Schizophrenia and me, echoes of a lost mind
When you looked at the trees, you had the feeling that they were alive and were moving like people, and now they would break loose and walk. Have you experienced such a fear of everything new that each new action caused you to panic? For example, take another bus or write a letter. Have you had such loud auditory hallucinations that you couldn't hear people's voices in reality? Did you want to jump out the window, just not to hear it again?
If not for Systemic Vector Psychology, not Yuri Burlan, I would not have been in the world already in April 2016. A handful of pills were ready. But I was not sure that it would kill me completely. Therefore, I went to the Internet for the last time to look for a safer way to commit suicide. And since I am wildly afraid of pain, I just wanted to sleep. And I could not find a painless way … It is September now, and my birthday, twenty-eighth, and I live on.
Have you ever been afraid to go crazy? They were afraid to be alone at home for five days, because they thought that if you did not see a living person for five days, you would die of mental madness, you would go crazy. You ran uncontrollably around the apartment from corner to corner in panic attacks, not knowing its reasons? You woke up from fits of rage and destroyed everything around in the apartment, and then after half an hour you could not understand what it was? Do you have 20 voices of men, women and children interrupting each other in your head at the same time?
You wanted to jump out of your body and kill yourself, just to stop these sounds? Were you scared of people, getting on the bus, covered at one moment with cold sweat and ran out of it? Have you experienced animal fear and panic when you accidentally saw a client in your workplace with, in your opinion, a suspicious and criminal appearance? You ran away from work straight to the hospital emergency room with demands to see you and check you urgently for a stroke?
You were dizzy in the city on the street while standing at a traffic light from the sight of multicolored cars flying past you, which for some reason became so unusually bright in color and so fast that you felt their speed as space. Have you caught yourself thinking that when someone looks at you and speaks clearly and loudly, be it your colleague or brother, you suddenly begin to think that he is up to something bad against you and wants to rape or kill you? Did you feel that the people around you and your own body are unreal?
Have you heard your own thoughts so loudly, as if someone put the music speakers to your head and turned it on at full capacity? Did your thoughts rush with great speed and break off, not giving you the opportunity to think out the smallest sentence to the end? Did you have a feeling that your head is huge and at the same time empty of thoughts and will burst now - and so all night without sleep? Have you been lying awake day and night for three months in a row, falling asleep for a maximum of 30 minutes a day and waking up in a panic?
When you looked at the trees, you had the feeling that they were alive and were moving like people, and now they would break loose and walk. Have you experienced such a fear of everything new that each new action caused you to panic? For example, take another bus or write a letter. Have you had such loud auditory hallucinations that you couldn't hear people's voices in reality? Did you want to jump out the window, just not to hear it again? Has it ever happened that you could not get out of bed in the morning, continuing to hide under the covers from the new day?
Have you felt so helpless that you couldn't wash and prepare your own food? Did you love when the long-awaited night came after an unbearably terrible day? Didn't you want to wake up in the morning and open your eyes, because you are wildly scared to live?
Welcome to the world of so-called mental illness and disabilities, as psychiatrists call it with a sadistic grin. Welcome to the world of so-called schizophrenia and punitive psychiatry. Why punitive? Because you are punished, severely punished for your "tricks", in which you, yourself in fear, are mostly not to blame, because at those moments you yourself did not understand what was happening to you and what to do about it.
Why mostly? Because there is a small proportion of experimental people who just for fun and experiment take drugs and cause the conditions described above. We will talk about the part of people in whom these states do not arise under the influence of psychotropic substances. But first, let's talk about what precedes these terrible conditions, which modern psychiatry, not knowing the true reasons, calls the general concept of psychosis.
These conditions are preceded by long-term painful depression. You are familiar with the burning sensation in your stomach, which was the only sensation that reminded you that you were alive and your body was craving food. You haven't had an appetite for the past few months. You had neither the strength nor the desire to cook and eat food. No sense of taste, quick satiety and subsequent apathy. You are familiar with the state of insomnia or, conversely, the 16-hour semi-coma, when you sleep and walk tired all the time. When you don't feel like opening your eyes in the morning, but when you open it, panic and anxiety set in.
You don't know where to put yourself. Work saves, but not for long. You spend evenings and nights on the Internet looking for “I don’t know what”, browsing tons of articles on how to get rid of depression, or maybe how to expand your consciousness, grow spiritually, become immortal, or at least get rid of insomnia. The pills for insomnia, which could put an elephant to bed, only help you for a couple of hours, the voices in your head do not stop. There is still no sleep. Every morning is bound by a black veil of longing and depression. Why am I here? Why was I born? Why do I live? Why live at all? What's the point???
Tons of literature, philosophy, magic, esoterics, astrology. Where are the answers? There is only a hint. You rejoice at new meanings, and in a minute they slip away. And again a feeling of disappointment and deep sadness. Again, not that! And there is no peace of mind for the soul, which rushes about in constant anxiety and is ready to jump out of the chest. Unbearable aching pain in the region of the heart, gaping hole, emptiness !!! You know for sure that this pain is mental, not bodily, but you feel it on a physical level. It dies down only at night. Only before going to bed does she leave you alone, this black cat of despair, and you, exhausted by your day, fall asleep as if forever, without the desire for tomorrow. And without answering the eternal question - why all this? Why live, I'll die anyway! Where is the point? After all, there must be, damn it, some sense !!!
And so every single day. Is all life really an endless race for money? You are tired of this mouse fuss. What your friends call the meaning of life seems down to earth, material and meaningless to you. House and car, beauty and love, children, money, fame. For you, these concepts are blurred, ephemeral. You are looking for more, different. What is the meaning of my life ??? Why doesn't my chest pain subside? Where is the tranquility? Or maybe it makes no sense? Maybe there is nothing to look for? But you just have to survive every day and suffer like that.
Not! The meaning should be. After all, I'm looking for something every day, spending hours on the Internet. Either I muffle myself with hard rock or transfer my consciousness into the reality of a computer game, jumping out of my body for a minute so as not to feel this hellish mental pain. Hellish. And from this pain sometimes even black depressive verses are born … There is no hell and no heaven anywhere, except that here we, living, trudge day and night through the darkness, like a blind kitten …
This state covers in such a way that when you go out and see smiling people and happy couples, you feel as if behind a glass that separates you from the world. The world and people are illusory for you, the line between the world and you is so huge that you sometimes want to touch a person to understand whether he is real. But you do not do this, because people by themselves with their material are alien to you and even sometimes disgusting. If you experience physical pain for a long time, you can become angry.
Nerves become loose. And your mental pain seems to you millions of times stronger than any physical one, and you are filled with hatred! And this hatred is supplanted by your consciousness and from time to time manifests itself in nightmares, where you destroy everything around and kill people. You wake up terrified of yourself and walk around in thought all day. How could I do this in a dream. And from time to time, thoughts come to your mind. I hate life, this world and everything in it! Life doesn't make sense!
If you are reading this article and recognize yourself in this description in whole or in part, read on !!! But first, answer the question: do you think there is a way out of the above states?
Pragmatic people and psychiatric practitioners will say, yes, there is a way out. Lie in a psychiatric hospital and drink a course of antipsychotics to calm down. But this is only a temporary way out, which later, with its consequences of punitive psychiatry, turned for me to have problems with physical health and a desire to kill myself, not because there were voices in my head. The voices had already passed by that time. But because after a nine-month stay in the hospital and therapy with five different strongest drugs, my body stopped living and moving. I was discharged home to die when the most striking symptoms of psychosis were drowned out by the action of antipsychotics.
Psychiatry has saved the lives of many people with acute symptoms. I learned a lot of destinies while lying there for nine months. The best psychiatric clinic in Germany. The best doctors with vast experience. And with the best of intentions. Perhaps, in a Russian psychiatric hospital, I would have died long ago. At least the stories about her from the Internet caused a chill on the skin. I am immensely grateful that in those terrible states I described, when I could not think at all where I am and who I am, the doctors and the walls of the hospital protected me. In Germany I was alone, without family and only with a couple of friends.
But the consequences of treatment with antipsychotics and the side effects of the pills were not long in coming, and I still live with these consequences. Weight gain 25 kilos, heavy as a stone, body in the morning. Lack of appetite and unwillingness to eat and cook. Slow thinking, lack of concentration, and impaired short-term memory. Pressure problems. And much more.
What happened in April 2016 after being discharged from the hospital? I was sent home, full of fears, to die! My body was so weak under the influence of five different drugs that for the first week I did not get out of bed and did not wash, ate only what did not need to be cooked, because I had no strength to cook. Thank God, a friend helped me with the cleaning and bought groceries. These two weeks I was finished off psychologically. I slept for 18 hours, I felt sick day and night, and the weight did not go away.
But the worst thing was in the morning. It was a side effect of antipsychotics. I know this for sure, because now that the dose of pills is reduced to a minimum, this nightmare no longer exists. It was like this: every morning it was scary to get out of bed from the unreasonable panic enveloping me. And I was lying under the covers with my head until 12 noon. And second, and worst of all, antipsychotics have a side effect: they partially block the action of dopamine and serotonin in the brain. This is so that the symptoms of psychosis go away. But at the same time, the strength to live goes away. Every morning it took an incredible amount of energy to get out of bed and crawl to the toilet. They just weren't there.
After two weeks of crawling around the apartment and wild fear in the morning, I crawled back to the hospital. She begged me to give me any drugs to raise vitality. Doctors categorically refused to introduce antidepressants into the program, arguing that the rise in serotonin can cause repeated psychosis. And I crawled home in tears. Live out. That evening, I was determined to kill this body, which deprived me of the opportunity to live and develop. I thought at that moment that that state of body and soul would last forever.
By some miracle, I ended up on a portal about depression. First in German, then I switched to Russian-language sites. And I suddenly came across an article about depression, which turned all my feelings in me. There my present states were described so accurately that I read it to the end. I am so sorry that I did not remember its author. After all, this article awakened in me hope and desire to fight for life.
At the end of the article there was a link to the site of system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. And my heart skipped a beat. I thought if it didn't get me out, I would kill myself. I had the saved money just as much as was needed for the first level training. And I decided - to die anyway, so I will spend the last. Suddenly a miracle will happen. After all, that article just pulled me by the hair to the light.
I put the pills in the closet. She got up and crawled into the bank. And it spun, spun!
The first level lectures started in April, now it is September. And I'm a different person. I gradually canceled all the drugs, leaving only a safety dose of the neuroleptic. The minimum dose, prophylactic. I walk, I regained aikido training, I start working in October! My hell is over. The black hole of depression no longer sucks me in the way it used to. I lost five kg. I take care of myself and even started dating. I had plans for the future and my memory and concentration returned to me! I can learn again and continue to develop intellectually. Six months ago I was a walking corpse, or rather, a crawling corpse. Now I can walk and even run.
My state-appointed psychotherapist has conducted numerous tests and surveys with me over the past two months on schizophrenia, personality disorders and neuroses. The result is negative everywhere. He phoned many times with the psychiatrist who observed me in the hospital. And the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder was withdrawn from me due to the absence of such symptoms. They left the diagnosis of recurrent endogenous depression.
I can subscribe to depression, it has been following me since I was 17 years old. This is a pressing feeling of fear in the chest and an eternal search for answers to even then an unconscious question. What is the sense of life? And I did find the answer. During the training on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan, this lifelong pain in my chest subsided, and the blackness was filled with light. The pain is gone. And only very rarely, when I'm very scared of something, she quietly returns. For a few minutes. And my chest ached for days, with a break for sleep.
If six months ago they told me that my diagnosis would be removed, and I physically could do what I can now, I would twist my finger at my temple. There was no hope.
Now I sleep for 6-9 hours instead of 18. Now I began to cook my own food, and my apartment is in complete order. Now I've learned to focus and write consistent sentences. I can think and play chess again. My voices in my head and other auditory hallucinations disappeared. They disappeared after three lectures on the sound vector. One day. I am no longer afraid of being at home alone and riding a full bus. I have ceased to be afraid of unknown men and go on dates.
I plan to start studying again. But now I will no longer bang my head against the profession of an architect. After the training, everything changed. I understood my essence, my hidden desires, my abilities and the structure of my psyche. I understood why this profession does not work for me, and what profession I want. In which field of activity my desires will be fully fulfilled.
Where would I be now without training? In grave. Or, if miraculously saved, again in a psychiatric hospital. Again in the circle of suffering people, closed in the cage of their own minds with a sound vector. Yuri Burlan talks about this vector in detail at the training on system-vector psychology. It was this vector that I had in a terrible state during my "madness", which doctors call an attack of psychosis, and which lasted for almost a year.
It was the sound vector that led me along the path of finding the meaning of life. And he brought me to the training. And he did not bring many. Didn't get it. We flew out the window. There were many such sound specialists who jumped from the balcony in my psychiatry department. They didn’t die in flight from the sixth floor because they were drugged. Consciousness was so clouded that there was no time to react to the jump. And now they are in a wheelchair, with a lot of metal in their bodies instead of bones, with a bladder tube. And what is most terrible, with the same hallucinations, neuroleptics and the same mental pain.
I spoke to them. I asked why they jumped. All as one said that they did not remember, but remember that it was unbearable to live. Live with heartache. Drugs only helped to silence her for a while. The horrors of psychiatry. Horror of destinies. The horror of the realization that came after the training. Realization that training would have helped most of them, like me !!! It used to hurt from despair and not knowing how to help yourself. Now it hurts to realize that you know how to help them, but you cannot reach them. The work on the German version of Yuri Burlan's website has just begun.
And at this moment someone is already flying through the window. Tick-tock, tick-tock … seconds fly by, fly by. The word “thank you” is too little to express my gratitude to Yuri and the Portal team. Some of them, with their article I saw on the Internet, influenced the saving of my life.
I am writing this review article in the hope that you will recognize yourself in it and understand that all is not lost, that there is always a way out. And the opportunity to find a way out is offered by the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. Come to free online lectures, take your chance.
Ekaterina Wolf, designer, September 21, 2016, Mainz, Germany
