A case from medical practice. Difficult child
- Doctor, I have problems with my mother and child. I was told that you own some new technique and could help me.
- Are you for a consultation?
The young girl looked up from the phone, a smile flickering in her wide eyes. She nodded affirmatively. The most ordinary girl: height is slightly below average, correct, rather, dense physique, fair-haired, even light-brown. A short denim skirt, a white T-shirt and a shoulder bag, makeup is either absent, or made very skillfully, does not strike the eye at all.
- Come on in.
The wall clock showed exactly 15.00. There was still an hour before the main flow of patients. You could afford to take the unplanned, the thought flashed that the case might be interesting.
Brief necessary formalities, and you can move on to substantive questions.
- How can I be useful as a neurologist? - almost an ordinary phrase that immediately cuts off complaints about noisy neighbors, a hard bed or a bad view from the window.
- Doctor, I have problems with my mother and child. I was told that you own some new technique and could help me.
- How old is the child, is he with you?
- My son is 6 years old, I left him in the children's room under supervision.
An open face, a sincere, slightly worried look with a soft and tender smile. Only slight folds in the corners of her mouth said that she had been waiting for this meeting on purpose, prepared in advance.
- It's a pity, I would like to see him at least for a while. Let us bring him in later.
“Yes, of course,” she nodded again.
- Tell us about yourself and your family. Who do you live with, what kind of problems with mom and what does not suit you in your son? Only in advance I want you, perhaps, to upset you a little, or rather to prevent misunderstandings. When parents turn to me with complaints about their children or with requests to help cope with their supposedly abnormal child, in the overwhelming majority of cases they themselves need help and correction. And with children, everything turns out to be fine.
I am aware that not everyone is ready to agree with this. Usually, parents believe that the main problems are the child, and the reasons for these problems are that the child is sick to one degree or another and he just needs urgent treatment from a neurologist. Relatives and neighbors tell them about the same. With them, everything is fine. They are parents, adults - they know how and what.
Alas, this is very far from the true state of affairs. I will not comment on the philistine ideas about education, I will only say - be prepared in this office to hear something that will probably surprise and even shock you. Yes, it is possible that at first my statements will not find a deep response within you. But if, at least for the duration of the consultation, you accept them as certain assumptions, later you will uncover a completely new coordinate system in which there will no longer be room for your conflicts with your mother. And the child will incredibly transform from an uncontrollable object of irritation into a source of joy.
- Yes, of course, I admit that perhaps something is wrong with me, and I can make mistakes, and I need to figure it out, - the young woman easily agreed. "And so much the better" - flashed through the doctor's head.
- I think we will be able to figure out the reasons, - sounded aloud.
The woman was quite frank. For several years now, she divorced her husband, who practically divorced not only his wife, but also the child: no meetings and contacts. She now lives with her mother and son. Judging by the key details she voiced, the woman lacked an emotional connection with her ex-husband. The husband earned money, and nothing else interested him, except perhaps the Comedy Club in the evenings. The marriage was once contracted out of natural attraction, but after three years it came to naught. After all, in order for them to remain a couple, certain efforts were needed, and on both sides. The birth of a child also did not seal the marriage. The statistics of the collapsing institution of the family have been replenished with another sad case.
They did not begin to understand the details of the outdated relationship. There was no time, no desire, no additional questions from her. From the presentational hieroglyph, one could guess about the presence of an anal vector, which suggests a fairly powerful libido. The primary diagnosis by the presentation hieroglyph was later confirmed in a conversation: in this case, there was clearly no adequate filling for some natural vector aspirations. In general, this is not surprising: living with a mother and a small child is not very conducive to building new relationships, especially at the first stage. And the young woman could hardly fulfill her sexual desires according to the male type, but the desires themselves did not disappear from this.
Now - the relationship with the mother. In response to the portrait of the mother drawn by the doctor, identified from the phrases characterizing her: “But I told you! What did you think when you married him? Listen to the elders, because I'm a mother, I wish you well! , a very ambiguous and pronounced range of feelings manifested itself on the face of a young woman.
- She's unbearable! We fight constantly, she blames me for everything. I’m always to blame for her,”she blurted out after a moment of surprise.
- Does she make you feel guilty?
- Yes exactly… she said, and after a short pause, a subtle expression of annoyance was added to the surprised smile.
The script was clear in general terms, although our conversation lasted only a little over a quarter of an hour. The issue of the child has not yet been touched upon. First, it was necessary to deal with the image of the mother and understand the nature of her reproaches.
The three of them live - a mother, her 6-year-old son and his grandmother. Mom is at work all day. The boy is constantly at home, alone with his grandmother. For a while, the kid attended kindergarten, most likely not for long. Then, most likely, problems began, and the grandmother's anal-visual rationalizations outweighed. Mom quite easily agreed that it would be better at home under the supervision of the child. All this was not expressed directly, but it was clearly outlined in the general dialogue. Only sometimes it was necessary to clarify some of the meanings.
A portrait of the mother was marked with a few strokes, apparently with the same vector set. The daughter's reaction to every remark about her mother confirmed this deep recognition.
- I thought so somewhere, you say everything very correctly. And you know, I recognize myself in places, we are alike, only, as you have definitely noticed, my life is more fulfilled, I love my job and enjoy respect, but she has none of that.
But there was one more question, very important for this woman. And he touched her son. Only now she was somehow too embarrassed. I had to remind you that our time is limited.
And then, after a little pause, as if plunging into something deep for moments, the woman, as if emerging to the surface, raised her eyes and, slightly embarrassed, said:
- He pokes his fingers in my face …
Her gaze was focused on the doctor's face, and it was easy to read her thoughts as if they were written in large letters: “What will he say, how will he react, what can he think about this ridiculous complaint? He somehow showed me my mother so accurately … I can, without hesitation, ask him other questions. Maybe he will tell you something interesting about my son?"
He needed details that can only be obtained with complete trust. At such moments, the face automatically took an approvingly even expression, which read: "Continue boldly, there are no risks of getting a reproach or being ridiculed."
- He constantly provokes me, shaggy hair, pokes his finger in the eyes, and it hurts very much, in the ears, bites, licks and drools me. When I talk to someone, he intervenes and demands that they listen to him. Very active, agile, uncontrollable. I told him: “Stop, don't poke your fingers in my mother’s face, this is uncivilized, it’s unpleasant for me”. And he, as on purpose, does even more. It brings me and my grandmother, - in full text she laid out her, apparently, the main problem with her son.
Nothing special? It is not customary to pay attention to this. For a psychologist, or even more so a neurologist, this is not a reason for any action at all. These complaints will at best be ignored, at worst they will make the mother feel awkward with such absurdities in consulting a doctor.
Nevertheless, there is an adequate explanation for all this. And most importantly, there is a solution to the problem. Only this woman should come to him herself. And it is best to do this at the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan. “It is necessary to somehow awaken desire, instill hope in a young woman, because she has her whole life ahead of her, her sincere, wide-open eyes are looking for their fulfillment, she must receive it! You just need to help her reach out her hand in the very direction where everything lies and waits for her - take as much as you can carry …"
According to everything that she told about her son, the boy is the clear owner of the skin vector. It was easy to explain several typical behavioral situations. The accuracy of the given characteristics impressed the young mother so much, who learned the peculiarities of her son's behavior, that the recommendations on education - methods of adequate prohibition and stimulation - were generally listened to very carefully. Obviously, we managed to get a credit of confidence. And there was a sincere desire to immediately put these recommendations into practice. In itself, this was already a definite result, but at the same time, there was a sense of understatement.
- Please bring your child when my appointment is over. I'll take a look out of the corner of my eye and get to know him. Suddenly you and I are missing something.
- Of course, I will definitely. I'm not saying goodbye.”She closed the door behind her.
A couple of hours later, the last patient, carefully reading the appointments just made, closed the door behind him. It was time to bring the notes to a finished form and we could get together.
There was a knock on the door, and the boy, having thrown it wide open, with a bold step in front of his mother burst into the office. Lively, crafty look. Fast but adequate movement. Seeing the doctor, he froze in the center of the office, stared at him for a moment with a somewhat suspicious smile, then quickly assessed the situation with a searching glance. Mom carefully sat down on the edge of the couch.
- Hi who are you? was the first question of the doctor.
- Yarik, - the look was clearly sly, but a good-natured smile somehow concealed it. The eyes were running.
There was a pause. They looked at the boy intently, as if shining through, probing them with their eyes. Any adult would at least be embarrassed.
From the behavior, one could guess that the child had already dealt with people in white coats, and this experience was hardly colored by fear. But now, for the kid, everything must have looked a little strange. Some uncle stared silently, my mother sits and says nothing, nothing happens. However, there is no particular threat. You can safely explore the window, cabinet and other items. The kid went around the office, looking out of the corner of his eye at the doctor. At times he opened his mouth wide in my direction, as if by chance showing his teeth and slightly sticking out his tongue.
- Do you have friends?
- Yeah, - stretched out.
- Can you count?
“Yes,” he opened his mouth again with all his might and showed his teeth.
- Until which date?
In response, the boy began to count fluently, without straying, and was quite ready to count until supper. There was no extra time and I had to interrupt such an exciting lesson.
- Come here, open your mouth and stick out your tongue - the fulfillment of the usual requirement of any pediatrician should not be hindered.
He stuck his tongue out as far as he could. At the same time, sly sparks danced in his eyes.
- Are you listening to mom?
In response, he made a grimace in which he tried to simultaneously express all his mixed feelings for the whole world and for his mother, who was the main and main reason for this world. After that, as if grimacing threateningly, he bared his teeth at me again, but, unable to withstand my gaze, turned away. Going to his mother, he climbed onto her knees, hugged her neck and laid his wide open mouth to her cheek. Mom made no effort to remove her son. Having deviated himself and as if taking aim, the boy poked his mother in the left eye with his finger, then with all his might in the right and then again, opening his mouth wide for a bite or kiss, he kissed his cheek.
- He does it on purpose, trying to piss me off, - already pushing him away, the woman said with irritation. - Sometimes it is generally unbearable, does not give a rest for a minute, behaves like an animal.
- Animal! Mom is an animal, - the boy repeated a little louder, with the same sly expression on his face, ready to burst out laughing.
- Are you punishing him?
- Well, it happens, and you have to spank, and what to do if he does not understand.
- Are you hitting him?
- Well, yes, - she answered a little guiltily, - but more often I just break down and my mother.
- Do you swear at him? - the voice guessed wariness.
- Well, not at him, well, in your hearts you will swear in front of him, but how?
- From whom else did he hear the mate? - the interest could not be hidden, the situation was so classic.
“Yes, from my grandmother much more often, and from me too,” Mom answered, slightly surprised by the doctor’s attention to such trifles.
There was another pause in the office. To comprehend the information received, a timeout was definitely required.
“I'll eat now,” the boy said loudly in the ensuing silence and again gently hugged his mother, touched her with his whole body, kissed his lips. Then he turned in my direction, slid off my mother’s knees and began to walk around the office, playfully glancing first at my mother, then at the doctor, opening his mouth wide and showing his teeth. At the same time, he closely followed the reaction of both.
- He begs, just begs, and I can no longer restrain myself, I calm down only when I speak out … - she seemed to continue to explain why she allows herself to express herself like that in front of her son.
The overall picture suddenly became as if convex, clear, complete, as if stepping out of the shadows. Now the question has come to the fore: how to convey the essence of the relationship between a 6-year-old son and mother, without causing shock to the latter, while maintaining her trust and substantiating recommendations.
“I understand that this is wrong…” she added in an apologetic tone.
- It's not even that. As part of this consultation, I don’t think I will be able to reveal to you the depth of your relationship with your child and the reasons for your dissatisfaction with him. He provokes you, you see it, but you do not understand why and why. Hidden from you are the sensations that are caused in his mental health by the foul language heard from the people closest to him.
The child unconsciously establishes the closest psychological connection with his mother, so he can also receive a feeling of safety and security from her. In this case, the child develops adequately, creating a sense of balance with the environment. Correct development also presupposes the gradual acquisition by the child of the achievements of culture accumulated by humanity. Today we all have a fairly significant cultural superstructure, which plays a key role in limiting our primary ancient urges, especially hostile ones.
Swearing, obscene language is, in a sense, the reverse side of this culture, developed over millennia, therefore, such words destroy the cultural layer, deprive the child of conditions in which his mental capacity is capable of adequately developing. The mother's utterance of obscene words - the reverse side of culture - interferes with the child, first of all, from acquiring cultural skills (therefore, like a small animal, a six-year-old child can poke his fingers in the face of people). And secondly, inadequate development does not create in him a sense of balance with the environment, thereby causing a loss of a sense of security and security, manifested as aggressiveness and provocation.
Just take and forbid yourself to spontaneously in your hearts not to swear, not to be angry with the child - there are very few chances. Especially when he actively provokes: he scratches his face, pokes his fingers indiscriminately in the eyes, does not obey. You just need nerves of iron and hellish patience. And this is extremely rare, otherwise we would not be talking here.
But there is a way out. To fully understand what exactly is happening to you and the child in reality, to realize the reasons for both your behavior and the child's reaction - all this is possible at the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan. The result will be natural and permanent, your impulses and uncontrolled reactions will simply dissipate. You will be surprised how quickly your balanced and balanced state affects the child. Take this step for yourself and for him. And of course, as a side effect, your relationship with your mother will improve as well.
- I really want this, - the young mother even leaned forward. - I'm already interested … and important.
- So let's summarize. Do you think we managed to come to the understanding that there is no need for a child to be treated by a neurologist for anything? And even more so there is no need to influence him with medication. Even if some of your colleagues, as is often the case, insist on behavioral correction, I recommend that you do not succumb to beliefs, at least until you get the basic concepts about yourself, your child and mother at the training on system-vector psychology. After that, I assure you, the need for additional consultations will disappear completely.
- Thank. I will definitely do this.”The young woman's face showed complete confidence in my words. - I would not like to give him any pills. Of course, I do not consider him sick, but I really need to realize what may be wrong with him and how his behavior can be changed. Today I heard a lot of new things, before none of the doctors told me anything like that. And I will definitely try, I want to do my best.
The child caught the mother's movement and was the first to rush to the exit, looking around for a second.
Proofreader: Natalia Konovalova
