Feel dumb, what's wrong with me
But what if it is simply impossible, if you do not perceive the information? No answer. And although I recognized myself in some of the descriptions, there was no answer to the question of why I feel stupid …
I am reading the sentence for the tenth time. I'm trying to understand, but I can't. Focus dissipates, letters slide away. The brain is empty.
How, when did the OS crash? The computer seems to be working, but it is frozen. And it is impossible to do anything with it.
So, at 16, I feel stupid.
Until the sixth grade, I studied very well. Especially I was given mathematics, physics and chemistry. I even considered myself smarter than many, because the topics that interested me - how stars coexist in space, how the world works, what is the general meaning of life - seemed more mature than the interests of my classmates. I went to the Olympiads, brought diplomas from republican competitions.
The stupidity appeared somewhere in the 10th grade. We were already being prepared for the fact that in the coming year we will have to work hard so that the entire high school class can enter universities. I was very stressed: "How can I pass the final exams if I don't understand anything stupidly?"
It was almost impossible for me to focus on the teacher's words. I perceived the letters, individual words, remembered their meaning, but could not comprehend entirely. It was as if there was a white noise in my head: someone was saying something, but I just didn't understand anything - it was dregs.
During the breaks, worried about my condition, I could hardly talk to anyone. I just could not find what to say, everything seemed out of place. And everything was perceived as meaningless. Talking about parties and get-togethers in the city, even about girls, didn't catch me. Cars, new mobile apps … I wasn't interested in that. It seemed to me that I no longer want anything in life. I was hanging out, stupid, unable to keep up the conversation. What to say, what to do if you feel dumb? How to continue to exist in this world?
When I first spoke to my mother about this, she could not understand me. I've heard:
- Stop complaining.
- Take responsibility, you are growing up as a man.
- Study harder and you will feel better.
- And I told you to throw out your shooters.
- What do you mean, you don't know what to say? So, take it through force and communicate!
- You are generally kind of strange …
Since I had already begun to receive Cs and Cs, she and my father were very skeptical about my idea of entering the Faculty of Artificial Intelligence. They said that this sphere is too cool and I will not break through.
Once I accidentally overheard their conversation, they said that they no longer expected success from me. They hoped that I would "become a human being," and now they are thinking of transferring me to a regular school so that upon graduation I will receive a certificate with higher grades. I felt pain, humiliation and resentment.
I locked myself in my room and played computer games for hours. There I met with friends whom I had never seen in real life. We played and talked in parallel. They advised what to read from science fiction, and then shared their impressions. There was a feeling that they are closer to me than my acquaintances in real life. But even to them I didn’t tell them that I felt stupid and worthless.
Sometimes I didn't talk to anyone at all. I just drove my bike into town and drove around late. I didn't want to go home: alone, under the stars it was calmer. And when my parents were not at home, I turned on the speakers at such a volume that the walls were shaking. So I could isolate myself from everything behind them.
What psychologists advise
I didn't know what was happening to me. I seriously thought that this was a sign of some form of juvenile dementia. Because there were moments when I was afraid to go crazy from reading material on physics or stupidly from trying to understand what the teacher was saying.
With this question, hoping to find an answer, I went to the Internet. On websites and forums, psychologists tried to explain this condition and gave advice that was little available for use:
But what if it is simply impossible, if you do not perceive the information?
Although I recognized myself in some of the descriptions, there was no answer to the question of why I feel dumb.
I'm a sound engineer. And I am normal
When I found an article about sound vector, I recognized myself in descriptions. I understood what was happening to me and why, where did this white noise in my head come from. It turns out there is an explanation for everything.
I'm a sound engineer. And I am normal.
The peculiarity of the psyche of sound specialists is that our organ of hearing is especially sensitive. What does it mean?
It is through our ears that we especially sensitively perceive the outside world: the noise of the city, the conversations of people, music, calls for a break, the rustle of rain and gusts of wind.
I remember the period when at night I shuddered from the harsh voice of my mother, who exploded at my father. She burst into my room, turned on the light, not paying attention to the fact that I was already asleep, and tried to make me a judge in their argument. Such pulls were repeated often, and I noticed that I began to fall asleep with incredible difficulty, and the dream itself was very sensitive.
The mode "from 23:00 to 7:00" did not help. I could not fall asleep if I heard a little TV in my parents' room or if one of them walked from room to kitchen and back. I easily woke up from loud conversations of neighbors behind the wall or from the breathing of a cat when she came to sleep on my pillow. To sleep, I needed sterile silence.
Sound people are people who are especially sensitive to the meaning of words. Even if we are not yelled at, it is enough for us to simply understand what exactly a person means by the words “fool”, “idiot”, “you are nobody”, so that it will hurt us. We automatically begin to perceive the endless chatter of peers about parties and gadgets as unnecessary hum.
When the outside world constantly attacks us with insults and meaningless noise, we begin to withdraw into ourselves in search of answers to the main questions: who I am and why I exist. Then headphones with loud music and computer games become an armored wall behind which we can take a break from the attack of the outside world. We are looking for the answer within ourselves:
I realized that life outside for me is filled with pain. The inability to concentrate and perceive information is a defensive reaction of my psyche to a frantic stream of painful sounds and meanings. On the one hand, loud arguments between parents and classmates, on the other, the loss of oneself and the meaning of life.
Classmates also did not know what they wanted. But they, at least, were satisfied with the idea of law faculty or pedagogy and that if something happened, their parents would attach them through their friends. And for the future it always seemed to me not enough just to go to work. It is not clear why? Just getting money to feed your family stupidly? What's the point of this?
At Yuri Burlan's training, I received answers to my questions. I understood myself and the people around me, our differences with them. Thanks to this, it became easy and exciting to return to reality and perceive what others are saying. But the main thing is that in the diverse manifestation of the world of people and phenomena, I began to distinguish the system. Often I go out onto the balcony and watch the clouds change their shape due to the scattering of light by water vapor and ice particles. At night - behind the starry sky. I am filled with silence and awareness of myself as a part of something larger, a single whole, of something that continues to shine when the stars themselves no longer exist.
Thomas Edison spoke only at the age of four. At 11 he became deaf, at 12 he was called "retarded" and sent to home school.
He later became an inventor and entrepreneur. He invented the phonograph, improved the telegraph, telephone, cinema equipment, developed the best version of the electric incandescent lamp.
Albert Einstein could not learn to speak for a long time. Domestic servants called him "dumb." A relative considered him "mentally underdeveloped." A. Einstein was kicked out of school by a teacher. Another teacher said that something good would never come of him. Einstein became the luminary of physics. He developed the law of interrelation of mass and energy, Special and General theories of relativity, quantum theories of the photoelectric effect and heat capacity, and much more.
Konstantin Tsiolkovsky became deaf at the age of 11. Disconnected with people, could not study, stayed for the second year, and was expelled in the third grade. He later became an inventor and philosopher. He laid the foundation for theoretical cosmonautics, wrote works on aeronautics and rocket dynamics.
Benjamin Franklin - two-grade education, self-taught. Years later - the best inventor, diplomat, scientist, writer and business strategist. He proved the electrical nature of lightning and invented a rod that allows him to tame it. He built economical stoves, discovered the Gulf Stream, created bifocals and a new musical instrument - a glass harmonica.
Isaac Newton in childhood and adolescence was silent, withdrawn and isolated. He became one of the founders of classical physics. He discovered the law of universal gravitation and three laws of mechanics. Mathematician, astronomer.
All these geniuses are people with a sound vector. It is the sound people who are often considered stupid, out of this world, diagnosed with autism. They feel strange themselves.
But every sound engineer is potentially a genius. Only not everyone knows yet what his unconscious is capable of …