Jealousy for the past. Rust of old love in new relationships
… a man with each new partner gains experience that makes him more skillful, courteous, adult - and ultimately a more valuable partner for subsequent passions. But to a woman, each of her “ex” seems to add some invisible baggage, a kind of burden of the past, which as a train stretches after her in all the following relationships …
Everything that was, everything that ached, everything has long since floated away, Were worn out by the caress of the lips, and the soul was pleased.
Everything that sang, everything that melted, everything decayed a long time ago …
Only you, my guitar, are good with the same ringing.
From the repertoire of P. Leshchenko
Jealousy for an ex is a painful phenomenon. In Russian colloquial speech, there is an interesting phenomenon, apparently indirectly reflecting the long-accepted views in society on premarital relations and, in general, on polygamous relations between men and women. If we are talking about a man who had numerous serious relationships with ladies, then they say about him: "an experienced man." If we are talking about a lady who did not live as a nun, then they would rather say about her: "a woman with a past." If we develop the logic inherent in the semantics of these phrases, it turns out that with each new partner, a man gains experience that makes him more skillful, courteous, adult - and in the end a more valuable partner for subsequent passions. But to a woman, each of her "ex" seems to add some invisible baggage, a kind of burden of the past,which trails after her in all the following relationships. Not fair, of course. But, as they say, the expression cannot be erased from the language.
Moreover, both experienced men and women with a past have to equally experience the attacks of their jealous halves. Although the attacks themselves vary greatly both in their intensity and in the motivation of the jealous.
Experienced man
Experienced men often get impressionable, emotional persons in their life companions. And speaking in the language of system-vector psychology - visual and skin-visual girls. Unable to resist the temptation to turn on their rich imagination, and sometimes just not being able to keep it under control, such girls in paints imagine a loved one with an ex … Remember, “But tell me does she kiss like I used to kiss you? Does it feel the same, when she calls your name? " ("Tell me, does she kiss you the way I kissed you? And when she calls you by name, do you feel the same as with me?"). The monologue from the legendary ABB song "The Winner Takes All" is repeated many times, only not with the departed man, but with the one next to him, and in the past tense.
"Who instead of me fell asleep there, on your shoulder ?!" - thousands of women ask their partners, repeating lines from the song of Yulia Savicheva almost word for word. A man, who does not understand the reasons for these questions, tries to evade an answer, laugh it off, change the subject … Why would she do that if this is not an anal woman asking in detail about the past? Why stir up the past if there is a wonderful present, and this man, on whose shoulder someone else once fell asleep, is now always there? In fact, there are not so many reasons, and all of them are directly or indirectly related to the emotional needs of a woman with a visual vector.
First of all, this is the need for experiences, the thirst for emotions, if you like, emotional hunger. Which can be especially sharp if the visual girl got a calm and balanced man as a partner - the owner of the anal vector, for example. Such men are often stingy with emotions, patient and reserved. And they are all good, except for one thing: you can easily die of boredom with this.
And now the visual girl, who needs emotional outbursts, like an H2O flower on a sultry day, begins to look for reasons to "emotionally". And what is not a reason for the previous love stories of the beloved? I came across a photo on the computer, where he hugs a slender blonde in a blue bikini against the background of the sea surf, and immediately a vigilant fantasy helpfully throws up all sorts of "hot" pictures, from which the eyes instantly appear in a wet place … Then they hug in the shade of palm trees on the hot coast, then, holding hands, they rush into the gushing surf, then they swim naked in a transparent pool by the bungalow, etc. The husband's past comes to life before our eyes, the imagination draws on the missing details. Well, how can you not be jealous? And now the wife is waiting at home with tears and reproaches: "And you did not take me to the sea!", "Who is this blonde, why did you not tell me anything?"was the figure better than mine? "," Did you love her more ?! " etc.
Impressive persons in bright colors represent their partner in the arms of the “former”. What if it was a more romantic and tender relationship? What did she call him? And what gentle words did he say to her? Really called "mouse", the same as me ?! Or maybe he even kissed the neck too? Oh … Such thoughts are quite capable of breaking a sensitive heart if left to chance. Again, all these strange questions and unfounded reproaches can infuriate the owner of even the most angelic patience (“Darling, because I didn’t know you then!”).
Orthodox psychologists in this situation begin to talk about the complexes of a jealous woman, about her lack of confidence in herself or lack of confidence in her partner, about the fear of losing him, about the inferiority of comparing oneself with a mythical rival, etc. And, perhaps, they are partly right. However, the deepest reason still lies in the woman's unfulfilled need for experiences. And past relationships, interpreted from a certain angle, can become a source of very piquant and exciting emotions and passions … It seems that there is no reason to be jealous of her husband's past, but how can you deny yourself this?
But does a man need it? Does the woman really need it? Probably, family life can be a "volcano of passions" even without archaeological excavations in the past of an "experienced man"? Answers can be obtained only by fully understanding the true reasons for this morbid jealousy inherent in some exalted visual persons.
Woman with a past
A woman with a past has a completely different life scenario. Often much more tragic and unpleasant. Since the role of a jealous person is most often a man with an anal vector, and this is the very vector that can turn even the most phlegmatic husband into a corrosive Jesuit. If the wife tells about her past experience, then such traits of an anal person as thoroughness, methodicalness, the desire for thorough knowledge of the subject, perseverance and perseverance (read - stubbornness), combined with jealousy of the past of her chosen one, can transform even the most sublime and pure relationships into a waking nightmare.
After all, if the analnik suspected his girlfriend (wife) that before meeting him she had some kind of intimate life, and this upset him greatly, he would not limit himself to standard questions about "who was that?" and "how long have you been dating?" Over and over again, he will elicit more and more intimate details, starting with the date on which they first kissed, ending with the positions in which his woman once had sex with previous partners … This is not an exaggeration, there are many such cases, and, unfortunately, many of these stories last for years (!), causing pain to both the woman and her partner, who behaves in such a relationship like a sadomasochist.
If you look at the situation impartially, it becomes obvious that almost every woman of childbearing age in our time is a woman with a past. In the sense that by the time of a happy meeting with the "beloved and only one" in her love portfolio, there are from two or three to a couple of dozen novels. There is nothing you can do about it, these are times - people are looking for themselves, tasting life, not clinging to a relationship with the first person they meet, but looking for a person who will meet their inner needs and expectations. Often such searches take a lot of time, representing a series of meetings and partings. Well, since serial festivities under the arm have long been out of fashion, most of these fleeting meetings are accompanied by intimate relationships. You can blame it or express regret, but not admitting this fact is simply stupid.
No, of course, there are girls who "observe" their innocence, embroidering towels in the houses in anticipation of their betrothed. But with each new generation there are fewer and fewer of them; the account has long been in units. And it is simply ridiculous to reproach your chosen one for “cheating” with someone who was BEFORE, even if the wife herself told about her past experience.
However, the peculiarity of the owners of the anal vector is a peculiar view of female morality. Anal men subconsciously (or even consciously) divide women into "dirty" and "clean". The dirty ones are lecherous, dissolute, dishonorable, who have tarnished their honor, whores and prostitutes. The pure are the complete opposite: meek, honest, sublime, decent, chaste, worthy of a snow-white bride's dress and quivering love. The most dear and close person - the wife - I want to see, of course, clean. And "dirty", they are not women at all, so, whores for one night, to satisfy base lusts. Many representatives of the anal vector, by the way, in all seriousness do not consider going to a prostitute treason. Well this is a dirty woman, don't confuse God's gift with scrambled eggs. I satisfied my filthy lust with her,cleansed himself and flew on the wings of love for his spotless angel, who sleeps at home on ironed fragrant sheets …
And suddenly it turns out that the "angel" had some kind of life of her own before meeting with him, with the only one who lifted her to the pedestal of love and respect. Some stranger men pawed at his "clean" and immaculate little wife and even, terrible to say, had sex with her! From such thoughts, the anal's everything boils inside! How so! Only he has the right to touch his wife! Maybe they forced her? And she really didn't want to? Maybe she did all this through force, only at the insistence of these lustful dorks? After all, it cannot be that she herself wanted this debauchery!
And questions begin, what and how. The analnik will pull the whole soul out of his woman, but he will still achieve sincere confessions. And having achieved, he begins to reproach and shame, up to scandals and leaving the house with slamming doors. All this somewhat resembles a fairy tale about Bluebeard, in which curious wives opened forbidden doors against orders, for which they then paid a cruel price.
On one of the forums devoted to relationship problems, I somehow came across an absolutely amazing confession of an anal jealous man. I will not cite it in full, I will just quote a small excerpt: “… I met a sweet, modest girl, we started dating. In addition to her appearance, I liked her modesty, decency … I learned that before me she had lived with a man for a year. And I have a fad: a wife must be innocent! But he decided to overcome his complexes; we began to live together … I was interested in her past life, and in the process of our conversations about the intimate side of the past, she confessed that she had 4 men! At first it became disgusting, and I wanted to end our relationship, but I could not leave. I tried not to think about it, we got married. But recently I found several photos of her with young people. He asked, is it someone from the former? She denied. I am a very suspicious personand it's hard to deceive me! Jealousy leaped at me again, and I began to climb into the dirty laundry. I took the soul out of her, and she told everything …"
What, what, and "take out the soul" analniks know how. And how do they not get tired of endlessly "dripping on their brains" ?! The intrusiveness and stubbornness of a man who set himself the goal of getting confessions is somewhat reminiscent of the ancient Chinese water torture, in which a person was tied so that he could not move his head, and in complete darkness on his forehead very slowly, hour after hour, day after day, water was dripping to the same point … And they don’t think that if you repeat the same thing every day, for example, demand from your wife detailed stories about what happened in her bed before they met, then it’s too early or later, a person can explode and tell himself from three boxes of falsehood, if only the "interrogator" lags behind. Although for the wife this is definitely a losing decision, because she will not lag behind, this is not the case. The second series will be reproaches and accusations.
Here is another confession of a husband suffering from jealousy: “I know that my wife loves me, she is a very homely and cozy person. But as I imagine what she was doing in bed before me, I’m losing my mind! I become harsh, rude, rude to her and I can’t do anything about it … It is terribly unpleasant to imagine her in bed with others, they all seem dirty and disgusting to me! Probably, if someone who enjoys great authority with me told me that my wife, going to bed before marriage, believed that she was doing the right thing (after all, she was not raised like my sister and I), then I would become easier…"
Interestingly, the man calls imaginary rivals "dirty and nasty". In order not to tarnish the bright and clean image of a "homely and cozy little man", the husband subconsciously dumps all responsibility for the wife's premarital pranks on her previous partners. Jealousy for his ex eats it up. No less interesting is the reference to an authoritative person. The opinion of the people they respect is very important for analys. They are susceptible to the influence of authorities and are even able to come to terms with their own suspicions and obsessive thoughts if someone with sufficient influence says that there is really no reason to worry. But who can be an authority enough when it comes to the wife's past love relationships ?!
This is how jealous people suffer with the anal vector and torture their "wives with the past." It is absolutely groundless. After all, now she is next to him, with her chosen one, and does not think about any of her previous passions. Although obsessive jealousy and soul-exhausting inquiries and reproaches can do their dirty deed. Tired of unreasonable jealousy and nagging, a wife may begin to wonder if she needs a relationship in which she is not trusted and endlessly reproached with things that have long been overgrown with reality. And then a jealous husband risks getting not far-fetched, but real reasons for worries and worries …
“Everything that sang, everything that melted, everything decayed a long time ago,” Pyotr Leshchenko sang in his famous romance. But, alas, for many, the past has not sunk into oblivion at all, and some kind of "old love" of a beloved wife or beloved husband still seems to be "more alive than all living things." To live with jealousy of the past relationships of a loved one and even more so to build harmonious relations with him under the yoke of this feeling incinerating the soul is not an easy task. Isn't it easier to get rid of the curse of the past? Moreover, there is a remedy that relieves jealousy of the past an order of magnitude more effective than spells and magical rituals - join the free online classes in System Vector Psychology, and you will find out everything yourself.
