Consequences of female friendship: between prank and tragedy
There is no one to trust. Even parents. “Well, what else is missing? What are you coming up with again? Why are you winding yourself up? Why are you worse than others? " How can they clearly answer what is NOT enough, does NOT come up with and yes, WORSE! At times worse than "others". To those who are without sound. No question, no search. But Masha grew up in Soviet times, read books about brave people, about children-heroes. And through the already excruciating pain, she was also ashamed of the fact that she was "not like that." Incomprehensible to parents, stranger to peers. This is she "different". And while she is small, she is locked in these conditions, which she cannot change …
Relaxed by three glasses of champagne, she entered the subway car. Modest but perfectly matched clothes, a pensive look from under barely touched eyelashes, a slight smile on her lips - this is Masha.
Eh, it's good to sit with a friend mentally, to chat "for life"!
Masha has only one friend. The first and only one. But you don't need many friends. Closeness and trust are important, an emotional chain, by which you voluntarily and happily cling to someone close to you in spirit. And it is especially joyful that this loved one has finally been found.
As often happens, two girlfriends were attracted: the anal-visual sound girl Masha and the skin-visual Yulia.
Skin Julia quickly realized that it was beneficial to be friends with the excellent pupil Masha. She is responsible, in pairs she is not distracted, listens carefully and writes perfect notes, while Julia scribbles text messages to countless fans. It is great to prepare for tests and projects with her, to be her partner at the "laboratories".
And the modest, quiet, good Masha is delighted with her brisk and relaxed friend, who is watched by all males from adolescents to old people. Julia follows fashion, is aware of all the events of the cultural life of the city, hangs out in dumb companies, has good acquaintances.
In short, the natural friendship of two elements, where one complements the other. All day long they are together: in the morning at the university, in the evening at the theater, in the cinema or in the bar, on vacation - at the student camp. Soulful conversations in cigarette smoke accompanied by a sweet cocktail or bitter tequila. The emotional connection grows stronger every day.
So, at least, Masha thinks. A qualitatively new life began for her. An ideal daughter, she was always quiet and obedient. After school - home, right after school. And then with a book in the corner of the sofa - and until nightfall.
With the onset of dusk, sound (sound vector) turned on - darkness, silence and loneliness - time to think, reflect on what awaits in adulthood. After all, he must wait, otherwise what was the point of being born! And the meaning should be - there is no way without it.
And with such thoughts - until the morning without sleep. And with an alarm clock to a disgusting school, where no one understood.
Although not only did not understand at school. Yes, loneliness is a thrill for an introvert sound engineer, but when a child also has a visual vector, contradictions tear the soul apart. How to understand yourself when throwing from a passionate desire for closeness and communication, emotions and feelings to an irrepressible desire to isolate oneself from the world with its noise, pain, nonsense and rejection. There is no one to trust. Even parents. “Well, what else is missing? What are you coming up with again? Why are you winding yourself up? Why are you worse than others? " How can they clearly answer what is NOT enough, does NOT come up with and yes, WORSE! At times worse than "others". To those who are without sound. No question, no search. But Masha grew up in Soviet times, read books about brave people, about children-heroes. And through the already excruciating pain, she was also ashamed of the fact that she was "not like that." Incomprehensible to parents, stranger to peers. This is she "different". And while she is small, she is locked in these conditions, which she cannot change.
But the lonely childhood, boycotts and misunderstanding of classmates, the seemingly invariable position of the black sheep, in which she grew up and matured, ended. The dreary school time ended, student life began. When you feel almost like an adult, you can feel free to smoke in front of your mother, come back later than usual and not answer questions.
It was scary to act. Despite the gold medal, there was a fear of disgrace, not justifying, not holding out in the back of my head. And then, new people! What will they be? Will they accept? Will they understand?
Acquaintance with Yulia was a gift from heaven. "Do not worry! Everything's OK! Let's settle it! Come on, I'll find out!.."
Wherever it was difficult for Masha, it was enough for Yulia to wave her eyelashes. It was easy, fun, interesting with her. Julia had a huge library at home. Driven by healthy visual curiosity, the girl read everything and was well erudite. And this means, and on serious topics, she was the best interlocutor in the entire Machine's life …
- Girl, let's get acquainted! - Masha's face flashes with fire. Lost in thought, she didn't even notice that this man had been watching her for a long time.
- Such a beautiful girl and so late in the subway alone! I could be your bodyguard!
- Thank. I don't need protection, - Masha answers embarrassedly. - "And so all my life, as in a cage" - flashes through my head.
- Well, at least you can do it? It's already night!
Masha does not have time to answer, and does not know what. Fortunately, the train stopped at her station.
- No, wait! - the persistent young man follows her. - I live nearby. Do you walk or take a bus?
- Here, clung! - Masha thinks, hurrying to the bus.
- You can't leave like that! Leave at least your phone number, or I'll go with you!
- Do not! - And Masha calls the cherished numbers in the hope of getting rid of the late fellow traveler. It does not occur to her to call someone else's number or change the numbers - lying is not in her nature. Hopefully, he won't remember.
But he remembered. The phone rang before she had time to cross the threshold of the apartment. It was unexpected, but very handy - I didn't have to talk to my mother.
… And away we go. Calls first. Later he persuaded to meet. Gave flowers, invited me to a restaurant.
He was much older than Masha. And for the crazy 90s, he stood well on his feet. I got my bearings in time, organized some kind of business, rented an apartment.
But this was not what attracted Masha. Hungry for emotions, the visual vector rejoiced at attention, flowers, walks. But the heart was silent. He was a stranger, with alien values and ideals. He has never read a single book in his life, miraculously, not even one of the school curriculum. For business, simple arithmetic was enough for him. All aspirations were reduced to "earn, skip and earn again."
There was nothing to talk about with him. And there was nothing to be silent about. He considered machines of "weirdness" to be age-related nonsense. "There will be a family, children, the crap will fly out!"
Masha did not want a family. She wanted to break out of the cage. And she agreed.
…Wedding is soon. A dress was sewn and rings were bought. It remains to "spend youth". And since Masha, except for Yulia, has no friends, they decided to have a fun together. Masha set the table, Julia brought two bottles of Martini. Laughter and tears, memories and dreams - it was sincere, as always.
Sat up late. In the evening, the future husband returned from work. We drank together.
- Mash, is he faithful and loyal, as you dreamed? - Yulia asked with a slightly tangled tongue.
- Well, yes, probably. He says that I am the love of his life.
- Do you want to check?
- What is it like?
- I'll try to seduce him. If he refuses, then a hammer, a reliable husband will be. Well, let's try? It will be fun!
- Of course, he will refuse, - Masha answered not quite confidently. She really wanted that at least once a man would choose her, and not a clumsy friend. Moreover, it was HER man and he had already made a choice. Martini throbbed in her temples, I couldn't think clearly.
“Well, try…” Masha almost whispered, filled her glass and went to smoke in the kitchen.
She did not turn on the light. She rested her forehead against the glass and stared into the starry winter sky for a long time. The cigarette has long gone out. There was clattering and giggling outside the wall. There were no thoughts. There were no feelings. There was not even pain. Rather, it was so strong that it "knocked out the plugs" - the brain refused to register it, the dose was fatal.
How the fate of Masha developed is not difficult to guess, even without being personally acquainted with her. Everything is systemic. As well as with Julia. For whom it was just a prank, an experiment, an adventure. Nothing personal. Another trophy of a dermal-visual female.
The consequences of this night for Masha are comparable only to the consequences of a nuclear catastrophe.
Taking away the only emotional connection from a visual person is like cutting off oxygen, knocking out support from under your feet.
And without that thin and vulnerable, he loses the strength to live. Immunity drops. The innate fear of death, doom, inevitability raises its head.
Nocturnal attacks of suffocation, constant colds, panic attacks - The machine is a visual payment for broken feelings.
Life-long resentment, loss of faith in people and, as a result, complete isolation: no girlfriends, inability to build a long-term relationship with a man. This is how the anal vector reacts, drawing an even line: once betraying, betraying and again. Everyone is like that. That men, that women. It would be nice out of mind, but the memory does not let go.
Even the flight into sound, the intensified search for oneself, the search for an elusive meaning did not help. Study, another education, work, another, third … Books, thoughts, sleepless nights, thoughts again …
“Life is nonsense! Life is pain! Life is an illusion! What for? For what? Why me?"
Thirty years of emptiness and loneliness, resentment, fears and endless ailments …
… And what about Julia? She dropped out of school, married an elderly wealthy foreigner, went to him and after some time opened a tiny beauty salon. They have no children. But there are four cats and a winter garden with roses.
What's wrong here? Black injustice? Bad rock? Evil eye? A curse? Or are there clear patterns of human nature?
And then what - again fatalism, everything is predetermined, nothing can be changed?
Even 30 years later, you can start from scratch. Return to the "factory settings", understand the structure of your soul and restart. The main thing is to find the right button.