The man does not work and does not help. Leave or save the marriage?
And yet, hope does not fade, maybe you can still fix everything, help him find himself, and then maybe your relationship will improve. What have you not tried to lift him off the couch, but he still comes back there. What to do? Is there an opportunity to help your husband find a job and bring peace back to the family?
You have been together for many years, and when you met, he had a job and prospects. But a lot has changed since then. Now he does not work or is interrupted by odd jobs, more and more often sits on the couch in front of the TV or on the Internet. You work, clean the house, cook food, try to be an exemplary wife, but unspoken questions have accumulated inside you: “How long can you sit on my neck? Yes, you have to plow on you, but you fell apart like a log! And why did I connect my life with such a man?"
Your patience is running out. Quarrels break out every now and then. And yet, hope does not fade, maybe you can still fix everything, help him find himself, and then maybe your relationship will improve. What have you not tried to lift him off the couch, but he still comes back there. What to do? Is there an opportunity to help your husband find a job and bring peace back to the family?
We will answer these questions with the help of the knowledge of the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan.
Why is he sitting on the couch?
If divorce is a last resort for you, then let's first look at how you can save your relationship and help your man realize himself. And first let's try to understand the reason why he does nothing and cannot find a job.
Such difficulties often occur in men with an anal vector. They are, in potential, the best specialists in their field, who try to do their job conscientiously, with the highest quality. These are people of habit. They gain their authority and vast life experience over the years, but it can be quite difficult for such people at the start. They are conservative, and it is difficult for them to change something.
Such a man may need more time to learn some skills, develop a working rhythm, begin to cope with all the new responsibilities. Somewhat slow, such people are very afraid of making a mistake, disgracing themselves, showing themselves not from their best side. This fear is always there, it just can manifest itself in different ways. With a good life scenario, it is this fear that acts as the driving force for professional growth and fulfillment. But it happens that because of this fear, a person becomes unsure of himself, from excitement he can stutter and even fall into a stupor. If he has ever had a bad experience at work, he may fear that he will not cope with his duties.
This can lead to the fact that he will stay at home. Uncertainty in his abilities will interfere with the search for a new job: he will feel that he does not have enough qualifications for the offered vacancies, he will worry that he does not have all the necessary skills. This feeling that he is not good enough, which is unconsciously read by others, can lead to the fact that he will indeed be refused several times at an interview, after which he will feel even more insecure, and it will become more and more difficult for him to take this step each time. - try yourself in the profession.
A loving woman nearby can show him what he is good at, what his dignity is and what he is good at. Inspired by her words and support, such a man will make every effort to realize his best qualities. And systemic thinking will help push the husband into a field of activity where he will feel like a fish in water.
An older man may have a different reason to sit on the sofa. Having worked for 10-20 years in one place, he feels that he literally gave himself to his work, and expects in return from others respect and recognition of his merits. If such a person is suddenly faced with dismissal, he experiences this as the strongest injustice towards himself, and this is a huge blow to his psyche. This makes him resentful, which is the reason that such a person sits on the sofa.
Resentment is the feeling of blatant injustice: “I was underestimated! I am not respected! They don't reckon with me! I did so much and they just kicked me out! They don't know how to work there at all! What are they going to do there without me? " Every day, vocalizing his resentment to his wife, relatives and friends, such a person is more and more asserted in his own righteousness. And in the presence of upper vectors - visual and / or sound - such a person manifests a strong sense of wounded pride.
For the owner of the visual vector, this is manifested by emotional swings that go around the thought: "They disliked me and did not understand why I should love and respect someone?" And the sound engineer may not speak his thoughts, but at the same time he thinks that everyone around is stupid, they can’t do anything, but he is the only smart one. But he will not go to work until those around him recognize how irreplaceable he is, ask him for forgiveness and call them themselves.
It does not even occur to him that other people live their own lives and did not think of offending him at all, it just happened - he was cut, for example. Others in such a situation find work for several months, they do not sit on the sofa with the thought that someone owes them something, they just live on.
Not only does an offense lead such a man to inhibition in life, up to a complete stop of his implementation, it also makes him unbearable in communication: he always pesters, finds fault with trifles, reads notations. And this petty criticism further exacerbates an already difficult relationship.
But if a woman wants to save the marriage, she can help her husband overcome his resentment. This can be done by speaking delicately with your husband about his dismissal and his prospects in life. Based on the knowledge of his psychology (you can find out in great detail about this already at the free online training), you can choose the right key and help him. Not to hurt the patient, but to listen and understand. This will give him strength.
A person with an anal vector is literally stuck in the past, and this painful experience prevents him from seeing the present state of affairs. Therefore, after listening to such a person and his pain - which in itself gives some relief to his condition - his wife needs to return his attention to the present moment, gradually directing his thoughts to what he can really do right now. It is good for such a person to give reverse examples - about how many things happen with justice, how in life one who honestly does his job and does not pay attention to some kind of injustice, achieves a lot with his work.
In no case should such a man be sawed and made constant claims - this will not help to move him from his place, but, on the contrary, will make him take root even more in his resentment towards the world. Your constant claims to your husband will confirm him in the idea that you do not understand him, that you are not on his side in his problems. And this will make him even more offended, but now in relation to you, and then it will be much more difficult for you to establish relations with him.
Crushed by the meaninglessness of everything
There is an even more serious reason that can keep your man on the couch: if he is the owner of a sound vector, this is an inner feeling of the futility of all efforts, a feeling of meaninglessness, frailty of being. Day in and day out, the same burdensome: work-at-home, work-at home … Routine, some kind of senseless fuss. Why is this all? What's the point of this?
He asks himself such questions and cannot answer them. And this gives rise to a feeling of painful emptiness and hopelessness in his soul. He does not understand how to resist these sensations, how to find this sought-after meaning and happiness in life, because a person with a sound vector cannot be satisfied with the material, simple, earthly, everyday.
His desire is the desire to know the world, to expand his boundaries of knowledge with his abstract intellect, to find answers to complex questions and riddles of this world. This innate talent can be realized in science or programming, in music and foreign languages. And in knowing yourself - in any profession.
Such people are often polyglots, they have beautiful-sounding foreign speech and the ability to speak almost without an accent. Through music, languages of various nations, through programming languages, these people embody their unconscious search for meaning in everything, meaning that will fill life and become the reason why wake up in the morning. And the moments of acquiring and experiencing this meaning become moments of the highest pleasure for the sound engineer.
But even if your man is an intellectual worker, a crisis may occur in his life, which will appear with the feeling: “everything is meaningless”, “there is no point in doing something”, “there is no point in everything”. Having a powerful abstract intellect, the sound engineer can feel the narrowness of his specialization, the narrowness of scientific research, the lack of methods and concepts used, and it will seem to him that he is out of place. He will lack something more, lack an occupation in which he could realize his potential, something that will capture him and satisfy his inner request for knowledge.
When a man does not realize his sound desires, then a painful feeling of meaninglessness can push him out of an active social life, and then he locks himself in four walls to read Nietzsche or Goethe … or simply spends his days aimlessly wandering around the Internet in search of something he needs, but elusive. Something that he himself cannot grasp and formulate for himself to the end. In this state, he strives for loneliness, and the people around him can irritate him, but internally he suffers very much from the fact that no one understands him.
A woman who is in a relationship with him can be painfully hurt by his isolation, detachment, laconicism, a look in himself, as well as often unwillingness to perform simple everyday tasks, somehow help - wash the dishes, take out the trash. It seems that he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care and it’s impossible to get through to him. But the truth is that a sound engineer who does not realize his potential begins to go more and more into his thoughts, reflections, into the additional reality of the Internet. And a simple everyday life sometimes causes him a state close to hatred. Knowledge of System-Vector Psychology helps to understand the reason for such conditions in a husband - the eternal hunger of his abstract intellect, which leads to the fact that the sound engineer becomes closed on himself. And by understanding the reason, you will know how to talk to him,how to awaken in him the desire for an active life.
The solution to this problem is to help your husband direct his thought process to something that is important not only to himself - to some real task, the implementation of which will use his abilities and pull him out of focus on himself. You can help him to use some of his unique professional knowledge, as if by chance throwing him information from the world of his professional environment. You can start talking to him about this search for him, carefully, unobtrusively, because, perhaps, he himself is not fully aware of it. When your husband feels that you understand him, and do not condemn and pester him with an endless list of household chores, this in itself will cause him great relief and new interest in you and your relationship. Soul talk about his problem will help him understand that he is not alone,and your support will make him believe in his own strength and begin to realize everything that he has long dreamed of!
How to get a man to work: pressure or inspiration?
When a man constantly does nothing, the woman has complaints against him. She first asks to do something, then persuades, then begins to break down on him - and everything is useless.
The more you scream, the more you emotionally move away from him, the more coldness appears between you, from day to day barricades literally grow between you. The more painfully a man reacts to a cry with a sound vector.
It is even worse if a woman, without waiting for help from her husband, begins to demonstratively do everything on her own, as if humiliating his manhood and trampling him as a man. Seeing this behavior of his wife, the husband even less wants to help her and participate in her life. After all, she does not reckon with him, does not allow him to prove herself, decides everything for the two of them. And when he got married, he wanted to see next to him not the commander, but a loving woman who cares about him and understands him, whom he will be able to make happy.
After all, the task of a man in a pair relationship is to give a woman a feeling of security and comfort from the fact that he is near. And when she does everything herself, she literally does not allow him to prove himself a real man, and this annoys him, leads to the appearance of a feeling of uselessness, infringement in these relations.
A woman is a gingerbread for a man
We ourselves do not realize that a lot in a man's life depends on the woman who is next to him. Many men who have achieved something in life (for example, Mark Zuckerberg) say that they all succeeded thanks to the support of their wife. How can you inspire a man to work, improve family relationships, help his wife?
When a man lies on the couch for a long time, the woman willy-nilly starts thinking about whether this is the man she needs? And she emotionally moves away from him, constantly feels dissatisfaction, begins to find fault with him, trying to force him to do something through her reproaches. And here we make a fatal mistake, as you can already see.
When a woman emotionally moves away from a man, she herself thus destroys this relationship. This leads to the fact that a man and a woman in a pair are no longer for each other, they are on their own. She's not sure if this is her man. He, too, was tired of such a relationship. And in such a situation, on any advice from his wife, the husband will burst into a tirade of accusations and humiliating words.
Only when a woman is truly emotionally involved in a problem, a man's experiences, truly cares about him, believes in him and wants happiness with him, she leads him to the realization of his potential. Now it may seem to you that this is impossible, but the experience of hundreds of couples after Yuri Burlan's training suggests otherwise.
We tend to underestimate the importance of attraction, we think: how can you think about this when the couple has more difficult problems?
In fact, the core of a man's psyche is precisely the desire for a woman. It pushes a man to overcome any difficulties only so that she smiles at him, be gentle with him. And a woman can become desirable for her man, even if a chill has begun between you. Revitalizing your sex drive and forging an emotional connection can make wonderful marital changes.
Divorce or second honeymoon?
Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology training will help you understand the reasons for your husband's behavior, see him as you may have never known him, and build relationships with him in order to jointly build your happiness together. When he feels in you trust and faith in him, understanding, not condemnation, he will not only find a job (if he is mentally healthy), but will also do everything to please his beloved woman.
And even if you do decide to divorce, you will clearly understand how you live on, how to make the separation the least painful for both of you. Understanding the laws by which relationships are built in a couple will help not to repeat the negative experience of relationships in the future. You can get the first insights already at the free online training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan.