My kid is a bully … beat, scold or give up?
Where does aggression come from in such a desired, beloved and caring child? Why does a teenager from a wealthy family who never needed anything start stealing? What is the reason for the complete denial of any rules of conduct, lack of any authority and inability to obey?
The time has passed when any "deviations" in the child's behavior were decided to be solved with the help of dad's belt or mom's tears. It doesn't work now.
The modern child “bully” does not see or hear parental persuasion, ignores the recommendations of psychologists, does not care about the opinion of teachers, is not afraid of the prospect of getting into the attention of law enforcement agencies, and after physical punishment he does, as if in spite of himself, even more egregious actions. The behavior of children of recent generations baffles not only parents, but also graduate psychologists.
Where does aggression come from in such a desired, beloved and caring child? Why does a teenager from a wealthy family who never needed anything start stealing? What is the reason for the complete denial of any rules of conduct, lack of any authority and inability to obey?
The answers to the most difficult questions are given by the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan.
Firstly, in the overwhelming majority, the child turns out to be completely ordinary, having only innate mental features that are alien to his parents / educators / teachers / psychologists. If a child exhibits antisocial behavior, there is always a reason, and there is a way to figure it out.
Secondly, you can always give up, but it is worth remembering that before the end of puberty, any mistake in upbringing can be corrected, since the process of development of the psychological properties of the individual continues. The main thing is to understand that behavior correction depends on a set of innate vectors, each has its own methods.
Thirdly, the most important thing is to develop the child, instill in him cultural values and principles of behavior in society, teach him to realize himself. It is possible and necessary to strive to adhere to school laws, but not to the detriment of the development of his personality.
Sadly, but it is the graduates and the honored who tend to hang various labels for children, based only on their own opinions. Therefore, for a start, it is worth figuring out what is invested in the loud word hooliganism? Sometimes it means “didn’t say hello,” “looked gloomy,” “answered rudely,” or something like that.
If these are, indeed, serious things, like fights, damage to property, theft, open ridicule or bullying of other students, then we are looking for the reason.
Natural ranking in the group
Any children's collective is a microcosm, a rehearsal of adult life, training in finding their place under the sun, and the struggle and the formation of interpersonal relations in such a group can be a rather cruel process.
Each person from birth has his own set of psychological properties - vectors, according to which he feels his place in a flock of his own kind and tries to confirm his rank in the team in the way to which he managed to develop. Due to the fact that childhood is just the period when these properties are just developing, the methods of ranking can be quite primitive.
It is worth noting here that a child, deprived of the opportunity for such a rehearsal of adult life, loses such an important skill of social adaptation and begins to live this stage already as an adult.
Fights and other clarifications of relations in a children's team are a phenomenon, albeit unpleasant, but inevitable. It requires control and, if necessary, the intervention of external forces. However, it would be wrong to draw far-reaching conclusions based on isolated cases. A naturally formed team is capable of giving each child much more than the best home education or individual education.
Bully by the opposite
The most difficult thing for many teachers and psychologists is to work with a child with an urethral vector. These are the children about whom they say that he is uncontrollable, completely unpredictable, openly ignores any attempts to restrain him, any attempts at punishment turn into a demonstrative violation of the rules and trampling on authority.
At the same time, there is an unquestionable and unconditional authority of him in the group, the presence of special charisma, some inexplicable charm and attractiveness of the "bad guy". In fact, he turns out to be a fairly capable and even talented student, everything is easy for him, but his behavior negates all attempts to interest him in studies.
He is capable of both starting a fight and resolving any conflict in the team, he is the unconditional leader of his little flock, capable of confirming his highest rank. Yes, he feels himself to be in charge, yes, he has an innate understanding of mercy and justice, yes, he is able to take responsibility for everyone he considers his own, in his feelings he is a leader, no matter how old he is. Physiologically and psychologically, he cannot obey, this is alien to him and unacceptable, as any teacher cannot understand how one can not listen to elders.
The situation when two urethral children fall into one class necessarily ends with a fight, where one proves his superiority, and the second must leave, make room. There can be no two urethralists in one team.
Another variant of the asocial behavior of the urethral child happens when they try to control him, both at home and at school. It is not possible to challenge the headmaster or your father, so other ways to prove your rank are used. Open disobedience, disruption of lessons, damage to property, even setting fire to and leaving the house. Attempts to control the urethral man lead to the fact that he either resists and wins, or leaves to look for his flock, convinced of the hostility of others trying to shove him into their own framework.
Born to lead, to be merciful and just, devoid of ambition and resentment, the urethral in conditions of erroneous upbringing turns into a criminal authority. Living by his own laws, contrary to the whole world, because he has a feeling that this world is hostile.
Slippery thief
Cutaneous hyperactivity is another suspiciously bizarre behavior for traditional teachers. Sometimes, in addition to labels, such children can even be given medical diagnoses and prescribed medications, no matter how sad it is to realize. System-vector psychology explains and clearly shows the reasons and mechanism of such a phenomenon as child theft, deception, as well as a state of hyperactivity.
A child with a skin vector has a huge need for movement, his natural needs are to get and conquer, it is extremely important for him to be the fastest, smartest of all, to have what others do not have. Intensive skin metabolism releases a large amount of energy that must be spent somewhere, and spent profitably, in a logical way. To sit quietly for 45 minutes for such a child is an extremely difficult test, in which he does not yet see his own benefit and benefit.
The lack of a cutaneous vector in parents leads to a strong misunderstanding of their own child, his needs and desires, and as a result, to an attempt to “calm down” or re-educate under his own feelings, views and principles. As a result, cutaneous hyperactivity manifests itself like an avalanche after breaking the dam of domestic total prohibitions. In the case of physical punishment at home, we have theft as a way to level the mental state, plus shameless deception in order to shield ourselves and avoid punishment. Attempts to substitute another. All these are primitive, groping ways to realize the skin's own psychological properties.
Physical punishment for a dermatologist is a severe stress that does not have any educational power, but only drives him into a state of deficiency in filling his psychological needs, creating an imbalance in the biochemistry of the brain, which is felt as suffering, negative.
The inborn needs to get, to get in any way require their fulfillment, and in a state of stress, this need becomes stronger than the fear of subsequent punishment. It is impossible to overcome your own nature. Repetitive theft can only be evidence of repeated physical abuse of a child.
By our attempts to "knock" the addiction out of the little thief, we form a negative life scenario for him, in which we exclude the possibility of developing and learning to realize himself at a higher level than theft. A potential lawyer, engineer, businessman or sportsman remains at the first, lowest stage of his development.
You will answer me for everything
Children with an anal vector in a stressful state can show cruelty towards peers or younger students. The most obedient, calm, assiduous and diligent student suddenly becomes a closed stubborn, and strives to mock the weaker, as if receiving some kind of brutal pleasure from the suffering of another child. System-vector psychology explains the reason for this behavior by the psychological characteristics of the child's anal vector.
Without a systematic understanding of the situation, it is extremely difficult for a skin mother to realize and accept the slowness and consistency of an anal child. Doing several things at the same time, she is not able to understand how it is possible to do one thing for so long, then check and redo it again. Economical and restrained both in words and in emotions, she is extremely rarely able to praise her son or daughter for anything, because for her, praise does not matter.
The indisputable authority of the mother for the anal baby makes her fulfill all her requirements and wishes. The child tries to do everything faster, to step over his own nature, which he cannot do. He does not have time to finish what he has begun, the process stops in half, his efforts go to waste. At the same time, mother is again not happy, there is no praise, he is scolded, resentment is born, as a result of a skewed internal state towards “I was not given enough”.
There is a desire to take revenge, as an attempt to equalize the imbalance, to distribute to everyone equally both pleasures and sufferings. In inflicting suffering on another, the anal person really gets a kind of pleasure, but this pleasure is not from the suffering of others, but from the return of a balanced state of his own psyche.
The most diligent, obedient and mother's child learns to enjoy the role of a cruel tyrant instead of a potential outstanding teacher, scientist, analyst, or top-class professional. Resentment against the mother can become an insurmountable obstacle to the development of the properties of the child's anal vector.
Hooligans as they are
The child's asocial behavior indicates that, in any case, the problem is in the mental state. There are gaps, voids that the child tries to fill as best he can, but does not know how yet. Understanding, a sense of safety and security, adequate upbringing and development through moderate pressure from the landscape, by directing energy in the direction of interest to the child - this will level, remove the need for hooligan antics. It will disappear as unnecessary, become more uninteresting, like the one that does not bring such pleasure and fulfillment as creative activity.
For example, the organizational capabilities of the leatherman - in a sports team, the anal's perfectionism in preparing essays on a topic of interest to him, in helping lagging students, urethral responsibility for the flock can be redirected to the activities of the head of the class, eliminating any attempts to control and pressure.
Students who have mastered Systemic Vector Psychology talk about their success in the practical application of the knowledge gained, about significant changes in communication with the child and in his behavior. A systematic understanding of the situation gives rise to options for solving the most difficult problems and makes it possible to find an approach to the most "difficult" teenagers and hardened "hooligans".
The secrets of raising modern children can be found at the next free online lectures on systemic vector psychology.
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