Can't say NO! - norm or pathology?
Unfortunately, to resolve the issue, it is not enough just to voice it and outline theoretically possible ways. Indeed, even with similar symptoms, the roots of the problem may be different.
It is important to find where the legs grow from, to deeply understand the causes and effects, and only then it is possible to develop sensible individual recommendations and find a way out that will be different for everyone …
Unusual sick leave
-Timur, how do you feel? Are you ready to tell us about your problem? the big-eyed girl-psychotherapist asked sympathetically.
- D-d-I think so! - answered a strong middle-aged man. Timur's open face lit up with a modest smile. Despite the determined attitude, something betrayed excitement.
Handsome men's hands deliberately lay flat on their knees, but were clenched into fists. From time to time, he unclenched them to wipe sweaty palms on his jeans, and then his hands returned to their previous position.
And, of course, the treacherous trembling of speech - not even a stutter, but rather a slight hitch - always indicated a state of extreme excitement, anxiety or anxiety.
Timur trusted the people in the room. These were his unfortunate colleagues - patients of the day psychosomatic clinic, who gathered here day after day for 6–8 weeks.
They attentively listened to lectures on stress, insomnia, depression, performed practical tasks on relaxation and concentration, learned to adequately perceive and describe their emotions and sensations, played sports and drawing, talked with psychologists and social therapists. And once a week they gathered in this room to listen to the confession of one of the group members.
Nervous collapse
Today was Timur's turn. His theme: "I can't say no" was close to many. Everyone waited with interest for his story.
- Tell us, Timur, how and why you got here.
“It s-s-happened unexpectedly. In fact, my wife was waiting for a place on this course. She has already been to this clinic several times. And not only in this … And then I was covered.
- And what does "cover" mean? Can you describe in more detail?
- I am usually very calm, patient, reasonable … And then I went off the rails.
I was given extra hours at work d-d-while my colleague was on maternity leave. The roof is leaking at home, my wife has asked me for a long time to fix it. And then the car broke down. Without a car, we have no way with such a large family. So he took up the car.
Bought parts, p-p-prepared tools. Just got down to work, the director calls. Another colleague fell ill, and we must marry him. I hate to be interrupted during work! Well, I think, okay, I'll calmly finish it in the evening.
I returned home, turned on the light in the garage, opened the hood … My wife enters:
- I thought you'd finally take care of the roof today! They promised to rain for the weekend, it will drip again.
Here the daughter runs:
- Dad, I have a dance performance today, you promised to come.
- Dead, will you fix the car before nightfall? Will you pick us up after disco? And then Sankin's father can't today, - the elder shouts from the window.
Before I could answer everyone, the phone in my pocket was ringing. D-d-friends are yelling into the phone where I have disappeared, the floor needs to be re-finished, but without me the work does not go.
Well, then I was short. He yelled at his wife, threw the wrench with all the foolishness. Not only did he almost knock the car door through and through, he jumped back and fell on his daughter's leg. She is in tears. The wife screams. My son came running to the screams, I hit him on the head. From all this noise in the house, the kids woke up and also screamed.
I kicked everyone out of the garage … and how can we destroy everything! I have such an order there - everything has its own shelf, drawer, hook. Everything is thought out to the details, done by hand. And I staged a real pogrom, I left no stone unturned. He scratched the car, hurt his hand, knocked his leg down with a stool …
I don’t remember what happened next. My wife said when the door was opened, I was sitting on the floor, breathing heavily and holding my heart.
They called an ambulance and pumped it out. When I came to my senses and realized what I had done, I almost fell through the ground. What a shame! I didn't want to live. So my wife called here the professor who led her last time. The doctor said that she was on pills anyway, and I urgently needed to do something about it. If we both go to bed, who will look after the children? We have seven of them.
The room sighed sympathetically.
NOT solving the problem
- Timur, you have been here for three weeks. Responsibly do all the procedures, follow the recommendations, talk with specialists. Where do you see your problem?
- So I didn’t understand until the last what, in fact, my problem. I thought it was a nervous breakdown that never happens. You have already explained to me in the sessions that I cannot say no to people. That we need to learn to “watch out for our boundaries”, not to let people “sit on their heads”.
The audience perked up. Opinions are divided:
- And I, too, can not refuse. If asked, I run to help. And people quickly cut it through and begin to abuse it.
- Here, here, familiar! If you suddenly refuse, you immediately become bad. Everyone just wants to use!
- And for me it is not a question at all. Saying no is like spitting. The time itself is not enough, I will still spend on everyone!
… After that, the group discussed for a long time the methods of "correct failures" proposed by the specialist:
- Take a break, don't agree right away.
- Suggest another solution.
- Value your time, prioritize.
- Don't try to be good to everyone.
- Talk about your feelings.
- Do not apologize.
- Practice saying no in front of the mirror.
The lesson was lively. People shared life situations, were indignant at the ingratitude of those around them, wondered how others manage to calmly refuse those who ask and maintain their famous boundaries.
On an emotional upsurge, the patients thanked Timur for an important topic and dispersed, satisfied with the thought that they were not alone in their painful reliability.
Someone took a goal in the future to be more persistent, someone decided to resume the abandoned training with a mirror - in the hope that this time they will give results. And someone sadly thought: "All this is good in theory, but how to apply it in life, when they expect, ask, demand from you ?!"
So what's the point?
Unfortunately, to resolve the issue, it is not enough just to voice it and outline theoretically possible ways. Indeed, even with similar symptoms, the roots of the problem may be different.
It is important to find where the legs grow from, to deeply understand the causes and effects, and only then can we develop sensible individual recommendations and find a way out that will be different for everyone.
Such an opportunity is provided by the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan.
All people are different. And this difference is due to innate qualities and abilities that affect interests and hobbies, methods of communication with people, and the perception of life in general.
For example, for a person with a skin vector, saying “no” is natural, like breathing. He is a limitation. And in the sense of preserving cherished borders, personal space, and inviolability. And in the sense of the ability to organize yourself (your working time, leisure, strength) and others (distribute responsibilities, control the results).
A person with an anal vector has other guidelines - to help, to take care of another is his natural need. "Not!" - skinny key. The owner of the anal vector offers help himself. And of course, "if he does, then in a big way." With feeling, really, arrangement. Qualitatively. So that there is no shame in front of people.
The ability to enjoy helping people depends on the conditions of growing up and the formation of a personality, as well as on how much a person has managed to realize his innate properties in adulthood.
If the development of events is unfavorable, the reliability can become unhealthy.
Addicted to praise
One of the main reasons for painful reliability comes from childhood. The most significant person in the life of the owner of the anal vector is mom. She gave life, and it is equally impossible to return this debt to her.
A child with an anal vector unconsciously seeks to please his mother with his obedience, impeccable behavior, and academic success. And just as unconsciously waiting for the approval necessary for spiritual comfort and full development.
The problem can arise from a lack of adequate response to the child's efforts.
When a mother is in not very good conditions, does not receive the necessary support and emotional response from her husband, she may unconsciously try to make up for her shortages at the expense of the child. Manipulating a child's obedience with the anal vector is not difficult, but it can have dire consequences.
For example, if a mother praises excessively, undeservedly, or, conversely, does not praise where necessary, a person grows up who is pathologically dependent on praise, on the opinions of others, who wants to be good for everyone, unable to say “no” even where necessary.
Lack of implementation
The main values of the anal vector are family, respect and honor of others.
The owners of this vector are distinguished by excellent memory and golden hands, the ability and ability to collect the experience of generations, to generalize, structure and transfer it to others.
But if something goes wrong - for example, a family has broken up, and bad experience does not allow building a new one, or a person chooses a profession not by vocation, but following the advice of parents, prestige or fashion - dissatisfaction with life grows.
The desire to be an exemplary family man and a specialist in his field, receiving deserved respect and praise, stumbles upon a bleak reality. A person may have the idea that total reliability is able to return the feeling of "I'm good" and compensate for mental pain. But if the desire to help everyone and everything does not come from the heart, but only in an attempt to get the missing positive response, it does not fill. Discontent with life is only increasing.
When the innate sense of balance of such a person is focused on himself, it forces him to strictly monitor wages. No, the leatherworker will demand money or counter services from you. A man with an anal vector expects gratitude and respect. Waits long and patiently. A good memory keeps track of the effort expended and the help provided. Not receiving the well-deserved response and praise, he feels how the scales of his even soul are twisted. The response can be resentment, aggression, or even revenge as an attempt to level the bias.
And what about Timur - a norm or a pathology?
Timur's desire to help everyone is not pathological. He got lucky. He grew up in a large family, there was always enough work: to help the elders in the household, to work in the garden, to chop wood, to babysit the kids.
Help was perceived naturally and normally, and was not considered a feat. The lack of praise was compensated by the fact that in a large family all children were treated equally, without privileges.
The parents managed to harmoniously raise the boy. Timur grew up a good man. He is open to life with its tasks, difficulties, troubles.
He managed to bring to life the natural inclinations of the anal vector as much as possible. After the tenth grade, the guy entered the pedagogical department and is now teaching labor education at school. He took place as a husband and father of a large family.
A natural desire to help people, responsibility, scrupulous attitude to any business made Timur an ideal "rescuer", a person to whom everyone is happy to turn for help and advice. And he helps with pleasure. After all, if they ask, then they trust, respect, remember.
In his case, the inability to refuse is not the essence of the problem, much less the cause of a nervous breakdown.
But the need to quickly switch and do many things at the same time is a serious stress. The owner of the anal vector is not just in the modern world of speeds. To be perfect in everything and at once is unrealistic. And not to be like that is intolerable.
He is able to endure for a long time, but sooner or later fatigue from constant stress heats up to the limit. This can lead to serious consequences, including a heart attack. Even a developed and fulfilled person can get into a situation of prolonged stress from overload, which he is not able to adapt.
So it happened with Timur. The accumulated tension burst outward with an aggressive outburst that frightened both Timur himself and his family.
Of course, in the clinic, he gradually came to his senses, calmed down, talked with those who are "even worse." But he returned home with the same trouble-free Timur, and did not understand the true reasons for what had happened. Moreover, he adopted false guidelines for establishing personal boundaries.
Not being the result of a deep understanding of the psychic nature of the patient and the problems that have arisen, such advice from specialists is fraught with even more serious troubles.
The good news is that you can learn how to solve these and any other problems yourself. You can begin to understand the structure of your own psyche already at the free online training "System-Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan.
At the lectures, you will learn that tolerance, the desire to help others, the desire to complete any business that has been started is the absolute norm for people like Timur. Pathology is acting contrary to nature.
Realizing your individual characteristics, you can learn how to correctly prioritize, distribute forces, understand who really needs help and who is trying to abuse your reliability. And then, if necessary, you can say “no” without feeling guilty or aggression towards other people.
Read the reviews of those who managed to understand themselves, get rid of the burden of resentment, dependence on praise, indecision and the inability to say "no":
The pleasure of realizing oneself in society is quite possible without stress and a torn psyche! Do not wait for "short", click here …
