How to tell your child about the death of a loved one
People know they are mortal. But at the same time, the topic of death remains banned and is not discussed unless absolutely necessary. And in such moments, when we are forced to talk about it with the child, we are simply not ready to talk.
How to tell a child about death?
"Sonny, our daddy died and will never come back to us!" - a friend howled drawn out when she saw her son. The six-year-old boy looked at his mother in dismay. I took the child by the hand and quickly went out into the street with him. Only one thought worried: "How to tell a child about the death of his father?"
I carried everything in a row: about the soul flying to heaven, about the father-angel protecting the boy from all troubles … And he was silent. He did not cry or scream, serious and like a little peasant.
- What happened to dad?
- Accident.
- Couldn't the doctors have cured him?
- They didn't have time …
- And I won't be able to talk to him anymore?
- He will come to you in your dreams. You can talk to him about everything in the world.
He raised his head and looked me in the eyes so intently that I stopped short. And then he said:
- Why are we born if we die anyway?
I could not find what to answer, thinking that I could not explain to the kid about the meaning of life in a nutshell. And, embarrassed, she began to babble something about God and that there was a plan.
- Why did God allow Daddy to die?
I was confused again …
People know they are mortal. But at the same time, the topic of death remains banned and is not discussed unless absolutely necessary. And in such moments, when we are forced to talk about it with the child, we are simply not ready to talk.
Now, after Yuri Burlan's training in System-Vector Psychology, I periodically replay that terrible day in my head and think that now I would answer him? How to tell a child about death?
He knows everything and will understand
Between the ages of five and nine, many children know that all life dies. But only children with sound and visual vectors really care about this issue.
Little sound people very early ask questions about why we come to this world. And when such a child asks about death, he means life after it. He can think in terms of "eternity" and "infinity".
An attempt to deceive such a child, to invent or embellish what happened will end in fiasco. Sound specialists are able to distinguish meanings behind words. A sound engineer, even at the age of 5-6 years, is already able to understand and comprehend adult judgments.
I didn’t know then that the boy had a sound vector. Outwardly calm, without tears and hysterics, inside he experienced a storm of emotions. The screams of a mother, distraught with grief, can deprive a child of a sense of security and safety, as a result of which he can close, hide in the depths of his inner world.
Therefore, the best thing would then be to tell the kid that we come to this world for a while. And that each of us, with his desires, his thoughts, his joy from the moments lived, fills the common Soul with joy. It is very important for the sound child to receive confirmation that death is not the end. It is even more important to hear that there is a deep meaning in every life and death.
Don't scream in the presence of a sound baby! Speak to him in a low voice, affectionate and friendly. Create for him an atmosphere of peace and quiet, in which he can be alone with himself and his thoughts. Play classical music in the background. Read and discuss good books together. And keep answering questions without worrying that he won't understand you. For a sound introvert, communication with the world in childhood is carried out primarily through the mother.
When a child is very afraid of death
Visual children ask about death in an effort to preserve their life. The fear of the dark and the fear of death are their natural fears. Perceiving the world through light and color, they associate the absence of light with danger to life.
Such babies can cry and immediately switch to ringing laughter. Endowed with a special emotionality, they have a rich imagination. They say about such people: "He will make an elephant out of a fly."
“Is he cold underground? Is he scared there? Is death like a dream? " - the big eyes of the visual girl are wide open, tears are trembling on the eyelashes, ready to break loose and roll down the alarmed face. To my words that after death a person is no longer afraid, our visual daughter replied: “Scary, mother! Close your eyes. Do you see how dark it is? Can you imagine if we die - it will always be so dark! Nothing will happen!"
Visual children are capable of deeply experiencing the severance of emotional ties. The loss of a sense of security and safety at the time of the death of a loved one can lead to serious consequences not only for his psyche, but also for his vision. The eyes are the mirror of the soul of the visual person. When a visual child suffers mental distress, it is the sight that is hit.
Expect a toddler who is over-stressed from loss to cry and act hysterical. Help him bring his emotions out, focus his attention on love and compassion. It can be explained that although a person is no longer physically, he is alive in our feelings. The love that bound them will forever remain in him - it will always live, because love is stronger than death.
In the future, you can read with him fairy tales of compassion, such as "Girl with matches", "Children of the dungeon." They will help show your child that love is when you give others your feelings and emotions. It will be easier for him to get through the trauma if his mother teaches him to take care of other people, together to help those who are in poor condition and who need help and compassion. Otherwise, he may be stuck in fears for life.
Feeling of fear or love - one for two with mom
The most important thing is to keep the child's sense of security and safety, without which the child cannot cope with stress on his own. The situation associated with the loss of a loved one is over-stress. And mom will be stressed too.
The child is not able to defend himself until a certain age, he reads the state of the mother. The poor mental state of the mother is reflected in the condition of the baby.
So the mother first of all needs to be in a balanced state, focus on loved ones and prepare for a conversation with the child. Do not hide from him what happened. Talk to him in a language he understands, in simple words, calmly. Explain why you are upset. You cannot lie and keep silent, because anyway someone will tell the child about it when mom is not around. And the baby will experience great fright.
Protect your little one from going to cemeteries! The sight and voices of crying people, funeral processions, cemeteries and coffins - all these attributes of death will only add to his fears and experiences.
To know how to talk to a child in any situation and to keep him feeling protected and safe in any life circumstances, come to Yuri Burlan's training on system-vector psychology.
Register for free online lectures on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan right now.
