The husband is cheating. What should I do?
Sometimes, when we need advice, support or help, we go to close friends, sisters, parents, or even a psychologist. It gets easier. Part of the load is removed, and it seems that it does not hurt so much, and it seems that there is a way out. But which way out?
When I found out that my husband was cheating on me … it is difficult to describe my condition in words. It's like an earthquake. It's just that the ground is slipping from under our feet The world that was built between us, which served as a support for me, a source of energy, an outlet, a safe harbor, is crumbling. Now he's gone. I'm alone. All alone in the whole world. Yes, there are children, parents, relatives, friends, acquaintances, colleagues. There are tons of people around, but I feel more alone than ever.
Everything that was between us turned out to be an illusion. Confessions, promises, plans for the future … what plans, what future?.. He is not.
How to live on now?
I need time to think.
I need strength to decide.
Cheating on a loved one is a terrible blow for a woman. Especially if for her the family was a stronghold of female happiness, if she believed her partner unconditionally, if she gave all of herself to the relationship.
When the fact of betrayal comes up, experiences replace each other so quickly that it is not possible to sit down and think calmly.
Shock. Doubt. Surprise. Disappointment. Disturbance. Anger. Resentment. Disgust. Indifference. And the pain …
After a while, the pain dulls, but still does not let go. Life goes on, so you have to think about what to do, makes you still make a decision.
Let everything be as before
Having succumbed to emotions, we often throw up a loud scandal with the exposure of the culprit, tears, screams and a petition for divorce. Such a violent reaction is characteristic of emotional women - the owners of the visual vector.
A broken heart hurts. No excuses of the partner are taken into account, no arguments for maintaining the relationship are perceived, no one thinks about any reasons for what happened.
When the first shock has passed, you can try to forget everything, pretend that nothing happened, and live on, maintaining the illusion of a normal union.
Yes, this is a common scenario. Especially when the husband does not intend to change anything in his life, he is satisfied with the current state of affairs. In addition, no one wants to share common housing, property, injure children and destroy an established life.
Why not? The family is saved. Perhaps, over time, the husband will "walk up" and take up his mind. If it is not serious for him, but just another affair, maybe it is not worth attaching special importance to this and cutting off the shoulder?
Many couples live like this for years. Many, but not all. There are women whose memory will not allow to take and delete any event from life. It is this memory that becomes the source of suffering. And the inner sense of justice will remain skewed towards scarcity, because she was betrayed, humiliated, insulted, soiled. The resentment born will not disappear over the years, it will only grow, erecting a wall between partners. These are the features of the human psyche with an anal vector.
Each disagreement, fleeting argument and misunderstanding in a split second triggers memories of the pain inflicted, and the old resentment reappears, now with greater force.
The further we drive the negative state deep into ourselves, the more destruction it inflicts on us. Permanent residence of resentment significantly reduces the quality of life of any person, limiting his opportunities in any area. Resentment is a rather energetic sensation. It takes up its share of memory, it pulls off part of the emotions, contributes to the fact that a person again and again slides into the negative of the past. And most importantly, resentment has the ability to increase over time. It is impossible to truly feel happy while keeping a grudge in your soul. Sooner or later she will "shoot" a big problem.
Resentment is a subconscious sensation, so it will not work with just an effort of will. You can deal with the unconscious motives of your behavior and regain your inner balance. This requires knowledge of system-vector psychology, which can be obtained already at the free online trainings of Yuri Burlan.
The hardest path
When the first flurry of emotions raged and the understanding came that we will have to make a decision for the further path, in most cases we women make this decision alone. Sometimes, when we need advice, support or help, we go to close friends, sisters, parents, or even a psychologist. It gets easier. Part of the load is removed, and it seems that it does not hurt so much, and it seems that there is a way out. But which way out? It's actually just relief, stress relief. Having talked out, sharing emotions with others, we simply relieve the pain for a while, but we do not solve the problem.
What do we really want after going through a betrayal? Revenge, oblivion, new love, new life from scratch, again feel happiness together … with her husband, with another man? How can this be achieved? How to improve your life after shocks? Which path to take, standing on the ruins of a relationship?
The difficult, but most effective way is to sit down at the negotiating table and TOGETHER decide how to live. With a partner. Understand what is left of the marriage, why it happened, whether it is worth saving and what efforts everyone is ready to put into it. In a relationship between two, there is no place for a third, otherwise it is not a choice of partners, but an opinion from the outside.
Frankly talk about what united you, what attracted you to each other, revive common memories that both like, relive the feelings that were once, try to feel what the other felt when the relationship began to deteriorate, why did this happen …
The main thing is not to slip into a showdown in the format of mutual accusations in the process of a calm conversation. The future is at stake. The future of two people, if not more. And here resentment is the biggest enemy. Today you are not looking for justice - today you decide how you will live on. That concentration, which is directed at another person, allows you to see the situation through his eyes, and therefore, to live his feelings.
Further, it will become clear how serious the intentions of a man and a woman are to keep the marriage or part.
The conversation that took place does not guarantee that the marriage will be preserved, but it gives hope. The hope that, if it can be preserved, such a sincere conversation will be the first step towards each other. Recognizing your feelings and understanding the feelings of the other, the desire and ability to put yourself in the shoes of your partner will help you make the right decision regarding a common future.
This option does not guarantee that, having made the decision to disperse, each of you will find your happiness with another person, but he, again, gives hope. The hope that you will break up as friends, and that the mistakes made will not be repeated in a new relationship. The reasons for what happened will be revealed, everyone will draw their own conclusions WITHOUT unnecessary emotions, admit part of their guilt and understand that the catastrophe could not happen in one day, and the crack has lasted a long time ago.
Whatever decision was made at the last or first family council, that frank conversation, started with a clear intention to understand the other, and not throw out your own pain, is simply bound to lead to changes for the better. Or within a couple to preserve, reload, mend and strengthen existing relationships. Or in each separately, in order to calmly complete an outdated union, to realize and work on mistakes and remain open and ready to build new relationships.
What it takes to talk
The choice of the strong requires new knowledge - a clear knowledge of the psychology of a modern person in order to understand a lot. To understand what each of us expects from a partner, how a man and a woman see a paired union, what is the essence of his and her sexuality, to understand the laws by which relationships develop or collapse naturally.
Today we have become too complex to live and build relationships blindly. We need to understand each other. To understand more than words say, to realize deeper than feelings hint, to see farther than the intellect allows.
It is simply necessary to be psychologically savvy these days in order not to make the same mistakes all your life, so as not to become hostage to a negative life scenario due to childhood "anchors" or psychotraumas, in order to consciously choose a partner and purposefully build long-term pair relationships.
The training "System-vector psychology" provides such knowledge. Comprehensive information about the mechanisms of the human psyche.
Yes, it may seem to you that at the moment you are not up to studying. But you perfectly understand that any life catastrophe is a challenge. And to get up after such a blow, you need support. At the training you will find the answer why this happened, learn why you feel so bad and what can be done to alleviate your condition. Learn how to deal with resentment so that it doesn't become a heavy cross in your life. Learn to build relationships in such a way that the thought of cheating on either side does not have a chance to come to mind.
Here's what the trainees said:
Cheating is a strong blow, which is very difficult to survive. This is a test that can cripple your whole life or give strength to rise and start a new life. Which one depends only on you. Every woman is actually stronger than she thinks. And it only depends on her whether to forgive her husband and start building relationships anew or let go of the past and approach the choice of a partner consciously.