Life Towards Each Other, or Bilateral Relations
Sex is no longer fun. Your eyes do not burn as before, cold, limp hands do not hug, but simply hold on to me, and I no longer feel, as before, a rhythmic, joyful, slightly aggressive movement towards me …
He: I coped with my problems myself. Therefore, I wanted, hoped that you would cope with your problems yourself. I considered your problems to be housework, childcare, because I was completely immersed in work. I closed my eyes when you needed support, when you needed to cry, when you needed to comfort you and listen. I pretended not to notice your unspoken requests. You swore, accused me, and I was convinced that I was right and only wondered - where did that cheerful, cheerful girl with whom we shared our dreams five years ago?
Sex is no longer fun. Your eyes do not burn as before, cold, limp hands do not hug, but simply hold on to me, and I no longer feel, as before, a rhythmic, joyful, slightly aggressive movement towards me …
She: I remind myself of an autumn fly. With the last of her strength she struggles listlessly between the window frames, sleepy and helpless in the face of the oncoming cold. Child, work, endless household chores. The same thoughts are buzzing in my head: what to cook for lunch, for dinner; do my laundry today or tomorrow; what clothes to prepare for the child, yourself and you the next day; whether there is enough money to buy or take a loan; just not to be late for work; Will I have time to pick up the child from the kindergarten or do I need to call the teacher.
You used to help me a little, but I myself refused to ask you for help. Because you agreed, but as if you wanted me not to ask for it anymore. I could not bear the rumbling sound of washing dishes, crumpled hanging laundry, unnoticed when cleaning up the garbage. And if you did everything perfectly, in any case, after my request, he became gloomy, irritated, cold. He sat down at the computer and answered any touch: "Don't distract, I'm busy." You began to forget about my parents' birthdays and even after the reminder, referring to the working circumstances, you did not appear, congratulating them on the phone.
For about a year now I don't want you, your touch irritates me, sex has become a duty for me. After that, I feel devastated. Yes, lately you have been trying to be caring: you released a whole week, and the two of us had a rest at the sea. Now they began to sometimes dine in a restaurant … And yet I feel that we are like strangers to each other …
One way
In this life, you can do a lot on your own. Fry eggs just for yourself, chop wood, listen to music, watch the sunset, pet a kitten. We can cry alone. Laugh while watching a comedy. You don't need another person for this. But then our life becomes like a narrow one-way street. But living is so uninteresting. We need other people. Need a two-way life. With bilateral relations.
Our body is designed by nature in such a way that all sensors are directed outward. Vision, hearing, smell, taste, tactile sensations provide us with information from the outside, so our area of interest lies outside. And outside there are other people. With their values, needs, desires. Some need affectionate, gentle touch, while others cannot stand touching. Some of them study all their lives, while others, having heard the word "study", pretend to be dead. It is vital for some to talk, to tell something, to others - to be silent and retire.
Imagine a bell withering in a spring meadow. Perhaps this is how a person with a need to talk will feel if there is no one to tell. Yes, you can mutter to yourself, but an important component is lost - reaction, connection, lively response. You can massage yourself, but the need for affection is associated with another person. The kid comes up to his mother and puts her hand on his head - he still does not know how to speak, but he feels his need and asks as best he can.
Dangerous area
We ourselves cannot look into our stomach or, for example, into the appendix. Here doctors come to the rescue with their X-rays and endoscopes. However, no apparatus will help us to see where desires and needs are in our bodies. And if we still somehow feel and define our needs, then we most often only guess about the desires of another.
Yes, it's good when you know what you want, you yourself and directly tell your loved one about it. But it happens differently. His wife is hysterical, making some claims: she did not kiss or said the wrong thing, or did not do something, or did the wrong thing - and behind these reproaches there is a deeper need that she did not realize. Or the husband grumbles: undersalted - oversalted, a mess in the house, you can't save money - but he really wants something completely different …
Stop
To understand the other - what does it mean? It is to know and feel what a person wants, what are HIS wants and needs, and not those that seem to me, I suppose. After all, we often attribute our desires to another and insist that we understand him. But he wants something completely different, does not share our understanding, does not feel it, so there is no connection or it is one-sided.
Circular motion
Close people become strangers when they do not realize what they lack, what they strive for, when one demands something from the other, but he does not give. And it is so attractive in all ways - with tears, threats, fists - to put pressure on him, make him obey. These attempts to "bend the world" for themselves can last for years.
He and she, husband and wife, a large family are closed, holistic systems where success and a feeling of happiness depend on close interpersonal relationships. And then happiness is "when they understand me", when they recognize and accept a partner as another, dissimilar, but very important person. With their own needs and desires, while sharing the values of the other. When there is a desire to satisfy, as far as possible, the expectations of another.
This voluntary return, mutual altruism in paired relationships creates a special strong emotional connection. People mutually enrich themselves, accepting the world of another person, and, despite all the difficulties of life - quarrels, possible failures, illnesses, they maintain a deep interpersonal connection.
Two-way traffic
In such a relationship, everyone tries to take the side of the partner and look at the situation from his point of view. Find out why the other is so desperately signaling discontent, irritation, resentment. At the same time, everyone understands that he cannot and should not force the other to fulfill his desires. Because what is of great importance to one may not be as important to another. And if we are adults, then everyone should demand from himself, not from a partner. Only I decide how much and what I can do on my own, at will.
Objections are possible here: "Why should I do what I don't want?" Of course they shouldn't. The value lies in the fact that this is not a duty, not a routine matter, but a free choice. A voluntary, deliberate, joyful choice that brings pleasure and gratitude.
He: You told me about your fears, about romantic fantasies, about the importance and priority of family values for you. About being exhausted by work, a child, our quarrels. That you have no one to share your feelings, experiences with. I suddenly felt how fragile you are, how difficult it is for you to withstand the pressure of an accelerating life. How much of your energy is spent on routine, monotonous work. I realized how different our fantasies were - they did not feed our bodies, they tore them apart with their dissatisfaction. But these unfulfilled fantasies, these desires, brought us together again.
How warm your voice sounds when I ask you if I should go to the store on the way home, or when you thank for the little gifts that I am learning to give you. How rejoicing looking at my, albeit not frequent, pampering with a child. I am grateful for the sincere thrill and admiration that you experience, for the strength and inspiration that I receive after our closeness.
She: As if my heart breaks and falls down when I think I was two steps away from divorce. Not immediately, but still I managed to sort out my claims and grievances, stopped blaming you, and, for sure, it became easier to live. Somewhere there was a feeling of pleasure and joy, especially when you tenderly press against my hand, holding out a cup of your favorite tea, or when you look at me with gratitude, if I speak in a quiet, calm voice. Romance has returned, and one has only to imagine your warm breath on my neck, as awe overwhelms my body. The desire to share feelings and give you pleasure has returned. I began to notice that you are trying to save me from stress as much as possible, you are more understanding about requests for help, and I began to express my desires more openly. I stopped building comfortablea one-sided world just for yourself. Now I feel that we are going towards each other.
Safety island
The closest and dearest people are for us the first emergency aid. In everyday life, they watch our efforts, scold everyone with us and console us. We share with them both sorrows and joys.
Those who do not have such people nearby have to seek this help. Search to understand yourself, your desires, and then close, sensitive and understanding people appear nearby.
Look for help at the online training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan.
