Unhappy Sectarian, or a Life-Long Search …
The state of fanaticism is not visible while you are in it. The manifestations pass gradually, you just start doing something automatically, from memory, but you immediately catch yourself doing it …
After some time at the training of Yuri Burlan, constantly finding fault with myself and my results, I got to a live lecture by my past guru. Before system-vector psychology, it was an absolute authority for me in the field of psychology and not only. I, like many others, just looked into his mouth, listened without stopping to his mind-blowing theories about the world order, the theory of personality manifestation.
This time more people came to his lecture than ever before! Everyone languished in anticipation of a sensation … eeee … here it is, it has begun! After 10 minutes I was amazed, I could not believe it … From time to time I even pinched myself and checked in every possible way that this was not a dream. I asked myself: "Maybe another person is giving the lecture?" No, he is still the same and says the same thing that once struck me so …
His speech was a thick fog of promises that do not carry any semantic meaning. 70% of his speech is scattered mysticism at the level of popular signs, 30% is the presentation of fantasies about their personal inner states as an indisputable truth, absolute for everyone. How could I ever fall for this?
Sometimes I thought it was a joke, that everyone in the audience understood the value of this information … I looked around, looked at others, looked for confirmation of this, but no, there was complete concentration on the lecturer and genuine interest in my eyes. Soon I began to sleep with my eyes open, and then with my eyes closed, I was ashamed, but I could not help myself.
I don’t even remember when I was really “covered” with a great search … I know that as soon as I could somehow understand, I was instantly carried away by the topic of aliens and everything unknown, unseen, mystical. Everything that came under the category of “fantasy” was filtered out and used. From early childhood, this topic was a priority for me, it seemed to me that somewhere “There” is my real home and a truly interesting Life, but here … Here it is a temporary misunderstanding, someone's big mistake in the distribution of souls … Empty life … As a last resort, I could agree to a unique mission to this wretched place, but such an offer was never received …
A more practical meaning in my fantasies began to emerge after I came across a brochure with agitation in some Christian direction. After that, everything went on ascending! The most powerful attitude was born just instantly: "I must at all costs during this life (preferably in its first half) reach God!"
I breathed a sigh of relief - at last something appeared to be here for! There was no doubt that I would do it. A lot of this was also facilitated by the constant showdown of drunk parents. At the age of 14, the most beloved and quivering occupation was solitude with the Bible. I didn’t read it, I relished it, cherished it and cherished it …
At the age of 18 followed a dive into Indian philosophy, practice from the most reputable gurus. And so on, and in the same spirit … I became a "black hole", various teachings in order were sucked in, devoured and spat out when it turned out that my God was dumb with them … I was devastated by constant disappointment, after each unsuccessful attempt, total contempt followed - "There is nothing to breed Real seekers."
Such saturation could not pass without a trace, and by the end of the second ten of my life I was still torn away from this life, including from social life in general. I could no longer combine anything with a search - the concept of how to do it completely dissolved in my head, and, moreover, there was not a single desire in the direction of this. Work - who needs it? Family - but not up to you already, now without me. Give it to me at last! The anticipation of approaching the target was growing, everything inside was ringing, my insides vibrated at a breakneck speed.
About how the veil falls
Until now, I am amazed at how quickly it all happened. Forum on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan, one essay about the sound vector, the second, the beginning of the training … After the sound lesson, I remember only the quiet words of Death in my head: "Well, friend, have you sailed?" At that moment not a single molecule remained from my long-term goal, it turned out that all my inner subtlest aspirations were a given control!.. It was a setup of a universal scale!
When I first heard about the fanatic's complex, my first thought was: "Yes, this is not even close to me, I'm not some suicide bomber!" Second thought: “There is something in me from this description, but not much. Maybe I messed things up as always? " After "something wrong" … WOMAN !!! In a microsecond, an atomic flash of a three-dimensional picture of the entire past, present and possible future! "I DO NOT BELIEVE! It just can't be!"
Okay! After the training, the "goal" disappeared, but what moved towards it did not go anywhere. Realizing your fanaticism is very unpleasant. This is real torment! I was ready to sacrifice my life, and it didn't matter to me where exactly - the main feelings were received from the search itself. As soon as the mind caught on at first glance something worthwhile, a mind-blowing plan was unrolled in my head for hours on how to implement it. Then, after a short time, there was another grandiose idea - all according to the same scenario … An idea, an agitated state with its mental turn, and in the absence of the slightest movement in the direction of implementation, a new idea …
In this duet there was a complete idyll - without having time to really catch on to something, I immediately frenziedly picked up something else with trembling hands and shook, shook, shook, increasing the speed and degree … There is such a term - engine operation "for wear", when, with one press of the gas pedal, an uncontrolled process of increasing speed begins, which ultimately leads to the destruction of the engine. This is how I felt.
The state of fanaticism is not definable while one is in it. And I still cannot fully understand how this state has such an incredible power of influence on a person … I understand everything about an underdeveloped skin vector and a painful sound vector, but this thing has been living for me all my conscious life … How with the help of lectures Yuri Burlan's insight broke through the cast-iron curtain in my head, it can be called a real miracle.
The manifestations pass gradually, you just start doing something automatically, from memory, but you immediately catch yourself doing it. Today it is not difficult to see, it is difficult to do it differently, because it has never been otherwise … I just do not interfere with what I received at the training, work, and somehow everything itself starts to happen differently.
It is not clear how humanity exists at all ?! How can you live without systems thinking? How can you live without a head? People, come to the training - they "sew on" everyone's head!
