My husband constantly scolds and humiliates me, or a Victim of verbal sadism
At the same time, nagging about order, criticism for poor performance of household duties, unfair reproaches, taken, as it seems to you, from the ceiling, increased. He is looking for opportunities to belittle you a little, level your merits, say something unpleasant …
Few of those women who become victims of verbal repression from their husbands - constant reproaches, evil irony, insults, claims or even simple grumbling suspect that they are victims of domestic sadism. This phenomenon is especially widespread in our country, where many women attach an exaggerated importance to marriage. The fear of divorce, life under the label of a single mother, and even the very idea that such an attitude towards a woman is normal, create conditions for the widespread spread of the problem of sadism.
Whether this is normal or not normal, it does not help in solving the problem. A Russian woman values marriage very much and is ready to do much to preserve and improve it, even if life is getting harder. At first, a caring and attentive, reliable and loving husband, during his life together, becomes his opposite - a cruel and cold-blooded domestic tyrant. Friends are already openly talking about this, but you don't want to hear, because it's not about him!
How a caring husband turns into an evil tyrant
Sweet in the romantic period, its manifestations take such forms that you stop recognizing your chosen one. You liked it so much when he suddenly squeezed you tightly, on the verge of a pain threshold, there was so much strength and reliability in this, the strength of his feelings, attraction, your chosenness … now … it will never come to real violence, but sometimes you feel behind it strange aggression, a desire to hurt. If asked to let go, he may hesitate, as if receiving a strange pleasure from it. His jokes on the verge of a foul made you laugh very much on your honeymoon: "are you sure you can go out in this?", "Shut up, woman", "you will know who is the boss." But now they look like cruel bullying, while it is normal for your partner.
At the same time, nagging about order, criticism for poor performance of household duties, unfair reproaches, taken, as it seems to you, from the ceiling, increased. He is looking for opportunities to belittle you a little, level your merits, say something unpleasant, for example, “I cleaned up well, but forgot to put my slippers back in place,” and then immediately smooth over the negative impression: “Come to me, I'm kidding, you know". And these endless "but", endless "under-". In the end, you feel deeply hidden grudges against you, while you would definitely pass the qualifying round of the "Russia's best wife" competition.
Why advice from friends and self-improvement does not help return a caring husband
And then you wonder what is wrong in your relationship. You go to psychologists, girlfriends, refer to psychological articles. One friend says: "Are you crazy - I could not endure this." Another offers to endure, because "he is a man, let the right be on his side." The now popular "Vedicity" teaches not to contradict the husband, to take care of his beauty and psychological health, then he will change for the better.
Numerous psychological sites and psychologists themselves offer millions of approaches, ranging from working through childhood, scripts, inner children and parents, and so on … Whoever tried these methods knows that nothing helps one hundred percent: a new expensive beautiful dress was cruelly ridiculed, an attempt not to argue anyway ended in dispute and humiliation, the balance of psychological health and female happiness accumulated in the salon was disturbed with particular cruelty by another inexplicable scene.
The lack of success in improving the family situation is due to the fact that we do not understand the essence of the conflict, the nature of our own and our partner. Fragmentary advice and knowledge often contradict each other and give a temporary effect, we start to apply them, and again abandon them, because this scattered knowledge does not add up to a system. The curve of happiness and unhappiness in relationships moves unpredictably up and down, and we already cease to understand the causal relationships of our words, actions, techniques and ways to cope with what is happening in the family.
A new approach to conflict resolution
The men described above are of the anal-vector type. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan describes eight vectors, eight types of innate psychological properties inherent in humans. This is an integral, systemic knowledge about the human psyche, which allows you to recognize his innate mental properties and desires, see the reasons for his behavior, and deeply understand the roots of one or another of your conflict with this person.
Knowledge of the properties and manifestations of each vector, the criteria for their development and implementation in an individual allow us to quickly and accurately determine the state of a person, to understand him “from the inside”. This is a fundamentally different approach to a person, since we apply all advice and knowledge through our understanding, our feelings, which deprives us of the opportunity to realize the nature of the conflict, and, as a result, to solve it.
The roots of verbal sadism
So, the anal vector. As Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology says, in his potential, a man with a developed and realized anal vector is a faithful and devoted husband, the best boss, a caring father, a reliable worker, an excellent specialist in any business. This man is a real homemaker, protector, jack of all trades. All of these properties can be developed and realized by any person with an anal vector. However, the healthy development of the vector and its properties is set before puberty, that is, up to 15-17 years. And, unfortunately, most children develop in difficult psychological circumstances in the family, kindergarten and school, so their psyche is exposed to stress, which, when entering adulthood, can prevent them from being realized in society.
For example, the type of behavior described above is characteristic of the bearer of the anal vector, who has problems with implementation in society, that is, lacks in the sphere of his vector desires. This behavior will necessarily be associated with his relationship with his mother. If you analyze the relationship of your partner with his mother, you will notice that he has a strong bond with his mother, which is characteristic only of this type of psyche. And, depending on how the child developed, there may be two options for his relationship to the mother. Or it will become a supervalue for him and his usual words will be: "Mom always said," "Mom was right." Or a person will have a grudge against his mother, often unconscious, rooted in childhood. Resentment in the unconscious can be carried out on women in general and cause domestic tyranny.
Often at the origins of verbal sadism lies a bad first experience with a woman. People with an anal type of psyche, consistent, thoughtful, inert, devoted, attached, gravitating towards learning and understanding, passing deeply through themselves every experience, every knowledge, every state, tend to become hostages of the first experience. By asking an anal man about his first experience, you can see part of the picture of his perception of the world, because the first experience makes up a huge part of this picture. If the "former", "first", "did not understand", "underestimated", "offended", "did not accept", then this experience and resentment against women will become a filter through which a man with an anal vector will look at the purest and bright manifestations of the one that is nearby.
In the anal vector, the main aspiration set by nature is the accumulation and transfer of knowledge to other people. These men can become highly qualified specialists in their field, scientists, doctors, writers. If a developed man loses his job or position in society, the realization of these properties in society, or simply sits at home for a long time without activity, then he receives severe stress, which drives him into such negative vector states that this article is devoted to. Sadistic over the junior in rank, a person experiencing an acute lack, emptiness inside, unfulfillment or stress associated with the experience of the distant past, brings out these unbearable feelings in order to relieve the accumulated tension a little.
Already only understanding the reasons for the partner's rude behavior, you take off huge stress from yourself: “why me,” “why,” “what did I do,” and then you have the opportunity to accept and support him, seeing the whole picture of what is happening in the family.
Systems thinking as a way to resolve conflicts
At the training on System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan, each person, through awareness of the properties of the observed vector, its problems and stresses, the level of development, can understand the roots of difficult conditions, their own or a loved one, that this vector carries. Answers and solutions come from within, together with the awareness of their nature and the nature of the people around them, described through the properties of eight vectors. In contrast to the advice of friends and knowledge, the essence of which is an attempt to cure the symptoms of a "disease" from the outside, system-vector psychology makes it possible to deeply understand oneself and one's partner, "from the inside."
This fundamentally different approach to a person, discovered during the training, together with realizations and elaboration of one's states, brings about strong changes in life, helps to solve psychological problems, one's own and one's environment, and gives stable results. Feedback from people who have mastered systems thinking about issues such as home sadism and violence:
The fear of a new relationship has disappeared. Now I clearly understand who I need and how to behave with men. Now I will definitely not fall into the arms of a sadist, I observed anal frustrations from experience)))) I accept my past problems as experience. With this it became possible to live in peace. This is a feeling of fulfillment and harmony in oneself. No silly meditations and useless visualizations! Victoria, teacher-organizer and tutor
Podlesnoe Read the full text of the result
He constantly said that everything is fine, BUT the hairstyle does not fit the coat, or why there are such bruises under the eyes, he gave an assessment of my health, said that in my appearance, it was immediately clear that I had bad kidneys, lungs, etc. d …
Yes, it turns out that verbal sadism works no better than physical sadism, leaving no less clues in the mental. I am glad that these remnants can be removed from oneself without any psychotechnics, meditations or church confessions …
Nina, economist
Moscow Read the full text of the result
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