The hardships of motherhood. Why do I feel like an incomplete mommy?
Maybe I'm the wrong woman?.. Why do others do everything so cleverly? They seemed to have always known this - how to be a mother. Why is my daughter crying so hard for me? Why am I having tantrums? Why I have practically nothing to feed her and I do not get any pleasure from attachments to the breast, but on the contrary, only irritation and physical pain.
As a child, like many children, I was often asked: "What will you be when you grow up?" And I, without hesitation, answered: "The teacher." And my favorite game was playing school in the yard with younger guys. I collected them in a circle, handed out homemade notebooks and pens and taught, and then deduced fives to her students. I also dreamed that when I grow up, I will have a family and children. I was touched by these pink-cheeked little ones on the street or at a party. I noticed that no matter what my mood was, the children always caused a smile and some very warm feeling in my soul.
I dreamed of a family, like from pictures in a magazine or like in a romantic movie about happy love. However, this dream remained only a dream for a long time.
When I was in my first marriage, I was given poor prognosis for motherhood - infertility for no apparent reason. I began to think about taking a baby from an orphanage. “Since it doesn’t work out on its own, I’ll help someone’s unfortunate fate,” I thought.
However, then my desire alone was not enough. Desire is one thing, but in reality it is quite another. Yes, and the student husband would not approve of such a prospect, he was also young and was not ready to become a father, especially a strange child. And I almost resigned myself. Maybe it's for the best, our student marriage was short-lived, lasted five years.
I got married a second time. And then, surprisingly, I got pregnant. To say that I was happy is to say nothing. My husband and I were looking forward to the birth of our baby. We sincerely believed that we were already adults and quite ready to be parents. I stocked up with a stack of magazines "My baby", as well as various other manuals on the birth and education of children, and carefully studied these issues. “This is my meaning of life,” I thought. - Finally, I am realized as a mother, as a woman. I've been waiting for this for so long.
The dream has come true.
From imagination to reality
I was very happy with the birth of my daughter. But motherhood did not coincide at all with my ideas about him. It turned out to be not what I imagined, looking at other people's children in pictures in a magazine and babysitting other children. I suddenly realized that I didn't know at all how to be a mother. For some reason, all those skills that a mother should have, the one that is written about in magazines and shown in films, was not born with the child. What is called the maternal instinct. I had enough optimism not to lose heart, and my husband supported me well, but every day I was convinced that I was not the mother they talk about with admiration and praise in songs and poems.
“Am I the wrong woman? I asked myself. - Why do others do everything so cleverly? They seemed to have always known this - how to be a mother. Why is my daughter crying so hard for me? Why am I having tantrums? Why I have practically nothing to feed her and I do not get any pleasure from attachments to the breast, but on the contrary, only irritation and physical pain”.
That picture of a happy mother with a baby at her breast did not agree with reality. And each feeding turned into torturing oneself both physically and mentally. It ended with self-pity and guilt towards the child. The child cried, trying to get enough, I suffered that I could not give. And the husband suffered, looking at our torment with his daughter. Unable to bear it all, he brought a package of mixtures and said: “That's it, stop torturing yourself and the child! Feed with a mixture, for this they are invented."
I was incredibly grateful to him for his understanding and support. My husband was generally my lifesaver. I survived a lot of things only thanks to him. Then I sincerely did not understand how he did it all so cleverly. He's a man! And swaddle, and lull, and sit with her at night, soothing and letting me sleep, and in the morning run to work. Then come, wash and iron all the diapers, prepare food. Where does it all come from? Now I understand that I would have gone crazy if he had not taken on all these responsibilities then.
But from the understanding that I was shifting my maternal responsibilities onto him, I tortured myself even more. As if I'm deceiving everyone and not who I say I am - I'm not a real mother. This was especially evident when I came across those whom I considered to be real mothers.
Probably, I would have branded myself as an inferior mother, if not for the moments that really brought me pleasure from motherhood. They were like a breath of fresh air. These are our joint walks with our daughter, which we both really liked. It seems to me that it was only here that we really felt each other. My daughter, to my surprise, grew up as a rather calm and intellectually developed child, not childish. As if she understood everything even then. We could leave home for several hours, take a supply of food, and travel around the city and its parks.
Another pleasant pastime of ours was visiting children's shops, all the most beautiful and fashionable were bought in large quantities. And at this time I even felt like a better mother. Again, thanks to my husband that he did not limit my means, although they were constrained.
So it turned out that, on the one hand, I was very happy with the birth of a child and got great pleasure from communicating with my daughter, and on the other hand, I felt a constant feeling of guilt. Outside, no one knew about these contradictions in me. Even my beloved and close person, my husband, only after many years learned about what thoughts tormented me.
Two different I's in one person
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains these internal contradictions, revealing how our psyche works. All our desires and character traits are conditioned by vectors. Moreover, the desires of different vectors can be multidirectional. So, the described throwing is experienced by women with an anal-skin-visual ligament of vectors.
Which vector will manifest itself at a particular moment in time depends on the landscape (our environment, living conditions, upbringing); under the pressure of the environment, a person unconsciously "switches" from one vector or a bunch of vectors to another. In this case, the woman's contradictions are caused by absolutely opposite desires of the visual-cutaneous ligament vectors and the anal vector.
A woman with a skin-visual ligament of vectors is by nature nulliparous, and the maternal instinct is not given to her. Such women often have difficulty conceiving. At the same time, they have the most loving hearts and can devote their whole lives to other people's children, becoming teachers or kindergarten teachers. That is why I could not have my children for a long time and it was so hard to get used to the role of a mother.
However, now skin-visual women have begun to give birth with the help of medicine. Such a woman gives birth to a child, but she does not know what to do with him further. He does not know how to approach him, which side to take, and is afraid not to break his arms and legs. And if a pimple jumped up - it's horror, such an emotional mommy sees a threat to life in any deviation. Panic, ambulance. As a result, the mother is pumped out, and the baby smiles.
But as the owner of the anal vector, I felt a natural desire to have children. Women with an anal vector are the best wives and natural born mothers in the world. They are created by nature for families and children. But in my case, the leading was the skin-visual ligament of vectors. This link sets the desire to be in society, actively communicate, build a career. Therefore, an intrapersonal conflict arises between the interests of the visual-cutaneous ligament and the anal vector.
I blamed myself that I was a bad mother, then I ran to my husband for help, seeing how he was doing well, and shifted responsibilities onto him. And he did it, because he is that very caring and loving father and husband, the owner of the anal-visual ligament of vectors. The anal ligament gives such a man an irresistible desire to have a family, children, and take care of them. And the visual vector gives sensual depth and the ability to give love. That was my husband. He seemed to know from birth how to deal with children. Such dads are worth their weight in gold. And my daughter and I were lucky.
What kind of mom am I?
So was I really the bad mother I sometimes thought I was? Not. I was just a woman who didn't know my nature. I did not understand my psyche and acted at random. I was jealous of those same moms with an anal vector, who are given by nature to be the best, most caring and patient moms.
While mothers with an anal vector were touched by the little steps of their children, I was looking forward to our daughter's feet, when she would already dress herself, hold a spoon, and speak understandable words. And every time: well, when already, when?
A person with a skin vector is directed forward, he needs constant changes, new impressions. That is also why I liked to walk so much, and I could go around half the city with a stroller, having prepared bottles with the mixture in advance with me, just not to sit at home. Later I learned that for a skin-visual woman, staying at home is a real punishment. She is the only woman who has a role in society. Therefore, walking, moving, changing the landscape - today we are going here, tomorrow we are going there - it was salvation for me then.
The skin vector also expected rapid changes in the child. We must quickly grow and put on our feet. If the child does not walk, then the skin moms and dads him quickly into the walker. All new and mobile inventions are the work of skin engineers. There would be no skin people, there would be no diapers and automatic rocking chairs, baby monitors and other paraphernalia that make it easier for a young mother to take care of a child.
Ready-made jars with mashed potatoes, for example, were also invented by skin people. Why waste time cooking all this in the kitchen when you can do it conveniently and quickly and devote time to other things, for example, taking your child to children's development. Convenient and fast are the skin priorities.
People with an anal vector shake their heads: “What a mother this is! All she stuffs the child with these artificial mixtures and semi-finished products. No, I would go and buy carrots and cook it myself, with my own hands, as our mothers and grandmothers taught. And they can be understood, they are bearers of old experience and traditions. And this experience is carried further down the generations, passed on to their children. They do not understand the skin-visual mother, who is almost like a child to a grandmother or nanny, but she herself jumped into stiletto heels and jumped into society to build a career on a par with men.
Such a mother can leave her child to other people and go to work with other people's children, and she will be great at it. Probably, you have heard more than once about such educators and teachers. She gave birth to her, left it to her grandmother and rather to work at school. She herself is perplexed: "Why are these children at school more understandable to me than my own little one?"
The skin-visual teacher is easy with her students, she easily creates an emotional connection with them, and they reciprocate her. And I was no exception. But my daughter was jealous of me for other people's children, when they hung around my neck and said: "You are my best teacher." She did not understand why they are so dear to me, because she is, she is my daughter, and I should only be her mother. Why do they run with their secrets to me.
I didn’t understand why I was so drawn to these children, whom I didn’t perceive as strangers, and at the same time was overwhelmed by an aching feeling of guilt before my child. Of course, I tried to somehow explain to my daughter, but these were not the explanations that she needed.
The feeling of guilt was exacerbated by family and friends expressing their opinions, sometimes in a whisper behind their backs: “What a mother this is. She has her own child, where she ran to strangers. Now, possessing systemic thinking, I understand that the owners of the anal vector could not perceive the situation in any other way, for them there is a clear division into “friends” and “aliens”. Their own blood, their own blood - these are the concepts of people with an anal vector.
I also understand how I should have talked with my daughter then, how to explain and involve. I think that those mothers who have faced such a situation will understand me.
You are the best mom and I don't need another one
Knowledge of the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan helped me to understand myself and others and to realize myself even better as a mother. This is available to any woman, for this you just need to get to know yourself better.
A skin-visual woman, not having a maternal instinct, can establish a good emotional connection with a child from the age of three. And this connection lasts all life.
Skin-visual mother will always remain the best friend to her child. This is the mother who will go on a journey with her daughter and will be her best friend, and those around them will not even understand that this is a mother and daughter. Peers of the daughter adore the skin-visual mother, she is with them as a friend, always "in the subject." She will always help you choose the right outfit for a party, because she subtly feels beauty, she is a trendsetter. That's why I loved dressing up my daughter, and I really enjoyed it. It is the skin-visual mother who will tell you how to behave to her daughter with her boyfriend and understand her love agony.
Is the skin-visual mother really bad without the maternal instinct? Not. She can be amazingly good. When her nature is revealed and filled, then perhaps there is no better mother. For me, now the main indicator that I am still a good mother is the words of my teenage daughter: “Mom, when I began to understand you better, I realized that you are the best mother and I don’t need another one”.
If you recognize yourself in this article and consider yourself an inferior mother, then this is not a reason to scold and blame yourself. Take the training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan and become the best mother for your child. There are no bad mothers, there is a lack of knowledge about their nature!
