The formula for a happy marriage
And then, one day, waking up in the same bed, with a seemingly beloved and loving spouse or wife, comes the bitter realization that everything is over …
Guests, dances, a white dress, a magnificent table, tears of joy in the eyes of relatives, smiles of happiness on the faces of the newlyweds. An oath of eternal love and fidelity, and faith, sincere faith and hope that this marriage will be long and happy, and if not eternal, then until the end of life.
And at first it seems that this is how everything will happen. Happy newlyweds go on a honeymoon trip, to the delight of their parents, they seem to really love each other. How else? After all, they are always together, there is no betrayal, no jealousy, no quarrels from scratch, or, as they say, everyday life in this marriage. Passion, joy from living together and no fear that someday it may end.
We love each other so much, we have such passionate sex. And, as many "knowledgeable" people say, good sex is already 50% of a happy marriage.
The end … it's not always happy
But 50% is not 100. And then, one day, waking up in the same bed, with a seemingly beloved and loving spouse or wife, comes the bitter realization that everything is over.
Who is this man? How could I love him? After all, he is terribly chomping at the table, and even snoring in his sleep so that the walls are shaking! - thoughts appear in the head of the "happy" wife.
She used to be different! Caring, loving, sexy. She has neglected herself, does not take care of herself as before. Yes, and the house is a constant mess … - the husband tries to rationalize his feelings, not remembering that in fact this very mess reigned in their cozy nest all their life together. But before, for some reason, it did not irritate him so much.
“Here, the truth is they say that you don’t recognize a person until you start living with him,” the young wife complains to her friends. “He spends all his free time in the garage or with friends, or somewhere else, but in the house the tap does not work, the doors are cabinet hang out."
And, indeed, he begins to devote more time to his friends, his beloved car or even work, no matter how hateful it is to him. And all this is not at all because she did not know him well … And she herself feels much more comfortable when he is not around. When you can invite your friends and, over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, wash all the bones for your husband, whom she supposedly only now really recognized.
And then there is fear, fear to tell parents, to upset them, because my mother has a sick heart. And I don’t want to destroy my family, because this marriage has lasted for 3 years, and the status of a “divorcee” is now, though not so catastrophic, but still not desirable.
"We have less and less sex" - the head of this, for now, family shares his experiences with friends.
“Yes, it is because of the rare sex that your family is going wrong,” the family psychologist says with a sage look - the last resort for a falling apart marriage.
And the spouses, trying to save their marriage, not wanting it, resume sexual relations, which do not bring the former joy to either one or the other. But this does not improve life, but on the contrary, the family begins to collapse with even greater speed. The spouse's snoring becomes more and more annoying. Wife's tasteless borscht becomes another reason for a scandal. And unwashed dishes, creaking doors that "there is no one to grease!", Dull knives - a clear description of the owner, and at all, become almost a stumbling block for the continuation of this relationship.
In the end, the day of the divorce proceedings comes. And they leave the courthouse as completely strangers, wondering how they could have lived together for so long! And they have no feeling of loss, no pain from parting, only disappointment in each other and in family life. And when they meet accidentally after weeks, months or years, they do not feel any family connection, although they were once the closest people.
How could this happen? Who is to blame and what to do? Does marriage destroy all feelings, all passion and the happiness that had the right to exist?
"Marriage has lost its value" - some say
“You just made the wrong choice” - others will say
But the choice was just the right one.
Let's talk frankly
You loved each other sincerely, selflessly. You had a real, natural attraction that cannot be confused with anything. It laid the foundation for this marriage.
Sexual attraction is the first pillar on which marriage is built. But remember how often you spent your evenings together? No, not the evenings when you watched a movie and went with all your consciousness into the plot, and after the end credits you immediately fell asleep. And those evenings when you really were together, communicated, shared your experiences, discussed some issues.
How often did you walk in the park and just talk?
How did you take care of each other? When one of you felt bad, could the other sacrifice a few working days in order to be with the other? Were you intellectually close? How often have you discussed some news, or shared your ideas that could be used in professional activities?
Emotional connection and intellectual kinship are 2 more pillars on which a happy and long marriage rests!
Attraction is the base without which the beginning of a happy relationship is impossible. Emotional kinship and intellectual kinship are the basis without which it is impossible to continue them!
Mutual passion is given to us for 3 years, and if during this period we manage to create a stronger bond - emotional and intellectual, this marriage is unlikely to break down. The day will never come when you wake up next to a stranger.
Attraction + Emotional Relationship + Intellectual Connection = Long and Happy Marriage.
Children are another pillar on which a strong marriage is built. This is the last pillar, the strongest and most reliable. But when he is the only one left, that is, the attraction passes, and the emotional connection was not created, the marriage will not last long on him.
Of all the elements of this formula, only one does not directly depend on us - attraction. It is given by nature and only between clearly defined vectors. Not to be mistaken in choosing a partner, to learn how to build happy relationships based on attraction, you will be helped by free lectures on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.
See what Diana says about how her relationship with her husband, which was on the verge of collapse, changed after undergoing training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan:
