The child ignores the parents. How can I restore contact?
How to restore the former level of trust? What is going on and when was that close contact with the child lost? What is the reason for such a distance from parents?
The chasm grows
When a child appears in a family, we, parents, are sure that we know our baby better than anyone else. Putting all our heart and soul into the upbringing of a growing personality, we give the child what we never had ourselves. Trying to keep up with the times, we study the latest methods of education, we do not spare money for developing toys, teaching materials, eminent teachers and paid schools. Sometimes we pamper the child with gifts and entertainment, especially when we want to celebrate the first successes of the baby.
Everything seems to be perfect: mutual understanding, trust, communication.
But the older the child gets, the more he begins to move away. The closer the notorious period of puberty, the more often he is silent, immersed in his thoughts, less and less shares his successes or griefs. Spending time together does not make him happy, he wants to be alone more, a problem in communication begins to be felt, a wall is growing between the teenager and his parents.
The child listens, but does not hear, understands, but ignores, is near, but does not open up. Any requests annoy him, he rejects offers, he ignores questions. He hovers in the clouds somewhere far away, in his world, letting in individual people, but not parents.
How to restore the former level of trust? What is going on and when was that close contact with the child lost? What is the reason for such a distance from parents?
Could this be someone's bad influence? How to find out if a child has fallen into a sect or gang, does not take drugs? Or is it maybe depression, hormonal shift, unrequited love, or school bullying?
The usual parental fears “through myself”: I wasn't like that, what he lacks, it's all TV / set-top box / telephone / Internet / street - almost never correspond to reality. In addition, forced conversations "heart to heart" and with addiction also do not lead to the expected results.
A sound child is always a mystery, even to himself! Most often, he himself does not know what is happening to him. He just feels bad, just a negative state of mind, constantly lacking something or does not want anything. He is looking for answers and subconsciously realizes that he will not find these answers from his parents without a sound. Not because they are stupid or he does not like them, but because they are simply different and they do not have these answers. Therefore, it is drawn to the same sound people. It's good when a healthy and developed sound engineer, a teacher of physics or astronomy gets caught, but what if a fanatic gets caught?.. Everything happens. Or a depressing sociopath who will suggest looking for the answer in drugs?..
Parental repression
Our findings about bad companies, suspicious acquaintances, the negative impact of the Internet and the like lead us to the idea of excluding this very influence. Wanting only the best for the child, we often make it worse.
The sound engineer will endure isolation, even complete one, completely painlessly. But! This state of affairs will give him an absolutely justified reason to withdraw into himself even more, immerse himself in his thoughts, assert his own strangeness / exclusiveness / genius / alienation to this world / incomprehensibility and rejection - any of the options is bad.
Why?
The deeper and longer the sound person is in himself, the less desire he has to get out of there. Such self-immersions do not give the sonic teenager any content. He feels good there not because he thinks or develops that way, but because in this way he leaves an even more painful reality. This is a kind of escape. From myself and from life. After all, it is hard, unpleasant, painful here, the landscape crushes. In myself, too, not particularly good, but in real life it still hurts.
If the little sound engineer knows no other alternative, he will run to where it hurts less.
This is the way out! Here is the answer to all parental torment.
Give! Give him this alternative! Show another version of the development of events, another, more effective way of filling the needs of the sound vector, let him try real pleasure from satisfying his properties.
Even if you yourself do not have a sound vector, now you have access to systems thinking, which makes it possible to deeply understand the needs and desires of the sound engineer. This very understanding is felt by your audio player subconsciously. The former mixture of misunderstanding, fear for the child, disappointment in him, in himself, despair and resentment is replaced by a complete understanding of what is happening.
He feels that now you are on the same wavelength with him, you are able to speak with him in the same language and be understood by each other. You feel his suffering as your own, which means that you can really share it with him. It becomes easier for him next to you than alone with himself, in that strange company or virtual game. Now he is better HERE than THERE. Now your words are not an empty phrase, pulling the comfort zone out of the calm swamp, but something that makes sense …
Something that first answers his inner unasked question, a hint that it is here, in the real life that surrounds him, that there are answers. After all, only here he can get what he is looking for deep in himself, from which he runs into the virtual world, from which he suffers and considers himself strange, does not like noisy fun and endless communication, strives for solitude and constantly tries to understand himself.
Sound puberty risks
Sound children of the XXI century are the most difficult today. Being born with a knowingly high potential, they cannot find for themselves the opportunity to realize sound properties, to realize their desires, to satisfy psychological needs.
Along with this, erroneous education without taking into account the characteristics of the psyche of a sound child makes his development very problematic. The general condition of the sound specialists is deteriorating. It is with this that the constantly increasing level of autism, teenage depression, drug addiction and even suicidal tendencies in modern society is associated.
The period of puberty for any child is the most difficult time. The transition from childhood to adulthood, from a feeling of security and safety next to mom to a sense of responsibility for your life. First decisions, victories or defeats, inspiration or disappointment, new feelings, perspectives, hopes and dreams. However, for the sonicist, the difficulties of puberty can be more life-threatening than for other children.
In this regard, the first signals that the child increasingly withdraws into himself, ignores his parents, does not seek to communicate with peers, suggest that the time has come to show him a different filling of the sound vector. Shortages grow, desires hurt and require satisfaction, innate properties long to be realized. The child feels a negative state, he feels bad, and he himself does not know why. During this very period, your potentially genius baby is in need of help more than ever. It is in a competent systemic approach to raising a child with a sound vector, and not in blind mother's care "through herself".
Today, being a parent means being able to raise a happy person, a full-fledged member of society, a person who is developed and realized in all respects, and not just feed, clothe, arrange a school and make sure that your feet do not get wet. Without the systematic help of psychologically literate parents, it is quite difficult for a modern child to develop independently, because a high innate temperament provides for implementation at the highest level. But we, as parents, can help our children in this by providing adequate conditions for development from early childhood, possessing systemic thinking, we are able to gently direct and unobtrusively interest the most promising option for the realization of the innate properties of the baby.
The future of mankind belongs to them, this strange and amazing generation Z, generation of the XXI century, but the future of each of these children today depends on us, their parents.
You can learn in detail the features of raising sound children at the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan.
An online course of free introductory lectures is coming soon.
Free admission.
