Life is not fair? Twilight fog in the swamps of resentment
What happens to us when we feel hurt? We, roughly speaking, slow down. We fall into a stupor, stop developing and live our lives in vain. Moreover, if there is no work with resentment, it can change our life scenario - from positive to negative.
How do ordinary people live? They suffer, they love, they rejoice, they are sad. Experiencing different human feelings from birth.
But not all of these feelings are constructive. For example, there is one among them, which greatly spoils life - both by the "feeling" and their loved ones. It can be attributed to a kind of inability. This is the inability to forgive insults.
Where does this feeling come from? Sometimes it seems that from the moment a person is born. Because from his early childhood he takes out not bright happy pictures, but moments of suffering that stretched out for eternity.
For example, one already grown-up girl, instead of joyful moments of childhood, remembers how she once suffered from the fact that her mother was late for kindergarten and took her later than others. Perhaps some other children at this moment would have a fear that he was abandoned. And instead of this, she had a resentment, which could not get rid of until adulthood.
Another girl could suffer when her beloved teacher sat the pretty pupil Katya on her lap and exclaimed how beautiful and sweet she was. Other children ran alongside themselves, not noticing either the teacher or Katenka. And that touchy girl was offended. And I also remembered this petty offense all my life.
It is difficult to forgive an insult even in adulthood, and what can we say about childhood. And there can be a lot of such moments in the life of every person suffering from resentment. They hurt so badly that you can remember almost all of them in the smallest detail.
Or maybe you know how not to react to resentment? And you never take offense at people? Well, lucky, then welcome to the mind of the resentful person: I will show you what happens in his sense of self at the moment of resentment.
A person accustomed to being offended does not necessarily cherish his grievances or remember them on purpose - on the contrary, he wants to forget with all his might. And he seeks to learn how to learn to forgive insult so as not to be tormented by empty memories. But this emotion, devouring from within, is stronger than all desires. She doesn't ask whether you want to test her or not, she just covers you with a wave, and you cannot resist her. Something starts to throb in my head, logical thinking turns off, and inside, like a giant cancerous tumor, the feeling grows that I was not appreciated, disliked, not noticed, or heard. All this causes almost physical pain.
In addition, at the moment of offense, a person can feel how the world around him seems to begin to change: shrink where he is, and convexly expand where THEY (offenders) are.
What does he feel at this moment? It seems to him that with their words or actions they trampled him, flattening his sense of self to a micropoint. And they inflated themselves to exorbitant proportions. Yes, they … they asserted themselves at his expense, that's what!
The offenders say: “Stop being offended! Well, what are you like a little child? "," Don't know how to forgive insults? Just take it and stop sulking."
Oh, if it were so simple - to take and disable this "function", then everyone would have done it a long time ago. "But I can not! - the offended cries in despair. - I can not forgive the insult and stop its appearance, and that's it!
And it is true. After all, it interferes with living, loving, working, developing, finally. Having settled in his soul, she makes him a touchy "brake" who for days on end can only think about this offense, chewing in his thoughts the smallest sensations on the topic "how it was" and "what will I do to them for this", thereby throwing more and more firewood into the fire of resentment. Then how could I spend this time with benefit.
Apparently, the time has come to look for answers in the science of human behavior and its causes. Psychology must know how to forgive an offense. Otherwise, what else is it needed for?
HOW TO COPE WITH OFFENSE: WHAT PSYCHOLOGISTS ADVISE
Traditional psychology equates resentment with negative emotions. With which to fight. There are several ways to do this (if you do not take dubious methods in the form of hypnosis, meditation, and the like): quenching emotions, restraining, switching and, finally, chemical means.
How to forgive resentment by satisfying emotions? If we consider resentment as a reaction to unfair treatment, then satisfaction should be the restoration of this very justice. But how do you restore it? If you want to beat in anger, and a punching bag is suitable for these purposes, then nothing will come of resentment: you will not be able to come up and kick another girl from the knees of your beloved teacher in order to sit on them. In addition, our grievances are not always adequate: it may only seem to us that they wanted to offend us, but then, on mature reflection, we understand what we imagined.
How to deal with resentment through containment? Swallow something that is so bad to swallow. Pout "in a rag." Cringe on the sidelines.
It has long been known that holding back emotions does not lead to anything good. In the case of offense, this is especially true: swallowing offense after offense, we accumulate within ourselves that which is not utilized, but grows, expands and multiplies. And certainly one day it breaks through with a powerful verbal eruption: when the offender has already forgotten to think about what he once said, a stream of reproaches falls on him, because of which the relationship deteriorates more than if they were clarified at the first misunderstanding.
Switching. How to let go of resentment using this method? From the outside, it may seem that switching is a really good way to forget the insult: I got carried away with an interesting job, occupied the head of others - and that's it, the offense was gone. But no. This method works only with those who do not know real grievances, do not know this hard feeling, which does not let go at the snap of their fingers. I described above what it is, you understand, yes, that switching will not work here?
Chemicals. How to cope with resentment with tranquilizers? Tranquilizers inhibit the perception of negative emotions. However, they do not work to get rid of the resentment: the emotion weakens, and the thought that “I was offended” remains. It remains as a statement of fact. When the "chemistry" ceases to work, the resentment is restored and covertly looks for a reason for manifestation.
Isn't it too much to try to shut off natural human emotion with chemicals? We, those who are touchy, are not mutants, so that we try to "amputate" unnecessary feelings.
By the way, is it really not necessary? There is nothing superfluous in nature. And if we experience this feeling, then we need it? How to figure it out?
I will not torment you anymore: all the answers to these questions are given by the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. It also allows anyone to learn how to overcome resentment, even the most chronic.
EFFECTIVE WORK WITH OFFENSES
Remember when I talked about the subjective feeling of resentment? About the fact that the world at the moment of inflicting cruel mental wounds seems to be twisted, trying to mentally destroy? It is amazing, but everything is so: insult arises only in those people for whom there are no more important and balanced concepts than justice, honesty, straightforwardness.
The balance in space is violated for them if, in their opinion (and it is always significant for them), injustice has been shown to them. They did not appreciate the same as others, they did not say what to others (and they deserve it !!!), they did not give what to others. Or they said something so disgusting that they did not tell others … In general, they broke the balance and inflicted a grave offense, which will be very difficult to overcome.
These are all people with an anal vector.
Why and why are these people so touchy? Nature has endowed them with a special type of thinking, thanks to which they can process huge layers of information, sorting it according to various criteria even in the process of mastering. The tendency to systematization, strict order, impartiality, equality - these are the categories of thinking of analogs, which they transfer to life.
Touchiness is a consequence of such thinking, a "side effect", a reaction to situations in which balance is disturbed.
And what, you ask, are all representatives of the anal vector doomed to struggle with resentment all their lives unsuccessfully? And there is no means and way to get rid of this scourge, because of which families are falling apart, good relationships are broken, a career goes downhill?
In fact, this state is natural, but release from resentment should happen in childhood, when the child "outgrows" it, simply unlearning to take offense. What does it mean?
Ideally, the picture is like this. A child with an anal vector is very dependent on the mother, he expects from her manifestations of love and praise. A sensitive mother sees and understands this, therefore she praises the child for the cause and supports him in his endeavors, instilling in the child self-confidence. Resentment does not bother the baby if his anal vector develops in accordance with his needs, if he learns to give, not expecting anything in return, and not to take it for granted. Having become a developed and realized person, he no longer suffers from bouts of resentment, which in fact is a manifestation of selfishness, infantilism, insufficient development and fulfillment in the family and society.
However, very few have an ideal childhood, and as a result, we all suffer in one way or another from our resentment. Disliked, offended by parents and fate.
Who prevents us from removing resentment in adulthood? Developing and realizing in the same way as the child in the example? Yes, time is lost, the years of character formation are gone, but for adults, everything is real. The only thing that hinders us is the lack of knowledge of how to do it.
Why can't we let go of the grudge in peace and move on? Because they are endowed with a very good memory, as well as the property-desire to often refer to the past. These are the necessary qualities for full realization in society, but they also play a cruel joke with us: we remember the smallest offense in detail and love to scroll through the details of the days gone by for a long time.
So, I perfectly remember how my children's skin-visual girlfriends "offended" me, distributing roles in children's play and giving me a role, in my opinion, inconspicuous and insignificant compared to theirs. And you can remember something else, no less important to you.
What happens to us when we feel hurt? We, roughly speaking, slow down. We fall into a stupor, stop developing and live our lives in vain. Moreover, if there is no work with resentment, it can change our life scenario - from positive to negative.
Here is a man, potentially a professional in his field and a wonderful husband, becomes a loser who does not have a family and children, instead of an interesting interlocutor he turns into a gloomy beech, led in this life by only the idea of revenge, mud mud, or maybe someone worse … This difficult condition overshadows everything, bringing to the fore the opposition "I am right" and "they are wrong."
HOW TO GET RID OF OFFENSE ONCE AND FOREVER?
So how can an adult overcome an offense? The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan teaches us to understand our mental characteristics, see the reasons for our own resentment, recognize in it not only the offense as such, but also a whole bunch of other states.
This understanding allows you to deal with your past, your "hooks" and "anchors", which do not allow you to enjoy life and breathe deeply. Resentment for everyone who has completed the training is not just an annoying hereditary trait, not a weakness or a unique character trait. Resentment is a transformation into a pillar of salt, stupor, inhibition, NOT life without development and the joy of being.
Plunging into the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, you understand what to do with an insult to a mother, husband, child, boss or close friend: to take away the right to insult. And to turn to your past not for a retrograde search for another offense, but for your own realization.
How to forget past grievances and look into the bright future, and not remember the dark past? To start with the awareness of mental characteristics - not only our own, but also those of others. What for? At least so that, realizing why other people are used to "offending" you, you look differently at situations in which you were offended before.
The deeper you immerse yourself in this knowledge, the less offended and you understand how to get rid of the feeling of offense. Instead of a state that throws you back in development, you find your unique realization, build relationships with relatives, see your purpose in life. And what could be more important than this?
