I cannot please myself: I am not worthy
In a bizarre way, all her dreams and expectations about a beautiful, comfortable and happy life were collected in her head, through which some kind of red thread runs. What unites everything, what kind of thread is this? In her dreams, she would like to have all this, but something inside constantly resisted as if. How shame … or is it not shame at all?
“My wife and I began to have a heart-to-heart talk much more often and more effectively, perhaps. Previously, once a year, at least I remembered the same story about my father, as I offended once. It seemed to me a good sign - they say, it will be paid and will pass. But nothing passed, but only repeated. And only after completing the training in Systemic Vector Psychology, I realized how you can lead her emotions in order to start letting go.
Apparently, I finally learned to listen to her, and she began to be able to "pronounce" some of her stories from childhood and realize how this is reflected in her adult life."
Sergey Nasonov
Lena is a grown woman. Doesn't play with dolls. I just thought of an email address for fun - lenabarbie @. And so everything is like everyone else: a husband, two children, work. Her life is no different from the life of other women. Of course, you want more, but for some reason it doesn't work out. Constant worry, fear for yourself, for children, for your husband. Shudders: "What if?.." The background feeling of distrust towards people is depressing as endless stress. To understand what is wrong? Where do these endless experiences come from?
On this occasion, Lena had a long conversation with her husband, Sergei. Not without tears and memories from distant childhood …
Almost happy time
Usually, children feel lighthearted. They don't express it like that, they just feel that everything is possible and life is good.
End of the 80s. Summer. Sunday morning. Dad and mom, a daughter of nine years old and her younger brother, a preschooler, got out of their native village into the city. This doesn't happen often. And it always turns into a real holiday with walks, ice cream and a surprise for children. Everyone was full of expectations. The three-story Central Department Store was perfect.
How many have appeared here in the last few years! Dad, what is this? Mom, what's the name of that? The mouth did not close for a minute. The girl either constantly asked something, or froze in surprise. The younger one was also excited by the quick change of scenery.
Showcases floated before my eyes with countless crystal glasses. Funny and strange pictures in unusual frames were replaced by colorful carpets for every taste. Dad stopped for a minute in front of some colored boxes. He smoked and collected packs of imported cigarettes.
For children, the culmination of the day was a huge toy department. You can't walk on it just to gaze! The kids' wish meter in toy stores would be hot with overload. Especially if they see such a variety every six months. Therefore, the children are always here in supernatural anticipation …
Barbie
This doll was a real idol, the limit of all imaginable dreams of any girl. Just from the thought of Barbie, from the very word, Lena's mood skyrocketed. They found the strength to do hard physical housework after school. The desire to work beyond what is laid in the hope that someday it will be reckoned with her.
She always thought that Barbie was all she needed for endless happiness. That she would never ask her parents for anything and never again. Oh, if they had given her such a gift … Now Lena froze in silent contemplation of a window with brand new dolls.
These moments remained forever in her memory.
Of course, the Barbie doll was very expensive. Very … As expensive as the transforming robot. He was just standing in the next showcase and menacingly displaying his space weapons. The younger brother noticed him immediately. And as he picked up the box, then in a second he was sure that the transformer was already his own.
Dad smiles: “Well, Sasha, do you like it? We take? " Sonny nods contentedly. Dad walks casually to the checkout. Lenochka, observing this picture with surprise and almost jubilant delight, runs up to her mother and gives her his dream: “Mom! Mommy! And I choose this one! " But mom is preoccupied with something. Even unhappy. Trying to hide it, she answered abruptly: "Ask the Father."
Father
It just so happened that the girl's relationship with her father was complicated. Not often, but he could break loose, yell and hit. When the parents feel very bad, the reason is easily found. It is just as easy to find an excuse for oneself: "This is how I bring up."
Now Lena could not ask her dad to buy her such an expensive gift. She was very afraid.
Who has seen a steel multicore cable burst under strong tension from overload? Before the cable begins to quickly unravel and break into two parts, one single first vein bursts with a shrill ringing - dzin! The same intense tension was experienced at that moment by the feelings, the soul of the child.
“They bought Sasha,” thoughts flashed through my head in a whirlwind, waiting for justice. “And dad is so kind and cheerful today. I always help them with the housework and with my brother. Well, yes, I got it sometimes for his tricks. But what, shouldn't I? Just once. I deserve it."
Excited by a storm of conflicting thoughts and feelings, Lena suddenly found herself at the cash register next to her dad. Hands themselves began to stretch out the box with the toy. In the eyes of the expectation of a miracle. She gathered the last courage and said with a guilty smile: “Dad, and me? I wanted this one."
Father suddenly suddenly changed sharply in his face and voice: “What, are you already? Did you see how much it costs?"
Where do you get strength, sons and daughters?
She did not dare to arrange scandals and tantrums. And she couldn't. Quietly, with the last of her strength restraining sobs, Lena wandered over to the window. She carefully put the beautiful, pleasantly smelling box with the doll back in its place. And just as slowly walked towards the exit. Tears were already flowing in streams, dripping wet trails to the hem of the dress. Parents said something to each other near the cash register. Lena didn't hear anything.
Mom wanted to somehow smooth the situation. She grabbed the first "three-kopeck" baby that came across, paid for it and thrust it into her daughter's arms. After that, Lena could no longer restrain herself. It was REAL grief.
How do children manage to overcome such traumas with a fragile psyche? How do they manage to pull, weave, tie this cable of the soul with the torn, twisted veins sticking out in different directions? And how many more similar seemingly small tragedies?
Time cures?
Before childhood psychological trauma, time is absolutely powerless. They are quickly displaced from the child's memory. Despair and resentment give way to new expectations. It begins to seem that all the bad is forgotten. However, this “forgotten” imperceptibly tramples its fate in the psyche. We follow it unconsciously all our lives and blindly believe that we are choosing what we desire.
So new opportunities appeared in Lena's life. “Lena, you pick raspberries. Dad will take you to the market, sell - you money for each can."
Finally, there is a chance not to ask anyone, not to depend on anyone. The most honest way to make money on your Barbie. During this time, new models of dolls have appeared. And also dresses, dishes, furniture. "And how many dresses I will sew for her!" Imagination instantly captured the girl and unfolded pictures of a wonderful future.
When we see our future, no difficulties and obstacles can break us. This confidence gives strength and energy to go forward and not give up. The doll is expensive, so Lena is ready to pick berries all over the garden. And she, with joy and pride, makes her way with a bucket and a string around her neck through the thorny stalks of raspberries and gooseberry branches. Jumps from branch to branch over cherries, apple trees and mulberries.
Suddenly, a recent burn made itself felt - a negative past experience extinguished the delight of the imagination. It's even better when I AM MYSELF!
This thought was born in the head of the future woman. An unnatural, false attitude, from which thousands of women suffer greatly in the modern world. A woman gets so used to the idea that everything needs to be earned, everything herself, that she does not notice the problem, she just feels a feeling of dissatisfaction with life. In an attempt to understand something, he begins to read on the Internet. Finds another rationalization, a useless explanation of his condition and those who are to blame for it.
You just can't get to the idea that all the reasons are in your own head. To detect and neutralize them, you need knowledge and a way to obtain it. That is how Lena learned from me about the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan.
Explain the unexplained
“My wife did not take the training, but she constantly heard and continues to hear from me something interesting and useful … They began to analyze the systemic life situations of our mutual friends, parents, some of her friends, when she herself wanted to find out why things are going this way for them”.
As our inner state improves, our relationships with others also change. Moreover, close people also receive their positive results.
The training reveals how the human psyche works and at the same time develops the ability to focus. New knowledge and maximum concentration of attention start the process of awareness. Just have time to analyze and combine causal relationships like puzzles. Every thought, word, reaction to the world around us has very specific reasons. Some of them, as a rule, are suddenly recalled from distant childhood.
It happened so now, when Lena shared her suddenly surging memories with her husband. The disparate puzzles of experience suddenly coalesced into a clear picture of cause and effect.
In adulthood, Lena had many events, but the desired happiness remained unattainable. For example, if she wants to pamper herself with something: a beautiful dress, expensive cosmetics, or try something tasty and expensive, she works and puts it off slowly. And when the required amount appears, the hand does not rise to make itself happy.
Work has become a life principle for her. Having YOUR money so that you don't depend on anyone is the motto of life.
It happens that a person wants something, but cannot get what he wants. And here there is a desire, and an opportunity to receive: stretch out your hand - this is pleasure! But it doesn't work. Sometimes she could not sleep until the morning: she changed her mind, persuaded herself to indulge herself and did not understand why she could not do this. This intense inner struggle plunged deeper into memories.
In a bizarre way, all her dreams and expectations about a beautiful, comfortable and happy life were collected in her head, through which some kind of red thread runs. What unites everything, what kind of thread is this? In her dreams, she would like to have all this, but something inside constantly resisted as if. How shame … or is it not shame at all?
This is never forgotten
The next day, after talking with her husband, Lena suddenly remembered her cousins and siblings. Good guys. Played together with my grandmother on vacation. Only Lena did not like it when the mother of these children brought toys and children's things for Lena and Sasha as a gift. These were good things, but worn ones, which are a pity to throw away, so they were given.
Lena was jealous of her cousin and sister not only because of things. There was another injustice here. City children have come from school and have a rest: they watch TV, draw, play ball or rubber bands with the guys in the yard. Summer holidays come for them. And for the children from the village there is a lot of work all year round. Instead of a vacation, a garden and a vegetable garden all summer until September 1.
Lena also remembered dreams and expectations of a beautiful, comfortable and happy life. They are all strung on one red thread. What is this thread that unites them? Suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, a cry from the heart opened up - a flash of words bursts out of memory: "Did you see how much it costs?" In the meanings for the little girl Lena it sounded: "YOU ARE NOT WORTHY!"
Resentment, despair, anger, defenselessness, injustice, humiliation - everything came together in one impulse and escaped from a woman's chest. Tears fell like a waterfall. Lena sobbed loudly and for a long time. Before my eyes was the same pattern from wet streams on the hem of the dress, as then.
And the longer she cried, the easier it became inside. When she calmed down, the long-awaited feeling of absolute serenity, peace and forgiveness came.
***
Tears are different. There are tears from resentment, unjustified expectations, fear, despair, injustice, betrayal. Relationships with others develop in different ways. Not always the way we would like.
The heroine of this story shed tears of liberation. Thanks to the knowledge that her husband received at the training “System-Vector Psychology” by Yuri Burlan, she also realized and got rid of the hardest childhood trauma. The relief that came after these tears is hard to compare with anything. The life of every person who manages to truly realize something in himself begins to change dramatically.
