The lascivious goat. And I'm such a fool
- Do you know where your husband is now? - Yes … no … What's wrong with him ?! - Everything is fine with him. He dined well, drank wine and is now asleep. In my bed.
The phone call ripped through the silence of the night and divided my life into "before" and "after".
- Do you know where your husband is now?
- Yes … no … What's wrong with him ?!
- Everything is fine with him. He dined well, drank wine and is now asleep. In my bed.
Laughter. A hoarse, depraved laugh. From this moment on, for many years he will haunt me everywhere, appear at the most unexpected moment, in the most inappropriate situation, in other events, hugs, in another life. How to forgive an insult, if you understand: branded with treason, rejected once, now nobody needs you, reviled, defamed? Who wants to do business with you? Sooner or later, everyone will find out what a fool you are, a complete fool who once believed the false words: "Baby, believe me, I will never hurt you." Betrayal has no statute of limitations, and resentment against her husband becomes a faithful companion for more than one year.
Resentment for a loved one …
What can you compare this pain with when you want to tear out your insides twisted into a tight knot, when you have become blind and deaf, lost sensitivity, and the cigarette butt pressed into your palm goes out, and nothing but the stench of singed skin. Nothing! I can not breathe. A dim vacuum around, and it seems that you are no longer there, and only the body is still wandering, abandoned here for some unknown reason. Love, a great balance, is broken by the shameless invasion of filth, for which there is nothing sacred. How could he prefer her, does he not see that before him is a dummy, an insignificant, selfish reptile, an upstart, a creature …
To avenge an insult, to avenge her, him, both of them. Resentment against a husband requires active and merciless action. It is impossible to endure this pain, there is no strength to live on with the shameful stigma of rejected, second-rate. Whoever has experienced this torment at least once will never say - forgive them, nonsense, everything will change. It is in the books that the generous heroine mercifully forgives her offender, leads the life of a righteous woman, keeping love for the traitor in her heart, and as a reward he returns to her, amazed by her purity and nobility. Curtain. Evil is punished. Justice prevails. Alas, completely different people triumph in life - cunning, shameless slickers who just to snatch. They won't keep up with the price. Still, because others are paying.
Will everything change? What is flour? / No, better with flour! (Marina Tsvetaeva)
Long sleepless nights, I returned to the past again and again. How good it was for us, what words he spoke, how he looked with his bottomless eyes: "I love you catastrophically." And her? How did he love filth? Just as fierce and passionate? What whispers to her at the peak of pleasure? It seemed that this would never happen again in my life. I will not allow anyone so close, to the fantastic unity of bodies - at the level of trace elements, at the level of molecular chemistry. Life has lost its meaning forever. How is Remarque doing? "A man without love is nothing more than a dead man on vacation."
Time passed. It seemed that the pain had subsided, the resentment against the beloved had dulled, hatred for the homeless woman had turned into indifference. The body continued to live, performing the usual rituals from day to day. It's time to forgive the offense, I told myself, as much as possible. Only the burn inflicted once did not overgrow, the most insignificant reason was enough for unpleasant memories. The girl in the tram over there is strikingly similar to that reptile, the same idiotic curls, the same lustful laugh. I wish I knew that she died some shameful death! Alas, the scum did not even think of dying, it was well known to me.
Ashes of past grievances
Love burns out, ashes remain - a feeling of resentment. A soul clogged with ash won't warm anyone. It is cold and uncomfortable to the offended, but you can warm yourself up, provoke reproaches. Let the offender remember what he has done and equalize the state, if not to the previous harmony - it cannot be returned, then at least let him create a semblance, the guilty one. And he tried, created, wine is a wonderful stimulus to development. But, offended, everything was not enough for me. Resentment is insatiable. It cannot be eliminated, forgotten, or destroyed in any other way. The offense can only be realized. How? I find out about this much later, already at the training, but while the insult was doing its dirty deed, it controlled my life, imperceptibly replacing my desires.
Several years in my life have passed under the motto "resentment against the guy." I harassed him with reproaches, directed and acted out scenes enough, as I now understand, sadistic content. Not surprisingly, in the end, our relationship ended, the marriage broke up. Relationship, but no offense. I brought all my "work" to a new family. Here, the past grievances began to avalanche replenish with more urgent ones, since the mechanism of their generation and accumulation was firmly in my subconscious. The resentment-guilt-compensation scheme also worked perfectly. She worked until a certain time. Until the husband is tired of endlessly paying for someone who does not know. Our relations have noticeably cooled down, we have drifted away from each other - each went to his own work.
But even here there was no peace under the olives: the offense that once poisoned us quickly expands the affected area, easily disguises itself, takes on new forms, it can even be expressed in different ways. And at work among colleagues, more and more often I felt unfairly out-sided, it seemed to me that I was underestimated, used, ignored. The reason was only that my treasured chest with past grievances never stopped replenishing for a minute. It was they who imperceptibly redirected my thoughts in a different, destructive direction. Dead end. The last straw was this.
I started this project from scratch, collected and systematized material, shoveled a ton of literature, it was generally my brainchild and my idea! And what? The sales department conducts the presentation! What do they know? Except for the rate of profit, nothing. They perverted the whole idea, jumped from fifth to tenth, got confused in terms, it was a shame to listen, but they did not forget to smile at the presidium and repeat through the word "profitable", "income", "cost-effective."
The result is that the project has been transferred to branches, there are more favorable conditions, and I? Did anyone remember me? I'm not saying - deduct me from sales, although it would not hurt, I did not wait for an elementary "thank you"! I slammed the door. They will regret it, they will still beg me to come back. As expected, this did not happen: we have no irreplaceable people. And there is little pleasure in working with an eternally disgruntled person whose expression of reproach never leaves his face. By that time, I had finally become such a person, without even noticing how I ended up in a complete vacuum of my grievances.
Love or resentment?
Resentment and love, like genius and villainy, are two incompatible things. Having settled at home, I quickly ceased to look after myself, turned into a fat dull cough. Interestingly, the scenario of her husband's infidelity was repeated with precision, even the new scum looked almost the same as the previous one. The circle was closed, or rather, it was a labyrinth, closed to one single dead end, where I got to every time. The girl's resentment against the first guy, having intensified dozens of times over the years, like a huge snowball, swept through my life scenario, dramatically changing it and consolidating the changes with a completely different person in completely different conditions - not only in a couple, but also in a group.
Then the troubles turned into a solid wall, I just did not have time to dodge. Each new blow was stronger than the previous one. In this one could see fate, fate, unfavorable opposition of the planets at the hour of my birth, witchcraft, evil eye or corruption. By that time, I already had at least two prima and fifteen promising debutantes for the role of witches. A convinced atheist, I began to bow down in the church, asking for intercession from no one knows who, rushing from psychologists to psychic healers. I guess I really pay for the bloodthirsty ancestors. I was ready to accept even such an explanation, just not to stop rationalizing my actions with new grievances against my beloved.
It turns out that not only was I not able to get the correct answer, I couldn't formulate the question correctly. Not "why am I being unfaithful" I should have asked myself, but "why exactly I react to it this way." What do you mean - exactly me? Don't other women react the same way? Isn't treason once and for all a definite synonym for world evil, and it would not be fair to punish the shameless debauches who destroy families, so as not to get it wrong? I received answers to all these questions when, as it seemed to me, I knew everything about life and half that much more. It turns out that I was wrong here too.
Revenge: everything I was afraid to ask
At the lecture on the anal vector, I was surprised to recognize myself. It turned out that my subconscious is living by me, formed by a certain set of vectors set from birth: four upper and four lower, but only the anal vector in a certain state gives a feeling of resentment, deprivation, what is expressed by the words “I was not given enough”, “I was taken away from”. Only the anal vector gives us the desire to avenge the insult. The skin man will get angry, then go to the shower - and forget. We, "analniks", are able to accumulate grievances and "shortcomings" for decades, cherishing the hope of revenge.
How many of the most sophisticated scenarios for revenge on my offenders have I come up with! From each one could make a thriller more terrifying "Friday the 13th", and how good it is that thanks to the presence of a visual vector, the desire to avenge an offense was filled with drama only in my imagination. Now all this is in the past. Surprisingly, in order to eradicate the feeling of resentment in myself, I did not have to perform any complicated rituals, fasting and meditation. It was enough to realize that I have been living with these past grievances for almost twenty years, and even worse - they live by me.
To be honest, I used to consider myself independent, and to hear that was very … insulting. I had to leave grudges in the past. What changed? So far I can say one thing: it became easier to breathe, walk, improved mood, a taste for life. It is very cool when resentment disappears and love returns.
In passing
I was also pleased with such a side effect of training as weight loss. The problems of anal women with weight loss are well described in system-vector psychology. It may sound unexpected, but the reason for the excess weight is often resentment. Trying to align her "deprived" state, a woman with an anal vector seeks to make up for her lacks in the most accessible and pleasant way - goodies, sweets. The result of such "replenishment" is well known to all those with a sweet tooth. By getting rid of grievances, we remove the reason for the abuse of sweets, which leads to the long-awaited weight loss without much stress.
System-vector psychology brings each person back to himself. Awareness of one's true shortcomings, filling subconscious desires leads to pleasure. I sincerely wish all those reading these lines to join the Cognition of themselves. We are infinitely more perfect than we have realized up to now. We will focus on this. If you have not been to the free online training by Yuri Burlan yet, join, it will be interesting! The psychology of people with cutaneous and anal vectors will appear at a glance, along with understanding, relief will come.
