Tantrum in a child: the psychologist's answers to parents' questions
Many mothers ask: what to do if the child is hysterical? How to behave correctly in an acute situation? What is the main reason for the child's hysteria? After all, there are any formal reasons: does not want to eat or sleep, bought the wrong toy, take home from a walk …
My name is Evgeniya Astreinova, I am a psychologist. I have been working with children for 12 years.
Constant tantrums in a child bring even the most patient parents to nervous exhaustion. In this article, I will answer frequently asked questions about child tantrums.
- If the baby has an age crisis, then you just need to wait it out or you need to change the tactics of interaction with the child? Where is the "limit of the norm" in children's tantrums: maybe they indicate a disorder of the nervous system or psyche, such as autism?
- First of all, it is worth distinguishing between norm and pathology. Parents today have heard that persistent tantrums can be a symptom of childhood autism. The main thing that parents need to know is that hysterics in itself is never the only sign of RDA. In autistic children, first of all, the conscious and sensory connection with the world is broken. That is, the ability to understand speech, to fulfill requests is significantly reduced. Reduced the child's emotional response to attempts to interest him in play or creativity, to captivate something. Autism can be suspected only on the basis of a whole range of symptoms.
And in the overwhelming majority of cases, we are not talking about pathology.
- What is the main reason for the child's hysteria? After all, there are any formal reasons: does not want to eat or sleep, bought the wrong toy, take home from a walk …
- The fact is that not every child is prone to hysterics. By nature, we are assigned a different emotional range and, accordingly, a different ability to experience a certain palette of emotions. The owners of the visual vector of the psyche have the largest sensory range. Such a child's mood can change in a second. He was just violently happy about something, and a moment later he was crying inconsolably for another reason. By themselves, such features are not a violation.
It happens that a mother has a completely different psyche, she can be a low-emotional, rationally thinking person - therefore she is seriously worried that such violent manifestations of feelings in a baby are abnormal. But in fact, a wide emotional range is the norm for children with a visual vector, it just requires proper development.
- How to develop such emotional children?
- At the root of all emotions lies one, basic, root - this is the fear of death. In visual children, we observe it as a fear of the dark.
During development, the child learns to transform his fear into empathy for another person. Every visual baby has to go this way from birth to puberty.
When the skills of empathy and compassion develop adequately and on time, the visual child grows up as a sensually developed humanist, deeply empathizes with all living things. If the education of feelings is not built correctly, then the child's psyche is fixed in a state of fear for himself. This leads to the fact that tantrums, anxiety, fears and phobias can haunt a person all his life.
Developing empathy in a child is not difficult. The main condition is to read classical literature for compassion. The Match Girl, The Ugly Duckling and other Andersen tales will do. Stories about Bianchi's animals. "White Bim Black Ear" by Troepolsky. Each age has its own list of suitable works.
There is no need to be scared if in the process of reading the child bursts into tears, sympathizing with the main character: these are wholesome and healing tears. The more tears of empathy, the less often you will see tears of hysteria about yourself in the baby.
- Will reading suitable literature be enough for correct sensory development?
- Literature is the basis for the education of feelings. But this, of course, is not all. There is something that is absolutely forbidden to do - for example, to frighten a visual child, even as a joke. Particular harm is done by "cannibalistic jokes" in the spirit of "who is so tasty with us", "go, I'll eat you," etc. Even if the baby looks happy, laughs, squeals and runs away, it damages his psyche.
The root fear of death is associated precisely with the danger of being eaten - a predator or a cannibal. And such seemingly innocent entertainment falls straight into the child's unconscious fear. They fix his psyche in fear for himself, and later provoke tantrums.
The same damage is caused by fairy tales with a plot where the character is eaten ("Kolobok", "Seven little kids", etc.). The visual child is very impressionable, he is able to vividly imagine and live a fairy tale. This is a bun for you - a piece of dough, but for a little dreamer it is a living person.
There is one more subtlety: visual children, like no other, are susceptible to the emotional state of the mother. They want to live strong and deep feelings with their mother - therefore, you need to read not just with the child, but to be truly involved sensually in this process.
And of course, a lot depends on the psychological state of the mother. When she does not have the strength for anything, in her soul, longing, sadness, depression or resentment - children lose their sense of security and safety. The consequences of this can manifest themselves in different ways, including hysterics in a child with a visual vector.
- Are these rules relevant regardless of the child's age? Or are there any age characteristics, age crises?
- Age crises are certain milestones, a kind of significant milestones in the process of maturation of the child's psyche. They certainly play a role. It is important to distinguish and understand them.
For example, 3 years is a significant milestone associated with the fact that the baby begins to become aware of his "I", to separate himself from others. During this period, difficulties begin for parents - how to understand your baby? Features of behavior are manifested in children in different ways, depending on their innate mental properties.
Not every child in 3 years has tantrums. Children with an anal vector react with stubbornness, with a skin one - with "negativism" (they throw refusals to any suggestions). But this is not necessarily accompanied by tears, changes in the emotional state, etc. The latter happens only in children with a visual vector. Therefore, if your baby is just that, especially emotional, then in his case all the rules for raising a visual child must be observed.
Age is secondary here: if the cause of the problems is not removed, they will gain a foothold, and in the future tantrums may continue at 7-8 years old and later.
- And what to do if a child's tantrum is 3-4 years old represent a whole bunch of behavioral problems? After all, tears and screams are often accompanied by protests, stubbornness, categorical demands …
- The reason is that the visual vector is not the only one in the structure of the child's psyche. Modern city children are often carriers of 3–5 different vectors at once. Each of them endows the child with their own properties, desires. Everyone requires adequate development.
For example, for nimble kids who strive to be the first in everything, discipline, a system of prohibitions and restrictions, a clear daily routine are very important. When such a child lacks "framework", he behaves restlessly, tries to probe these frameworks, as if looking for where the "limit" of parental patience is.
And it's not a matter of patience at all: the child does not provoke anyone on purpose. He is simply unconsciously trying to determine what is allowed and what is not. He needs this to feel calm and safe. But in practice it often turns out that this gives parents a lot of problems. For example, when there is no clear daily routine, it is difficult to put such a child in the evening. Even if his eyes stick together, he continues to be capricious and refuses to lie down.
If you have not discussed with the child in advance what exactly you are ready to buy for him in the supermarket, then he reaches out to everything, demands to take whatever he wants, scandal. If one parent forbids, and the other allows something - this also provokes the child to constantly violate the ban - what if the parents "give up"?
But it is important to remember that everything is good in moderation. Prohibitions should be adequate, they should not pour out of mother's lips all the time. The word "no" is generally the most stressful for the child's psyche, because our psyche is a continuous "want". It is better to replace “no” with another word, and if something is prohibited, an alternative should sound instead: what is possible.
- Indeed, it happens that a child irrepressibly wants everything and constantly demands. But there are other situations: when he does not want anything at all, no matter what he is offered. What to do?
- It happens that the very proposals from the parents pour in one after another, so that the child simply does not have time to really want anything. Any desire must be allowed to form, take shape. It is important that the child not only feels the desire, but also learns to make efforts in order to get what he wants.
Today, in the era of consumption, we have a lot to offer our children. And the very best moms try their best. It turns out something like this:
- Will you juice?
- Yes.
- Have a drink.
- No, I don't want juice.
- Shall we go for a walk?
- Yes.
- Let's get ready.
- No, I do not want to walk.
Here it would be more reasonable to give the child time for the desire to mature. If you wanted to go for a walk, tell them that you first need to wash the dishes. Let him wait a bit. While you wash the dishes, tell him how wonderful it will be to ride the merry-go-rounds in the park where you go. It fuels his desire, raises him. Then you can tell him that you will have time for a walk only if he puts on shoes himself, etc. If you wisely warm up the baby's desire, he will run for a walk as if it were a holiday.
- And how to deal with the stubbornness of the child, disputes on any occasion?
- Children who are unhurried and thorough are more prone to stubbornness. They need their own upbringing conditions. It is important for them to finish everything to the end, to have enough time to master any skill. They are natural conservatives. Anything new is stressful for such a baby, so he always needs more time to adapt any changes.
Stubbornness in such babies manifests itself most often if the child lives in an unusual rhythm of life: when he is rushed and rushed. They do not allow to finish what they have begun, interrupt in speech.
So the answer to the question of how to cope with a child's tantrums directly depends on all the properties of the child's psyche. The more accurately we understand the psyche of our children, the more accurately we build our relationship with him.
Many mothers ask: what to do if the child is hysterical? How to behave correctly in an acute situation?
- So that the hysteria does not last long, mom needs to behave calmly and friendly, even if at this moment she has to carry the screaming child under her arm home. Naturally, the child cannot be beaten or shouted at. Every loving and caring mother knows this very well.
But it's one thing to know, and another to do it. Any mother is exhausted by the constant repetition of such situations. It's one thing to withstand a one-time tantrum and behave calmly. And it is quite another to live with the daily and repeated tantrums of the child, when no sedatives help the mother.
Only the mother's own psychological competence will help to establish a long-distance life. Visits to psychologists are yesterday. More and more we understand that in every single situation it will not work to run to a psychologist - you yourself need to know and understand what to do.
The problem of how to cope with a child's tantrums can be solved by any mother - if she knows how the baby's psyche works and works, which means that she understands the reasons for his behavior. Hear what Christina has to say about this:
Today, mastering the necessary base of psychological knowledge is not difficult: it is simple and fast. Those mothers who have mastered this knowledge share incredible positive results in the behavior of their children.
