Family relationship crisis. Psychologist's advice
In our home kitchens, we are still discussing the likelihood of a second economic crisis … However, we should be no less afraid of the consequences of the crisis of a somewhat different kind. They don't warn about him in economic news, they don't write in analytical publications, they don't talk about them on social networks. This is a crisis in family relationships.
In our home kitchens, we are still discussing the likelihood of a second economic crisis - a topic that is exciting, alarming, embarrassing in its uncertainty. However, the consequences of the crisis of a somewhat different kind should scare us no less. They do not warn about him in economic news, do not write in analytical publications, do not talk about it on social networks. This is a crisis in family relationships, which can destroy our family happiness much faster than inflation and job loss.
How to recognize the outlines of an impending crisis in family relationships? How to survive and keep the family? What can be done to continue to be an exception to the rule that all marriages are subject to the devastating effects of crises?
Family life crises: from one to twenty
According to sociologists, family crises follow spouses in their life together on the heels, from the very first to the last years of their union. And almost everyone who could not cope with the test of their feelings for strength, in the future, for a long time to suffer from old wounds, resentments, depression.
The crisis of the first year and the crisis of three years often turn into gaps: not knowing how and not wanting to solve the problem, young spouses come to the hasty conclusion that they have made the wrong choice. And they consider the most simple and correct solution to break the "defective" relationship. Statistics say that in the first year crisis, newlyweds often file for divorce after the very first serious quarrel …
A lot of trials await a couple when their first child appears: the crises of family life associated with this event, like a knife, reveal all the problems that have appeared in the relationship of two people. Resentment, mutual reproaches, unwillingness to help and take the side of the other, and as a result - an increasingly likely "escape" of the husband, who could not stand the hell of family life (escape to work, to his mistress, to his mother - there are a lot of variations).
During the five-year crisis, some families that have experienced all the horrors of the past are facing the following problem: the wife, after maternity leave, finally finds the longed-for freedom and has a lover (or goes headlong into work, forgetting about her husband). Why is that? Life at home is tired, maternal troubles are tired, my husband enrages - what do you want to do, how not to spin an affair? And again everything collapses, a crisis in relationships sets in: families fall apart like houses of cards, old relationships are bursting at the seams, people are disappointed in love and family life, and children suffer from painful parental divorces.
The crisis of family relations for seven years again tests the strength of the unions that have resisted collapse. Spouses bore each other corny, besides, they are tormented by their own midlife crises, when they tend to reconsider many of their decisions and radically change the direction of the chosen life path. Cheating? Conflicts? Growing misunderstanding and alienation? Yes, all this is a 7-9 year crisis.
What if the wife stopped loving? What if the husband hits his wife?
The picture turns out to be rather bleak. But she will not be much more optimistic if you take a closer look at each individual family with its problems, difficulties, "diseases".
Here is one newly-made wife crying into a friend's waistcoat: “The husband does not want a child! Can you imagine? Why did I marry him then? He hates children! " - and a stream of tears.
And the other, with despair in her voice, confesses: "Mom, I don't love my husband - what to do now?" Mom consoles, asks to be patient - or to leave the unloved person …
The spouse, of course, feels that his wife treats him differently than before. And he is in vain looking for an answer to the question of what to do if his wife has stopped loving, drowns grief in wine, plunges into resentment and stupor, and then "finds" himself in dirty trolling on the Web …
The third one suffers from the fact that her husband does not fulfill the function of a breadwinner in the family: who goes to junior specialists for a year and brings home not a salary, but two pieces of paper for seeds. And if the husband does not work at all, then what else to do, how not to get a divorce and start looking for a more wealthy character?
Although all this is probably just flowers compared to the tragedy that happened in the Kabanov family: he beat - she was silent, allowing him to go further and further. And he went in - strangled, and dismembered the body and carried it out of the house. Then he lied very convincingly, blatantly, evoking a sea of sympathy from everyone who knew him and his murdered wife.
After this sensational story, some women, who from time to time suffer from the verbal and physical sadism of their husbands, thought hard: “What to do if my husband insults and beats? What if I'm next?"
All these problems at a cursory glance seem so different, unlike one another: all these family crises, estrangement of spouses, mutual irritation, hypertrophied jealousy, pathological lies, sadism, hysteria. Meanwhile, they are not so different. More precisely, not the same problems (although they can be systematized), but the reasons that cause them. And she's just one. We hate, get annoyed, get angry, get offended, quarrel, shout, break dishes, throw tantrums, suffer, weep, take revenge, hurt, fight, get divorced, and even kill - for one single reason. We initially DO NOT UNDERSTAND the nature of man, at least somewhat different from us. Everything else - all these: "I hate my husband, what to do?" and "Wife got it, what to do?" - a consequence of this misunderstanding.
What if the husband is a goat?
Any other article could have put a full stop at this point. Well, we don't understand - and we don't understand. As they wrote on the Internet: "What if the husband is a goat?" - so we will write. Just think, the discovery of the century: it has long been known that each of us speaks his own language and pulls the blanket over himself in relationships, and it is not possible to get into everyone's head.
It is not for nothing that psychologists "missed" Vinogradov, for example, who more than once complained to them of depression and spoke out loud about his intentions (and what can we say about those of us who hide our thoughts deep inside). It's not for nothing that psychologists shrug their shoulders when faced with cases of the most brutal murders in the midst of a family crisis, committed by people who, after all their tests, turn out to be mentally healthy and sane specimens …
However, it's too early to put an end to it. The training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan is a real breakthrough in the field of knowledge about man, about his nature and true needs. And the study of this science gives the same thing that was previously considered impossible: a complete understanding of all the causes and consequences of the crisis of family relations, troubles and family conflicts; understanding of a person who is dear to you (or was once so).
Understanding what to do if the husband is annoying, cheating, lying, jealous, a loving wife will be able to maintain family happiness. And from now on he will not let his marriage come to the next edge. And, yes, it will prevent any other relationship crisis. If a husband beats his wife, what to do, she will also know for sure.
Understanding what to do if the wife is "hysterical", sadist, bad mother, lousy housewife or real careerist, a loving husband will not run away to his mother or someone else's wife, but will try to save the family. Because it is more than real.
How it works?
People marry not only because of love, but also in order to make it easier, more pleasant, more comfortable for them to live, satisfying their needs for love, security, care, peace. Not being able to competently realize these desires, we try to subdue our spouse, manipulate him in order to realize these needs at his expense … Alas, in this state of affairs, family crises, the growth of mutual alienation and misunderstanding are inevitable.
Things are much worse when the behavior of the spouses affects the safety and health of one of them. For example, if a husband beats his wife, what should she do in this case - flee immediately, or is there a hope that he will correct himself? And if, on the contrary, she harasses him with regular tantrums, scandals, constantly knocking down his heart rate and leading to a heart attack?
As soon as you start to track your actions, understand the reason for your states and their manifestations (mood, words, actions in relation to your half), there is a chance to stop yourself and stop your spouse (s), no matter what the problem is, stop manipulating those who closest to you.
The husband is jealous - what to do? Understand your own and his set of vectors, as well as what provokes the husband to manifest these feelings. What is this - a skin feeling of possessiveness, expressed by torment and self-torture? Or the anal "mine to the grave", expressed by everyday sadism? Or maybe these are visual "cheats" with loud scenes and tears in your eyes? The state of jealousy is very voluminous and can manifest itself in different ways in different vectors.
And if the husband is an alcoholic, what should the wife do? To understand why a loved one goes into alcohol, what problems he does not want to solve, what shortages and suffering he wants to drown out. So, if this is an anal sex, the craving for alcohol can be explained by the disagreements in sexual life, resentment, personal lack of fulfillment.
What if my husband is out walking? To realize that your husband's and you have a different attitude to cheating (and they may well be opposite) and this is not the result of correct or incorrect upbringing, the presence of moral and ethical foundations, and not even an indicator of sincerity of feelings. The attitude towards cheating is determined by a set of vectors: for a person with an anal vector this is unacceptable, for a fickle skin person it is a trifle of life and a common thing, for a polygamous urethral person it is a reason to get angry, but soon forget everything.
What if the husband hits his wife? This serious problem also has its roots, and it should not be left to chance, because the consequences can be very dire. A frustrated man with an anal vector - the one responsible for domestic sadism - can never stop and stop tyrannizing his woman without realizing the roots of his problem.
There can be an infinite number of such questions regarding the difficulties of family life. And you can find the answer to everything. But, perhaps, the most valuable thing that can be learned through the training "System-vector psychology" is the ability to enjoy marriage, not at the expense of the other, but with him. By implementing this ability in practice, you will stop asking questions like: "What to do if your husband is lying?" - because it won't be necessary.