Everything on maternity leave is in gray. How not to lose your family
What happens to the relationship after the baby is born? Why do they feel so bad together?
How to keep a relationship on maternity leave?
After the birth of our son, everything changed between us. He seemed to be replaced. He began to disappear late at work. He does not even call, does not warn that he will be late. He comes home to sleep. How is it possible, I don't understand?
All day I am with the child. I can't eat or sleep, I can't go to the shower normally. I’m waiting for him with the thought that he’ll come, take the baby for at least an hour, and I’ll do everything, redo it, at least get distracted, rest, drink tea, and go to the store. And he came at eleven and went to bed. Perfectly! And he sleeps so that at least shoot from a cannon. I get up to the child again. Hello morning, new day …
I do not know what to do. We stopped talking about anything. Yes, and when should we speak - at seven in the morning or at eleven in the evening? It's funny. He is still unhappy that his shirts are not ironed. Shirts … I forgot when I washed my head, and he had shirts!
Was he always so indifferent? Or did she become too picky? What happens to the relationship after the baby is born? After all, these are native people. Why do they feel so bad together? What about love and care?
After the birth of her son, she changed. Highly. I forgot when she smiled, I generally keep quiet about sex. It's all wrong and wrong. Constantly dissatisfied.
It's a mess at home, I eat anywhere but at home, because she doesn't care about me. The main thing is to come and bring what she needs, and then take the baby too. Wow! And the fact that I'm at work all day does not bother her. And that tomorrow to get up early and again to work does not bother either. She was tired, and I, then, no ?!
I do not know what to do. I want to go home less and less. Nothing but reproaches awaits me here.
On weekends, half a day with the baby walked, bathed, played, generally took him. And then in the morning he ironed his shirt himself. Fine! We find it increasingly difficult to transfer each other. Somehow we hurried with the child …
Resentment, disappointment, reproach and irritation - it seems that they will not end. What is really going on? Love passed, and everyone saw their partner unadorned? Did the baby make Mom and Dad's worst personality traits come to light? Or maybe they were simply not ready to become parents and this is too difficult a test for both of them?
Let's try to understand the problem using Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology.
Let's start with a young mother.
I went on maternity leave, I won't be back soon …
For nine months she was preparing for the appearance of the baby. Nature endowed her with a maternal instinct, thanks to which the child is now most important to her: love for him overshadows everything else, his needs come to the fore.
However, plunging into selfless motherhood without a clear systemic understanding of what is happening and a psychologically competent approach to the situation, you can face unforeseen difficulties.
The birth of a child radically changes a woman's life, and no matter how she prepares for this, the stress load makes itself felt. A sharp change in her lifestyle deprives the realization of many innate properties of her psyche. Unfulfilled desire becomes the cause of bad states.
For example, a woman with a cutaneous-visual ligament of vectors, accustomed to working on two jobs, doing several things at the same time, rationally using her time, without wasting a minute, being among people, after the birth of a baby feels like she is locked in four walls. She experiences an endless "groundhog day", when every next day is similar to the previous one and when she lacks the communication with the large number of people she is used to.
Lack of implementation in the skin vector manifests itself as irritability, anger, and intolerance. The lack of realization in the visual vector results in emotional outbursts: tantrums, scandals, clarification of relationships. A storm of emotions of a visual person finds a way out, even if it is so primitive. These manifestations give reason to say that the woman has changed, the relationship has deteriorated and the like. You can often hear, they say, "she showed her true face," but in fact the woman simply lost the opportunity to realize her own psychological properties in a creative way. They have nowhere to go, desires cannot be postponed for the duration of the decree, the unconscious demands its own regardless of the circumstances.
In the presence of a sound vector, the shortages are aggravated by lack of sleep, increased noise load and the inability to retire, they manifest themselves as a sense of the meaninglessness of life, detachment, withdrawal into themselves. It is sound frustrations that underlie the development of postpartum depression.
Test by decree
While our desires remain unconscious and unfulfilled, we do not understand the reasons for our own dissatisfaction, and sometimes we come up with various rationalizations. We just feel bad, and this becomes the reason for spoiled relationships, false conclusions that motherhood was a mistake, and many other, no less deplorable conclusions.
Understanding the psychological mechanisms of interaction in a couple and with a child allows you to avoid negative states and maintain both internal balance and harmony in marriage after the birth of a child.
In addition, the internal state of a woman has a direct impact on the psychological state of the child. Up to three years old, the baby's condition is literally a reflection of the mother's self-awareness. She feels bad - the child is crying. For no apparent reason. Is naughty, requires more attention, does not let go of a step. Why? Because he loses the feeling of security and safety that he should fully receive from his mother. After all, it is this that becomes the basis and a necessary condition for the development of the given properties of the child's psyche.
When the baby screams, the mother has to constantly calm her down and put even more effort into caring for him. Physical fatigue joins psychological tension and the condition is aggravated. The child feels these states of the mother and is capricious even more. The circle is closed.
Knowledge of system-vector psychology allows you to restore inner balance to a young mother, and at the same time normalize the psychological state of the baby.
The mother is calm - the child is calm. Everybody gets enough sleep, mom has time to do everything and begins to remember about dad not only when diapers come to an end, but also at other moments of family life … and suddenly it turns out that life did not collapse after the hospital, but had just begun.
Now let's talk about the young father.
How to beat off a wife from a child
Yes, he really does feel abandoned. For different reasons.
On the one hand, the woman now gives all her attention, tenderness and love to the child. All her time, feelings and thoughts are occupied by him. This is especially acute with the first child, when the mother does not have experience, confidence in her abilities and understanding that "Groundhog Day" will pass and everything will fall into place.
On the other hand, all the negative manifestations of insufficient realization in a woman, such as resentment, irritability, tantrums, reticence and the like, are regarded by a man as “out of love”, “she doesn't need me” or “this is what she really is”.
Yes, he is actually happy with his child. Every man wants to prolong his lineage. The only thing he needs is time. Nature did not guarantee him unconditional love for the baby in an instant, as a woman through the maternal instinct. Father's love grows gradually, and the older the child, the stronger it becomes.
A man shows his love through concern for the well-being of his family, through the desire to provide his relatives with everything they need. He is often convinced that this is his contribution to the life of the family, and he is sincerely surprised when additional demands are made against him - for caring for a child or running a household.
This approach is characteristic of the owners of the skin vector - pragmatic, precise, ambitious natures, for whom time is money, so the loss of time is stress. It is easier for them to hire a nanny than to wander in the park with a stroller, it is easier to come up with diapers than to wash diapers, it is easier to buy an expensive rocking chair, but not to rock the baby for hours, etc.
Without a systemic understanding, the dermal spouse and wife with the anal vector lose understanding and are very far from each other, constantly finding reasons for quarrels. It is extremely difficult for a woman with an anal vector to entrust her baby to a stranger, so she is unlikely to allow a nanny to him, and she will regard such an initiative of the dad as indifference and unwillingness to deal with her child.
The already tense psychological state of the newly-made dad is aggravated by sexual frustrations. Hormonal changes in a woman's body, recovery after childbirth, a sharp shortage of free time and physical fatigue often bring the intimate relationship of spouses to naught.
First of all, a man suffers from this. Even if he consciously tries to convince himself of the need to wait, unconscious desires cannot be controlled by consciousness and can result in negative internal states.
So, the sexual dissatisfaction of a man with an anal vector can manifest itself as increased resentment, a tendency to groundless criticism, verbal sadism - insults, humiliation, sarcasm. As potentially the best (responsible, loyal and caring) husband and father, he feels left out of his wife's attention, and this leads to resentment.
As a result, a beloved and loving man hurts, although he values his family and cares, but immediately brings suffering to a loved one.
When you understand the subconscious motives of his actions, you get the opportunity to influence the situation.
Life after childbirth
A child cannot destroy a family, but can only become its decoration, addition, extension. However, by the will of fate, it often becomes a test of our family relations for strength. To maintain a relationship, we must learn to understand what we expect from a partner and what he wants.
Having a baby can and should be the most joyous event in your family life. Nature has endowed you with parenting abilities and entrusted you to grow a new personality. And this is not an accident at all. If it is given to you, then you can!
This means that you are able to understand yourself and defeat your demons, build strong and happy paired relationships and raise a happy child.
All that remains is to improve your psychological literacy, arm yourself with the latest knowledge, acquire a unique skill of systems thinking, as hundreds of happy mothers have already done.
Very soon free online lectures on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.
Register now and discover new facets of your life: parenting talent, happiness of motherhood, enjoyment of couples. Who knows, maybe you will get a taste and give birth to another baby?..