Stuck in guilt How to choose between a child and work
“He asked me to stay! And I … I'm a bad mother! " Thoughts about an abandoned adored child and one's own betrayal flow into self-accusatory monologues, turn into self-flagellation, demoralize and deprive oneself of strength. “How is he there without me? I shouldn't have! Can't fix it now! I will never redeem it!"
Hiding your eyes and pulling your head into your shoulders, you trot along the wall to the office doors in order to quickly duck behind the table and crouch in your workplace. If you had a tail, you would have tucked it in, but for lack of it, you squeeze into a chair and hide your face in your palms. A deep sigh. Another. Does not help. Neither relax nor gather.
The feeling of guilt is enveloped in numbness and it is felt that it has "hung" a heavy burden on the vital organs. The heart flutters sluggishly, and its beats echo somewhere in the stomach, causing bouts of nausea and self-loathing. The blood does not reach the limbs, the icy hands and feet feel foreign and distant.
“He asked me to stay! And I … I'm a bad mother! " Thoughts about an abandoned adored child and one's own betrayal flow into self-accusatory monologues, turn into self-flagellation, demoralize and deprive oneself of strength. “How is he there without me? I shouldn't have! Can't fix it now! I will never redeem it!"
Plunging into the abyss of hopelessness, you move further and further from the feeling of the joy of motherhood and labor exploits.
How to concentrate here? Where to get strength for work? The inner monologue changes direction.
“I'm a bad worker! I don't understand the process enough. I leave early and often ask for time off. Ungrateful! They trusted me, but I do not give my best! I let my boss and the whole team down! Deadlines are running out, now you have to do it in a hurry and the quality will suffer! It would be better not to take it at all than that!"
The beginning of the process is postponed, the work is not done. The feeling of guilt does not let go, self-torture continues. More and more symptoms of physical illness are added to emotional exhaustion.
How did this happen to you?
You have always strived to be the best daughter, student, specialist, wife and mother. And now, during and instead of work, you punish yourself for leaving your child with your grandmother or in kindergarten, while not concentrating enough on the work process. And at home, instead of completely immersing yourself in the life of your child and family, you are loaded with the problems of someone else's uncle, which you did not manage at work. "Everywhere bad and under …"
Without ceasing to blame myself, Execute myself and kill myself.
I drink in my own wine.
I'm busy. I have no time to live.
Does everyone feel guilty?
The reasons for the feeling of guilt among working mothers at Yuri Burlan's training "System-Vector Psychology" are explained by the presence of a certain vector. A vector is a set of innate desires and mental properties that set the direction of development and determine the spheres of realization, self-expression of a person in society, his life values and priorities.
"System-vector psychology" identifies 8 vectors, which in various combinations are manifested in a person, form the uniqueness and integrity of his personality. Modern women are most often the owners of 3-5 vectors.
Feelings of guilt (as well as the special importance of motherhood, the priority of the family as a basic value in life) are inherent in representatives of only one of the vectors - the anal vector. There are only 20% of such women in society.
Golden woman
The natural role of a person with an anal vector is to transfer the accumulated experience from ancestors to descendants. Women with an anal vector from generation to generation are engaged in the preservation of the skills and abilities of housekeeping, needlework, and folk crafts. They are the keepers of the home, carefully raising their children, mentors and craftswomen.
Patience, thoroughness, unhurriedness, consistency, accuracy and love of cleanliness, learning and excellent memory, perseverance and golden hands are the qualities of carriers of the anal vector.
The combination of the anal vector with the visual (which is characterized by high emotionality) makes them capable of deep empathy and empathy with other people. A mother with an anal-visual combination of vectors by her example teaches the child to correctly express her emotions, is able to give him a good upbringing.
Everything is fine
Homebodies, faithful wives and caring mothers - in the modern world, these women are happy to create comfort at home, are engaged in children and handicrafts. At the same time, they realize themselves not only in the family, but also at work. They succeed all the more well if the anal vector is combined with the cutaneous one. After all, people with a skin vector are literally born with a biological alarm clock inside.
As "System Vector Psychology" explains, the owners of the skin vector have a very subtle sense of time, they are able to keep up with everything and everywhere. Sometimes it seems that these people have 48 hours per day instead of 24. Flexible and adaptive, the owners of the skin vector strive to be socially active, need changes, it is difficult for them to stay at home for a long time.
The desire of a person with an anal vector to be the best in every area of his life, multiplied by the reaction rate of the skin vector, is realized when receiving several educations, undergoing postgraduate training, and continuing education cycles. Such people do everything and do it at a high level. The quality of execution is very important for them. After all, the realization of their natural role - the transfer of accumulated experience and the teaching of other people - does not tolerate mistakes, is impossible without accurate and deep knowledge, perfect mastery of skill.
It is the desire to transfer knowledge without distortion that is sometimes manifested by excessive criticism, perfectionism, and exaggerated demands on oneself and others. Trying to combine work and childcare, anal mommy is not inclined to lower the bar. She should be excellent everywhere.
Where does guilt come from?
However, even having a skin-anal ligament of vectors, it is sometimes very difficult to keep up with everything. Attempts to combine baby care and work and the resulting force majeure are potentially stressful for a woman with an anal vector. Feelings of guilt arise where she does not value her contribution to raising a child or doing work. The internal measure of such people is "equally". If they feel that they do not give the necessary efforts on their part, do not correspond to their inner qualifications in striving to be the best in everything, then they suffer from this.
And there may be many prerequisites for this. They may not cope with situations requiring a quick response, the need to solve several tasks at the same time. The interruption of the process is hard to endure, the inability to complete what has been started. Falling into a stupor, freezing, unable to make decisions and act in such situations, a working mom gets stuck in a sense of guilt and cannot compensate for it with any action.
On the one hand, she feels guilty that she is not doing her job well enough and falls into a stupor at work. On the other hand, as a mother, she feels guilty towards the child that she does not devote enough time and attention to him. This feeling of guilt before the child is felt inside so strongly that it can even be perceived by her as a betrayal.
This conflict, as "System-Vector Psychology" says, is born from the collision of interests of two contradictory vectors, opposite in their aspirations - skin and anal. According to the values of the anal vector, one must give all of oneself to the child, and the skin vector is not able to sit at home and pulls to work. Not understanding what is wrong with her, mom rushes between two needs, not finding the golden mean.
Both work and the upbringing of a child - everything that should potentially make up her realization, brings her discomfort and severe torment when she experiences feelings of guilt. It is a depressing feeling that she is not coping with her duties, that she is not a good enough mother and employee, that she could do more, but does not work out.
In fact, having set a high level of self-esteem, striving for perfectionism, a woman with an anal vector does not always assess herself and her work correctly. She tends to blame herself for every small mistake, while in general her work can be done at a fairly high level.
Guilt as an incentive to action
At the same time, Yuri Burlan explains at the training that the feeling of guilt, if directed correctly, can push the owner of the anal vector to the right actions to compensate for negative states. The feeling of guilt is a powerful engine of development and a motive for the maximum realization of innate properties.
When a woman with an anal vector feels guilty, she is able to direct all her efforts in a positive direction in order to get rid of the guilt, and make every effort to meet her inner high bar, while setting it quite adequately.
To avoid feeling guilty towards her employer and to thank him for his trust and respect, she can use her talents to get the best job done.
And at home, a caring mother is able to compensate for her child's long absence by playing together or walking to the baby's favorite park. After all, it is the love and attention directed to the baby that are important, and not the long hours spent nearby, when the mother is inevitably busy with other things - cleaning, kitchen.
How to get out of your guilt and stop punishing yourself?
Understanding the causes of your negative states allows you to cope with them. And awareness of their natural properties helps to find the most effective solutions to any emerging problems: to be a good professional at work, and at home - a caring mother for a child. And finally stop thinking about work at home, and at work - about family, while suffering from a sense of guilt.
You can read the reviews of people who got rid of getting stuck in negative states here:
“I was always worried about the question: career or family. After the training, it became clear that with my set of vectors, I can succeed on all fronts. And get great pleasure from it. " Elina U., engineer, St. Petersburg Read the full text of the result “I got rid of constant self-criticism and feelings of guilt that I am a bad mother, daughter, wife … Perhaps this is low self-esteem. Assessment of myself now is this: I am a set of such and such vectors given to me by nature, in such and such a development, in such and such a realization. All. Why reproach yourself here? It's my pleasure". Elena K., Civil Engineer, St. Petersburg Read the full text of the result
With the development of systemic thinking, those who have completed the training "System-Vector Psychology" naturally acquire joy from living every moment of life, and the feeling of guilt is replaced by a feeling of deep satisfaction from life. Register for free online lectures "System-Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan here:
