"A son without a belt does not understand me!", Or Despair of a lonely mother
Now it is more and more difficult for parents to understand “these strange children” of new generations, they are more and more different from their mothers and fathers, upbringing requires more and more efforts - mental, spiritual, emotional. However, there are not always reserves of these forces, especially when you are a single mom. What happens if a child is physically punished?
“When you are alone, everything is different, everything is more complicated: you have to provide for your family, take care of your home, raise your child, think about everything. There is not enough time, strength is running out, and when the son still does not obey, despair generally rolls over. There is no male example before his eyes, his mother is not an authority for him, because this is a boy. All this is probably the consequences of fatherlessness …"
Single mother. It sounds completely unattractive. Only few people understand what this really means. What responsibility lies with the mother, how many responsibilities she has, how many urgent matters and urgent tasks. Her day is scheduled by the minute, she has no right to a spontaneous weekend, unplanned rest, and even a sudden sick leave. She has a son and she must give him everything. And she copes. How, by what forces, at what cost - only she knows.
Only now there is absolutely no time, energy and opportunity to delve into the issues of education. She gets tired at work, household chores take the last of her strength. And the child wants attention, involvement in his life. And if something does not work out, then sometimes he achieves this by any means, up to disobedience or defiant antics. And when the complaints of educators, teachers begin, when the son does not want to listen to her at all, then patience ends and the mother grabs the belt.
What is left for her? This is just a necessary measure! There is no father, no strength, no support, no understanding - that means there is no way out either … no?
Let's try to look at the situation with the help of system-vector psychology and look for the very way out that would suit everyone.
When do children “spoil”?
In 99% of cases, there are only three options for this.
Option one. Our internal attitudes and understanding of the "correct" behavior diverge from those of a child due to the difference in innate psychological properties.
For example, a sedate and detailed teacher with an anal vector does not imagine how you can do homework while standing at the table and dancing with one leg. How can you learn a verse by jumping on the bed, or study two subjects at the same time.
In such cases, due to a lack of psychological awareness, due to ignorance of how various properties of the psyche manifest themselves, we often try to "fit" the child to ourselves. In our attempts to make the child behave "normally", instead of an eagle, we get just an unhappy duck. That is, we are trying to develop in the child those properties that he does not have, and we suppress those talents that he has.
This is exactly the case when ignorance leads to disastrous consequences.
Option two. A child is born with a certain set of psychological properties. However, he has yet to develop these properties. At the very beginning of this path, the baby shows these properties archetypally, that is, primitively, at the very initial level of development.
For example, a boy with a skin vector saw a candy, wanted it and took it. And while he is small, it is equally acceptable for him to receive this candy as a gift, take it away from a peer, or quietly take it in the store. Only in the process of adequate education does he begin to understand how to behave in the conditions of modern society.
This is a natural stage of maturation and personality formation. The main thing here is to understand how to develop the existing properties, and not to slow down and leave them at the primitive level.
Option three. Unacceptable, defiant, aggressive or provocative behavior of a child is often associated with a loss of a sense of security and safety.
The child receives a feeling of safety from the mother when she is in a balanced psychological state. The subconscious feeling that "everything is fine" even when mom is not around at this moment in time. A sensation that is extremely important for the child, since the development of the psyche depends on him.
Only by feeling himself under the mother's protection, the child gets the opportunity to develop innate psychological properties. This is the basis for the formation of a personality, its growth and development. If a mother is in tension, she feels bad, anxious, painful, then this immediately negatively affects the child.
Therefore, a sharp change in the child's behavior for the worse (not someone's opinion about the child, but an objective change) can serve as a signal that the baby is losing this very sense of safety and security.
(Uh) broken future
Now it is more and more difficult for parents to understand “these strange children” of new generations, they are more and more different from their mothers and fathers, upbringing requires more and more efforts - mental, spiritual, emotional. However, there are not always reserves of these forces, especially when you are a single mom. What happens if a child is physically punished? Loss of a sense of security and safety. Stop in the development of the psyche. Fear, pain, resentment. The mother, who is supposed to serve as protection, becomes a source of suffering. Yes, temporarily under such pressure, the child is able to formally, externally do what the mother needs, even in spite of himself. And then, if episodes of physical punishment are repeated, a negative life scenario is formed.
What does it mean? This means that the psychological properties given to him by nature do not develop as they could, but stop at the lowest level. For example, the innate desire to get money, to be the first, remains at the primitive level of theft or fraud, while it could well be developed to the ability to earn decent money or achieve your goal in sports or career.
The innate acute sense of justice, the ability to divide everything into clean and dirty does not develop into such traits as decency, honesty and integrity, and under the influence of resentment against the mother turns into cruelty towards others, criticism and dirty tricks.
But if you guide him, know how to do it, he will develop in the most correct direction. Because creative realization is more interesting, more pleasant, more exciting, more promising. In other words, having felt once the pleasure that victory over oneself gives, the child seems to discover a new world for himself and no longer wants to go back.
Getting gold in a competition is much more enjoyable than tripping your opponents by fraudulent winning.
Seeing yourself on the school board of honor is a much stronger pleasure than self-asserting at someone else's expense, driving fear into the first graders.
Instructions for Desperate Moms
We start with the main thing: security and safety are a guarantee of the psychological development of the child. Complete rejection of physical punishment, as this is a dead end. The same applies to shouts and insults, since this is the same violence, like beating, only psychological, and can do no less harm than a belt. This position does not mean complete impunity and permissiveness, in any case.
Each achievement should be noted, and each offense should have its own penalty. The main thing in this matter is understanding the psychological nature of the child.
For example, the appropriate (and therefore the most effective) punishment for a skin boy is to limit it in space or in time. I deceived my mother - lost his pocket money; took someone else's without asking - you stand in the corner instead of walking; did not complete household chores - was left without a tablet, and the like.
The most coveted reward for the same leather worker will be a useful material gift (new backpack, phone), a trip (camp, hike) or entertainment (playground, labyrinth, attractions).
Next: emotional connection with the child. What it is? Involvement in his life, general emotions, joint living of his problems and joys, ups and downs, difficulties and achievements, no matter how important or not they seem to you. The loss of a favorite teddy bear is no less a tragedy for a baby than an unrequited first love for a teenager.
It is the emotional connection that forms a high level of trust and mutual understanding between mother and child, no matter how different they may be internally. This makes it possible to participate in a child's life at various stages of it and be exactly the person to whom he will turn when he needs help.
How can this be achieved? We spend time together, only together. Not a month, not a week, not all weekends, not even a day - an hour! An hour just for two - a walk and a sincere conversation, reading a book and discussing it, joint cooking and dinner, joint cleaning of toys and some games with them. Sometimes it is enough to walk from kindergarten or school to talk about how the day went for the child to feel an emotional connection with his mother.
Reading plays a special role. When we simultaneously and together experience with the heroes of the book their ups and downs, sympathize when it is difficult and painful for them, rejoice when they succeed in everything, then it is this simultaneous experience of emotions that gives us the basis for developing a deep, lasting emotional connection.
Moving to a new level - we understand the vector set of the child. Knowledge is needed here, yes. You can get them at the online training "System Vector Psychology". What will it give? A thorough understanding of the reasons for every word, every thought, every desire of your child. Awareness of what drives him and how he manifests it. Why does he behave anyway. What's going on in this little head.
You will begin to understand who needs discipline and strict control like air, and for whom such an approach to upbringing can end up running away from home. Which child needs to cry bitterly over the White Bim Black Ear for development, and which one needs to learn to play the piano, and so on.
Mega-advanced mom educates through involvement. It kindles interest, shows perspective, creates and cultivates a desire to learn more, and then more and more, and thereby directs the child's activity in a creative direction.
The love of astronomy begins with a fascinating excursion to the planetarium, a telescope in the attic, and books about the stars.
The passion for dance begins with Swan Lake at the Opera and Ballet Theater, the school's dance studio and performances at the House of Culture.
Engineering thought develops from the first magnetic constructor, robotics circle and Hi-Tech achievements exhibition.
Where can I get a father without a father?
Of course, the environment has a significant impact on the development of the child. But this environment can and should be formed independently. And here literature becomes the most effective tool. A well-chosen library may well create that image, that male example from books, to which one wants to strive. A child should have a hero, and reading can give him. Friends, neighbors, teachers, coaches - all those men with whom he communicates, studies, spends time, all of them in one way or another become an example for the boy.
In any case, the boy grows, develops and begins to manifest himself at the level to which he has time to develop. A person does not copy the behavior of his parents, but lives by his own desires. If he develops, he will become a good husband, father, man even without the daily father's presence.
For the child, a sense of security and safety comes to the fore, which it is the mother who provides him. Let's remember that after the Great Patriotic War, when millions of children grew up without fathers, excellent men grew up, including in Soviet orphanages.
Yes, sometimes it becomes difficult with a child, sometimes very hard, especially one; and when hands are lowered, it seems that there is simply no other way out except for the belt.
Actually there is. And more effective than a belt, and much easier. This is a systemic upbringing with knowledge of the characteristics of the child's psyche.
You can become such a "cunning" mother that it is easy to see the child through and through, to understand his every word, every whim, every trick.
Understanding what is in his head, you can even "shamelessly and treacherously" captivate him with anything - reading, study, sports, technology, music ….
You can easily make him the happiest child in the world, knowing exactly what he needs. All this is possible. When there is knowledge of system-vector psychology.
