Codependency in a relationship - saving him or yourself?
At the heart of the problem lies a state of helplessness, an inability to understand and productively realize one's desires and feelings. It turns out that the codependent knows what to do with the addict, how to live and how to save him. And he doesn't know what to do with himself. If you ask him - why do you live, what do you want to achieve, feel what to leave behind? - then either confusion or something stereotyped will follow in response …
Codependency in a relationship is a pathological condition of two people, when one depends on a bad habit (usually a husband, son), and the other on an addict. The codependent, in fact, is trying to change the life of another person, and this becomes an end in itself, moreover, without the addict, his own life has no meaning.
The codependent tries to control the actions of the other, tries to "re-educate". Feels an obsessive need to take care of a loved one. At the same time, he feels himself a victim and blames the other for his uncomfortable life.
- I gave him my whole life, and he …
- I can not leave him, where is he without me?
- What else can I do to make him understand at last ?!
- I can no longer live in this hell, but I can not leave either …
Continue the list of the pain of desperate women yourself.
Codependency in a relationship with a man
Lyudmila Ulitskaya often describes in her books scenarios of addiction. She herself faced drug addiction and alcoholism in the family:
“The man reached the bottom, and then death, and he himself rose from this almost fatal situation … I had only to stretch out my hand,” writes L. Ulitskaya.
This is the only way out - to leave the patient alone. And yes, to the mercy of fate (and in fact, under his own responsibility). With full awareness that there is no other way out.
But how difficult it is to do it!
Codependency in relationships with children
Why is my child drinking, addicted to drugs?
- Probably, I didn’t do it much, I worked a lot, I missed it in childhood.
- They flogged a little, they were too kind, so I relaxed.
- The time is such, all temptations are available. And how can one not sleep in such a country?..
- Maybe genes are to blame?
Cross out all of the above. It has nothing to do with it.
Why do some of the eternally busy parents do not become dependent children, but in our country they do? What does work have to do with it ?!
What does kindness have to do with the absence of a belt in childhood ?!
From the outside, you can find a flaw in every parent: disliked, overlooked, under-educated …
Based on psychoanalysis, you can find out the exact answer to the question "why?"
Causes and signs of codependency in relationships
Codependent since childhood carries a lot of pain. She grew up in a lack of love from her parents - more often from her mother. She was betrayed, offended by guys, men. The life scenario developed in such a way that she realized: trusting someone is dangerous. Growing up in distrust of the world, a girl is unconsciously afraid to associate herself with an interesting, fulfilled person. Feels unworthy. She thinks: “Why am I like this to him? It’s the turn of beautiful, interesting women.”
Potential alcoholics and drug addicts are attracted by girls who were devalued in childhood. Who were humiliated, suppressed or ridiculed by parents, classmates, and then boys.
Such a woman chooses a man with a similar worldview and feels him “hers”. The scenario of a woman in a codependent relationship boils down to consolidating the position of “helpless in this cruel world” - both at home and at a loved one.
Whether it is a husband or a child, or even a parent. This cross is attracted to her like a magnet - the dependence of the neighbor.
She is inclined to control, lives under the motto "everything by herself", and unconsciously is happy with this state of affairs. Although he denies it with his consciousness, he does not even admit it to himself.
How nice it is to feel irreplaceable, vital for another person! When everything depends on you. And giving up this role is insanely difficult.
The key to understanding codependency in a relationship is that both believe that life is unhappy. Their psyche did not learn to enjoy pleasure in childhood. But I learned to take pleasure in suffering.
One thinks that he drinks, because "how not to drink, you need to relieve stress, tired." Another thinks: "Where can a good life come from with such a husband (son)?.."
Both have:
- self-pity;
- the life position of an immature person: he (they, the world, God) are to blame; complete removal of responsibility for my life - “This is the fate, I am not to blame. You need to accept your cross, humble yourself."
In such a family, children also adopt the attitudes of their parents, therefore they are potentially dependent. From gambling addiction, addiction to addiction in a relationship with your partner.
Suffer or live in joy?
At the heart of the problem lies a state of helplessness, an inability to understand and productively realize one's desires and feelings. It turns out that the codependent knows what to do with the addict, how to live and how to save him. And he doesn't know what to do with himself. If you ask him - why do you live, what do you want to achieve, feel what to leave behind? - then either confusion or something stereotyped will follow in response. And also - "stop living like that (suffer)." One gets the impression that rejoicing, perceiving life with an open and grateful heart is something incredibly difficult.
In their worldview, the victim and the savior complement each other, therefore they cannot break off codependent relationships, despite the fact that they are very painful.
But ideally, a woman inspires and "creates" a man, and he changes the world for her sake. Why, in dependent relationships, people only ruin each other?
Codependency in a relationship with a man - how to get rid of
Psychologists have long been trying to solve the problem using the Karpman triangle, psychotherapy - personal or group. Groups are being created for the "12 steps" program, where people with the same problem support each other and analyze their actions and symptoms. There are results, but it takes up to several years. And if a person stopped going to the group, and then got stress, then he instantly "falls" into the previous scenario. Because he is not fully aware of what really drives him, how his unconscious works.
When at the training a woman reveals the visual vector in herself, realizes that she is forced to act in a certain way, then dramas leave her personal life. After all, the most common causes of codependency in relationships are trauma in the visual vector.
When a visual girl is raised "strong" and "impenetrable" for external adversity, forbidden to feel, ashamed for tears / whims, ridiculed or aggravated children's fears, what kind of child does she grow up to be? A small naive child remains in the body of a woman, able only to feel sorry for herself and others, but not love. After all, everything connected with the expression of emotions is tied with anchors of prohibitions, negativity and shame. Subsequently, it is pity for the man that triggers feelings for him.
Often a weak emotional bond with mom is added to this. Mom was nominally, and the closeness and warmth with her was not enough for the child to open up, to trust. Emotionality remains fragile, and there is always a fear of mental coldness from another, fear of parting, rejection. In the future, such a woman will choose the “safe man”, the least competitive one. An alcoholic will definitely not quit, another woman will not lead away, and love for him can be earned by saving and helping.
All unspent emotionality freezes in the throat like a lump of self-pity. Suppressing your “worries about trifles” becomes the only way to stay strong, not to drop your face. "If only not to cry, just to restrain myself."
She goes far in this: indifferently flipping through the news bulletin, avoiding painful, sad topics. Sensuality does not blossom, the desire to love is locked in a cage of warnings. Sexuality is suppressed. And then what? Tightness, belief in a fairy-tale prince and fear of rejection. Worthy, self-respecting men seem to be spinning in a different orbit, and a guy with an addiction is drawn to her - one who is not against pity.
Svesela uttered pleasant flattery to her, made her laugh and relaxed, gave her a feeling of desire and promised a fabulous life. She feels safe next to him, she wants to feel this lightness again and again. He assures that he has been looking for her for a long time and life is not sweet without her.
Yes, he drinks a little, who doesn't happen to? This is because of the difficulties. I was not lucky with the bosses. He didn’t come across women, but “I’m a completely different matter, I can be the best and most caring, I will help him”.
With all the magnitude of her pity, she "falls in love" with him.
Codependency in relationships - how to get rid of
We can give you advice from a psychologist:
- learn to enjoy life on your own;
- fill the inner void with a worthy person, hobbies, friends;
- walk more, be in nature …
Only this is not the case. A loved one with whom you have codependency is like a dose. You are hooked. You can't live without her.
Therefore, cross out all the tips and get effective professional help from specialists.
You cannot get out of the quagmire on your own. Only an outstretched helping hand can serve as the beginning of your deliverance from suffering. Free training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan exists for this purpose - to provide first aid. The bottom line is psychoanalysis, which takes place during the training. You understand that from the inside it guides your actions, feelings, and this awareness gives you freedom and the ability to create happy relationships. And then you can do it yourself, as thousands of people could.
Register for free online lectures now. Until it's not too late…
