My husband is an alcoholic. Love or pity?
It does not even occur to a woman that she built her destiny with her own hands, that it was not by chance that she found herself with this person. How does this happen? Whom and how do we attract into our life and why? Let's figure it out …
She is a fragile, delicate body and at the same time a persistent woman, he is a drunken alcoholic. Such completely different people. You can't say that their relationship was filled with love, and yet … What keeps her near him? Doesn't she understand that she's wasting time and energy on the wrong person?
Similar questions come to mind when you see another such couple among your friends. Unfortunately, these cases are not isolated. There are so many of them that we are talking about a mass phenomenon.
But each of these women thinks that she is the only one - a sacrificial heroine, steadfastly bearing her cross until the end of her days. Sometimes, however, a feeling of injustice, resentment against fate, self-pity will suddenly flood over her. Did I really dream about it? Am I not worthy of a better lot?
It does not even occur to a woman that she built her destiny with her own hands, that it was not by chance that she found herself with this person. How does this happen? Whom and how do we attract into our life and why? Let's figure it out …
There are women in Russian villages …
Contrary to popular belief that only Russian women can be such fools as to drag an alcoholic husband on them, I’ll say right away: it does not depend on nationality.
And from what? From the innate nature of a woman. There are special women - more kind and compassionate, more sensitive and emotional than everyone else.
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan defines such women as representatives of the visual vector. A vector is a set of innate properties that are responsible for character, inclinations, talents and everything else that shapes each of us as a person.
Thus, there is an innate predisposition to connect your life with an alcoholic. This looks incredible, doesn't it? Too cruel, I would say. In fact, no one is born for such a fate. We come to this world to live a bright, happy life. And for this, everything is given to us from birth. But ignorance of our properties often drives us into a trap, from which it is then difficult to get out.
So what is visual vector? This is what makes a person emotional, amorous, and potentially compassionate, sympathetic.
A visual woman is predisposed to create emotional connections with people, the break of which she experiences very painfully. This is one of the reasons why such a woman clings to any, even the most destructive relationship. But there is another, more compelling reason.
“Don't drink from the hoof! You will become a kid. " Unconscious desires and their realization
Our properties manifest in us in the form of unconscious desires that require fulfillment. It can be compared to thirst. Remember the tale about Alyonushka and her brother Ivanushka, where the girl says to her brother: “Don't drink from a hoof! Will you become a kid?
What are our unconscious desires? These are desires of a certain direction, everyone has their own, depending on the vectors. In the visual vector, for example, there is a desire for compassion. It comes in handy when it comes to sick, disadvantaged children and the elderly.
Looking at the suffering of other people, we, the spectators, feel their pain as ours. It is as if an electrical discharge travels throughout the body from crown to heels. The first thought is to run, close your eyes, hide so as not to see, not to feel this pain.
But in fact, you need to do just the opposite. Overcoming himself, his fear and disgust for other people's pain, imbued with sympathy for people in need of him, taking care of them, the visual person fills his unconscious desires. Compassion in this case is like pure spring water for a weary soul.
But we do not know ourselves, our peculiarities. Therefore, we often pass by what could make us truly happy, highly realized people. We forbid ourselves to sympathize with those who really need it, but the desire does not go anywhere. It remains like a thirst that wants to be quenched at any cost.
As a result, it may happen that the visual woman creates a relationship built on pity, where it is not at all necessary and even inappropriate. That is, he will make the transfer of his desire to compassion to a pair relationship. It will even seem to her that she loves this person. In fact, she mistakes pity for love.
Compassion for an alcoholic multiplied by "swan fidelity" is a trap of fate
Any other woman, faced with her husband's alcoholism, will ultimately make a choice not in favor of such a relationship. Indeed, for a woman in a pair relationship, the most important thing is to get a sense of security from a man. An alcoholic can never give a woman this feeling; on the contrary, he constantly deprives her of this feeling. Therefore, the only reason a woman holds on to such a relationship is the presence of a visual vector in her, which she thus fills, realizing her natural desire for compassion.
Everything becomes much worse if, in addition to the visual vector, the woman is also endowed with the anal vector. The anal vector gives her a desire for loyalty and purity of relations. Such a woman will be devoted to her chosen one, as they say, "in illness and health, in wealth and in poverty."
She will take care of him, grumble and reproach him, accusing him of ingratitude. But he will never quit. The only reason she can go to break up the relationship is if her husband is convicted of infidelity. For the owner of the anal vector, adultery is the most serious crime that she can never forgive.
How to get away from a bad fate
In his trainings on system-vector psychology, Yuri Burlan constantly insists that no one was created for suffering, no one deserves a bad fate. We can and must do everything to arrange our life in the best possible way. Make her the most comfortable and, if possible, happy. And everything is given to us for this.
If you realize that you are stuck in a destructive relationship, you must do everything to get out of it. And for this you need to stop deceiving yourself, consoled by the fact that you are supposedly doing a good deed for someone who is not even able to appreciate your kindness. After all, a person with alcoholism has a gradual degradation of the personality. Being around him, you spoil the life scenario for yourself and for him, continuing to encourage his inability to take responsibility for his life. Such a sacrifice is not required of you. Moreover, it is a crime against itself.
Breaking the vicious circle, however, is not easy. A strong shake is needed, which will give strength and desire, make you believe in yourself. Real change happens when you become fully aware of your situation.
At the training on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan, you can learn about the causes of alcoholism, as well as whether it is possible to help such a person and what can be done for this. And if it suddenly turns out that nothing can be fixed in your relationship, the training will help you get out of it painlessly. You will also learn to build healthy relationships based not on pity but on mutual love and respect. And also get to know the most important person in your life - yourself.
Sign up for free online lectures on systemic vector psychology to learn more about yourself and your partner. Especially if you have big relationship problems that you don't know how to fix. Registration link:
