After many years of marriage, my husband left me. How to start living anew?
My heart was breaking from loss and unbearable pain. I wanted one thing: for him to return, and everything was the same. Life itself began to lose its meaning …
We lived like everyone else. Not worse and not better. We tried, worked, raised children. There were many difficulties, problems, but they all survived. They swore, put up, went to visit friends on weekends. Everyone tried hard for the children, and they gave a good education. The children left the parental home. And after that it became very difficult. Relationships that weren't good anyway got worse.
At one point, the ground seemed to have disappeared from under my feet. I didn’t believe that such a thing could have happened. He left. Without saying anything, he just left, taking things. An attempt to enter into a conversation, to understand what was the reason and when he would return, failed.
My heart was breaking from loss and unbearable pain. I wanted one thing: for him to return, and everything was the same. Life itself began to lose its meaning.
So much suffering and worries. I did everything for the family, for him. The children left the parental nest, and it seemed that it was necessary to wait for the grandchildren and raise the kids with him again. And he left.
Vain expectations in an empty apartment
How unbearable the evenings are in an empty apartment … Insomnia at night and crying out loud: “He must come back! Why did he leave? " There are so many thoughts in my head. I can’t be silent, I need to talk, consult. I talk for hours, they listen to me, someone supports, someone sympathizes, and someone tells me to start living anew. “But this is nonsense. How am I without him? " I want his friends and relatives to educate him, to shame him, and he would come to his senses and return home. But they cannot help me. I am alone, absolutely alone. And from this loneliness, as if I burn out.
Time goes by, but I still continue to believe that he will definitely return. I know that for sure. The fortune-tellers told me about it. One day he will understand and begin to regret that he left. And then he will definitely return. Or hint that he wants to do it. And I will definitely accept it. People around do not understand how scary it is when a husband leaves after so many years of marriage. They don't see my pain. I only need him and no one else.
Everything is so unfair. And this terrible pain from the fact that he is not near, that I was left alone, eats away at me. I cannot live normally, I want to breathe again and see the sun in the sky, and not feel the darkness that enveloped my life. All friends and relatives began to disappear from the social circle. Even children keep conversation to a minimum. The apartment is cold and empty. All my attempts to somehow get out of this state are reduced to zero.
And dusk falls again. And again this anxiety envelops my body and prevents me from living. And so I want to live normally. As everybody. I see people who converge, diverge, converge again. They're happy. Why is it wrong with me? What should I do?
Where to look for a way out?
Surviving her husband's departure is very difficult. It's not easier to start living again. There are people for whom the loss of a family is a real tragedy that divides life into "before" and "after". And "after" life does not work, no matter how hard you try.
As Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology explains, our attitude to certain events, our reactions, our behavior, our value systems, our desires and aspirations are determined by our innate sets of psyche properties, which are called vectors. There are eight vectors in total. Each vector is a certain set of basic desires and properties for their realization.
In this case, we are talking about two vectors: visual and anal.
Family is the main thing in life
Family plays an important role for any person. And for the owner of the anal vector, the family is the main thing, it is the meaning of his life, the highest value. For them, divorce is the end of the world. They do not understand how the most valuable, the most important, the most precious thing in this life can be destroyed. Even if everything in the family was not so smooth. They are convinced that quarrels, misunderstandings, dissatisfaction are not a reason to destroy a family. By nature, such people are the most loyal, devoted, reliable in the family, and in friendship, and in work. For them love, marriage, friendship - once and for life. And changing one spouse to another is like a disaster. Their psyche does not accept this. Not for yourself, not for others.
By their nature, such people are quite rigid, therefore, it is difficult to adapt to changes. They are characterized by a special aspiration to the past. Along with an excellent memory, these properties were given to them for the implementation of their natural role - to accumulate and transfer in an unchanged form knowledge and experience of the past to the future generation. They often make excellent teachers and other professionals. However, it is these properties that prevent them from forgetting. Forget the spouse who left. Forget how good they were together. Forget how painful and upset it was when he left. A person seems to be forever stuck in the past, which no longer exists. Fully immersed in memories and loses touch with the present moment.
Guilt and resentment
What happens to a woman like that when her husband leaves her? It happens that she begins to blame herself, looking for a reason, trying to understand what she did wrong. And the guilt does not allow her to live. But much more often she experiences deep resentment. Sometimes along with a sense of guilt.
As Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology explains, justice is important for the owner of the anal vector. And for them it is true - it means equally, everyone is the same. You did something good to me, and I am grateful to you. You cheated me, and I take offense. "How else? After all, I was treated unfairly. " And until it is equally divided, the person feels the strongest psychological discomfort. If he is to blame, he must correct himself. If offended, then I will not rest until they return what they took away. And here a good memory does not let you forget. Resentment and memories of the past absorb a person and prevent him from living now, prevent him from moving forward.
In addition, it is difficult for the owner of the anal vector to make decisions, for this he needs a little more time than others. And going into offense, the desire to do everything right, being stuck in the past leads to the fact that a person cannot decide at all what to do next. And then the "standby mode" turns on: "The husband will surely come to his senses, change his mind, remember me and come one day. And if he doesn’t come, he will hint that he wants to return. He will understand that he left me in vain. Only I can be the best wife for him."
Love is life
The owners of the visual vector are emotional. They have a high emotional amplitude: from fear to love and compassion. From hysterics to deep, sensual relationships. They are the ones who can truly create emotional connections, feeling insane love and compassion. For them, feelings are the meaning of life. In any case. In good, when it is love, empathy, tenderness, care. And in bad, when it is sadness, melancholy, tantrums, pity.
For the visual person, a breakup is a breakdown of emotional attachment. It is like death, it causes unbearable suffering. Many women have a hard time leaving a loved one. But the spectators experience it dozens of times harder. An anal-visual woman with her family priority and exceptional memory is able to cherish her feelings for years, be sad about the past, and remain faithful to the past. The pain of loss and resentment involuntarily become a reason for visual crawling, quiet tears into the pillow at night.
The feeling that she is the poorest and most unhappy, and no one can help her - this is essentially a visual pity for herself. Behind this is the desire to receive attention and love for oneself, so that people give emotional support and understanding. Added to this is the fear of being alone. After all, a break in the emotional connection always leads to an acute loss of a sense of security, exposing the fears inherent in the visual vector, sometimes up to panic attacks. And this horror of loneliness sometimes leads to emotional blackmail, to exhaustion. Anything, just not to be alone. Because then it won't be so hard. It will become a little easier.
But after a while, even the closest people stop giving the necessary support. Which causes more pain and distrust of the world. Endless walking around fortune-tellers gives relief, but not for long. Because this is only a temporary release of tension and relief of fear and anxiety, the illusion of filling the emotional emptiness that arose in the soul when he left.
It would seem that a vicious circle arises. It is difficult to start a new relationship, there are many fears. Letting go of the past is difficult, there are many resentments and expectations. Start living again? How?
There is always a way out
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan gives an understanding of the nature of the relationship between a man and a woman, explains the reasons for the gap. Explains in depth the nature of resentment and emotional stress. This means that there is a chance to understand yourself and be able to get out of the vicious circle. After all, when we begin to understand why we react this way and not otherwise, why one thing causes us pain and protest, and the other is not important at all, these feelings cease to govern our behavior, our life. Our emotional background is changing, internal states are harmonized. This means that there is hope for change, self-confidence, life becomes more pleasant and joyful.
This also affects relationships with people. Because it is more pleasant for them to communicate with a calm, peaceful person who enjoys life. In addition, we begin to better understand those around us, to see how they differ from us, and how we are similar. This brings our relationship with the world to a qualitatively new level. When you can find the right solution in the most difficult and confusing situation.
Many women who came to the training with a similar problem managed to find a way out, and you will succeed! Join the free online training on Systemic Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan, so that the world can again play with bright colors and be filled with positive sensory experiences. Register for a free online training here:
