When the parents split up. Mom, dad, it's not my fault
It so happens that young parents disagree, not finding mutual understanding and common values. And both reproach each other. He reproaches her for being a bad wife. And she reproaches her husband that he earned little and the family did not have enough. And then the baby is growing up, and additional responsibility falls on the parents …
“I remember the time when mom and dad were together. And then dad left, and immediately it became so lonely! There is no one to play football with on the street. There is no one to discuss cars with. Life seemed to slow down. And only mom walks with a tear-stained face and repeats: “Dad is a goat! Why did I just get involved in a relationship with him? Why did I marry this freak? After all, it was clear from the very beginning that nothing good would come of it!"
And dad was good. He talked about how the machine works. We went to the playground together with him. And mom always had no time. She works very hard. She works two jobs and often takes a part-time job at home.
And some uncle comes to her in the evening and takes her for the whole night. I saw myself when I was awake. Actually, I don't sleep well without my dad. But I lie with my eyes closed and pretend to sleep so that my mother does not worry. And then he will start to swear. And I can’t stand her cry and tears.
I also heard my mom say to her friend in the kitchen: “How he looks like dad! And eyes, and a leisurely gait, and phrases! I just can not! I want to hit him, but I restrain myself. Another grows up! Just like a father! How painful it is! I am raising the same child as his father was! Why do I need this?"
It so happens that young parents disagree, not finding mutual understanding and common values. And both reproach each other. He reproaches her for being a bad wife. And she reproaches her husband that he earned little and the family did not have enough. And then the baby grows up, and additional responsibility falls on the parents.
Mom is worried about the impact a bad, in her opinion, husband can have on a growing son. And the father insists on seeing the child. Calls several times a day. The mother worries about the child and forbids meetings without her presence.
And at these meetings, she wants to strangle her ex-husband. For the fact that it is so hard for her with a child like him. For the fact that she does not receive real help from him in raising a child. For the fact that the money he gives is sold out in a week, and she has to plow like a horse in order to ensure a decent future for her son. Moreover, after these meetings, the child is capricious, asks that dad was there, as before … I have no strength to endure it!
What to do? How to communicate with your ex-husband? Should he be allowed to meet with his son? Why is the child so eager to be with dad? What is he missing? And how to stop lashing out at a child who is so similar to his father in slowness, sluggishness and all his features? The System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan will help to understand this particular case.
The world through the eyes of a child
Systems Vector Psychology explains that a child, before the end of puberty, around the age of 16, needs most of all the sense of security and safety provided by his parents. To be more precise, the mother usually gives the child a feeling of security first of all.
It is the parents who are the guarantor of his survival, the guarantee that he will not remain helpless in this world. In turn, a woman receives a sense of security and safety from her husband, the father of her child.
But for a variety of reasons, the relationship between parents may not go well, and, tired of continuous conflicts, they can break the relationship. Of course, such a decision is not easy for them and it is usually made with the aim of reducing the suffering from the inability to reach each other - each of such a married couple has his own view of the world, of the family, of raising children. And everyone believes that he is definitely right.
In many cases, the breakdown of relations between parents occurs for the good - each of them can still find their happiness. But for a child, this may well be the best way out, because growing up in conditions of constant scandals and clarification of relations between parents is a guarantee of psychotraumas that can negatively affect his development and future fate. Indeed, in this case, even with both parents nearby, he does not receive a sense of security and safety, which is extremely important for the development of the innate properties of the child.
However, being divorced, the mother can also negatively affect the development of the child. When she is concerned about her well-being and her ability to raise her son with dignity, her anxiety is transmitted to the child, and he does not feel safe.
In addition, when a mother complains about a father with a child, it is a huge stress for the son. After all, dad is the closest, most dear person after mom, and it happens that to the same extent as mom. The person with whom the child has formed a strong emotional bond. The son simply cannot understand how he could be bad.
On the other hand, mother can't lie, can she? And the son grows up with such a contradiction in his soul. He feels that the world is unbearably complicated. He is very worried that the people closest to him cannot find a common language.
If nothing is done, it will subsequently be difficult for such a child to form emotional ties with other people, especially if he has a visual vector.
For a person with a visual vector, the meaning of life is in love and creating emotional connections with other people. And if at a very early age he learned how they are torn and how hard and painful it is, then, protecting himself from this pain, the child can close down emotionally. And growing up, he will be afraid of close relationships, a repetition of the negative experience of his parents.
When a child is like a father
Of course, no mother wants a child to have problems. But how can you keep calm and educate him when he looks like his father? And every time you want to break into a child for any reason - so much he resembles his ex-husband.
And it is really hard, because the stronger the attachment to the child's father, the stronger the resentment towards him later. And even when such a mother realizes that in reality she is not offended by the child, but by his father, she cannot help herself.
As a rule, this problem is faced by very patient and caring mothers who have been trying for a long time to maintain a relationship with their husband and for whom the family is of great importance - women with an anal vector.
The properties of their psyche include a good memory, an appeal to the past. Each time looking at a child, such a mother remembers his father and remembers her resentment against him. Seeing the features of the father in the child, she cannot restrain herself and constantly finds fault with the child, criticizes, expresses claims to him.
It is common for a person with an anal vector to notice any flaws - such people are perfectionists who want to bring everything to perfection. With the correct implementation of innate properties, this desire makes a person with an anal vector the highest professional in his field.
However, when a person with an anal vector is offended and disappointed, his ability to notice the mistakes of others is used not as constructive criticism, but in order to take out his resentment through verbal sadism. At the same time, reproaches, which are actually addressed to the father, pour down on the child with an immature, immature psyche. The child undeservedly receives his portion of claims. He has to answer instead of his father for what he did not do.
Guilty of everything
This situation is most difficult for a child with an anal vector. In such conditions, he feels not just deprived of a sense of security and safety, but guilty in everything that happens to his mother. He strives to do whatever is asked of him, good, perfect. But no matter how well he does, his mother still criticizes him.
In addition, in our story, the mother also has a skin vector, which is opposite in properties to the anal one. People with a skin vector do everything quickly, they can combine several things at the same time. Therefore, the mother is irritated by the slowness and sluggishness of the anal son. And to the anal resentment, skin irritation is added for his sluggishness, for the fact that he has to spend so much time with the child, and she cannot go about her business.
Here the vital values of the mother and the child collide: she, as a representative of the skin vector, wants to provide it financially. To do this, she works in several jobs. To this end, she is looking for a new man who can provide for her and the child. A child with an anal vector needs the care and attention of the mother, praise, so that she slowly, step by step, teach him.
In an effort to please the mother, such a child may forget about his own desires. So, in the presence of an anal-visual ligament of vectors, a complex of a good boy is formed, when with all his actions he wants to earn approval and acceptance from his mother.
In addition, growing up, such a child experiences enormous difficulties in building a relationship in a couple, because he feels guilty for everything that happens. He strives with all his might to be the best, but he constantly finds new flaws in himself and endlessly castigates himself.
How can you provide your child with a better future?
All these consequences can be easily avoided while the child is still young. How to do it? Stop blaming the child's father for all your misfortunes. For this, it is enough for mom to realize her resentment against her ex-husband and understand him and everything that happened in their relationship in a new way. See the real reasons for past disagreements and misunderstandings. And this is possible only when you understand a person from the inside, his true desires, mental properties, the reasons for his words and actions. Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology teaches us to understand other people as ourselves, and this surprisingly changes our relationship with them. Old grievances and everything that interfered with constructive relations naturally go away.
When a woman ceases to be offended by her ex-husband, she can easily agree with him about meetings with the child - this question ceases to be so dramatic. And most importantly, the relationship with the child is changing: instead of claims and reproaches comes understanding and even stronger love. He gains a sense of security and safety and develops in accordance with his natural properties.
The child's psyche goes through its development until the end of puberty. This means that before that time it is still possible to correct all those false attitudes that the child perceived from the negative experience of parental relationships. You can also form his correct attitude to life, teach him to understand and soberly assess the distinctive features of his character and mentality. Teach him to think independently and follow his desires. Preventing the formation of a good boy complex who seeks approval and praise from every person who comes his way.
Many mothers managed to find a common language with their children and such an approach to education so that the child grows up happy even in an incomplete family:
After the first free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan, you begin to understand yourself and your child deeper, what will be best for him, what he wants. You start thinking in other categories.
Register for free online lectures on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan: