Violence in family. Skeleton in the closet of perfect relationships
Familiar women, meeting this amazing couple, sigh enviously and nudge their spouse walking by with their elbows: “Look what kind of relationship. See how a husband looks after his wife. Not that you will not wait for an affectionate word … It would seem that the problem of violence in this family is not at all relevant …
It would seem that the problem of violence in this family is not at all relevant. From the outside, this pair looks almost perfect. Always "under the arm", always with a smile on their lips, polite and helpful to each other, despite the long years they lived together, they somehow managed to preserve that quivering relationship that is usually characteristic only of the candy-bouquet period.
Familiar women, meeting this amazing couple, sigh enviously and nudge their spouse walking by with their elbows: “Look what kind of relationship. See how a husband looks after his wife. Not that you - you can't wait for an affectionate word …
Indeed, we have before us a typical representative of the anal-visual man. If such a man is developed and realized, then this is the most exemplary family man, an attentive, caring husband and a good father. For this man, family values are a priority. As a rule, anal-visual men are monogamous - once they fall in love with a woman, they remain faithful to her for the rest of their lives.
It is these men who are capable of the most romantic acts that many women can dream of, for example, spend their entire salary on flowers and cover the family bed with them … Or get up neither light nor dawn and serve breakfast in bed - and not only on March 8, but daily…
Yes, and around the house to help such a husband is not necessary to beg - he will gladly take on some of the household duties, just to please his beloved woman.
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However, this family, like any other, has its own "skeleton in the closet." Domestic cruelty and violence - the article is devoted to this very problem, although it illuminates it from a somewhat unexpected angle …
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Anyone who knows this couple even superficially will be sincerely surprised now. How is there a problem of physical abuse in this family? How can this man, blowing dust particles from his wife, raise his hand against her? How can he, having met her after work with a bouquet of flowers in his hands, at home insult and humiliate?
Under certain conditions, it can. In the presence of frustrations - a consequence of the insufficient development and implementation of the anal vector - anal-visual men can be verbal, and sometimes even real sadists, beating their wives to a pulp. By humiliating, sarcasting, they try to make up for their sexual and social deficiencies.
However, today we will not talk about that at all …
Physical violence in the family - "skeleton in the closet" …
Unfortunately, it is the anal-visual men, developed and realized, so sensitive, gentle and affectionate, who often become … victims of sadistic wives. It was the problem of domestic violence against men that became the reason for this confession article …
The phone once again dispassionately informed that "the subscriber's device is turned off or is out of the network access zone." Anxiety, mixed with bitterness of resentment, shrank inside like a tight spring, tearing my soul to shreds with sharp edges of anger.
Finally, a key rattled in the doorway, trying in vain to get into the keyhole. I felt the bloody foam boil up in my soul - again! Again this bastard not only stayed late at work, but also got drunk with his alcoholic friends. But he swore that "there are no more drops" …
Finally the door opened, and my husband, staggering slightly, entered the room, glancing warily in my direction.
- Hello…
- Are you drunk again? I hissed irritably.
- There Petrovich has a birthday … - muttered her husband, shyly spreading his hands.
- Very cute! Birthday … I'm sitting here, waiting for him, I've already phoned all the morgues, and he goes there on birthdays. Could you call? - I myself did not notice how I broke into a piercing squeal.
The husband winced painfully and, turning away, muttered:
- Do not start. I'm tired.
- Don't start? Stop! I haven't finished talking to you yet!
- Yes, you go …
A red shroud of hatred swept over consciousness in the blink of an eye. "Go?" I'm waiting for you here until midnight, and you're sending me? Oh you …
A hail of blows rained down on my husband's back. He tried to dodge and catch my hands, but I pulled free and hit me in the face. The blow was unexpectedly strong and well-aimed. The husband gasped and grabbed his nose, bewilderment and some kind of childish resentment flashed in his eyes.
Looking at my husband's bloody face, I froze in a stupor, unable to budge …
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Of course, we made up. Despite everything, we cannot take offense at each other for a long time. I, choking in tears, asked for forgiveness and promised "never again, never" … My husband stroked my head and quietly muttered that everything was fine, he was not offended …
Unfortunately, this case of physical abuse in our family was not the first.
Sometimes it seemed that my husband himself provoked me, because he knows perfectly well how I am enraged by some of his words, especially those he said while drunk.
I began to break down more and more often, feeling after quarrels a strange, frightening, painful devastation in my soul, as if something was burning out there. I very hard endured our quarrels - after them, having cried heartily and repented, I felt broken for a long time, as if it was not me who beat and humiliated my husband, but they beat me with sticks.
But despite this, I could not stop. The slightest quarrel began to end with at least a resounding slap in the face. And this is in spite of my oath assurances not to dismiss the hands following each reconciliation.
For a long time I could not understand why I - a loving wife and tender mother - from time to time turn into a terrible creature, thirsty for blood. Why am I becoming a source of physical violence in my family? Why does this terrible desire arise to break and destroy everything, to beat to the blood with everything that comes to hand? Where does this bubbling hatred come from in my soul, making me literally explode?
And why my husband put up with my antics, embarrassedly laughing it off from friends admiring another bruise, I also did not understand …
It is incomprehensible - and scary. There was always a fear in my soul that one day I would cross the line - and a person who was ready to endure my cruel tantrums would simply die … After all, in our last quarrel, a heavy glass mug flew into a spray of fragments very close to his head - I miraculously, at the last moment, was able to change the trajectory of its flight. And if I couldn't?..
I understood that this was not normal - something had to be done with outbursts of rage. But I myself could not cope with them and decided to seek help from specialists. Unfortunately, they didn’t get anything from a psychologist. A nice woman, after listening to my confused story and finding out that we have sex regularly, said that the domestic disorder was to blame for everything.
"You are angry with your husband because he does not fulfill his main male role - he does not provide his family with the proper level of income …"
In the process of work, the psychologist offered me a number of auto-training exercises designed to help me cope with irritability and aggressiveness, and prescribed sedatives. And as the main recommendation, I received advice to divorce: “All the same, you won't be able to have a full-fledged family life. Think about the children - what is it like for them to watch your quarrels …"
Valuable advice … But some wrong one: in spite of everything, my husband and I love each other. And the word "family" for both of us is not an empty phrase. Is it just the lack of big earnings that leads to these terrible quarrels? It is very strange - I have never observed myself with particularly mercantile inclinations. However, sadistic too …
Help for solving the problem of physical abuse in my family was found completely unexpectedly. Listening to lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan, I absorbed word by word and made amazing discoveries that radically change my life.
Causes of domestic violence. Emotional hunger
Systems psychoanalysis helped me find accurate answers to questions that have tormented me for many years. It became clear why the relationship, so romantic at the very beginning, turned into irritation and aggression, and a happy family life began to look like gladiator fights …
Looking back, I realized that the reason for my aggressiveness was not external, but internal problems. My vector set contains cutaneous, visual, and anal vectors. Only after understanding the properties of these vectors, I was able to understand what exactly is the cause of my thirst for blood.
The shortcomings in the visual vector played a significant role. It was during this period that I changed my job as a nurse to the profession of a seller of sporting goods. I won financially, and physical activity has become much less. But oddly enough, I became much more tired …
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The work in the traumatology department can hardly be called easy. And it's not just about physical activity, although there were enough of them. This is a very difficult emotional environment. On the one hand, there is pain, blood, despair of people who are unexpectedly torn out of the cycle of ordinary life by the trauma. And what is the immense grief of people who have lost their loved ones worth? And who can tell you how to cope with the pain you experience when looking at the children who are in this department?
Sometimes it seemed that I simply could not bear such stress anymore …
On the other hand, working in traumatology, I received the brightest, strongest emotions, empathy and compassion. How can you describe that fullness of sensations when you see gratitude in the eyes of a person who has recently been bedridden, but thanks to your efforts, has risen to his feet?
How to convey that spiritual uplift that you experience from the realization that you really helped save a person's life? Is it possible to compare with anything the relief from the realization that the most terrible thing is left behind, that a person who only yesterday seemed like a plant, today, with your help, is on the mend, and the Lady in White has once again retreated …
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Now I understand - this work made it possible to fill 100% of the lack of my visual vector. Having completely emasculated the emotional amplitude at work, at home I was a calm, balanced, loving wife and caring mother. It was almost impossible to piss me off in those days …
Unfortunately, at that time I did not know the peculiarities of my mental state. Having set the wrong priorities, I changed my profession of a nurse to a profession of a salesperson. Emotionally, the new job was disappointing: how can you compare the emotions that arise during a successful sale with the emotions of a person who saves Life?
As a result - emotional buildup, which became a catalyst for the emergence of domestic violence, as well as a constant feeling of fatigue and increased irritability.
Systemic psychoanalysis helped solve this problem - realizing what exactly is the cause of the tantrums, I was able to find a way out. The realization came that the lack of a visual vector can be filled not by hysterics and scandals, but in a much more pleasant way. By showing more attention and love to my husband and receiving incredibly powerful feedback from him, I not only replenished my emotional hunger, but also helped him cope with internal problems.
In addition, looking around, I realized that my sympathy and compassion are needed not only in traumatology - there are a lot of people around who sometimes lack a simple kind word for happiness. And my skills as a nurse were in great demand. By helping others, I helped myself …
Physical violence in the family. Sexual frustration
The main factor that gave rise to aggressiveness and propensity for physical violence were my sexual frustrations that arose in the anal vector. Like any woman with an anal vector, I am endowed with a powerful libido. At the same time, for me, as for all anal people, conservatism is inherent, especially in matters relating to the intimate sphere.
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I was physically unable to discuss intimate matters with my husband, and fantasies, sometimes arising in my imagination, considered a dirty sign of my promiscuity, unacceptable in family relationships. How could I suggest my gentle, affectionate husband to have "dirty" anal sex? Or offer him a rapist and victim role-play scenario?
But it is this scenario that would help me cope with innate insecurity and reveal the full potential of my sensuality. As they say, without sin and to fill …"
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But it seemed to me that it was worth mentioning this, and my husband's attitude towards me would forever change for the worse …
As a result, for many years I considered myself frigid - after all, I did not get an orgasm, which is so vividly described in various glossy magazines … man. And in order not to disappoint my husband, who was trying with all his might to satisfy me, I imitated an orgasm, not realizing that by doing so I was causing a shortage in him.
Developed visual men are very sensitive to the emotional background of their partner. Realizing that I was not getting satisfaction, but not knowing how to fix the situation, my husband considered himself “inferior”. Against the background of his powerful anal libido, such a "skew" led to the emergence of frustrations, which the husband tried to compensate for with alcohol.
Over time, "moral satisfaction" I began to miss. Failure to understand the cause of unconscious deficiencies and the characteristics of my own sexuality led to the fact that, despite a regular sex life, I remained dissatisfied.
Outwardly, our family was an example of well-being - like all representatives of the anal vector, my husband and I not only cherished family values ourselves, but also tried not to tarnish the reputation of our family, subconsciously fearing disgrace. But deep down, I felt unhappy and “deprived”.
As any person, in my heart I justified myself and tried to find the reasons for the troubles outside - as a result, I subconsciously blamed my husband for everything, because it was “through his fault” that I did not get much pleasure. And since the modesty and conservatism inherent in the anal vector did not allow me to openly discuss problems in the intimate sphere with my husband, scandals began to arise on the basis of everyday life.
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The figure of psychological comfort for an anal person is a square. This figure, in which all the same - the sides, angles. Distortion of either side brings discomfort - only an anal person will not only notice that the picture on the wall hangs a little crookedly, but will certainly correct it.
This property manifests itself in all spheres of life - everything should be equally. If I help, it means that they should help me too, exactly to the extent that I helped. If it hurts and feels bad, it means that others should feel bad as well as me. Hence the verbal and physical sadism, mud smearing and other manifestations of frustration.
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It was the frustrations of the anal vector that underlay my aggressiveness: not receiving sexual satisfaction and experiencing discomfort because of this, I tried to "align the psychological square", delivering discomfort to my husband through physical pain. But the satisfaction received in these quarrels was short-term, scanty, like the oblivion of an alcoholic after drinking. The frustrations from this only intensified.
Domestic violence - a way out
Studying systemic vector psychology helped me to take a fresh look at all facets of our family life. It turned out that by understanding your sexual characteristics and the characteristics of your partner, you can establish harmonious relationships in your intimate life.
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Unexpectedly for myself, I found out that my husband does not need to say anything - just a slight hint. Our sex life has turned into a series of exciting experiments - and against this background, the level of trust, intimacy of relationships has increased many times over, giving rise to incredible emotions. And understanding the peculiarities of her husband's sexuality helped to pleasantly surprise him - he recently admitted that I seemed to read his thoughts …
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As a result, my relationship with my husband radically changed - instead of quarrels and irritation, mutual understanding and respect appeared, and feelings that I had long considered extinct and lost flared up with renewed vigor …
Awareness of the peculiarities of my innate properties helped me not only to get rid of irritability and aggressiveness, but also to direct the seething energy into a “peaceful channel”, allowing me to make up for the lack in the unconscious. Mastering new specialties, which I was afraid to even think about before, I learned to enjoy life in the most ambitious sense of the word.
PS There is no longer a problem of physical abuse in our family.
