Looking for an answer. If you're at the bottom there is a good sign
All my life I've been asking myself: why do I live? It's not just interest. It's not even a question, it's a necessity. The need to explain to yourself and others what the meaning of this life is. This is what makes up a part of my life and seems to come first. Why? Probably because until I find an answer to this question, I don't want anything else.
All my life I've been asking myself: why do I live? It's not just interest. It's not even a question, it's a necessity. The need to explain to yourself and others what the meaning of this life is. This is what makes up a part of me and seems to come first. Why? Probably because until I find the answer to this question, I don't want anything else. In the literal sense, there is no strength and desire to do anything. All my life I feel the need to think about why … Why did it happen, why did I do it or why others do this … What motivates people? Why am I suffering or why is it so good at heart? And why, by the way, do not others think about it? Well, I'm good - well, great, and if it's bad - well, what can you do? “Life is like that” - this is how you can answer the question about the meaning of life. Such an explanation has never been enough for me.
As a child, I, like all children, loved to play, run, and was restless. But, starting from a certain age, I became very silent. This was expressed in the fact that I did not speak to strangers at all. I considered outsiders all adults, except for my close relatives and individuals whom I trusted. There were no such problems with friends, at the same time, relationships with peers could hardly be called ideal. I didn’t go to kindergarten, so I talked mostly with the guys in the yard, and even then not often. This is not to say that I talked a lot. In general, I liked to be alone with myself more. I could think, think about God. Often left alone, I felt anxious and tried to address him personally, as if he could hear me. I asked him not to be left alone. It seemed to me then that he did not hear me, or rather, he did not listen.
I loved looking at the clouds. "Mom, I wish I could be there in the sky!" My words shocked my mother: “What are you talking about? How is it in the sky ?! " And I just enjoyed the beauty of the clouds, and, of course, imagined how great it would be to fly there. Or unnatural … Then I realized that my mother has a slightly different idea of happiness, and, probably, for the first time I realized that people can understand everything in different ways. Then it was clear that my mother was scared, thinking that I mean death or something like that. I never said that again.
And I was talking about something else. Rather, he asked: why is that, and why is this? Where did the universe come from? And what will happen after death? Why was I born this way and not someone else? Why do I see the world from myself and not from another person? How does another person see the world? Does the world exist only in me? These strange questions haunted me. I tried to imagine the infinity of the universe that I was told about. For hours at night I could listen to my dad's stories about the stars, the universe, physics and mathematics, and my mother's reading science fiction stories. At school, the books on astronomy were the most interesting.
The only thing that was difficult for me was withstanding the screams and scandals of my parents. I was very worried about this. I was very afraid that I would be left alone. It also happened that they yelled at me. As it usually happens, they shouted for the cause. However, I was of a different opinion. It was terribly offensive. Well, how is that ?! Well for what? I didn't want anything like that, nothing bad! How can they do this to me ?! It seemed to me that it was unfair. No intrigues of peers or strangers did not cause such offense. After a while, we made peace, and everything was somehow forgotten. Sometimes, for no reason at all, one of the parents broke down again. There were shouts, curses, accusations.
At night, when the shadows on the wallpaper took on strange shapes, coming to life, it was scary. I slept with a toy dog, which naturally was alive to me. I talked to her, took care of her. It was not scary together. When I was tormented by nightmares, I came to my mother. She was always there if I felt bad. Sometimes there were seizures when it was difficult to breathe. But my parents always calmed me down, and it became easier. I also often dreamed of becoming a superhero, helping people. Then, too, it was not scary.
I went to school with caution - it was unusual to be alone. But I got used to it very quickly. Relations with classmates were good. I studied well too, especially in mathematics and Russian. I liked to read, but for some reason I read very little. I could not finish reading the book to the end, I was lazy. During the lessons, I often looked out the window, dreamed of something. In the morning it was very difficult to always get up, reluctantly. At the same time, at night I always seemed to be active. I lay in bed and meditated to the music in the player. By the way, he could listen to her until morning, without stopping. However, like reading books.
I studied well until the 7th grade, but then problems began to appear. I began to oversleep school, skip. Before that, my mother had been in the hospital, and I was often left alone. Grades in school declined, as did the desire to learn. Relations with classmates deteriorated sharply. Very unexpectedly, I became a class outcast. In the 8th grade, he was hospitalized with gastritis, having dropped out of school life for a month. It was very difficult to return. All the time I felt some kind of anxiety and anxiety.
Thanks to my father's efforts, and he always instilled in me an interest in the exact sciences, physics and mathematics became interesting to me. The rest of the subjects were uninteresting. In high school, the effort went away, I began to do only what was interesting. In addition to the exact sciences, ideas about a just structure of society were interesting. Apparently, I felt my life was very unfair. But then it seemed to me that the whole world is unfair, and it is necessary to correct it somehow. I was carried away by the ideas of Marxism, Eastern philosophy, became interested in politics. People were divided into "white" and "red". There was a certain arrogance, arrogance, they say, I understand how everything should be, and you … eh, what to take from you! Over time, I began to understand that not everything is so simple, that there are no so much right and wrong. And again the questions - why?
By the 10-11th grade, the situation gradually leveled off, relations with classmates improved. True, now, with all the outward well-being, I have become an outcast of my own free will, I have become in opposition to the class. Well, how else could you express your arrogance and rejection of the relationships that reigned in the classroom? I participated in the events, but mentally I was always separate.
Then I thought about going to college. I wanted to do science. Well, in the sense of being a scientist, inventing something. What? I didn't understand then. Mom wanted to be an officer, like dad. Dad understood long ago which officer I was, so he advised me to be an engineer. Then I thought: “yes, probably, in the end, I will be a good engineer as an engineer,” although I really wanted to do science. The fact that the profession of an engineer is absolutely not interesting to me, I realized after two years of university. I decided to finish anyway: not to quit what I started. So I studied - through a stump-deck, graduating from the university far from with honors.
I got a job in my specialty. I had to support myself and help my parents. Only from the first days it somehow did not work out. It was interesting at first, but very soon I got tired. I started to work because I have to, not because I want to. In the mornings - the same laziness, only much stronger. Depression began to roll over. Suddenly and for no reason, the desire to do anything disappeared. Nothing seemed interesting. How? A second ago it was so important, but now it costs nothing - this is how I felt it and did not know what to do with it. The depression subsided and the feeling of life returned. It was as if a toggle switch would switch, and the colors became bright again, dreams and desires returned. But this feeling was not constant. Sooner or later, the depression returned again, but with greater force. It was reflected in everything I did: at work,in relationships with loved ones.
I found an outlet in music. I constantly listened to her: at home, at work, on the street, in transport. Back in school, I started listening to electronic, then rock compositions. It seemed that it was unbearable without music. When I listened to my favorite songs, it became easier. You could disconnect from the outside world, from noises, from conversations, from people and be left alone with your thoughts. Think about life, about its meaning. Images and thoughts were born through the words of the poets. This could go on for hours until I was physically tired. I was tired to the point that I fell into bed. But mentally I was not tired. On the contrary, I wanted to think more. It was like filling a bottomless abyss.
It's the same with sleep. No matter how much I slept, and could sleep 16 hours a day, completely losing the difference between day and night, I did not get enough sleep. I got up with a feeling of weakness and powerlessness. And at night - on the contrary: insomnia, some kind of increased activity. They all lay down, yeah! So you can work. Oh yes! There were also headaches, terrible to the point of impossibility to do anything. It even happened that I fell asleep with a headache and woke up with it. I always listened to music at the highest possible volume. In headphones - at maximum. Including heavy music. I understood that this was wrong. Ears ached, eardrums were tired, nothing could be heard around, but without this it probably became even worse.
Worse, because other ways to fight depression didn't work very well. Reading helped, but for a while. Classes on musical instruments were also very pleasant and brought a lot of pleasure. I could play for hours. But sooner or later the question arose anyway: “Why? Why all this? Why am I doing this? Why was I born? It's not just that. Why can't I be realized like others? Why am I experiencing such states? After all, in fact, in a state of depression, I physically did not want anything: neither eat, nor sleep, nor play - nothing. Only one thing remained: to think! Thinking, why do I need all this and why it happened? And find answers. Where? It doesn't matter: philosophy, history, psychology, religion, spiritual practices, meditation, poetry, literature, science. Of course, all these areas of knowledge provided answers, but the main thing that worried me was the lack of joy. Temporary delight from understanding some things was replaced by a state of complete darkness and darkness.
I became very annoyed with people. Again, this was conditional. If it was good, people were happy. If it was depressing, then any person could become the object of my hatred. In transport, when they interfered with the passage, when touched, they made a remark. The feeling of being separate, elevated, gave my actions an antisocial character. At work, sitting with headphones on, I noticed little around me, "consciously" I did not follow my appearance, as if trying to "stand out from the gray mass."
It was especially difficult to communicate with parents. It seemed to me that they did not understand me at all. But in fact, I did not understand them. "What annoys them all the time in me, that they won't let me live?" I thought. I was annoyed by my father's grumpiness, constant demands, screams, nagging, my mother's constant concern. What to do with all this, I did not know. My relationship with a girl was constantly clouded by my withdrawal, sad thoughts, lack of desire to work, etc. I understood that this was all wrong, but what to do was absolutely incomprehensible.
Gradually the withdrawal into oneself intensified. The physical condition was disgusting. Weakness, drowsiness, lethargy. I could suddenly stop talking because I didn't feel like it. The surrounding people were understandably indignant about this. I wanted to fix this. But how, I did not know. Over time, I began to notice that nothing was helping. I wanted to understand what was happening, to understand people, to understand myself, to help people, to change the world for the better, to create something. Did not work. The total difference of points of view, people, views, advice, examples did not fit in my head. It was clear that people are different and that everyone had problems in life. And people are not at all responsible for all external circumstances. All were once children. But how to fix it? There were no answers. "Why am I then?" - that was the next thought. Well, what could have happened next, one can only guess …
A light in the end of a tunnel
If you are at the bottom - there is a good sign in this, It
means that you deserve to know the depth, It
means that you already have a way back
And there is strength to go to the wave.
Taras Poplar
I want to tell those who have ever experienced such states that there is a way out of this all. And the fact that these states are incredibly difficult means only that behind them lies the same rise. This take-off for me was the System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan. There, where every day is amazing and full of meaning. Where can you say: I'm a happy person! I am glad of this life, my destiny, grateful to people and everything that happened to me. Where you can smile at your surroundings, do good deeds, help those who are worse off, not pass by someone else's trouble. Where can one say with certainty: but God still exists! Where anyone can rejoice. Where can you go to your dream.
You know, there is such an eastern wisdom: they don't come to the teacher, they crawl to him. It was in this state of complete despair that I met Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology. I perfectly remember my inner feeling of not knowing what to do next. Quite by accident, I came across an article on the network "About depression and its causes." Literally from the very first lines, I began to recognize exactly the described conditions for which I complained. The article did not just reflect the external picture of depression, it described internal experiences, thoughts that I also carried in me. Moreover, the picture was very complete, clear, explaining the causes of depression. It was a shock. How? How do they know? It's all about me! The article gave hope that everything can be fixed. I immediately wanted to tell my relatives about it. They did not understand this. But that didn't matter. The main thing is that now I understand them and do not feel irritated towards them.
Take responsibility
After a while, I went to free classes, which are conducted by the team of the portal System-Vector Psychology Yuri Burlan. The result was amazing! In a couple of classes, the grievances that for a long time did not allow me to live normally and communicate with people were gone. First of all, the grievances against the parents were gone. Why do I say: gone? I sat and listened as Yuri talks about people with different vectors, about their relationships. And then all of a sudden, tears flowed by themselves. You know, it happens that a person cries not out of pain, not out of sympathy, not out of joy, but out of a feeling that is even difficult to describe - from relief, probably. As if a multi-pound load, which had been pressing on the shoulders for a long time, can now be dropped as unnecessary. And it turns out that you yourself put it on your shoulders and all the time put stones of resentment there, making it harder and harder. And no one benefits from this load, only inconvenience and bewilderment: here's an eccentric, and what the hell does he need ?! And the eccentric carries it and hates everyone because he created suffering for himself.
Together with tears, I recalled life events, different people, childhood, childhood of parents. Everything became much clearer. For the first time, it became clear not only that they all had a difficult fate and their own problems, but why it was that way and not otherwise. Why did my dad, for example, have such a relationship with his parents, and how it affected his life. Why does he sometimes break down on loved ones, why he often criticizes, raising his voice, or why modern society does not accept everything. Why does my mother all her life suffer from irresistible melancholy and, more and more often, prolonged depression, which inevitably ends in a hospital bed each time? Why is it so difficult for her to let me go from herself, why is she afraid to be alone. Why does she sometimes glow with happiness, being in euphoria, then gradually dies out and nothing pleases her. Why is she so sensitive to noise. I realized that her condition was many times more severe than mine was.
Now I can say that I fully realized that the responsibility for my life has always rested only on me, and not on my parents, who tried to raise me as best they could, not on the teachers, or on anyone else but me. Nothing happens just like that, everything has its own meaning. Yes, relationships with parents were not always developed in childhood. But what a demand from them - they did not know how to do it right, and wished me only the best. And they too had their own childhood, filled with their own grievances, traumas and misfortunes. If I had not experienced everything that happened to me, I would probably never have thought about the eternal questions of the need to understand other people, that everyone needs their happiness. It became possible for me to say goodbye to grievances and feel instead of them a feeling of gratitude to parents, God, people for everything thanks to the System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan.
Hear others
Convinced that this technique can help people, I went to full training. As it passed, the most difficult conditions began to change to the opposite. In the hopeless depression, glimpses of understanding began to appear. This was exactly what I was missing. Understanding what is happening around. The picture slowly took shape and the irritation went away. The result was noticeable almost immediately. It became pleasant to communicate with people, to accept them sincerely and openly for who they are. At work, it became easier to interact with colleagues. I stopped responding to conflict situations with retaliatory aggression, began to listen to people. I realized that the cause of all my troubles is only in me.
As for the music, everything has changed here too. More and more I want to listen to classical music. The desire for heavy, oppressive, depressive music, which does not allow concentration of thought, disappeared. Headphones are no longer my life companions. Now I use them only when necessary, half-ear and at a moderate volume. Now I listen to people around, I want to do it and it is pleasant. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan allowed me to “turn my face” to people.
At some point, I noticed that the depression was gone completely. I forgot what depression is. Of course, I can always bring myself to the same state. By my own idleness and laziness, but now I realize what I am doing. There is no more desire to feel sorry for yourself and to justify your inaction. Depression was replaced by the process of cognition, going out - to people, with their problems and their world. And this is happiness! The one that I wanted. This is not a deaf, dark emptiness, but the "sparks" of other people, illuminating the path, figuratively speaking.
Some chronic ailments also disappeared unexpectedly and imperceptibly. For example, a headache. Once, after the training, I noticed that she had simply been gone for a long time. But before that she tortured me regularly and often. Especially after a long sleep, in the morning. Some other problems were also gone. I will not go into detail, just say that it was unexpected and imperceptible. The general condition improved, strength, activity appeared, it became easier to work. There was no such goal when I went to the training, but there are results. It's amazing!
After completing the training, poems began to turn out. Loudly said, of course, so-so verses, but before that they were not at all. This means that the training allows you to reveal yourself, to slightly open the veil of secrets about the structure of the world. Well, or at least have a fulcrum. Indeed, many phenomena in history, in modern society began to be understood for me in a completely different way, in a good sense. An interest arose in those points of view, views on events, opinions of other people, which before that I did not want to hear at all. The process of cognition has turned into an exciting journey, where there is also some socially important goal.
For a long time before the training I was tormented by questions: what is my purpose? How to choose a profession? Now it became clear why I do not like my current job and what kind of work I need. I began to take certain steps towards what I wanted, and it turned out that this really brings me happiness. Before the training, I thought a lot about becoming a volunteer. I understood how it was needed. After the training, I decided to take this step. Now I know I was not wrong. During the training, it became clear to me why I had fears as a child. I understood what the changes in my mood are connected with from depression to euphoria and how I can direct my efforts in a good direction.
Now in society there is a huge number of socially unprotected categories of people. These are orphans, homeless children, disabled children, cancer patients, children from orphanages, difficult teenagers. With the help of Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology, I understood how to help such people, how to change the current situation for the better. And this is very important to me, more important than my personal results.
Take a step out and see the beauty of the world!
You, stepping on the throat of narcissism, Leveling yourself with the last villain before God, Saw, at last, that the hedge is phantom, And ran laughing, understanding the direction.
Ilya Knabenhof
After getting acquainted with the System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan, there was a feeling that the light had turned on and everything that had been hidden by darkness before became visible. The world was painted in a thousand shades. It is as if you are leaving a dark room right into the street, where the night city is illuminated by millions of lanterns. And you see a lot of people - real, special, different, unique, happy and not so much. Now you can see them. Not through the dim window of the room of your consciousness, in which there was often only your reflection. You see them as they are, or could be, or can be. And when they see you, they smile or are surprised, but in any case do not remain indifferent. You can walk up, talk to them and hear them, not your echo. You may notice a fallen person who is unable to stand up. And you can help him when others pass by. Not because they don't want to, but because they don't see. And you have such an opportunity, now you have a big responsibility, for everyone. Because everyone is different, everyone may have different desires, but we are all united by a common desire - to be happy. And this happiness can only be shared when our efforts are directed towards the common good.
I wrote that I always experienced some kind of problems in communicating with people. Now I can say that the process of communication brings pleasure from the fact that I can hear not only myself, I can understand another person. I can put myself in his place, at least to some extent. Stop advising what he needs, but find out what he really needs by listening to him, hearing him. Now you can accept as it is the desires of another person, even if they are opposite to mine, without resentment and trying to persuade me.
After the training, I began to see beauty where I had not noticed before. The world is diverse and generally very fair. After all, everyone is doomed to individuality, uniqueness, to their own vision of the world. And every person is needed and irreplaceable. Everyone can realize themselves and be happy. There are no good or bad people. There is only my limited understanding of these people through my desires. Evil must be sought first of all in oneself, and the perception of the world around depends on how we understand it. For one evil, for another not. So it turns out that there is no objective evil. I ask you to understand correctly, I do not mean that there are no bad deeds, I am talking only about internal states, about the attitude to the world around us. It can change … for the better.
Think twice before you say
We so often inflict pain with our words and do not even know how much we have hurt the person. We do not realize this and do not even always notice how a person has changed in his face after our words. We think we said "the truth", "as is." Stupidity! Nobody knows how to eat. And this is so for one simple reason. We are all different and we also perceive reality differently. And this is what we can think of others, nothing more. Thanks to Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology, this became possible for me. Protect the world of another person! Think before speaking. Before making an opinion or judgment about a person, now I ask myself the question: and I - who? And I understand that first of all I deserve condemnation. And this is very important. Because you need to correct yourself. This is the only way to change something for the better.
Much depends on our words. We talk a lot: at work, at home, on the street - wherever there are other people. And the way we say hello or say something, or explain - this affects everything that happens. Our words reflect everything that we live with, how we relate to others. Raising a child, we can in one word cancel out all his aspirations, lose his trust, scare or, on the contrary, give him strength, inspire, direct. Because there are always intentions behind the words and the words accurately reflect them. The ability to understand what intentions we carry in ourselves, and every day to work on ourselves, Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology helped me.
After the training, I noticed that different people began to open their experiences, began to trust more. And they do it themselves, for no reason, no reason, talking about their problems. I don't know, maybe they feel that they will be understood, not condemned, maybe something else, but this imposes even greater responsibility. After all, now these are already my problems. Because I understand them. Here you generally need to be silent and think very well what to answer or how to remain silent, or maybe something needs to be done for this person. With regard to action, we can say this. Participating in a situation, I began to wonder if my action would benefit someone. After all, before that, I could be sure that I knew exactly when I was doing “good” to people. Now I will think twice about what to do. We very often do something for ourselves, imagining that we are doing good to a person. In the end it turns outthat they did not help a person or themselves, they were also offended that they did not accept our help.
When I served the beggars, I always thought it would help them. Although I always knew that they might not be asking for themselves, but for the owners. Sometimes I served it to drunks who could not live without drinking, realizing that they would drink. Now I think about what to do, because by doing so, I not only allow these people to go further, but also do not leave them the opportunity to improve. First of all, I fulfill my need for emotions, pitying the person, instead of helping. And this is just one of many examples. System-vector psychology allows you to direct your desires for the benefit of people first of all, and not yourself.
In conclusion, I would like to say that System-Vector Psychology does not give a magic wand for all problems, but only allows you to understand the causes of these problems. But this is what prevents us from enjoying life today. And by understanding this, we can change our lives. We are human beings, and we tend to be wrong. Without this, life would have no meaning, because only by realizing mistakes can we change. After the training, these mistakes and problems did not decrease, and this is not necessary. The main thing is that the internal attitude to the world around has changed. And how happy I am that I live!
