Loneliness and emptiness: what's behind my elusive life
Man is born and dies alone - yes. But the period of time between these two events is the degree of our fullness of connections with each other from the earliest years to the end of days.
A mannequin stands in a glass showcase, reflecting artificial lighting with glossy plastic, humbly leaving himself to someone else's will, with a face that does not express vitality. All it consists of is loneliness and emptiness, plus a kilogram of polymer. I look at him as if mesmerized, as if suddenly meeting his own double, and I try to urgently find at least two differences with myself. Does not work.
The same emptiness inside and a booming sound that happens in a lifeless apartment, head or life. The same complete absence of emotion, as in a sluggish state of inert movement in the stream of what is called a series of events. The same detachment, loneliness and facelessness. And only somewhere in the depths of my eyes, if you look into them a little longer, you can see despair, lack of hope and at the same time a prayer.
When loneliness and emptiness are your inner essence
My feeling of loneliness was born with me, or even earlier. Already in kindergarten there was a feeling of an outside observer. I am, as it were, ousted from the general process, from the general interaction. I am not in the middle of what is happening. It turns out that all people are interconnected by invisible contact threads that tie them into a common ball and regulate their activity. I have no such threads.
Loneliness is my essence, emptiness flooded my shores. And I can’t emerge … alone. Pain is all that's left of me.
I don't seem to mind - this state has been habitual for a long time and my loneliness protects me, but somewhere on the back of my consciousness something is scraping that I have no desire to admit even to myself. This is some kind of soreness, some kind of hint of understanding that this should not be so.
What loneliness signals
Man is born and dies alone - yes. But the period of time between these two events is the degree of our fullness of connections with each other from the earliest years to the end of days. This can be easily traced to life satisfaction. Everyone knows the story of Robinson Crusoe and the fact that he was not doing very well.
Therefore, I try to understand - where did my loneliness come from, was I really born doomed to loneliness and it was and will always be so? To say that everything is in order is easy only in public. Another thing is that the state of loneliness is oppressive, it hurts, and it is difficult to get used to the pain.
The feeling of loneliness and longing is familiar to the modern Robinsons without any island. On the contrary - finding himself in the very crowd of people, in the subway, in line, on the bus, at work, a person acutely experiences this inner feeling of complete detachment, separateness, like a spectator watching a change of scenery of an absurd cheap performance, which, moreover, has to be watched in a different way will.
Feelings of loneliness and uselessness
Looking at others, I clearly feel my strong difference from them, my loneliness. We are like two different species. Moreover, there is a keen feeling that I did evolve into a man, and they still remained Neanderthals at the lower stage of evolution. With these "problems" of theirs and the questions they are driven by, for example:
- relationships, family, children;
- money, career;
- power, politics;
- travels;
- new gadgets, etc.
All these topics are not able to make me move my thoughts, because all this is so alien to me, imperceptible and far away, as if I and other people were residents of different galaxies.
I see all their groaning as a fuss of ants, and a feeble attempt to feel one with society once again failed a thousand years ago, having no chance of existence. Every day I feel more and more acutely my complete loneliness, my dissimilarity, otherness, I feel like an alien in relation to humanity.
Loneliness and me: years of confrontation
I have long despaired of feeling like one of them, and this ringing emptiness and loneliness inside scares me. People who are you? What am I doing among you? When this is over, how do I get out of here?..
And only personal space in your own head does not allow you to completely go crazy. I am constantly floating between the worlds inside myself, unable to feel alive those outside, my brain is busy with the only question: where am I and what am I doing here.
Depression and loneliness are my other self. The desire to sleep and never wake up so as not to be here is all that matters. And sleep turns into an escape from life.
The state of desperate loneliness and emptiness is reinforced by the fact that my own body I feel like a cage, and life is like serving a prison sentence because of someone's very unfunny joke. And if you exist, God, then I ask only one thing - give me the opportunity and strength to understand what is the meaning of all this chaos that you have created, and where is my place in it.
Loneliness is not a sentence
The answer came from whence it was not expected. Internet, sometimes it can be useful.
It is obvious that the feeling of loneliness and emptiness is not a physical problem, but a psychological one. All the above described states are associated with a special mental structure of people like me - people with a sound vector, which in the entire scope of manifestations is revealed by Yuri Burlan at the training "System-vector psychology".
The owners of the sound vector, one of the eight existing vectors of the psyche, stand out from the general number by their desire for the immaterial, for the knowledge of the hidden roots of what is happening, of all that exists. Such a person is not satisfied with what modern reality can offer, the sound vector has no material interests, he is even burdened with his own body and the need to take care of it, feed it … In various spiritual practices, esoteric movements, in music, philosophy and science, sound scientists are looking for what something that would give them the opportunity to explain what is happening and find meaning.
Often the sound person is all directed in search, and the meaning of life is his main motive. He is driven by a passionate desire to understand - "What animates my body, why was it given to me and how to turn the body into an ally?"
I'm lonely - what am I doing wrong
Not finding answers to their questions, the bearer of the sound vector increasingly feels the illusory nature of the world around him, his isolation from it, his own difference. This creates a feeling of loneliness and emptiness of unbearable strength.
Such a state, when the most important desires of the psyche do not find an opportunity for realization, is called lack, frustration - in the sound vector it is manifested by depression. And the longer this state continues, the more the lack grows, like a black hole, absorbing its owner from within.
Unconsciously feeling this depth within himself, the sound engineer is focused on it. And sometimes he is forced to follow the deliberately false path of more and more immersion in himself, in the depths of depersonalization and introversion, he tries to find answers to his questions inside himself, suffers from loneliness and emptiness, tries to at least somehow anesthetize his soul, but in vain.
The problem is that, abstracting from other people, as from unnecessary ballast, a person pushes himself into loneliness and deprives him of a chance for understanding. Cognition of his I, to which he unconsciously aspires, is possible only among other people.
The cure for loneliness and emptiness
Being in this state, recognizing yourself in the description of the sound vector is like pulling out a lucky ticket to reality. It turns out that I am not the only one in the whole Universe and there is even a chance to meet my own kind - the same sufferers from loneliness, owners of a sound vector.
And to understand that the loneliness experienced at the moment of a heightened sense of division of the world into “me and everyone else” is a product of a misunderstanding of oneself, one's characteristics, desires and ways of achieving them. It's like suffering all your life from the fact that a fish can't live on land, and suddenly a discovery - it turns out that it just needs water.
And other people seem to be biorobots exactly until you begin to distinguish between their desires as well as your own, until you realize that we all live and how we are connected.
For every word and action of another person, system-vector psychology reveals a whole life filled with its ups and downs, its pain, its desires and goals. In some incomprehensible way, this turns out to be insanely interesting and addictive - cognition, disclosure of the psyche of another, and in fact, our common psyche.
Feeling the joy of communicating with other people, suddenly seeing their motives, their experiences, realizing that they have finally turned from flat layouts into people just like you, and forgetting your loneliness is indescribable and very strong. It inspires, inspires and animates the whole world around. And there are already more than 20.5 thousand such results.
It is important to understand that loneliness and emptiness inside is not a sentence, but an unequivocal signal for action to implement what your psyche so longs for - knowing yourself.
All who are ready for decisive breakthroughs in awareness, who are tired and desperate to endure loneliness and suffer from emptiness, we invite you to find out for yourself exactly and definitely that loneliness is actually an illusion caused by limited thinking.
