An angry wife versus a slow husband. The boring drama of family life
No, I love him very much. And I don't need another. But sometimes my irritability prevails over everything, and I can’t help myself: I get feverish, I’m angry, I look away, kick a nervous beat or fly out of the room with a bullet so as not to break off …
The healthiest and most beautiful people are those who are not annoyed by anything.
G. K. Lichtenberg
- No, it's unbearable! - my grandmother threw in hearts, while I was picking at semolina with a sour face. I again said something stupid.
- Nothing works on you! Not in your language, not in your attitude towards adults! Horror! Oh, how hard you will have with your mother-in-law, mark my word … Well, what can I do if I have never been boring and everyone who was calmer and slower made me nervous.
Yes, there was something to reproach me for. My beloved grandmother often annoyed me, and sometimes even frankly infuriated me. And I, despite my decent upbringing, were often impatient with her:
- Grandma, don't chomp!
- Fu, what kind of dregs are you looking at?!..
- How do you eat this muck?..
- Why so slow, bah?
I was unbearable. And my grandmother was right: with my irritability it is very difficult for me to communicate with my mother-in-law. But how, in her wise prophecy, she forgot about her husband, who gets the most!
If your husband is annoying as hell
No, I love him very much. And I do not need another (and I will not find such a patient, kind and faithful one). But sometimes my irritability prevails over everything - over feelings, reason and willpower. I can't help myself: I get feverish, I get angry, I look away, kick a nerve beat with my foot, or fly out of the room with a bullet so as not to break loose. And if I break off, I will definitely utter some stinging and caustic nasty things.
Especially if I hear him drinking tea. You know, for a long time, with a noisy smacking. Or I see how slowly he eats. Or when I quickly pick up the child in the morning, I stand with him already dressed at the door, and by this time he only has time to open his eyes and brush his teeth.
You know, my nervousness, irritability and impatience do not give me any pleasure. If you are free from this disadvantage, consider yourself lucky. If you are not spared, you will perfectly understand me and recognize this mental itch, this feeling as if you are being turned inside out, but not physically, but morally.
In these moments I want to shout loudly: "A-ah!" - and grab your head. But you sit, stifle your irritation and pretend to be patient, otherwise your relationship will end. If we were filmed with a family video on the topic "Wife and husband - what awaits you in marriage", then young couples would quickly change their minds about starting a family, it was so difficult for us to avoid conflicts.
Have you tried to beat a pear?
“Girl, you ought to do yoga,” the doctor says to me, narrowing his eyes slyly.
I look attentively at this clever guy and am ready to sarcastically, but I pull myself back in time.
- Why did it happen?
- I, you know, have been working as a dermatologist for a long time. And he noticed that quite often skin rashes of unclear etiology appear in overly nervous and irritable individuals. Relaxing meditations are what you need. They not only relieve stress, but also contribute to a speedy recovery.
“Okay,” I say after a little thought. - Yoga is so yoga.
Yoga doesn't help me. Absolutely. I just can't do it: in dynamic yoga you need patience, which I don't have, you need smoothness of movements, slow stretching of the limbs, control of the mind over the body. This is all cool and, probably, very pleasant, but during classes my increased irritability only intensifies: nothing happens, I fall and swear. And on meditations I fall asleep from boredom.
Give better a punching bag, gloves - and the opportunity to throw out your unspent energy. I'll imagine for a second how my husband smacks his lips while drinking tea - bam! - and everything will pass. I'll think about how slow he is - bam! - and calm down. Remember how absent-minded he is - bam! - and immediately forget everything. Maybe … But what if I am boring and the pear is not for me?
Fictional causes of irritability
I got to the handle. And rationalized the reasons for irritability as follows:
if my husband is a real angel and a model of patience, who does everything efficiently, conscientiously, without haste and fuss, then I apparently lack education, respect for him, a sense of responsibility, sensitivity, warmth.
I just need to learn to be patient! Develop this quality in yourself. People say that by an effort of will you can change yourself and your character, become better. So I need to look after myself even more carefully, to be more kind and tolerant. I must finally pull myself together if my second outbursts of anger and impatience spoil relationships and poison family life. And stop being a shrew.
I dreamed: "Click!" - and turned off her negative emotions, rationalizing it for the sake of her happy family life.
Do you think I did it?
Alas. In situations where my husband was annoying, I still reacted violently, and then with annoyance I remembered my promise to myself. I was angry again at my intemperance and reaped the fruits of our quarrels with my husband. Then she spat on everything, broke down, spoiled the relationship. Then she again tried to control herself, to be nice to her husband. But he seemed to have conspired with this universe and specially tested me for strength, getting together even longer in the mornings and drinking teas even more slowly … If anyone is tormented by the question “what to do if I'm boring,” believe me, being emotional and unrestrained is not at all sweet.
Do you think that I simply do not have willpower? Or not enough motivation? No, I really wanted to keep my family together. And I did it. But at the same time, I did not have to break my nature.
The whole truth about irritability
Talking about all these problems today, I understand how ridiculous my attempts to remake myself looked. But what could I? How to get rid of irritability if you absolutely do not understand anything about the peculiarities of human nature? It is now clear to me that my husband and I are completely different fields of berries. I am a representative of the cutaneous vector, he is an anal one. We are like beings from different planets, feeling differently and thinking differently. We live with him in different sensations of this reality. And then I naively believed that all people are sculpted from the same dough.
Now I know that if I (as a typical leatherman) need to do everything quickly and well, keep track of the time, regularly change the "scenery" for my own life, feel first in everything, then he needs something completely different. Don't rush anywhere, pay attention to details, live honestly, honestly, adore your slippers and cover the vents behind me, because it's “blowing”. People like him may have another problem: what to do if I'm boring or boring. At the same time, we cannot "swing" our vectors, supplement them or abandon them - this is our nature, which dictates its behavior to everyone. Now I understand that. And then I thought that "do it yourself" is just about me.
In this light, my decision to become like him looked, to say the least, stupid. If I had made every effort to this, I would have driven myself into stress and even more irritability.
No less helpless was the attempt to "calm down" with the help of yoga, which in no way affects the reasons for my behavior and did not satisfy my true desires in any way.
My nervousness and impatience are also properties of the skin vector, the need for which to do everything quickly and accurately, to economically use any resources. I really feel comfortable completing my monthly work quota in one day. The more and faster I do, the more satisfied I will be with the results.
Unlike me, my husband (as a typical representative of the anal vector) does not share this approach to business: in a day he will do what is supposed to be done in a day, moreover carefully and scrupulously. What makes me so angry! Or, in other words, it provokes the appearance of a feeling of internal discomfort. Exactly the same that I call him, if I urge him on, hurry, get nervous and interfere with concentration. Only in my case it is nervousness, irritability, and in his - stupor.
Yes, because of such seemingly trifles, mutual discontent, resentment, betrayal, revenge and divorce in a typical married couple arise. One little misunderstanding - and after a while it is already a snowball of problems, overgrown with family troubles and mutual hatred. There is no ability and desire to understand the nature of a partner - and who turns into an iceberg, which forever separates the "ships" of the spouses in different directions …
The recipe for marital happiness
-So what if my husband is annoying? Or maybe vice versa, what if I am boring, in contrast to my active spouse? - you think to yourself.
Delving deeper into this problem at the training of Yuri Burlan "System-vector psychology", you begin to understand why your partner is sculpted from a different test. Why is he so slow and honest, and you so fast and dexterous. Already at this stage, the long-awaited understanding often comes instead of irritation.
Think: are you angry at a lion for roaring, wagging its tail and killing a gazelle? Is it possible for you to be annoyed by an ostrich that strives to pinch the ankle? And most likely, you are not at all surprised by a cat that hunts rats? And all because you understand that this is their nature. And all the irritation to the spouse disappears immediately, as soon as one simple truth reaches: “He is not you. And he will never be you."
Realizing the properties of your vectors at a deep level, the causes and effects of all your thoughts and desires, you begin to understand whether you have chosen the right direction to realize these very properties. Did you find an acceptable way to fill your vectors. And if not, what else can you do in your life to fix it. And correcting, you come to inner harmony, a balance of your positive and not very qualities … Yes, you still come to a lot. But the main thing is that you become a calm and contented person. Without any irritability.
Instead of conclusions
As for me, my irritability has passed. It's still easy to piss me off, but I don't have any negative feelings about the way my husband behaves. I do not need to forcefully hold back, swallow my irritation or meditate for days on end for the sake of self-control. After all, I UNDERSTAND what drives him. And I do not drive him into a stupor with my nagging, but I help fill his own properties.
And by the way - my rash disappeared. Without meditation and yoga, but after another reflection on your life, setting priorities and making the right choice of life guidelines. The observant doctor was partly right. But only partly …
