Voices in the head - imprisonment in the skull
I remember how, after another blackout, I was sitting in the corner of the room under the windowsill and could not breathe. My soul writhed from pain piercing my whole being. His body was twisted in spasms, his mouth twisted in a silent scream. There was only one thought inside: “I shouldn't exist now. This is a mistake, this is a huge mistake. I shouldn't have been born. I want to disappear! " By that time, my mother had not spoken to me for two days. Just scornful glances that say, "I don't want you to be." Lord, take me out of here.
One awkward movement and the washed cup slipped out of my hands and fell to the floor. “Just be quiet,” I raised my cup in tension. "Krivorukaya!" The voice said. "It is by chance, it can happen to anyone!" - I snapped. “Krivoru-u-ukai… absurd, the very misunderstanding. The very fact of your life is one sheer misunderstanding! " I was shaking with indignation and powerlessness. I was so afraid of this voice in my head …
Childhood voice
Since childhood, my mother filled my whole Universe with her love. It is impossible to imagine dearer than a person. Was mom strict? Rarely. She furrowed her brows, spoke in a dry voice. And she went into another room. At such moments it seemed to me that the earth was crumbling under my feet and I was being sucked into some kind of black, terrible hole. I sat and tried to catch the slightest rustle through the wall. Will he forgive?
I was ready to do anything to change her anger to mercy. With joy and readiness, if only my mother smiled again. As warm as she knows how to do it. These misunderstandings were so rare. Overall, I was quite happy. I can say with confidence that just as my mother invested in me, few parents invest in their children.
At first glance, the situation is almost perfect. An extra-obedient child and an arch-loving mother. The combination of an unrealized skin-visual ligament on the one hand and an anal-visual ligament on the other often form a stable life scenario. This could be the story of the nicest girl in the world. But the presence of a sound vector changes everything. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains: the sound vector is dominant, it makes its own adjustments to any scenario.
The voice of youth
As I got older, I began to feel that it was more and more difficult for me to cope with my desires, it was more difficult for me to meet my mother's requirements. I’m friends with the wrong person, I don’t look like that, I said the wrong thing, I don’t want that… Mom, like in childhood, accompanied my every step. Only now her voice sounded more often now condemning, now mocking. What did I want myself? Like any sound engineer - don't get what. I wanted to hear the voice of Eternity, but more often I heard my own voices and those of my mother in eternal, incessant disputes and wrangles.
Mom became silent. For a long time. Avoid me, burden me. How to run away from me around the apartment from leprosy - God forbid you touch me with your eyes or your body. Her voice, gestures, look - her whole being told me: "You are nothing, I do not accept you into my life." That's how I heard it.
I remember how, after another blackout, I was sitting in the corner of the room under the windowsill and could not breathe. My soul writhed from pain piercing my whole being. His body was twisted in spasms, his mouth twisted in a silent scream. There was only one thought inside: “I shouldn't exist now. This is a mistake, this is a huge mistake. I shouldn't have been born. I want to disappear! " By that time, my mother had not spoken to me for two days. Just scornful glances that say, "I don't want you to be." Lord, take me out of here.
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan says that a sense of security and safety is the most necessary factor in the development of a child until puberty. It is provided by the environment - first of all, by the internal state of the mother and relations with her. For any child, losing a sense of security and safety is a tragedy. For the bearer of sound abstract intelligence, this tragedy is projected onto the entire surrounding world.
I hear a voice
My inner voice said that it would be safer for me to minimize contact with my mother. Her caustic, mocking comments accompanied my every step. But as soon as I spoke out in my defense, she finished me off with a multi-day boycott. As soon as I could, I tried to disappear, not to be.
The natural role of the sound vector is to recognize and comprehend meanings. And the extent to which he will be able to do this in life depends on the conditions for the development of the properties of the vector before puberty. The sound engineer is gifted with especially sensitive ears that allow you to hear sounds, intonations, words that carry these meanings. Through the ear, he has a direct connection with the psyche. Trauma received through loud noises or negative meanings always negatively affects the psyche.
What could be the trigger? At the sensory level - a cry, at the conscious level - humiliating, traumatic meanings. In both cases, in order to avoid painful effects, not to hear, the sound engineer withdraws into himself. He ceases to focus on the outside world, ceases to develop into the role assigned to him by nature. The psychosexual development of such a person is inhibited.
At some point, she spoke. Only I heard a voice not outside, but inside. I began to hear voices in my head - I did not know what to do. It happened somehow unnoticed for me. It's just that her comments began to accompany my every action. The voice said - unworthy, clumsy, stupid - sheer not. I tried to defend myself - at least here you can speak! But the dialogue often ended not in my favor.
Internal quarrels took all my strength, pissed off, led to complete decay. Sometimes, in the heat of an argument with my voice, I could not stand it and voiced part of the conversation out loud. People kept their eyes on me. "You go to hell with everything!" - I thought. It was not difficult to disperse people from themselves. But to run away from the voices …
Some carriers of the sound vector really hear voices in their heads - the reasons for this phenomenon, as system-vector psychology explains, are precisely in trauma through the ear. Fencing off from the perception of external information, the sound engineer may even lose the ability to learn by ear, the ability to concentrate outside. Not to perceive a painful signal, not to hear it - this goal can lead a person deep inside himself.
So deep that the natural balance of perception on both sides of the eardrum is disturbed. There is a bias that makes the sound engineer confuse the external and the internal. And then the meanings, voices in the head of the sound engineer begin to be perceived by him as voices from outside.
With any external stimulus, I became that compressed, small creature sitting in the corner under the windowsill, I heard voices in my head more and more clearly. I got used to voices, to the background that does not stop day or night. But over time, I began to notice that the “mother” in my head became an independent, autonomous being. She used words that my real mother never said. The voice did whatever it wanted in my head. Do not argue, do not convince, do not hide.
Sometimes I heard a voice that just repeated my name dozens of times in a row. She just called and called me. Neither questions nor responses could stop this voice. It just killed me. It was unbearable to hear voices in my head, there was no strength left, I did not want to live. I wanted to freeze, lie down and freeze forever. And not to exist anymore.
At the same time, I somehow led a social life. What drove me? Mother. That real mother who only wished me well. People who put their strength, their love, their goods into me. It went like a bottomless barrel. Many dropped their hands and moved away - you are a black hole! Yes, I am the Black Hole. And you can’t even imagine to what extent.
The voice of today
“Mom is everything to me. There is no man closer. I have never loved anyone so much, I have never trusted anyone so much. I am talking to a person - but in fact, I am talking to her. I achieve something in life - this is for her. I look at this world - and it is funny or sad, depending on her mood. She smiles - I am happy, she does not recognize me - I cease to exist. I hate someone - I hate her. Or yourself? I'm completely confused."
I was in this state only a few years ago. I had no idea what could be otherwise. How did I get to the training on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan? Like everyone else, "by accident." How did I get around all the windowsills and cut veins along the way? Anal catatonia and infantilism helped. I just didn't dare.
In a state of severe depression, the carrier of the sound vector can hear voices, rustles, noises. This happens sporadically as an alarming sign that a person is moving in the opposite direction from his specific role. When the hallucinations become persistent, the person is diagnosed with schizophrenia.
How have I not completely lost my mind? Heaven is merciful. Now I know it for sure. Every second of our life, wherever we are and whatever we do, they shine on us with equal power and love. Getting out of the shadows into this Light can be so difficult. Simply because you don't know where to go, you don't know how to understand, to realize what is happening to you. I did it - I did it. I learned what the sound vector in me is. I understood why childhood traumas sounded like voices in me. I know what voices in the head are - the reasons for this phenomenon and the ways out of it are also known to me.
I managed to understand that this whole world, its very structure is good. No, not to believe, but to understand. To build those causal relationships that I missed so much. I could understand that my mother loved and will always love me. I understood the reason for each of her actions, I felt her condition, her sufferings and desires as my own. Understood, realized, accepted. She loves me so much that if one day she reads these lines, she will be in the same pain as it once hurt me.
I forgive you mom. Forgive me and you, dear.
I advise everyone who hears voices in their heads and does not know what to do - come to the free online lectures on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. Nothing is over yet - everything is in your hands. I know what I'm talking about. Register using the link.
