My husband's alcoholic calendar
With alcohol, a person tries to drown out his lacks. This is a way to relieve unbearable tension when there is no way to keep stress. What to do? Leave? And the child? Where to live? How to live? And even feelings for her husband …
Not everyone who drinks is a poet.
Many people drink precisely because they are not poets.
Dudley Moore
Tired of the daily evening "pivasik" and sometimes the "white" husband, Lera hung a calendar on the refrigerator.
- Don't you think you drink a lot? Don't you think this is alcoholism ?! Here. Now I will celebrate the days when you drink …
Two months later, there was not a single uncrossed number. And that meant … Yes. Every day … Now beer, now liquor, then vodka or brandy. A friend's son was born. He defended his candidate. Niece invited to the wedding. Ours lost in hockey (it was generally a tragedy with a reason to drink for a week, and hard).
- Kostya does not consider himself an alcoholic. And I'm tired, - she complained on the phone to a friend.
She was embarrassed to tell her parents. It's a shame. She got married, gave birth to a child. What was she thinking about? The husband works, supports his family, is economic. For three years she persuaded herself. Everyone drinks, who doesn't? It doesn't hit, it doesn't lie under the bench. But all the same, I went to the center for help for drug addicts and alcoholics. For a consultation to calm down.
It wasn't like that. Here she was told that a person who even drinks once a week is already considered an alcoholic. An experienced specialist drew on the blackboard how the brain works and what happens when we drink. Alcohol has changed the husband's ability to have pleasure in a different way, now there is nothing without it, a "dose" is needed.
And she also has a diagnosis: codependency.
She shoveled a lot of literature on this topic. And the more I read, the more I understood what trap I had fallen into.
I tried to explain to my husband, but he did not perceive the information and left this topic. He joked and smiled at his wife's quirks. He even told his friends about Lerochka's new hobby: “He wants to become a doctor, change a profession. He takes care of my health, see? I hid the second bottle already”.
To joke with friends, especially when "we sit well", are very fond of men with a specific vector of the psyche, which is impossible not to recognize.
Lera more than once recalled the words of the head of the help center - "Not a single alcoholic will ever recognize himself as such." Yes. It was like that. It is useless to talk. She was convinced of this long ago. No tears, no persuasion, no threats of divorce helped.
What to do? Leave? And the child? Where to live? How to live? And even feelings for her husband …
But it was impossible to live like that.
Leave or …
Girlfriends, psychologists, many in our time hang up a man's label "alcoholic" and inspire their wives: "Go away."
- While young, you will still build your happiness, - Lerina's friend did not give up, convincing how wonderful a single life is, and talking about her men.
- You are obliged to protect yourself and the child, you are a mother. Alcoholism is a disease. Or do you expect your son to become an orphan if suddenly your husband drinks too much and does something to you? - the psychologist insisted frighteningly.
This made Lera even more aggravated the feeling that her beloved husband so dearly was sick without a day and had to leave.
It was really difficult for her. The husband in front of his eyes lost the ability to enjoy simple things until he drinks. Family charms, quirks of the baby, like Lera herself, did not cause a sparkle in his eyes. Either angry, grumpy, or indifferent. And everyone wants happiness …
Diving deep into relationships
Once she fell in love. Strong feelings distorted reality, forcing to look at a loved one through rose-colored glasses. Lera knew that he liked to drink, but did not think about it.
Lera gives birth to a son, cooks dinners, lives frugally, not demanding anything. But it hurts. That he loves vodka more than her. That she cannot become for him the incentive that will make him stop drinking and be inspired by life.
And Kostya … He's really good, smart. He defended his candidate. He will give the last panties to a friend (and it doesn't matter that the wife cooks one potato every day). But he is reliable, loyal. Of course, she would like that, instead of a couple of bottles and a feast with friends, he spent this money on decent curtains and a sofa, or better on his own home or a trip to the sea. But Kostya has his own values and priorities.
Why is Kostya drinking? This is how life developed. Many honest guys are out of work in our time. Scientific works are evaluated by diplomas, but not by salary. The multi-million dollar projects developed by Kostya in the field of agriculture were shut down by the capital's bribery organizations at the last moment. Every day he is promised funding, fed with breakfast, and he believes and waits.
With alcohol, a person tries to drown out his lacks. This is a way to relieve unbearable tension when there is no way to keep stress. This is most difficult for people with the properties of the psyche of the anal vector. People with such psychological characteristics have the greatest fear of change and the unpredictability of life. Uncertainty about the future, which is massively present in Russia, the impossibility of taking place in social life, the resulting family problems turn into alcoholism, when men cannot fully realize themselves, and women do not know how to support and direct them.
His soul
Kostya wants to be a real man. Does not give slack, does not show feelings. He does not devote Leroux to his affairs, wanting to do everything himself, and she thinks that he does nothing. And he still does, he just does not say so that he can immediately lay down the well-deserved awards for all her labors at her feet. And more than anything else in these difficult times, he needs her support, faith in him.
So that she was there and did not whine that there was no money, did not grumble every day at the sight of beer bottles. It also hurts him to see her like this … She cuts and cuts. And it seems to Kostya that she loves "nagging" more than him. And this is a stab in the back for him: "Doesn't respect, considers an alcoholic, doesn't want to understand …"
Disappointment in life, in oneself, in people, with dumb pain, lay on my heart. Does he worry? Can he tell her about it, turning into a weakling in her eyes? “Men don't cry,” Kostya thinks. And carries everything in itself. It accumulates. And it pours out … in a "pain reliever" with a decent degree.
Friends … "Oh, those friends!" - Lera complains.
And they understand it, they have the same pain. And they escape from her together, with drinks.
Where is the exit?
What can a woman do? She cannot change the other person, but she can understand him. To understand what is happening to him, what hurts so desperately inside him that makes him reach for a glass again and again. Understanding a person, we stop blaming him, even provoking him somewhere, and this removes a huge burden from the soul and can become a saving thread, the beginning of dialogue and change.
When you really understand your husband, you see the situation through his eyes - you find words to properly support, you become able to open up, trust, ask - not demand … And if a man has potential, he will want to change his life, find a way out. After all, the beloved woman is his main inspiration.
The training "System-Vector Psychology" helps to understand oneself, to sort out one's despair. When you realize how your own state can affect the situation, you see what codependency is, then naturally you begin to behave differently. The training provides amazing resistance to stress. As a result of understanding oneself and others, resentment, irritation, emotional instability, depression go away. Energy appears, because you evaluate everything that happens in a completely different way and you begin to see the way out.
Thousands of people who have completed the training "System Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan have already managed to cope with addictions and family difficulties, and become truly happy:
