How to live after being raped? Phoenix bird of your soul
Sexual abuse is a severe blow to a woman's psyche. Desires of all vectors are manifested in a distorted manner: reactions, behavior, expression of needs and needs often take inadequate character. How to wash it off from yourself? Burn out. Snatch from memory. How to live after being raped? Is it worth living at all?
Jets of hot water pour onto the crown of the head, envelop the body, and burn the skin. Masha does not feel pain. She has been sitting in the bathroom with her knees drawn up for forty minutes. The hand holding the shower has long gone numb. No tears. I have no words. Numbness.
I want to make the water still hot, until it burns, until it bubbles. Let be! It is better to burn in boiling water, in fire, in hell, but not out of shame and abomination, with which the body is now poisoned. And the soul.
How to wash it off from yourself? Burn out. Snatch from memory. How to live after being raped? Is it worth living at all?
Masha watched the riot of student fun as if from the sidelines. The youth broke up into small groups, drank, laughed, and danced.
- Do you want some coffee? - someone's whisper burned his ear. - Let's go to the kitchen, put the kettle on.
The kitchen is very close, ten steps down the corridor. It's dark and dirty. Masha reaches for the switch. Push. She is thrown to the window. The blouse is pulled up, so that the girl's head and hands are in a lace bag. Someone else's fingers hold her wrists over her head. Openwork fabric is stretched over the face, imprinted into the skin. But everything is visible through the delicate pattern.
Time stopped. The scream caught in my throat.
… Eternity later, the body left alone slides off the window sill and falls awkwardly on its side.
- You can make yourself some coffee. Kettle on the shelf.
Crumbs on linoleum dig into my cheek. Machines gaze follows the receding boots. Slap the door. A spasm goes through the body.
How can a girl continue to live after being raped?
The body healed treacherously quickly. The illness of the soul only progressed over time.
To cope with the pain that explodes life after rape, the psyche triggers defense mechanisms. Alas, not always successful.
Any protection is built on the foundation laid down in childhood: the basic sense of confidence and security that adults give a child. If it is not there, all attempts to build a saving fortress on a rotten foundation end with the construction being erected collapsing, causing additional suffering.
This is familiar to many women survivors of sexual assault. Without a sense of the psychological rear, a woman is left alone with a problem and often chooses dead-end ways to get out of it.
Masha did not work out with the rear. Parents are simple hard workers, all day at work, so Masha has long been accustomed to independence. She came home from school, sat down for lessons. There were no other joys. And studying was not particularly joyful, but it distracted me from other, even more bleak thoughts.
Masha learned to read early and communicated with book characters. She almost did not observe living emotions. Mom and Dad were serious people, without sentimentality. It was not accepted to discuss something, to share intimate things, to play, to walk together. The girl did not dare to deal with problems and questions. I saw that adults were not up to her, I felt that they did not have the necessary answers. The conviction began to grow stronger: “I am transparent. My life has no special value."
With such a slogan on the banner, any battle is lost in advance. The world read the Machine's sensation and diligently confirmed it: parents did not notice, classmates ignored, teachers looked through her.
Masha turned more and more into a shadow. A lonely child who does not feel supported loses confidence in his safety. You can develop normally only when you feel care and protection from large, strong loved ones. First it is the parents, then the school.
Not feeling the rear, the child takes on an unbearable burden - to cope with life alone. Love and care give a foundation, strength, faith in oneself. And forced independence is like uncured cement: instead of pushing off, you get stuck.
The law of the psyche is "to survive at any cost!" Every day, making sure that no one would support, help, or praise, Masha took responsibility for her life. But the responsibility was immature, unsubstantiated. It seemed to the girl that she could do everything herself. And if it didn’t work, I thought that she was unlucky, mediocre, weak.
People with an anal vector are hostages of their experience. They remember everything, generalize and look into the future through the prism of their experiences.
Each new blow only confirmed Machine's sense of worthlessness. The more I wanted to prove to myself and the world the opposite. Therefore, I did not go for help. Suffered.
When Masha was beaten with schoolbags, she said nothing, did not complain, did not cry in front of everyone. Oh, are you so? So cool? She was boycotted. Again she endured, suffered, melted before our eyes, but was silent.
Masha liked the boy from the parallel class. He guessed and blurted out to the others. Someone brought an old doll to school, stripped it naked, wrote "Masha" on a plastic body, stuck a white rag in her hair, and teased him as a "bride." Masha felt her soul bare, but was silent.
The visual vector is connections between people, sensual contact, intimacy. Any child needs positive emotions and feedback from others. And a small person with a visual vector needs them, like a flower the sun.
Warmth, support, mother's lullaby, a kind book, the ability to openly experience emotions, laugh and cry are the necessary "fertilizers" on which his soul grows stronger. Fear for your life grows into confidence, a kind attitude towards the world, and then dissolves with warmth, empathy, love for people. And in an atmosphere of indifference, alienation, cruelty, innate properties do not develop, they remain in a state of embryo.
Unconsciously trying to avoid pain, a person is fenced off from the world with a glass cap, does not feel others, and remains alone with his fears and pain.
Life after life
Masha did not tell her parents about the incident. She had kept everything in herself before, she was secretive, closed, and now she finally shrank into a ball.
Skin vector properties are limiting and control. In a normal state, the psyche tracks and reduces desires on the basis of benefits and benefits for the body. For example, a person refuses fatty foods because it is unhealthy. Or sleeps less to get more done during the day.
Limitations become unhealthy under stress. After the rape, Masha began to deny herself everything. I hardly left the house, did not communicate with anyone. I didn't buy new things, and of the old I wore only dark and inconspicuous ones.
The contact with the world hurt. Masha forbade herself to feel. I wanted to take up as little space as possible, dissolve, disappear. The world has shrunk to the size of its own body. It became a curse, a prison.
Masha felt condemned and condemned herself. Yourself. People. Destiny.
Women who entered into an illegal relationship with a man, at all times, were harshly condemned by society, were considered unfit for marriage and procreation. Their life was devalued, lost its meaning.
To this day, a woman who was raped feels stigmatized, spoiled, and dirty.
The presence of the anal vector increases the suffering many times over, since this is a blow to the most expensive. Honor and purity is the main reference point, the credo of such a woman.
All the most valuable and important things in the Machine of Life were crossed out. And she took all the blame for what happened. She did not manage, did not fight back, did not shout, did not break the window … Every day she found more and more evidence of her guilt. And she pronounced herself a verdict: unworthy. Not worthy of attention, compassion, trust. Unworthy for life itself, let alone happiness.
Another stone in the piggy bank of negative experiences. And another confirmation: the world is dangerous, people are evil and cruel, do not expect anything good.
Resentment grew in my soul. She had not had a specific face for a long time. Masha condemned everyone. Women - for emptiness and indifference, men - for debauchery and cruelty, life - for injustice and meaninglessness.
Guilt and resentment are a double trap, and each attempt to escape only tightens the ring, increasing the pain.
Life seemed to be stratified into parallel realities.
Masha was thrown from one extreme to another. At first, she hated herself and sincerely believed that she deserved only the bad. She seemed to revel in her own pain, looking for additional sources of suffering. Then she refused food, then she ate everything. I tried to drown the memories in alcohol - the hangover was terrible, but the pictures in my brain did not go out. I thought about drugs - only the fear of losing control of the situation held back. I got to the point of thinking about suicide, but that would mean a final defeat - I couldn't, I couldn't cope, I gave up.
Then indignation boiled up in her: “Where have you been, God ?! For what? Why me?" Since childhood, she was tormented by questions about why this life is needed, what is the point in what is happening. Now this sound search has grown into a cry of despair: "You are either mediocre and cruel, or You are not!"
Rampage gave way to apathy, I just wanted to sleep. Do not see. Not to hear. Don't feel. Sleep!
Stuck in pain
Time passed, and the events of that day seemed to be erased from memory. Masha tried to live on, finished her studies, worked hard. But internal contradictions were reflected in behavior, in interaction with others. Masha then pushed people away from herself, destroyed relationships, did not believe in sincerity, refused to help. She felt herself the most unhappy, fell into hysteria, frantically demanded attention, was jealous.
Often, a woman who has experienced rape at a young age seems to be stuck in childhood, unable to move forward. She is not aware of the reasons for her difficult reactions to the world around her, which are rooted in the past. She treats everything that happens with pain and distrust, it is difficult for her to find her place in life, to socialize.
Working with people and for people, realizing your talents is a powerful source of energy, inspiration and joy. But when pain obscures your eyes, life is not a joy. Even when a woman is engaged in a business to which her soul lies, she does not appreciate it, does not realize the benefits of her work, does not enjoy success.
Likewise in personal relationships. The pain, fear, and mistrust associated with the rape experience make it difficult to build healthy bonds with men. Believing herself to be guilty, dirty, unworthy of love, a woman may unconsciously avoid bonding or attract inappropriate partners.
And even when she meets a wonderful man who is ready to love, appreciate, protect, provide, it can be difficult for her to relax, believe her happiness, accept love and care.
Soul and body after rape
Sexual abuse is a severe blow to a woman's psyche. Desires of all vectors are manifested in a distorted manner: reactions, behavior, expression of needs and needs often take inadequate character.
And since the soul and body are inextricably linked, sooner or later the body also begins to ache. The predisposition to certain psychosomatic diseases is associated with the innate properties of the psyche and depends on the psychological state of the person.
It can be all kinds of skin diseases, digestive problems, weight disorders, vaginismus, weakened immunity, allergies, autoimmune diseases - every woman has her own list.
Health problems have not spared Masha either. She became a frequent visitor to clinics and hospitals, but no relief came. Until the cause is eliminated, the consequences cannot be treated.
Masha became even more fixated on herself and her problems, fenced off from the world.
The power of awareness
Withdrawing into oneself does not save one from suffering, but intensifies it. It is important to remember that interaction with other people brings not only pain, but also joy.
A woman reacts in accordance with how she perceives the world around her. Perception largely depends on two basic factors:
- properties of the psyche, received from birth;
- the circumstances in which these properties develop. The main condition for harmonious development is the feeling of security and safety that a girl receives from adults.
The woman does not choose either one or the other. As well as not choosing parents, fate, people, situations. The unconscious guides the behavior. Whatever the woman does, it's not her fault. Rape is a crime and must be punished by law. The woman did not deserve anything for what happened. The pain is great. But as long as the body is alive, there is hope. This is not the end, not defeat, not a curse. She survived - it means she has already won, so there is strength for the next step!
Look the problem in the face, realize what happened, yourself, your reactions, the reasons for the behavior.
After the rape, the train of fate seems to derail. Many women try to erase the experience of violence from their lives, forget about everything, push the problem into the unconscious. The illusion of pain relief arises.
But only what is revealed in consciousness can be tracked and corrected. Then the consequences of trauma cease to distort the perception of reality, control fate, and affect health and relationships with people.
When a woman deeply understands herself, she begins to adequately perceive her desires, the needs of the soul and body. Unjustified self-accusation goes away. Negative experiences no longer pull back. The imaginary independence is replaced by mature responsibility, the strength to move forward appears.
Awareness of their abilities and talents opens up new opportunities for implementation, new interests, aspirations, goals awaken. Life takes on a taste.
Unwinding the tangle of events, a woman distinguishes between causes and effects, sees a lot in a new light, overestimates, learns to correctly live and express her emotions.
The experienced pain from an unbearable burden turns into a sensory experience. A woman who herself went through suffering is able to deeply perceive the problems of other people, empathize, help, love. Opening her heart to meet people, focusing on them, she becomes less and less fixated on herself, and the pain recedes.
Awareness is a powerful tool with which a woman regains herself, forges a connection with the world. Fatalism and doom are gone, life is filled with meaning. Like a Phoenix, the soul rises from the ashes, strength and health return:
The rape experience for many women becomes a turning point. It is impossible to run away and not hide from what happened, but this does not mean that you need to accept and suffer. Lend a helping hand to yourself right now! You deserve the best!