in a woman's body. Nature's mistake, you know?
“Not really yet,” Mark put in, smiling inappropriately.
- By the way, the call was already there, it's time to go to class.
The guys were clearly embarrassed by this turn, so they walked briskly towards the school.
- Call me David! - Alice said before the door and was the first to enter the classroom. The boys looked at each other, Alex twisted at his temple, Mark shrugged, and both followed her.
After the lesson, the guys called Alice aside. They were tormented by questions. At least out of the corner of an ear, everyone has already heard about transsexuals or transgender people. But so, live, in its own class! And even a girl! More talk about gay boys. Yes, and you can see those a mile away - tender, fragile, eyes in a wet place.
- And where did you get the idea that you … is … trance? - Confused, asked Mark.
- Being a girl sucks! Look at the others - some nonsense in your head: to boast of new clothes, to smear your eyes, to gossip. This is nonsense! Not mine! What's the point of this? Besides what kind of life it is! Learn not learn - then get married, children, snot. I'm also a prospect. And to give birth to children is horror! An ugly body with a huge belly, terrible pains, sleepless nights. I saw how my mother suffered. Yes, and the youngest have already been hired. Enough! Noisy, boring, you can't hide from them.
- Well, don't get married! Build a career. People live without children.
- Yes, not only in this case. I feel that something is wrong with me. I feel sick to wake up in the morning. All kind of meaningless. Nothing pleases. I'm tired of school. Mom doesn't let her beloved music listen, shouts: "What nonsense are you turning on!" I was here to learn Thai and Korean in order to understand what they are singing about, and to prove to my mother that the songs have meaning. But then I realized that my mother would not like these meanings. Did anyone wonder what I like?
- And what do you like? - Mark asked with interest.
“I don’t know…” the girl answered quietly after a short pause. - But I know for sure that I do not like what is! I feel bad … Nothing pleases, does not distract. I'm rage. And life, and people, and your own body. But if I cannot influence others, then my own body - I do what I want!
- What is the next?
- I will do the operation … Change the floor.
- You're crazy! - the boys breathed out in chorus.
- Not. I decided everything. And I already told my mother.
- And what is she?
- At first she laughed. Then she swore. Then she cried. But now she's all so attentive. He takes me to doctors, psychologists, social educators there. But he is afraid to object. Experts told her that it happens that a person is born in the wrong body. So she will have to accept my choice.
“Well, I don’t know…” Alex drawled doubtfully. - All this is strange, Alice …
- Call me David, I asked! - the girl boiled.
- Okay, okay, I get it, don't get hot!
- Are you friends or what! I told you first. Tomorrow I want to tell our classroom. Will you come with me?
The next day there was a conversation with the teacher. The boys stood there embarrassedly and nodded their heads. The class teacher's expressive eyes seemed to double in size, and she began to stutter slightly as she spoke to Alice. She asked standard questions: did she weigh everything well, did the parents know, whether they had been to the doctor. She promised to think about it, talk to my mother.
When she, a few days later, announced to the whole class that Alice should be called David, everyone sat quietly, as if embarrassed. And only Alice proudly held her head, like a warrior who set foot on the warpath and decided to go to the end. In her gaze there was some kind of desperate fanaticism and at the same time helplessness and pain.
From that day on, the school talked only about Alice. Some whispered at breaks, others pointed with a finger, and others giggled after her. This was discussed in the teachers 'room, teachers' councils were called. Psychologists and social educators vied with each other to invite Alice to their place, ask questions, conduct tests, meet with parents and talk to confused teachers. The teachers were nervous, tried to pretend that nothing was happening, and were very tense, calling the girl by a man's name.
After some time, this was announced at the parents' meeting. A year ago, Alisa's bright and stately mother headed the parent committee of the class, helped arrange excursions and holidays, and resolve conflicts. Now she was sitting stooped at the last desk, while the other parents hid surprised looks, trying not to meet their eyes with the woman who had turned gray over the past month.
In order not to introduce confusion and disrupt the work process, the class teacher invited everyone to ask their mother questions exclusively in personal communication. But no one was going to. And what to ask about? How did it happen? Maybe it's age-related? What are you going to do? It was clear to everyone that there were no answers. There is only confusion, fear and pain.
Nature error or imperfection of perception?
What happened to Alice?
Is it possible that, exhausted by the end of the working week, the Lord God hastily placed the male soul into the female body? Or is it a serious hormonal disruption that requires radical intervention? Or maybe this is a delusion, an incorrect interpretation of the sensations that arise, a lack of understanding of the true causes of mental discomfort?
One can argue about the imperfection of nature for a long time. Medical examination and consultation of competent specialists is the first and mandatory step in order not to overlook organic changes and serious health problems. But if the child's development before puberty did not cause anxiety, and all medical indicators are normal, how to figure out what is happening? And most importantly, what to do in order not to harm?
Alice is the owner of the cutaneous, visual and sound vectors. The conditions in which she grew up influenced the development of the girl's personal qualities. This led to the problem. Let's figure it out systematically.
Alice was born in one of the central cities of Europe, was the youngest of three children. When she was two years old, her parents broke up and each of them started a family again. In a new marriage, my mother had twins. The grown-up Alice often had to babysit the kids. The older brother and sister were just finishing school, and my mother could not count on their help.
Stepfather worked hard to support a large family. He spent little time at home. All the worries about the household and raising children fell on my mother's shoulders. Alice's own father, although he kept in touch with the girl, did not provide financial assistance, since he constantly lost his job and did not have a stable income. And his young wife was completely unemployed.
From early childhood, Alice watched an eternally tired mother, torn between children and the household. Her severe double pregnancy, incredible belly, the acute threat to life, which adults whispered about, frightened the impressionable girl very much.
The need for the visual vector is emotions, sensory connections, attention and love. The separation from the father and the lack of attention of the mother hampered the development of the child. There was no strength for good fairy tales before going to bed. There was no time for heart-to-heart conversations. Instead of vivid feelings, positive emotions and love, Alice plunged more and more into fear and loneliness. Became afraid of the dark and night monsters, hated the black color.
As she grew up, sports became an outlet. The active, movement-demanding skin vector enjoyed the training. Athletics, basketball. The natural desires of a leather worker are primacy, success, the ability to set goals and achieve them (at any cost). And Alice did it. But there was always a feeling that something was missing. There was no joy. There was emptiness, a lack of understanding of oneself, life and one's place in it. A painful search for an inner support, core, meaning, characteristic of any sound engineer.
To drown out the suffering of her soul, she strained her body more and more, trained on a par with the boys. It was too painful to be a weak, vulnerable, lonely girl. And the image of a tough guy created the illusion of strength and independence.
Alice was already used to the fact that no one was interested in her emotions, so she felt more comfortable with the guys than with the sentimental girls. With age, the distance with her friends only increased. They considered it too long, unfashionable and generally strange.
Yes, she was always weird. Exactly as much as all other people consider the owner of the sound vector to be strange. The soundman is not attached to the material. Even his own body may seem alien and illusory to him. The natural "program" of such a person is to get to the bottom of things. Understand why we come to this world. When he does not find the answer to these questions, he is not pleased with gifts and entertainment, is not interested in fashion and trends, and annoyed by the need to do "stupid" things.
Alice was so incomprehensible to her parents and peers. She liked strange music and strange songs. She was fascinated by the unfamiliar sounds of exotic languages. She was intently listening to the incomprehensible texts, trying to understand their meaning, to hear in them the cherished, hitherto undisclosed secret.
The feeling that something very important was slipping away from her worried her, aroused questions. Why do you need such a stupid life? What's the point? Why was I born at all? There is clearly something wrong with me! She concentrated all her efforts on finding this "wrong." At the peak of puberty, when hormones mold new body shapes according to gender, a "logical" answer came. “This is not my body! That's why I'm not like everyone else! I don't look like a girl because I have never been. Yes, I don't look like a boy either, but only because I haven't become one yet!"
The circle is complete. Everything seemed logical and harmonious. Not understanding the essence of the problem, Alice and her entourage fell into a trap of delusion. Perceiving her body as something abstract and inappropriate, Alice mistakenly decided that it was his feminine nature. Sounding fanatically seizing this idea, she thought that the change of gender would save her from the excruciating discomfort of the soul.
And the skin vector, prone to changes, easily followed the dominant sound. Choosing a course for a "new life", Alice acquired a big and serious goal, got an illusory sense of meaning. And the attention that fell on her temporarily filled a gaping emotional hole in the visual vector.
A girl's desire to change sex is an infrequent phenomenon, not really studied by science, and without knowledge of the nature of the human psyche, it is completely inexplicable. But there is a well-established industry, hurrying to help the sufferers locked in a "foreign body".
We live in the era of humanism, when the whole world revolves around a person, his comfort - physical and mental. All service industries strive to fulfill the varied, numerous and ever-increasing desires of people. Few people think about how natural these desires are, inherent in humans by nature, and not imposed by society, advertising, fashion or a dangerous delusion.
What will happen if Alice turns into David? Will she be happy? Will her life find true meaning? Or will the short-term euphoria be replaced by a hopeless nightmare, and the body that has not become native will be thrown out the window next time?
The sound vector is the desire to know yourself, your essence, your nature. This desire drives Alice too. The tragic delusion is that she is looking in the wrong place. The body is only a form, the essence is in the soul, the structure of our psychic. Changing the body will not resolve the issues of the soul.
To get out of the dark dead end of delusions, it is enough to put the arrows of the sound search on the right track. And then the train of girl's fate will rush to light, understanding, happiness.
This is evidenced by those who have already passed this path at the training "System-vector psychology".
