How not to get lost on a child
I sit and roar. They all got me, but I fell for my son. He, of course, is not a present either. His mother is nervous, and he is growing just the same. He knows how to withdraw, like no other. How to learn not to get lost on a child? Why can't I count to ten, change the subject, go to another room, or beat a pillow or something like that, as psychologists advise?
Mood swings, hormones, constant hassle, my husband and I had a fight at home, my mother’s lectures on the phone became completely unbearable, and, as usual, my son completely angered me with his antics. It was as if he did everything on purpose. As a result, I got it for everyone. She screamed and sent her to her room.
I sit and roar. They all got me, but I fell for my son. He, of course, is not a present either. His mother is nervous, and he is growing just the same. He knows how to withdraw, like no other. How to learn not to get lost on a child? Why can't I count to ten, change the subject, go to another room, or beat a pillow or something like that, as psychologists advise?
I reproach myself later, I feel sorry for my son, but in the moment of anger, I simply do not control myself. I can't help it. How to be?
Let's analyze the situation using the knowledge of the training "System-vector psychology".
He annoys me! Or not him?.
We all react negatively to what we don't understand. A fast and dexterous mom with a skin vector, who is in a hurry to work, is annoyed by a sluggish child with an anal vector, meticulously buttoning all the buttons on her sweater or even more carefully tying the laces on her boots. Subjectively, it seems to her that she is late precisely because of his slowness - and the leatherworkers save time, they cannot afford to be late.
A serious and thorough mom with an anal vector can easily be pissed off by a nimble skinny baby who swallows his lunch in a minute, sprinkling soup in all directions, just to run into the yard as soon as possible. And she will have to clean!
While we have tension inside, until we understand why he does all this, it seems to us that he does it on purpose, as if in spite of trying to anger his mother again and again.
But if you look a little wider, it turns out that absolutely everything infuriates: a gossip neighbor, a saleswoman in a store, a rude driver, grandmothers at the entrance … And when the internal state worsens and negativity accumulates, it splashes out on the one who is nearby, who cannot answer, - per child.
Simple production
What does it mean? That the reason is not in the child, not in the coincidence of circumstances, and not even in the people around him. The reason is that you have accumulated untapped potential that desperately needs to be realized. Something interferes, does not allow the realization of inner desires.
Childbirth, decree, child's illness, job loss - during these periods, a woman loses the opportunity to realize herself in her profession. Then her perfectionism and attention to detail become unclaimed, her flexibility and ability to adapt are not used, her ability to distinguish the subtlest shades of any color or her ability to think in abstract categories does not find full use in everyday life.
It also happens that, while working by profession, it is still not possible to fully realize all the innate potential. More often it happens with multi-vector people who have four, five or more vectors in their arsenal.
Indeed, in this case, it is very difficult to find a specialty that allows you to satisfy all the data from the nature of desire and the possibilities of the psyche. And it is even more difficult to understand one's own nature without clear psychological knowledge.
Why today you are drawn to people, you want communication, active activity, energy is in full swing and the day passes under the motto "five years in two years", and tomorrow there is no desire to get out from under the blanket, you want peace and quiet, read a book and think thoughts, forget about deadlines and philosophize? It is not easy to understand your own internal contradictions.
At the training "System-Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan, we get the opportunity to realize the whole range of our own abilities and desires, which means that we can correctly prioritize and find options for a full-fledged and diverse implementation.
It can be an interesting hobby, additional income, perhaps volunteering or a creative endeavor. Anything that allows you to fully embody innate psychological properties works for you.
No, you don't have to take on three jobs, sports, handicrafts and graphic design. One has only to determine the main thing - the dominant vector, and set aside a few hours a week to implement the rest. With a clear understanding of their needs, the time management process becomes an organizational issue.
No properties of the psyche can stand aside and wait in the wings. Realization is a continuous process. We feel satisfaction with life only when we embody our talents in the results of labor, useful not only for ourselves, but also for other people.
When there is no realization, internal dissatisfaction gradually grows, the subconscious feeling increases that something is missing, that life is incomplete. Dislike of others is manifested. I don't want to see anyone, everyone is annoying, every act seems outrageous.
The reason for strong feelings can also be the tension in the pair relationship. Misunderstandings, mutual recriminations and unfulfilled expectations - often underlying all this is chronic emotional and sexual dissatisfaction. In even more difficult cases - the absence of alimony from the man. For a woman, this is a psychologically extremely difficult situation when she herself loses a sense of security and safety - that is, confidence in her man, in relationships, in the future.
Not a minute of rest
It is during the period when the mother is experiencing difficulties that very often the child begins to behave even worse. It seems that he deliberately aggravates the situation. Why is this happening?
Because the child is in direct psychological dependence on his mother. Until the end of puberty, the child's psyche is not mature. This means that he is not able, even if he wanted, to take full responsibility for his life.
The internal state of the mother is immediately reflected in the behavior of the child. When a mom is under stress, the child loses the subconscious sense of being protected and safe from her. Even in the complete absence of any threats to the baby, he does not feel comfortable, he is anxious, bad, restless. The child does not understand why he feels bad, and cannot explain this to himself or to others.
In this state, the child will constantly demand his mother in an attempt to "get" protection. The little one - screaming, crying; senior - defiant behavior, arguments, antics.
24 hours in arms with an infant or in disputes with a preschooler, in scandals with a schoolboy and a teenager will only lead to an aggravation of the condition of both parties, destruction of trust and long-term consequences.
Boiling point
When the internal state is stressful, any childish whim, crying, pampering or trick can become that trigger, after which there is a cry or even physical punishment. Accumulated dislike gets its object. All our anger is concentrated on the child. It seems that he is to blame for everything, that he provokes, leads, harms on purpose.
Internal negativity is felt so painfully that when there is an outburst of hostility, we are unable to control ourselves. The reason does not matter, we just need to get rid of the pain, reduce the level of subconscious tension. Therefore, the mother can shout at the child, or even hit.
Consequences for everyone
The release of aggression subsequently turns into a sense of guilt and a sense of failure as a parent, pity for the child, challenge and permissiveness. Until the unresolved problem again makes itself felt. And so in a circle.
At the moment of a breakdown, the child completely loses a sense of security and safety. Stress and fear make you do anything or behave as you please, as long as the mother does not scream / beat anymore, even if it goes against her own mental properties. The dermal baby can sit quietly, and the anal one quit the job in half. But this is not for long. Sooner or later, any properties will begin to manifest themselves, only in a negative aspect. You can't get away from nature.
As a result of such parental disruptions, the psychological development of the child stops. This means that the behavior is fixed at a primitive level. The leatherworker will take away or steal toys from other children that he likes - instead of changing or coming up with a common game. The anal baby begins to take offense at everyone and "take revenge" on the younger for what is bad for him. Etc. Bad behavior leads to punishment. The circle is closed.
Why know the reasons?
To be able to work with them. You can change anything in yourself only when there is a clear understanding of how it works. The psychological mechanisms of the realization of innate properties never stop, they do not go on vacation and do not get sick.
Knowing our own nature, understanding how to realize ourselves, we solve several issues at once: we normalize our own state (which means that we become more productive, interesting to other people, we improve relations with a partner and, of course, with a child), and also significantly contribute to harmonious development psyche of the child (we provide full protection and safety, we bring up according to vector properties).
A woman who understands that she has lost the opportunity to use, for example, her abstract thinking in work on a large-scale web project, when a child falls ill, will definitely find a way out and an opportunity to realize her potential. While working on articles, for example. Or will work remotely. In any case, the principle “aware is forearmed” works.
Understanding how the deficit of mother's realization will end for all household members, it becomes obvious for any woman that it is better to spend a couple of hours with children, full of love and affection, than 24 hours, but with screams and scandals.
The feeling of dislike for a loved one suggests that some properties of the psyche are out of work, not all innate desires have found their satisfaction. Only by embodying yourself fully in vigorous activity can you feel real satisfaction. And only then can one look with a smile at the wallpaper painted with paints, calmly react to the "labyrinth" of toilet paper or a broken nose in an attempt to prove that a racer is cooler than a boxer.
Consequently! The child changes radically. He becomes more calm, balanced, active, open, sociable, strives for new things, absorbs information, tries skills. He more and more “lets go” of his mother.
Only by changing ourselves from the inside, we can get the result outside - in life. There is already an effective tool for this - System Vector Psychology.
