How to stop yelling at your child and blaming yourself
We are used to the fact that a child can only be like his parents, both physically and mentally. However, it is not. Quite often, even exactly the opposite …
The child does not obey, simply ignores, does not pay any attention to the requests of the parents, you can get anything from him only by raising his voice.
But this is not an option, you cannot constantly yell or scold him! Why is he behaving this way? Is it protest, whims, self-affirmation, or just harm?
And what should be done in this case, how not to shout at the child, but to get the desired result and achieve mutual understanding?
It happens that it is with the own child that the greatest difficulties arise in upbringing, while with many other children it is quite the opposite. What is the reason?
How not to yell at a child - to hear him
It is him, the closest and closest, we most associate with ourselves. The same nose, curls, eye color … And for the same reason, it is most difficult to perceive the difference between his inner world and our own. We are used to the fact that a child can only be like his parents, both physically and mentally.
However, it is not. Quite often, even exactly the opposite.
Externally similar relatives can be strikingly different psychologically. Character, habits, values, desires, views of the world are not inherited and in no way connected with external similarity.
It is precisely because of the difference in the psychological properties of children and parents that problems in family understanding, difficulties in raising and communicating with a child often arise. Realizing that scandals, swearing or arguments in a raised voice further distance us from each other, we ask ourselves how to stop yelling at a child and be heard.
All disagreements can be resolved when the child's behavior becomes obvious to you: the nature of his pranks, priorities and aspirations, the true and deepest nature of desires, which he himself is not yet able to understand. But it is the unconscious that lives on him, forcing him to realize every psychological property given to him from birth.
Realizing the whole essence of the mechanisms of his unconscious, you begin to interact with him absolutely harmoniously, speak his language, live his life, observe the stages of his growing up, and most importantly, you gain an understanding of how you can develop all his psychological properties to the maximum level. Indeed, only in this case, upon completion of the development process (with the end of puberty), he will be able to realize himself in society, using all his potential, and therefore, receiving the greatest pleasure from his life.
Possessing the knowledge gained at the training "System-vector psychology", a mobile and punctual mother with a skin vector understands why she so wants to shout at a slow and clumsy baby with an anal vector. In the same way, a serious and thorough anal dad begins to realize that a fidgety and naughty skinny baby does not do everything in spite, but simply lives according to his psychological nature.
The innate properties of the psyche manifest themselves from early childhood and, with an erroneous version of upbringing, do not get the opportunity to develop. Therefore, a girl with the most amorous and compassionate visual vector can grow up to be a callous and narcissistic doll, and a quiet, pensive boy with a sound vector, instead of a great scientist, genius poet or an outstanding programmer, becomes a self-absorbed sociopath living in the world of virtual games.
The psychological properties of children and their parents can be so distant from each other that a conflict without mutual understanding can arise already in early childhood, and with it the question of how not to yell at a small child. For this reason, increasing the psychological literacy of parents comes to the fore even at the stage of waiting for the baby.
A look from the bottom up, or what happens to a child when mom screams
The child's reaction to a cry depends on the set of the baby's vectors, but there is one common mechanism for each of the negative effects of parental cry on the child's psyche.
A prerequisite and indispensable condition for the most adequate development of the child's personality until the end of puberty (12-15 years of age) is a sense of security and safety, which can only be given by the mother and, to a much lesser extent, by the father and other relatives.
At the moment when the mother raises her voice, scolds the child or yells at him, this basic psychological sensation disappears, the baby loses his fulcrum, the opportunity to hide under his mother's wing. He feels insecure, not yet having the skills to adapt to such a stressful situation. In this state, the child is ready to do anything to restore the necessary sense of security, even to act contrary to his own psychological needs.
By forcing a child to regularly experience this kind of stress, parents thereby deprive him of the opportunity to develop according to innate psychological properties. However, nature will still take its toll, and the baby will try to implement these properties anyway. But he will be able to do this only at the most primitive level, which does not give sufficient fulfillment to modern man. And as a result, more and more new reasons for further problems and conflicts with parents will appear.
The circle closes, forming a negative life scenario for the future adult. A baby with an anal vector from the most obedient and responsible turns into stubborn and cruel, the skin child begins to deceive or even steal. The little oral begins to tell the most believable tales, slandering everyone around, and the urethral runs away from home in search of his homeless flock, where his highest rank becomes indisputable.
In search of a systematic answer to the question of how not to yell at children, at Yuri Burlan's training "System-Vector Psychology", perhaps for the first time, we understand how to raise a happy person while maintaining positive contact with him for life.
The answer to the unasked question, or Maybe the reason is not in the child?
It happens that the problem of how to stop yelling at children comes to the fore, feeling the most important and painful, but sometimes other questions are hidden behind it: how not to make trouble with your husband, how not to quarrel with employees, how to find a common language with parents, how communicate with others and not lose your temper?
Sometimes we shout at a child simply because he got under the arm, because he cannot answer as loudly as dad, for the reason that he cannot fire us, like a boss, or scratch our car, like a jerk neighbor.
Feelings of guilt, tears of remorse,ts as compensation and another promise “never again, ever” will not solve the problem - your problem.
The splash of negativity does not guarantee that this will not happen again. Even understanding that parental screaming is a psychological trauma for a child does not change your attitude towards life either. As long as you blindly, unconsciously continue to follow your own desires, it is almost impossible to change your behavior.
A deep understanding of oneself, the nature of one's desires, the mechanisms of one's own psychological processes, the reasons for regular outbursts of sharp hostility towards anyone gives a completely different perception of both oneself and others.
When you know why you want to shout, punish, scold, scold, then the need for such primitive manifestations of yourself simply disappears as unnecessary. The events and actions of your relatives, which previously provoked you into sharp indignation or rejection, now cause only a smile of understanding, and the conflict itself is resolved without having time to begin.
Having understood yourself, you get the opportunity to accept not only yourself as you really are, but also others, especially the people dearest and closest to you. Questions, how to stop yelling at children, how to keep a family, how to realize yourself in work, find their answers within you. 12 thousand reviews of people who have undergone Yuri Burlan's training confirm this. Among them are hundreds of reviews written by parents on overcoming problems in relationships with children. Here are just a few of them:
“… One fine moment my mother runs out of patience. And she starts screaming. Scream furiously. And in an instant the air is heated with anger, the son cries in fright, the mother, having scolded, suffers from guilt. And so almost every evening.
… And now after just a few lectures on SVP.
Just a few lectures - and everything changed dramatically. I became calm, patient. I completely stopped yelling at my son. I don’t shout and don’t want to. I wanted a change in my life, a change in my relationship with my son, especially with my son - I got this from the SVP training. And she got much more than she wanted …"
Zhanna B., Read the full text of the result in the evening.> “After listening to the training, I determined, though I don’t know how accurately what vectors my child is endowed with. But I can say for sure that I began to treat him differently, found other approaches in communication, and the grandparents, who also take part in his upbringing, were given plans. The results were not long in coming, the child changed so much, began to behave in a completely different way. We are all delighted, and so is the child. THIS IS REAL HAPPINESS! " Rada S. Read the full text of the result “I caught myself on the following:
1) that the house became calmer;
2) that my sons began to do household chores in the house (one is like a skin sound specialist, another is a skin-anal and like a urethral sound person (I could be mistaken) - I spoke in a half-whisper for 2 days !!! And did not demand immediate execution! I made a request, left, I come in 10-20 minutes, breathe in indignation - and the job is done! Quickly and imperceptibly!
3) that the younger has become more joyful. He surprised me by saying that I BECAME TO COMMUNICATE WITH THEM! And I did not notice the opposite! " Larisa O. Read the full text of the result
The happiness of your baby is worth it so that you find the desire and strength to understand him, in yourself and in the problem that arose in your communication with him. After all, the potential of children is much higher than ours, and it will be almost impossible to realize it by trial and error.
All we can do for them is to educate them in conditions of maximum development of innate psychological properties and teach them how to implement these properties at the highest level of a modern person, because only then can you be sure that you have raised a full-fledged member of society and just a happy person.
You can start to understand yourself at the free lectures of the training "System-vector psychology". I invite you to register for three free online lectures. Thousands of people have already established relationships with their loved ones, experienced great relief when they realized what their children really need and how to give it to them. Try it too!