Postpartum depression for a single mom: the desire to die instead of the happiness of motherhood
You don't want to think about what will happen tomorrow when your broken body is found. The kid will wake up, will be afraid that you are not there, will shout "mom" into the void. He will remain all alone in this world. But you just don't want to think about it. You don't want anyone to know about all these reflections - anyway, no one will understand. You are alone with this suffering …
When a child is born, everyone around them says that this is a great happiness. So you become a mother, and you are the happiest … in the opinion of other people. However, for some reason you don't have that very feeling of happiness.
Life changes
A difficult period of lack of sleep necessary for your body and mind begins abruptly. Some time after giving birth, swinging the baby in your arms, you suddenly catch yourself thinking horrible thoughts: “It would be better if he weren't, this endlessly screaming little body. Will such a nightmare continue for a lifetime? I want this child to fall asleep / disappear / die right now, and finally I can sleep peacefully! How is it possible that, as soon as you become a mother, you could think about it? After all, during pregnancy, you wanted to see your baby as soon as possible. You stroked your tummy and spoke affectionately with your unborn child. However, now you only dream of going back in time and having an abortion.
The horror of these thoughts cannot be described in words. You do not know what is happening to you. But you very clearly catch yourself becoming a “monster”.
Over time, the condition deteriorates rapidly. The desire to sleep accompanies every second of life. Added to the state of physical exhaustion is incessant weakness throughout the body. It takes a titanic effort to wake up and get out of bed. You do this every morning for one reason: your baby's basic physical needs.
Making coffee is an overwhelming task. Each action is taken with great difficulty. Communicating with people is incredibly difficult.
Not all women can experience such bad states, but only those with a certain set of mental properties - a sound vector. Privacy is vital for sound professionals. They love to be alone and quiet, to think about life.
With the birth of a child, sound mothers lose the opportunity to be alone. The child cannot wait to fulfill his desires. He needs constant attention and care, because he is born absolutely helpless.
The body and mind of the sound mother are exhausted from the impact on the erogenous, sensitive zone - the ear. A child's crying completely prevents you from concentrating on your thoughts. The cry of a child is felt as if someone is drilling the head with these sounds.
In the psyche of a woman with a sound vector, shortages begin to grow, and this process is increasing. It feels like an ever-increasing desire to be alone, as long as no one bothers, and it becomes increasingly difficult to go outside and care for your child.
Walking with the baby
During a walk with a child, accumulated fatigue often forces you to sleep, sitting on a bench, while the baby quietly sleeps in a stroller next to you.
It surprises you that other mothers come together in groups to walk with their children, talk to each other, laugh and have fun. How can it please them?
You always prefer to walk with your child alone. You plug headphones into your ears with your favorite hard rock at maximum volume, and it makes you feel a little better. Ten, twenty minutes, or maybe half an hour pass, and you realize that you don’t remember at all what songs were played in the playlist. During a walk you are alone with yourself, jerky confused thoughts rush through your head, and something is constantly aching in your chest …
And now the child wakes up, interrupting your chaotic stream of thoughts. It's time to urgently return home to feed the baby. “Why did you wake up? Couldn't sleep a little more ?! Feelings of inner heaviness and hopelessness weigh heavily on the soul after each awakening of the child. You are not at all happy with his sincere smile. The arms that the baby pulls towards you in order to hug you tighter are not encouraging either. This day will be no exception. Again, anger and irritation cover you with your head.
People with a sound vector are introverts who feel comfortable being alone with themselves, immersed in their thoughts. They are not drawn to other people, unlike, for example, people with a visual vector who need emotions from communicating with other people.
The soundman in a state of dissatisfaction feels the world around him as noisy and painful. Trying to get away from this pain, people with a sound vector put on headphones, fenced off from the outside world. Heavy rock drowns out all sounds around, giving you the opportunity to temporarily distance yourself from everything, relieve tension, and immerse yourself in yourself. The sound engineer feels a semblance of life, listening to music, filled with sensory.
However, this time does not last long and ends, because it is impossible to withdraw into oneself forever, not to hear anyone and nothing around and constantly live in this state. We have to return to real life, where people interact with each other every day. You have to return to your constantly demanding child.
Divine night
Constant twitching on the part of the child towards evening leads to a state of absolute moral emasculation. All day you are frantically waiting for the time to put your baby to bed, and the minutes, as luck would have it, drag on very slowly. Oh, this is the time of heavenly bliss when your child is sleeping! Finally, the long-awaited silence in the house comes.
You go to the balcony, open the windows, inhale the delightful smell of the night and enjoy the starry sky of extraordinary beauty. What a pity the night ends so quickly. Only at night do you come to life for a while. You feel calm. Nobody pulls you, does not force you to constantly lose your temper. The time of long-awaited silence, darkness and loneliness is coming.
Vector sound people often stay awake at night exploring the internet. With the onset of morning, these people feel that they are falling asleep. The first half of the day passes as in a dream: the sound specialists feel lethargy, weakness in the body; attention is scattered. This is what they say in the morning: "I am still sleeping." At this time, for example, people with a skin vector feel vigorous, active, full of strength and energy. The sound people wonder where everyone around them gets these same forces early in the morning to wake up, go to work and do business. The situation changes dramatically in the evening. People with a sound vector feel energized. The ability to concentrate on the world around you increases. Sound specialists behave at night as actively as other people during the day. Night is the life time for a sound engineer.
Breakdowns on a child
Unfortunately, the child cannot always fall asleep quickly. His sleep is especially light when teeth are teething. These days, your torment is exacerbated at times. Unable to bear the child's cry, you start to beat the child. Strongly, painfully, repeatedly, voluptuously. The feeling that at this moment the monster inside you is guiding your body. The kid is already screaming excitedly, not understanding why he is being hurt. You hear a special children's cry, which is different from daily crying: a cry filled with tremendous mental pain and colossal fear for salvation from the bullying of his own mother. But you're not getting better yet! You keep striking the baby's body with your palm, wanting to punish the baby for your suffering. You revel in the insane state of the child, into which you drove him with your merciless beating. It blows your head completely, and a frantic one breaks out of you,an eerily scary and loud cry: “Sleep, to whom I told! Sleep!!! Sleep!!!"
Having poured out all the accumulated anger on the little baby body, you leave the room, leaving the crying baby in the crib. You cry nonstop outside the door, not wanting to come back and calm the beaten baby. But, after a while, approaching him again, seeing red marks from blows on his delicate childish skin, you suddenly realize the whole horror of the situation. Feelings of guilt wash over your mind. “How could I? He is still quite a toddler, defenseless and helpless. What kind of mother am I? Why was he born to me? Why is this suffering to him? He would have been better with another mom."
You have to put up with gnawed wounds on the chest during feeding. As the baby grows up, he sometimes bites on the chest. The child is small, he is interested in new sensations. He also chuckles, squeezing his chest with sharp front teeth. In the moments when you no longer have the strength to experience physical pain, you again break down and begin to beat the child. A second later, the joyful laughter of the baby is replaced by the same special desperate loud cry. Rather, you are trying to plug your little screaming mouth with your chest so that it stops tearing your head with these unbearable sounds. The baby drinks your milk and calms down. You beat the kid and you calm down too. Your anger goes away almost instantly. You are already stroking the child's handles and you feel the surface of your palm, how the child's skin burns in the places that you just hit with hatred. You sincerely want the baby's pain to go away as soon as possible, because somewhere in your heart you love your child very much and are ready to give your life for him at any moment. These feelings are in such deep depths of the soul that they are extremely rare.
After another frenzy of beating, you simultaneously feel a tremendous sense of guilt before your own baby and boundless hatred for yourself and your actions. You hate the fact that every second a hole in your soul successfully suppresses your resistance to it, wins your battle and completely absorbs all of you: body, mind, soul and, as a result, life that constantly passes by. Life that you don't feel as if it doesn't exist. There is a feeling that only a shell, consisting of skin, bones, muscles and blood, is alive in you. And inside everything is dead and black, there is not even a minimal spark of light that can revive your essence and give at least some hope that everything can change for the better.
The sound vector is dominant, which means that the lack of sound oppresses the desires of other vectors. When the sound vector is not filled, a person tries to relieve this tension from himself. Children very often suffer - those who are weaker, more helpless. For this reason, breakdowns occur precisely in the child, in whom the mother sees the source of her suffering.
People with an anal vector in a state of severe frustration, being the most caring in potential, both women and men, tend to beat their children. Family and children are the main values in life for them.
In a state of scarcity, the potentially most caring mother becomes cruel to her baby. Beating is only anal. The mother beats the child with voluptuousness, relieving herself of the inner tension of mental deficiencies, and then feels guilty for these actions.
Children's psyche is very fragile, as it has not yet been formed. The kid loses his sense of security and safety during beatings, stops in his mental development. If a child is beaten with a skin vector, he begins to steal, trying to restore the biochemistry of the brain, in other words, to feel the feeling of security and safety lost during the beatings. In the future, such a child develops a stable life scenario for failure, the desire to experience pain - masochism. If an anal baby is beaten, he plunges into a state of severe resentment, which then inhibits his whole life. The visual baby remains in a state of fear, becomes unable to fully realize his potential in love and empathy.
Hate weekend
On weekends, in the morning, you call your mother to take your child to her home, coming up with a story on the go that you have a lot of urgent matters. During the conversation, you are afraid that the mother will refuse your request and you will be forced to spend the whole day with your child. If your mom agrees to be with the baby, you feel a huge spiritual relief. You take the child to her, return to your empty house and instantly feel inner peace.
Staying with you over the weekend is a nightmare. The kid needs to eat, he needs to play with him, he needs some water, he wants to walk. He is constantly asking for something! But not seeing your attention, he begins to cry and be capricious. You break down on him, screaming furiously so that he stops crying, because your brain takes it out. But your actions do not help, but only exacerbate the situation. The baby cries even louder!
Unable to withstand such a moral load, you silently leave the room onto the balcony so that his cry does not drill new holes in your head. You take a cigarette, inhale, exhale smoke, inhale, exhale … It doesn't help to calm down. And the child does not stop screaming in the room, calling you to be with him, tapping his palms on the glass of the balcony door. This sound causes a powerful wave of irritation in you. You turn, you see the eyes of the baby full of tears. His gaze is saturated with hope for love and attention to him. At these moments, your heart breaks from your own powerlessness and meaninglessness of such a life. You feel like a complete insignificance, because you are powerless in front of the hole that gapes inside you and becomes larger and larger.
Play with your child? This is an impossible task for you. You are not interested in this, you do not see the point in this. By the way, you don't see any meaning at all: the meaning of your life, the meaning of becoming a mother. You don't see the point in why you were born at all, if at the moment you feel like a walking dead person.
Natural desire, given in the sound vector, is the disclosure of the meaning of life. Such people from early childhood ask questions of the structure of the world, are interested in the exact sciences, mathematics, physics, astronomy, philosophy, music. “And if I fly high, high, will I reach the end?”, “If nothing happens, then what will happen?”. Such questions remain unanswered, giving rise to new questions in the head of the little sound engineer.
The feeling of meaninglessness that a woman experiences during depression arises from the unfulfilled desire for the sound vector. Everything is meaningless, there is no meaning in life - this is how it feels.
The sound mother goes deeper and deeper into herself, trying to focus on her thoughts. It is becoming more and more difficult for her to get out of her inner world to take care of the baby and take an active part in his life. Such a woman seeks answers to her inner questions in herself, within herself, finding nothing there but silence. It makes it harder every day.
I want to die
Another routine morning comes. You open your eyes and see that your baby is still sleeping. You lie quietly in bed, trying not to move, hoping that he will not wake up soon. You look at the ceiling, but you don't see it at all. You often have this look: a long one, directed at one point, but in fact, nowhere. At such moments, you are absent from this world, hearing absolutely no sounds, you go deep into yourself.
You are no longer able to endure the constant colossal suffering of the soul. This morning you first wake up with the thought that you want to die: quietly, quickly, painlessly. Get out of this hellish life. A very strange, pleasant sensation arises. For the first time in several years, something starts to warm you from the inside. This is something - suicidal thoughts.
You imagine how everything will happen, savoring every detail of these reflections. In the evening of this day, your child will go to bed as usual. You will carefully cover him with a blanket, admiring him for the last time as he sleeps like a little angel. You will kiss the head of your baby, feeling the incomparable smell of his hair. Be sure to leave the night light on so that the child is not scared when he wakes up. You will leave the apartment, looking at her for the last time. Close the door with the key very quietly so as not to wake the baby. Slowly climb the steps to the very top of the house. Standing on the roof, you gaze into the sky full of twinkling stars. You will think that the night, as always, is divine. But there is no longer the strength to live in this world in which you feel permanent, increasing suffering. You imagine how you spread your arms to the sides and, finally,end it all.
You don't want to think about what will happen tomorrow when your broken body is found. The kid will wake up, will be afraid that you are not there, will shout "mom" into the void. He will remain all alone in this world. But you just don't want to think about it. You don't want anyone to know about all these reflections - anyway, no one will understand. You are alone with this suffering.
It seems to you that you will become completely free, having decided to take a desperate step towards death, you will stop suffering, stop hurting the child. You imagine that when the baby grows up, he will definitely be happy. You are convinced that the child can understand and forgive you.
Suicidal thoughts become persistent. You do not want to think about death, but these thoughts themselves penetrate deeply into the head and take root there ever more firmly. The only thought that still turns out to be stronger and keeps you in this world is the thought that no one else will look after your baby. And when your child finishes school, who will support him at the graduation party? Who will share the child's happiness when he decides to start a family? What if your child ever wants to just hug you and say how much he misses you? He will look at your photos and imagine what his mother was like, unaware of how hellishly her soul suffered.
All people associate themselves with their body. Only the sound engineer separates the body as something alien and the consciousness - his I. In the state of non-fullness of the sound vector, suicidal thoughts arise. The person who is contemplating suicide has no intention of killing himself. He intends to get rid of the suffering of the soul and … is wrong.
Suicide is the only action directed against the main law of preservation of life. At the point of no return, an amazing phenomenon arises - the psyche wants to preserve itself at all costs. But it's too late … The soundman flies down. And then the psyche experiences colossal suffering from the inability to preserve itself. This suffering is so intense that a person dies before reaching the ground.
Is there a way out?
Anyone who has never experienced the above-described states is not able to understand how powerful this hell of incessant growing torment is. You are absolutely ready to give everything in order to live a normal life. But who is able to point the right direction towards the exit from this black hole? Who can tell you why your life has come down to the reality in which you are now surviving? Why do some people enjoy motherhood while others plunge into postpartum depression? Who will answer, is there a way out at all and is it possible to start living a full and happy life, getting rid of the most severe mental suffering forever?
The solution to the problem is in its awareness
Suicide will never make you free. Once you cross the line, nothing can be fixed. Only while living here and now in this world do you have the opportunity to find what your soul is looking for - the huge meaning of this world and all life in it, which can easily be realized at the training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan. When you realize the unconscious desires hidden from us, your psyche is filled in the sound vector. The soundman receives answers to the questions he was asked from early childhood. A new life begins - filled and meaningful, thoughts of suicide no longer come to mind. Many people have forever got rid of the worst state of depression, suicidal thoughts and have lasting results.
This article was written with deep gratitude to Yuri Burlan and the team for saving the life of the once lonely and suffering sonic mother.
