Come to comfort me, or What to do if a man asks for pity all the time
How can you refuse him? Rather, such a thought does not even arise. There is only one thought: “Faster! We have to get ready. Or maybe he should grab another jar of jam? From the throat, and generally for health, it seems, is good … How is he there, poor, alone? In an empty apartment, where the eternal creative mess reigns, where even the walls in some strange way resemble chaos? He has no time to eat, let alone get out, and after all, no one, no one will take care of him”…
The phone call deafens the space of your room, where a minute ago everything was full of unspoken longing and vague either premonitions or desires … This call knocked you out of limbo, and your heart beat sweetly, as if reminding you that life is beautiful when there is someone be in love! An insinuating male voice in the receiver either whispered, or sang that he was now very bad … And with a half-joking intonation he added: “Come, kitten. To console the poor … artist."
How can you refuse him? Rather, such a thought does not even arise. There is only one thought: “Faster! We have to get ready. Or maybe he should grab another jar of jam? From the throat, and generally for health, it seems, is good … How is he there, poor, alone? In an empty apartment, where the eternal creative mess reigns, where even the walls in some strange way resemble chaos? He has no time to eat, let alone clean, and nobody, nobody will take care of him."
What is known about him? He loves everything beautiful. He says about himself: "I am an esthete." This is probably why she meets girls 20 years younger than herself. From the outside it most likely looks strange. Everyone thinks, "What do they find in him?"
A middle-aged man of undistinguished appearance with a dubious "vocation" and thoughts about his own "genius" and "unrecognition." But, nevertheless, women like him, especially those sensitive, delicate, fragile and vulnerable who are ready to cry over the fate of a stray dog or an unfortunate rabbit, and to feel sorry for their beloved man is a sacred cause for them.
Often these women themselves have some kind of talent, they are interesting to other men, but they choose him - the "poor" and "unfortunate": they so want to give him joy. The heart breaks from the torment of a loved one. And so it can last for years.
He is her, my dear, tsap-tsap-tsap
It would seem, what is the problem? After all, both parties are happy, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Such a man tries to look after beautifully. He easily picks up the "key" to the heart of his chosen one, enveloping her with a train of exquisite words and compliments, creates emotional and intellectual closeness with her.
Her initial alertness and distrust do not bother him. On the contrary, he encourages her with the words: "Do not be afraid, I will not do anything to you, I am an old sick … grandfather." And although he is far from a grandfather, for some reason it sounds even touching. Her heart involuntarily squeezes with pity (not even pity, just sympathy) and immediately calms down in a strange way. And she is no longer afraid to open up to meet him, to plunge into a whirlpool in these leading relations that have fallen on her head and it is not clear to what.
And he, meanwhile, finds common topics of conversation and interests, demonstrating his erudition and eloquence. She begins to listen to his stories. He seems such a smart, interesting conversationalist. Unbeknownst to herself, she falls into the net woven and placed specially for her. She can no longer live without him: she is waiting for his call to throw herself into his arms and get even more confused.
What's the catch?
Such relationships practically do not develop. He does not give her a sense of security and protection, the feeling that he is really capable of taking responsibility for their future. He himself says that he is afraid of responsibility, and this is what she unconsciously feels. His state is transmitted to her, and her fears and her own insecurity - to him.
They, as communicating vessels, share with each other their childhood experiences, memories and tell each other about their current life, plans and dreams, consult with each other. He took on the role of her psychotherapist, she is his pillow, into which he sometimes weeps.
And yet, she increasingly feels that something is wrong in their relationship. The initial euphoria of falling in love, which had deafened her, has passed, and everyday life … She cannot imagine ordinary everyday life next to him. All this seems terribly dreary: everyday life, lack of money, his fixation on himself, his old habit of living alone, his, to put it mildly, difficult character, frequent attacks of hypochondria, grumbling …
The mere thought that, having agreed to his proposal to "live together" or even "marry him," a beautiful fairy tale of romantic love will scatter into a thousand pieces, plunges her into despair. It is also frightening that he speaks badly of people, complaining that he is “not accepted” by a society where “not talent, but sycophantity and hypocrisy” is valued. Everyone is bad: from work colleagues to neighbors and various acquaintances. He blames others for all his troubles. And your ground leaves from under your feet when he once again swears loudly with someone, and then curses this person, making you a witness to these scenes.
Seeing your indecision, he takes offense, accusing you of "not loving him." He often manipulates you at all, using these words: “How, are you leaving?.. That's it, you don’t love me!”, “Won't you do this for me? Do you love me at all?"
We are ruled by our unconscious desires
So what is really going on between them and where can it lead? Let's try to figure it out.
People's lives always follow a certain scenario, take shape according to clear laws, based on the psychological properties of the individual, the degree of development of these properties and their state.
In total, there are eight groups of desires in the psychic of humanity that require fulfillment. Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology calls them vectors. The problem is that not all people are taught from childhood to fulfill their unconscious desires in the best way, in line with the correct development of the personality, forming healthy habits, attitudes and guidelines, setting the right direction in life. Towards "plus", not "minus".
Often, a person who does not understand this simply lives as best he can. As used to, as taught / learned from childhood. There are desires, and the way they are satisfied depends on the degree of development of the mental properties of this person, as well as their implementation in a given segment of life.
In our history, both man and woman are owners of the visual vector. The main value for them is love, the creation of emotional connections. They are very sensitive, emotional, really appreciate beauty in everything. A visual person is capable of real compassion, disinterestedly helping those who feel bad, and receiving untold pleasure from this: after all, he realizes his natural properties. When he experiences a state of love - the highest point of a huge amplitude of his emotional states - at this moment the biochemistry of his brain is evened out, and a person experiences pleasure.
Your-my cracks …
But such a beautiful person by nature can easily fall into the trap of his own impressionability and excessive compassion. Not finding for a long time the realization of his properties in life (or with insufficient realization), he begins to automatically project his shortages and needs on those who will be nearby.
For example, a woman unnecessarily regrets her man or girlfriend, and they, in turn, in some way use her to complain and cry, because they themselves feel the corresponding need. After all, people are attracted to paired relationships for a reason, but like puzzles, unconsciously coincide with all their anchors and injuries.
Thus, a sadist seeks a masochist, and vice versa. A person who does not find application for his desire to regret finds a person who is in dire need of this. And such pairs are relatively stable. Relatively, because the more unhealthy these relationships are, the more people in them suffer, while at the same time experiencing dependence on them. Stories about how a woman cannot leave her tyrant husband for years are from this series.
But even where "violations" are less and cost "little blood", the relationship is far from full and therefore do not bring real satisfaction. There remains a feeling of understatement, dissatisfaction, and the relationship itself often reaches a dead end.
The love boat decided not to crash into everyday life and crashed … before
A woman in a relationship with a man seeks reliability. As Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology says, it is important for her to feel protected as a guarantor of the safety of herself and future children. A woman is by nature a recipient, and a man is a giver. This is a basic natural law that operates in any relationship between a man and a woman.
When one of the partners persistently seeks manifestations of pity for him, wants to be constantly pitied, this is a signal of a not very healthy state of the visual vector, inability to realize oneself, lack of expression of emotions, feelings, bright colors … He does not love and does not feel compassion himself. "Begging" pity, he demands: "Love me." And this interferes with relationships, does not allow them and the people themselves to develop, forcing them to "bogged down" in a feeling of pity, which is encouraged by a partner. It turns out a vicious circle, a dead end, exhausting both.
But when the partner who wants pity is a man, it creates an even more unhealthy picture of the relationship: a blow is struck at the basic female sense of security and safety around her man. After all, such a man often experiences problems with social realization, he is surrounded by troubles and "bad people", he feels bad all the time, he looks for sympathy from her. She feels sorry for him, but as a woman she is uncomfortable around. After all, she wants her beloved man to "carry in his arms" or at least to stand firmly on his own feet, but he cries and does not know how to continue living, how to find a job, how to "break through", how not to be unhappy.
Is such a relationship doomed?
Such relationships without systemic knowledge could probably be called doomed to rupture or, in extreme cases, to "routine stagnation" caused by the unconscious collusion of two people who do not know themselves and each other. You can hardly call them happy. They sometimes take their little pleasure with a teaspoon from the vast ocean, instead of plunging into the abyss of real feelings.
The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan reveals the mechanism of the emergence of such relations, which means that there is an opportunity to "fix" it, if there is a mutual desire for this. Since the tone in a relationship is always set by a woman, she should, perhaps, start with herself and find a sphere for realizing her emotions, feelings of pity and compassion, applying them where it really is necessary: in the work of a psychologist, in an orphanage or a nursing home. Then there will be no need to manifest them in relation to a man. This alone will change their relationship dramatically.
And then … there is an opportunity to build your destiny on a completely different level, owning the exact tool for cognizing the unconscious - system-vector psychology. This is evidenced by the numerous reviews of those who attended Yuri Burlan's trainings.
Looking to build a happy pairing relationship? Register for introductory free online lectures on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan here: