Resentment is my earthly brake
Resentment is a dead end that prevents movement forward into the future. Instead of living here and now and getting joy from life, you poke around in the past, recalling all the details of events in your memory: someone looked wrong, said something unflattering, or, on the contrary, did not pay attention, forgot to fulfill the promise …
We languish with grievous offense, I dragged myself through a gloomy life
“How unjust are people! Why would I do this ?! They do not appreciate my abilities and professionalism in the service … The work was done together - everyone was noted, but I was forgotten! Isn't it a shame? For my concern for my family, for my efforts to make the house a full cup, to be clean, comfortable, even if someone would say thanks … Ungrateful! Why is everything to others, but nothing to me? Didn't I deserve ?! How unfair life is!"
A small resentment scrolls through my head over and over again, growing like a snowball, and attracting new grievances. They press down like a heavy slab, from under which you can't get out. And there is no desire to get out: a painful state gnaws, deprives of strength and becomes an excuse for inaction. Resentment appears more and more clearly on the face - dissatisfied and gloomy, manifests itself in reproaches and claims to others and returns in multiplied portions, because people try to avoid communication with such a person. As a result, resentment replaces life. The oppressive feeling that life has failed leaves the only ghostly consolation: to live the next life from scratch.
Will she be next?..
Insult - "my earthly compass"? - broken compass
Resentment is a dead end that prevents movement forward into the future. Instead of living in the here and now and getting joy from life, you poke around in the past, recalling all the details of events in your memory: someone looked wrong, said something unflattering, or, on the contrary, did not pay attention, forgot to fulfill the promise. Despite the severity of past grievances, you seem to cherish these memories, indulging in them longer and longer. This is how the fixation on the past happens. In essence, resentment is a rejection of life in the present, an inability to find joy in it, but at the same time “virtuoso” use of any event to replenish the collection of one's grievances. At the time (almost in the words of a poet) to ask: "Where has the impulse lured me" of resentment? Does resentment point the way? And where?.. Yes, it does. There, where everything is in the past, where nothing can be changed, into oblivion …
I remember evrything…
The ability to take offense and remember all the insults is characteristic of people of a special kind. In system-vector psychology, they are called people with an anal vector, who are naturally characterized by powerful memory. Such memory allows them to accumulate past experience and pass it on to young people, realizing continuity between generations in the development of culture and social experience. Such a person remembers everything: both good and bad. The memory of the “good” that was done to him gives rise to gratitude and the desire to “repay with good”; the memory of "bad", or rancor, generates resentment and a desire to take revenge on the offender. These opposite characteristics are like two sides of the same coin, like a scale of possibilities for using a natural gift - memory.
Mother - a saint or the first offender?
For a person with an anal vector from childhood, the most important values are home (as space and way of relationships), family and parents, especially mother. This is a HOLY for him. According to the specific role, such a person is called and is able to protect the home, family, old people and children from external enemies.
For a child (up to 6 years old), it is the mother who provides a sense of security and safety. In this sense, the father exerts on the child not directly, but indirectly - through the mother. If a man gives his wife a sense of balance, then with her inner calm state she provides such a feeling to the child; and vice versa, if a man causes anxiety, irritation, dissatisfaction in his wife, then her condition is transmitted to the child, who begins to experience stress from the loss of confidence in safety for himself. And this can have a bad effect on its development.
A child with an anal vector in good condition is a "golden child": diligent, obedient, loving his mother and grateful to her. True, he is a little slow, makes a choice with difficulty and makes independent decisions for a long time, so he tries to do everything that mommy says, and so carefully and well to get praise. Well-deserved praise for such a child is a manifestation of justice and order in the world.
But it happens that the mother differs from the child in her properties and tries to develop in him the properties that she herself has. The consequences of this are serious problems in upbringing: a "fertile ground" is laid for the child for the lush color of grievances. A fast, dexterous, sometimes flickering mother constantly rushes, tugs, interrupts her slow baby: "Come on, hurry, why are you digging!" And he, by nature not capable of rapid changes, develops stress, stupor, which can manifest itself in unmotivated stubbornness and, of course, in resentment.
Another mother, immersed in her own thoughts, does not seem to see how her son is trying to be obedient, good, and the best. Yes, she, it seems, does not even notice him, and the boy gets offended: they did not appreciate, they did not praise! Or a mother of two children pays less attention to one child (because he is older, stronger than the other. And the deprived one has a feeling that the mother is unfair to him: “she didn’t love him, she didn’t give him enough …” …
A child's resentment against the mother, lasting for life, then transforms into resentment against women - first, one, the first girl, from whom an offensive attitude is unconsciously expected. Then the initial bad experience is recorded, and the resentment is transferred to all women: "They are all the same." And then - to the whole world. As the scale of the object of offense grows, so does the strength of the offense itself. And the only way to bring yourself into some balance is revenge on everyone and everything - at every opportunity. Well, since you can't get pleasure from life, then at least relieve tension - to avenge your ruined life. “Who is to blame? MOTHER! It all started with her."
They carry water to the offended
Adults with the anal vector in a developed and realized state are professionals in their field, meticulous in details (perfectionists), the best experts who help to identify the slightest inconsistencies in order to correct shortcomings and mistakes. These are masters of skill, who can do everything: from cleaning a home to repairing a car and building a summer house with their own hands. These are the best fathers and mothers, whose children are not only fed and cared for, but also taught a lot of what parents can do.
However, the same people in a state of stress become victims not so much of circumstances as of their own grievances: due to the lack of expected honor at work, respect from the younger generation, their children, who are obliged to respect their elders; due to inadequate order in the house ("why are the slippers not in place?") And now the world's best jack of all trades are turning into sofa-sitters, the world's best parents and spouses - into despots who initiate domestic violence.
The main reason for the occurrence of resentment is disappointed expectations: deserved praise, reward, preservation of the usual way of life and relationships, sympathy. The offended person is very predictable in their reactions. Therefore, in addition to all other troubles, such people also become victims of manipulations: through insult they can be knocked out of the rut and "removed from the field" as an active enemy; praise can be made to do almost anything; through the expression of pity and sympathy for him - to get what you want.
The fate of an offended person is unenviable.
Where is the exit? Forgive or … What?
The severity of grievances, the impossibility of a full life leads some people to understand that they need to seek help from a psychologist … But traditional advice on this problem comes down to the fact that a person forgives his offenders, lets go of his past for the sake of living in the present. Some of the tools that psychologists can offer you are drawing a resentment on paper, reproducing an offensive situation through symbols, and even an imaginary conversation with the person who offended you.
However, for some reason it does not work to forgive. And the most important thing is that the skill to be offended does not disappear anywhere … New situations come, and now you are again in a state of offense. All kinds of self-hypnosis, self-talk, the desire to change your life through forgiveness give an episodic effect, and old grievances with frightening force are revealed again, poisoning a person's existence and plunging him into even more despondency from the inability to solve this problem. Some psychologists add fuel to the fire by offering techniques of “letting go of resentment”, sometimes very exotic. For example, “to bury the offender in the cemetery of once loved people” - in the imagination, of course, to mourn him so that feelings die and no longer cause pain; only one thing psychologists do not notice: a person carries this "cemetery" IN HIMSELF all his life …
So what do you do? Where is the way out of the vicious circle? And is he even there?..
Yes, says Yuri Burlan at the training "System-vector psychology" and offers his own method of getting rid of resentment - through the awareness of the unconscious processes that drive you and your offenders. SVP will allow you not only to get rid of old resentments, but to lose the ability to resent.
Numerous trainees of the training write about how it works. Here are just some of the evidence:
“I still look around out of habit, listen to myself - maybe I'm still offended? Well, at least a little? No, I don't feel anything like that. I can understand that the person did something that I do not like. I can want to fix it, I can tell him about it, or, on the contrary, keep silent. But I don't take offense at him. Generally. It's hard to convey. To live so many years in a stubborn struggle with oneself and with the whole world and suddenly - bam! It’s like someone flipped a switch and turned off these emotions. As there were none. I can hardly even imagine how it is generally to be offended. I can only remember with my mind that I was experiencing some strange, unpleasant feeling, but I can't go through it again. Recalling a pleasant moment and feeling joy again - it turns out. And with offense, something doesn't work out … "Andrey Tkachev, Read the full text of the result" Also a very important result that I got- the resentment against my mother passed. I love my mother very much, but that did not stop me from taking offense at her. I endured insult with an anchor since childhood. I was offended that my mother did not understand me. She did not give me faith in myself and my strength. Something else I didn't finish there … Now, of course, it's gone. Even ashamed to speak. But I lived with it and it was very difficult and difficult for me … "Tatiana Lavida, Read the full text of the result
Many listeners write that their grievances began to go away after the first free lectures on SVP. Moreover, the effect is long-term and stable.
We invite you to try our free online classes and see for yourself how it works. To participate, register using the link.
