The child is bullied at school. Revenge, scare or surrender?
The more successful and richer, the cooler it is, no matter what you have inside. Form has become more important than content. And in this society, we began to feel ourselves as separate individuals, not connected with each other. The slogan "every man for himself" most fully reflects what is happening …
Child being bullied at school
From year to year, teachers and psychologists draw public attention to the increase in aggressiveness and cruelty among children. Today, a child can not only offend at school, but arrange for him a real bullying.
The problem of outcasts in school is nothing new. Outcasts in collectives arose before, only the children's collective was much more humane and accommodating, and the actions of the teachers were aimed at rallying the collective and educating morality. This made it possible to solve the problem quickly. Given the priority of morality, interdependence and conciliarity, there was no room for the growth of child cruelty.
Today the situation has changed: we live in an era when a person has become less valuable than his social status and financial situation. In the skin phase of development, where we fell through with the collapse of the Union, other landmarks were formed: social and property superiority, individualism. The more successful and richer, the cooler it is, no matter what you have inside. Form has become more important than content. And we began to feel ourselves as separate units, not connected with each other. The slogan "every man for himself" most fully reflects what is happening in society.
In this article we will try to orient ourselves in the realities of our time with the help of systems thinking, which is formed at the training of Yuri Burlan "System-vector psychology".
Experience doesn't work
How does this relate to parenting? Directly. Our past educational experience does not work, because today there is a huge gap between generations of parents and children. This means that our children are more savages than, say, 20-30 years ago. And one of the reasons for this is a society that has changed and has not developed new ways of interaction, new methods of educating the younger generation.
The reality is that society is dying from collective frustrations and hostility. Children amaze us not only with their talents and ingenuity, but also with their inadequacy, excitability, audacity, cruelty. We, parents, understand that something is wrong with our children, but we do not know how to approach the solution of the problem.
When a child is offended at school, parents are in a very aggressive mood to "sort things out" with teachers, frightening them with the RONO and the prosecutor's office. At the same time, they forget to understand their own child and find out what would help him adapt in the children's team. And how to help someone who constantly offend children to improve, how to guide him along the right path …
An even crazier act of outcast parents is to deal with their child abusers on their own. Methods of such showdowns are known: take "by the scruff", scare, yell, or even beat. Here on one forum a parent shared his "experience":
And this is how adults decide questions, what to say about children who are still developing?
Parents blame school teachers for indifference, and parent teachers - for improper upbringing of children, or even worse - explain the behavior of the offended child with the phrase "he is to blame." As a result, the problem is not solved by any responsible adult, and tension and resentment grow. With such connivance of adults, there is no reason to expect visible changes in the behavior of children.
The child is beaten at school. School flock
School is the place where our children go through the main process of socialization and culturing. Children are animals, they are born with a certain set of desires and properties that need development. Therefore, there is nothing surprising in the fact that children do not behave like angels at all.
As explained in the training "System-vector psychology", at school, as if in a primitive flock, the ranking of a little person in a team takes place. Ranking is a kind of defending your own place in the team. To prove their rank or increase it, any methods available to children are used - hitting, pushing, biting. But this is until acceptable cultural ways of interaction are developed, which happens under the influence of parents and teachers.
In any pack there is a leader or leader, and the school team is no exception. In many ways, the rules in force in the class depend on who is the leader in the class. And it will already depend on these rules whether the child “corresponds or not” to this group. Tough, huh? But remember yourself at school: how scary it was to be a black sheep, how they tried to imitate more "advanced" children in clothes, in purchased things.
If there is a child in the class with an urethral vector - a leader by nature, then the team will be more open and less demanding of comrades in terms of strict compliance with someone's will. Children will listen to the urethral ringleader Vasya, unconsciously submitting to his magnetism. After all, the urethral is an innate justice, return on shortages to all members of the pack, which means that even the weak, not like everyone experiencing problems with adaptation in the team, will be under its protection.
When there is no urethral leader in the classroom, his place is taken by a child with a skin vector - the future organizer, leader and manager (if he develops) who "plays his violin." And then the situation in the classroom depends on who he is, this leader - a properly developing child or one who shows his undeveloped properties. This leader, by his behavior, will set the direction of development for the entire team, so much so that the teacher cannot do anything.
If the class leader is a poor student, then your golden child, an excellent student, will clearly not be stroked on the head. On the contrary, they will want to teach the "abstruse nerd" a lesson, will do dirty tricks or openly harm. So now to submit to a Losers? In no case! You need to understand the classroom environment, the position of the teacher and your child, his needs and risks for him from such a situation and make the right decision.
The child is bullied at school. Harassment of excellent students
The most obedient, neat, and obedient are children with anal and visual vectors. Curious, open-minded children, excellent students and medalists, they like to learn. It is they who become the object of persecution if they find themselves in a class with a “wrong” ignorant leader - a skin breaker of calmness and academic performance.
Everyone will study mediocre in such a class so as not to stick out, and if there are 1-2 excellent students, then all the anger and envy will go to them - the naturally golden children. Classmates call them nerds, nerds, cramps, throw objects, rubbish at them, tear their notebooks.
Often, a child with a visual vector cannot fight back the offenders. He is naturally gentle and kind, trusting and has no desire to go into conflict. He has difficulty defending and defending himself. In such a situation, the child's state of fear and unwillingness to go to school are aggravated. A quiet and modest child with an anal vector will endure for a long time, but inside he will grow a huge resentment and a complex of self-doubt.
Such children definitely need to learn to defend themselves in a team verbally, because the transition to home schooling is not an option, but rather to harm. They need to learn to communicate independently with their peers, overcoming fear and uncertainty to say something wrong.
Usually, parents are advised to teach such a child to stand up for himself with his fists - to enroll him in karate or in another wrestling section. But it is for the anal-visual child that this step will be a huge disadvantage, because wrestling breaks his natural gullibility, teaches hostility and violence, and does not develop his properties - sensitivity, kindness, empathy.
What about a parent? Children can and should be brought into sports, but not so that they learn to attack offenders. The child needs to be given the right guidance. Sports, such as swimming, can help as a way of self-organization so that the child gains self-respect, hardens the spirit and gets rid of the psychology of the victim.
The main thing that needs to be done is to observe the collective: how the children behave, who is the leader, how they treat the excellent students. If you already constantly hear from a child complaints that he is being offended at school, if his academic performance has decreased, if the teacher does not respond and does not intervene in this problem, it is imperative to transfer the child to a healthier team. With this step, you will save the child's psyche from trauma and complexes, which he will certainly grow inside himself and pull into adulthood.
The child is bullied at school. "Friendship" against the weakest
This situation can arise with a skin-visual boy. This is a special boy, delicate, gentle, emotional, not like others, often reminiscent of girls in his behavior. A boy who, unlike other men, is absolutely incapable of murder. That is, not a breadwinner, the only one who has not yet developed his specific role in the team.
The reason for the bullying of such a boy by children is hidden in our collective unconscious. The fact is that in pre-cultural times, skin-visual boys (being useless for the collective) were ritually eaten by a flock at a common table - in this way, early people removed their hostility to their neighbors, otherwise they would have killed each other (there was such a stage in the formation of humanity).
When the cultural restrictions on cannibalism came into force, the skin-visual boys began to survive, but died early due to weakness, inability to protect themselves. They did not develop a specific role, because they did not go to war, like other men. Their psychology is only now beginning to develop; after the Second World War, more and more of these boys began to appear. We see them as models, excellent dancers, singers, actors - in the same guises where skin-visual women excelled.
The reason for the persecution of the skin-visual boy is that he is unconsciously defined as the weakest, frail - the one who was once eaten at a common primitive table. He does not have his role in the pack, he does not rank. Everyone feels it. That is why undeveloped children, in fact little savages, with pleasure and "amicably" the whole class can make a victim of him, especially if he is afraid.
The very behavior of the skin-visual boy provokes other ranked boys to persecute. After all, he is affectionate, non-conflict, tearful, weak, he will not climb to fight. Very emotional, looking for contact with other children. When he is repulsed, he is not offended, he is easy-going, quickly forgets the bad and goes back to his offenders. While experiencing fear - his main emotion, he thereby attracts offenders and becomes their victim. Such children are humiliated, beaten, ridiculed of their "girlish" appearance, and forced to do humiliating things.
What is the way out then? Don't try to make your son fit the standard of masculinity! The wrestling section will give him nothing. He, of course, will learn all the tricks and will be great to wave his arms and legs, but he will not be able to hit the offender or beat him. It's not in his nature to beat (kill). This is a boy with a different task from nature - to become a conductor of another culture, which no longer protects the physical body, but the mental. That is, to develop tolerance and humanism towards people. For this to happen, we all need to understand our nature and the measure of its difference from others, not to crush with our hostility a skin-visual boy who is different from us, our animal nature.
There is only one way to save your skin-visual child - to give him such a development that his innate fear of death (fear of being eaten by a cannibal) turns into a return of emotions outward. That is, to develop the child's emotional sphere, to create situations in which he would learn to express his feelings of empathy and compassion to other people. Teach him to play the guitar - this will give him a huge advantage among his peers, make him “his” in any company.
And of course, the main work should be done by the teacher, placing the correct guidelines in the minds and hearts of children. Only through the joint efforts of teachers and parents can this situation be changed.
The child is bullied at school. The Quiet Man's Suffering
From this description of the problem, it is systemically clear that the child has a sound vector. Children with a sound vector are quiet, thoughtful, somewhat detached from what is happening around. They just find it most difficult to adapt the noisy screaming group of classmates. When all the children run and jump at recess, the sound engineer sits quietly on the sidelines - he reads or writes something of his own, just thinks.
In the lesson, he often does not hear the teacher's question, as he is immersed in himself, often delays in answering, before that he asks: "Huh?", "What?", "Me?" Because of these features, other children consider him a brake, a strange type, not like everyone else. Skin teachers (they themselves are quick to make decisions and mobile) can generally say that a child is lagging behind in development, call him unteachable. But this is not at all the case, the sound engineer has the most powerful intellect! Simply due to innate characteristics, he is focused on his states and thoughts, and he needs more time than others to get out to people from his “house” and give an adequate answer.
A strange weirdo who does not enter into fights and games with everyone, or a weirdo who writes poetry and hovers in an unknown place, cause misunderstanding among children. After all, everyone wants to be like everyone else, and this strange type sits separately from everyone and does not play, a black sheep in the class. This becomes the reason for the persecution of "not like everyone else." They laugh at them, make trips, spit on things, push, hang offensive nicknames - all this in order to get emotions out of the self-contained sound person. As soon as he shows his despair, fear and misunderstanding of the situation, the persecution will go with a vengeance.
If you do not react, then soon the crowd will not be interested in "having fun" with an emotionless eccentric. Of course, it's not worth waiting for this to happen. It is necessary to help the child - the owner of the sound vector to communicate with peers, because for him this is the difficulty. But if such a child develops correctly, then he is able to make contact, and in the end the team accepts him. At least, he is no longer poisoned, but his loneliness and "cleverness" are accepted. After all, the sound engineer does not conflict, he does not create competition for anyone, he is busy with his ideas and thoughts, and he does not care at all about intrigues and fights in the classroom. And they forget about him over time. However, the parent's task is not to make his aspirations come true and everyone is behind his child, but to help the sound engineer adapt the screaming collective.
What can adults do in this case? First of all, the parents of a child with a sound vector need to find out why he is unable to communicate with classmates. What is important is your behavior towards the child. Are you shouting at him? Maybe you make you think faster? Is the house too noisy for the child to concentrate? Because of this, he more often closes in on his states, he is comfortable alone, people interfere with him, so he loses the desire to communicate, does not see the point in this.
In such a situation, the teacher could also help the child to come out of his shell with a sound vector. Alternatively, instruct him to study some interesting topic and make a report to the children, so that later the whole class can be involved in an interesting discussion.
If bullying has gone very far - the child has constant stress at school, as in the case described above, then it is definitely necessary to change the school so as not to injure the child further. In a new team, he can develop quite friendly relations if the team has a different climate, a different leader and teacher who actively delves into the problems of the class and students. And it is imperative to provide the correct sound education, to develop the properties of the sound vector in the child - to give food for the mind, call for a conversation, encourage an independent search for a solution to the problem.
A child with a sound vector, growing up in a comfortable environment for him (silence and lack of screaming), is much less vulnerable, a noisy children's team adapts more easily. Do not allow to be locked in their states (not to be confused with the need for a child to be in silence and loneliness). You can learn about how to develop and educate a little sound engineer at the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan.
The child is bullied at school. Teachers and parents don't be indifferent
There is a widespread belief that children must resolve the conflict among themselves, but it is wrong! After all, child cruelty has no boundaries! Children in their bullying can go too far, for the victim of bullying there is a risk of loss of health and psychological trauma for life. Only the attention of adults to the problem of the child who is offended at school, support, faith in his strength and, most importantly, KNOWLEDGE of his natural properties will help to resolve a difficult situation.
Often, advice for the parents of a child who is being offended boils down to enrolling the child in a section, teaching him to give back, or making sure that the child does not feel defective in terms of appearance. It is advisable to buy him fashionable clothes so that he does not stand out in the team as a "backward ugly duckling", but is about like everyone else.
They also recommend eliminating physical disabilities that serve as a reason for ridicule. This makes sense, of course, but you should be aware that the emphasis on looks and clothing is secondary. It is much more important to help the child to reveal his personality and adapt reality with the help of innate properties.
The persecution is prompted by psychological reasons that are hidden in the unconscious of the offender and outcast, but they mistakenly find a rational explanation for some external factor.
It is also true that a child can look perfect, be cute, but be the target of the worst bullying of children. After all, cultural limitation is no longer able to keep the hostility (envy, anger, irritation) that children experience in puberty due to the insufficient degree of development and realization of their innate properties. Moreover, society, the family shows them contradictory things: they teach one thing, but in fact the child sees the hostile attitude of adults towards each other, their violent methods of clarifying the relationship.
A parent of a child who is being bullied at school should never let go of the brakes and expect that "the pranks of the ill-mannered will outgrow." You must find your solution to the problem. At the very least, learn why your child is being bullied and how to help him cope with it.
Parents of an abusive child should consider what drives him to commit violent acts? What will grow out of it if you don't take action today? How to correct the child's behavior?
Showdown between the parents and the transfer of arrows from one parent to another does not solve the problem. Think and ask yourself who your children are growing up, how to help them. Until puberty, that is, at school age, all properties are developing, a certain scenario is laid that the child will act out in adulthood. The whole future life depends on adaptation in the school collective and protection, support of parents, their efforts invested in the development of a child.
The teachers have a huge responsibility for the education of the children's collective. After all, it is they who can make it easier for children to adapt in a team, give a good start to the development of moral feelings. Or they can let the problematic situation take its course and create the basis for the consolidation of the worst traits in abusive children, in the worst case, contribute to trauma to the psyche and health of the child who is being bullied.
Unique information about the psychology of children and methods of upbringing in accordance with their natural characteristics can be found already at the free online lectures of the training of Yuri Burlan. The correct development of the child is one of the most important factors in helping to avoid bullying in the children's collective, on the one hand, and the prevention of cruel behavior in children, on the other.
