My husband's permafrost. Diary of a programmer's wife
"He does not love me. He does not tell me about his love at all, does not give gifts and in no way shows that he needs me at least a little. " Familiar thoughts? It seems that you are completely surrendering to the person, investing in the relationship without a trace, and in return you get the usual "nothing" and a look into nowhere.
"He does not love me. He does not tell me about his love at all, does not give gifts and in no way shows that he needs me at least a little."
Familiar thoughts? It seems that you are completely surrendering to the person, investing in the relationship without a trace, and in return you get the usual "nothing" and a look into nowhere. Your emotions crash against the wall of insensibility, your flame is hastily extinguished when it collides with selected ice. And every day it is harder and harder to convince yourself that everything is fine.
You write messages - dozens. And in response - rare words. Often cold. Even more often - laconic. He has almost no conversation and is quite capable of responding in a few days. Go crazy, falling into emotions, but still rejoice like a child when you see the simplest "hello". Then he disappears again, and you begin to scold yourself that you were again led by this intoxicating feeling of connection with him. And you don’t understand why you were attracted to the unfeeling block again.
But before you have time to convince yourself that everything is meaningless, like a short message or an offer to meet (oh, miracle!) Returns you from earth to heaven. Life is wonderful again, the world is filled with joy and colors. And in general, love - it, you know, exists.
It seems to you that this meeting will put everything in its place. You are beautiful, he almost makes contact, which means that not everything is lost, and in general - "he is a man!" … And all the men "need one thing", no matter how they show themselves. It wasn't like that. Silent, cold. He keeps the conversation going, but speaks softly, as if to himself. His smile is cold, and his gaze is somehow bottomless and insensitive at the same time. Or do you think?
You see him like that. Handsome, with an endless, ambiguous look and with such an expression on his face, as if in his mind he was trying to prove Poincaré's hypothesis. And at the same time, when he looks at you - did it seem? - in his eyes some more light comes on, but he is so fleeting that it is difficult to catch.
Maybe they managed to develop a relationship. Burning with emotions, piously believing that “my love is enough for both of us with a head”, happy and contented, you are next to the object of your love, going crazy with pleasure. The euphoria passes quickly, and every day you feel more and more the lack of his attention and his initiative. You do not understand why he does not speak about his love at all. You don't see any feelings on his face. Or an open smile. He hardly laughs. And speaks little.
After some time, a feeling comes that the closer he is physically, the further in his feelings. He either hovers in the clouds, or is constantly in some completely unfamiliar and beyond your control world. And maybe you could share his aspirations - he won't let him. He mechanically moves around the house, and you can't even stop him. It is as if it is surrounded by an invisible wall, crossing which, you risk causing displeasure. Or provoke a final withdrawal into oneself.
He does not hear when you speak to him. If you recall an old promise, you are surprised: “I don’t remember… there wasn’t such a thing”. You begin to get angry, offended, but again, just catching his gaze, you spread out with pleasure, awe and some completely inappropriate tenderness and love. Once again, you forgive him everything in the world and even go to the balcony with him - stand side by side while he smokes.
Over time, the feeling that he is and you are in the role of a stranger becomes more acute. You seem to be, you seem to be needed, but there is no feeling that he needs you. He emphasizes that he is selfish and in general he is HE. And you in his life - so … The question of who you are for him remains unanswered. And you yourself puzzle over what is happening and where your relationship is heading. You try to throw a tantrum at him, but you don't get any response - he just withdraws into himself. He only frowns when screaming and turns off completely, hiding in the computer.
Your senses don't deal with such powerful barriers. And you begin to understand that you simply cannot do it alone. What is he? Everything, as it seems, does not take any part in building relationships. He's on his own. And he hurries to emphasize his own individuality and exclusivity. There is not enough strength for both, and it seems that the relationship is about to go to the bottom. You are convinced for the hundredth time that you have contacted the iceberg again. Again, something goes wrong.
What kind of iceberg is this? And is there even the slightest opportunity to melt these Arctic ice and get through to the much-desired and necessary? Let's look at the problem through the prism of the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan.
Iceberg outside, volcano inside
Such a relationship is characteristic of an emotional, bright, sensual woman with a visual vector and a cold, aloof, self-centered man with a sound vector. The famous sound vector, detached, out of this world and seemingly not adapted to physical life and not knowing what love is. Icepout. Externally.
But he is really absolutely cold outside - this is a normal state for a person with a sound vector. At the same time, what the viewer, while living, spills out, the sound engineer experiences inside. Imagine a sphere sealed without a single gap. With a smooth, cold surface. You can never understand, no matter how much you touch it, no matter how much you look at it, what is inside. It is uniformly cold and unchanging. Even if the shell hides the flame. The sound engineer is focused on himself and his states. And he needs this concentration to fulfill his specific role. Listening to the sounds outside, focusing on himself, he is the only one of all who is able to answer the question that drives him crazy: "Who am I?" …
A soundman is an abyss, a black hole, to which vision is firmly attracted, next to it, not experiencing fears. Hence the suffering about unrequited love, "he doesn't love me, he doesn't need me." Looking at the world through ourselves, not finding the usual response, we easily go to the wrong conclusions and convince ourselves of them. In fact, he does not show emotions - it does not mean at all that he does not love and “is not needed”. The sound vector is not capable of external manifestation of emotions. Everything that he lives, he lives within himself. But there, inside, there are real hurricanes and armageddons of the local flood.
It is not easy for them to go outside and contact people. They build relationships on a completely different level, but they are not able to give the viewer the emotional volume that he needs. He solves the problems of the universe, and you tell him about some kind of love and the absence of bouquets … If the sound engineer is in a normal state, a vacuum is not felt next to him. He does not blur in emotions, but quite sensibly maintains communication and connection with loved ones.
But if the sound is traumatized, we are dealing with a completely different picture.
Separation from the world and the illusion of existence
If you touch the antennae of a snail, it will instantly hide in a shell. So noises, twitches, flickering bring tangible suffering to the sound engineer, from which he tries with all his might to get rid of. The only way to get away from the world is to withdraw into yourself. If you yell at a sound engineer in childhood, we get a mentally traumatized, sick person. His abnormality will be noticeable. She can manifest herself as a very real and diagnosable disease - schizophrenia.
If the sound has time to develop, but cannot be realized after puberty, the picture changes. Such a person is quite capable of learning how to maintain contact. He knows how to communicate with people, greets, observes some kind of public order, studies, starts relationships. For socialization, the properties of the lower vectors are used, while the sound in the lack of meaning goes deeper and deeper into itself. Such a person is extremely closed on himself, on his egocentrism. In this state of concentration on himself, he dislikes everything that distracts him from this concentration. Very annoying. And he tries in any way to avoid the influence of the outside world, gradually losing contact with him.
It is in such cases that a woman feels like a completely unnecessary detail, an interior item, an addition to a computer. She crashes against coldness and a wall of incomprehension. She thinks that he does not care, but in fact, he simply does not see her. He can sleep with her, live, maybe be a husband. But his perception of the world is different. The world is illusory. A woman, whether she is or not, is part of this illusory world. And she's not a priority.
The reason for such states is the crazy lack of sound that beats a person, not allowing him to breathe. He feels dissatisfaction, pain, suffers inside himself and at the same time closes himself off from all this, suffocating in his own egocentrism. Outwardly, it looks like detachment, depression and isolation in oneself. In his speech there is a solid “I”, it seems that he is only interested in himself. He does not care, does not think about anything else and is not able to give any attention. His phrases are on duty, they are adequate to the conversation, but rather courteous than sincere.
Next to such a sound person, the visual woman does not feel any fulfillment. She is uncomfortable, strange, she constantly breaks against the ice wall. The entire range of her feelings and emotions is sucked into the black hole. And she herself is only left with emptiness. Having set herself the goal of “saving” him, she can get lost in his lacks and fall into a cruel love addiction, from which it is not so easy to get out.
At the same time, it is practically impossible to really help him. He must want to do something, want to change the situation and want to accept help. The most difficult thing for the sound engineer himself is to understand that something is going wrong and take the first step out of the shell. He is self-centered. His "I", his shell do not allow him to interact with the world, receive information from there and live a full life. And yet his egocentrism does not allow him to see the slightest flaw in himself.
"If you don't like something, the door is over there."
He is outwardly indifferent. And he does not understand that everything has long been rolling into the abyss, like himself. The implementation is necessary for the sound engineer. Likewise, it takes effort to get out of the shell and, finally, notice someone who is at arm's length. Notice and draw your attention to it. Feel it.
