Childhood jealousy: understanding, not punishment
The constant jealousy of the older child towards the younger is not at all the norm, and whether the firstborn gets rid of this feeling depends on the behavior of the parents. All impulses and desires of the child are rooted in his mental characteristics. The properties inherent in him by nature set all possible cause-and-effect justifications for his behavior and reactions. Let us consider the various manifestations of the older child's jealousy towards the younger systemically.
Childhood jealousy: elder versus younger
When preparing for the birth of their second child, one of the many concerns parents have is the thought of how the firstborn will get along with the future brother or sister. Conversations, persuasions, explanations that a newborn will require a lot of energy and attention … All this often does not help to avoid the appearance of such a feeling as childish jealousy.
- Our eldest is terribly jealous of her husband for his daughter. As soon as dad takes the baby in his arms, screams and psychos immediately begin. When we are not around, we have already noticed more than once that he seeks to spoil the baby, at least pick up and hide the dummy. Will take it and not give it back. She says everything to her, but they forgot about me. He does not want to get used to the fact that the baby requires special care, and does not want to help a bit. Unless only to promise him some gift for this. I don’t know how to change the attitude of my son to my daughter.
The constant jealousy of the older child towards the younger is not at all the norm, and whether the firstborn gets rid of this feeling depends on the behavior of the parents.
All impulses and desires of the child are rooted in his mental characteristics. The properties inherent in him by nature set all possible cause-and-effect justifications for his behavior and reactions. Let us consider the various manifestations of the older child's jealousy towards the younger systemically.
Now I have to share toys with my brother ?
Jealousy as a result of the feeling of losing one's position, deprivation of the possible advantages that it gave, manifests itself in the owners of the skin vector.
The skin type of psyche manifests itself in the child with such properties as rivalry, the desire to win at all costs, to get the main prize, to take possession of as many toys as possible, for example. The jealousy of an older child towards a younger child may be based precisely on the fact that he is afraid that he will get less, both attention and any material rewards.
Skin-type jealousy must be tackled with firm decisions and strict discipline. Having created a clear, and most importantly, reasonable and understandable framework of behavior for the skin child, you will only help him to find ground under his feet. Let him be sure that, regardless of other factors, for compliance with the agreements, he will receive his reward and that any deprivation will be the result of his own behavior, and not increased attention to another baby.
At the same time, encourage the cunning jealous person for agreeing to help you, but not only financially. Find time to spend it with an older child, it is best to visit with him where you have not yet been, play outdoor games, solve logic puzzles. It is these activities that children with a skin vector love most of all. Show the older child that his place in the house is not occupied by anyone, he is the firstborn, he is the leader, and if the child learns to behave correctly towards the younger, then he will certainly be rewarded for this.
The older child's jealousy: "I was not given enough"
- Our daughter is already 5 years old, the son was born 6 months ago. During pregnancy, my daughter behaved perfectly, she was looking forward to her brother just like me. We talked a lot, I tried to explain that when the baby is born, I will have to devote a lot of time to him. My daughter nodded in agreement, asking all the time if she could be helped. I gladly agreed. But as soon as my son and I crossed the threshold of the house, my eldest seemed to be replaced. She, not having time to look at him, was offended and did not want to talk to anyone all day. Now everything is even worse, she is constantly stubborn, says that we only love our brother. If suddenly I scold her for something, she immediately bursts into tears with the words: "You only love him, but shout at me all the time!" Although sometimes she unexpectedly turns into an assistant, she so affectionately looks after her brother, but this does not last long. A couple of minutes from assistant to prickly hedgehog. Help, I just don't know how to be …
There was understanding, resentment appeared. There was a desire to help, suddenly turned into stubbornness, and quite often it turns into aggression and a desire to harm. The reasons for childhood jealousy of this kind are completely different, and we will also cope with them by other methods.
Formerly an obedient child, ready to gladly help his mother, who suddenly turned into an offended jealous person, is a child with an anal vector.
All his senses are sharpened under a clear perception of justice. And above all, they are acutely aware of the unfair attitude towards themselves. Hence all the troubles and all the advantages. A child with an anal vector just wants to receive as much parental attention as the youngest. In addition, he expects praise for his behavior, his work. This is his main need for relationships with parents and other people.
The jealousy of an older child of this type is due precisely to the swaying sense of justice. He perceives the estrangement of his mother with a special tragedy, he feels abandoned, and his basic sense of security suffers from this.
Parents began to devote more time to the newborn, this is natural for them. They try to involve the child in caring for the baby in order to teach him to care and love him, and he is already offended, he sees in the brother the cause of the unfairness that is happening. What kind of help here … One stubbornness.
When parents do not understand the state of their child, they scold him for taking offense at the whole family, thereby they only worsen his condition, further inflame resentment inside. If the situation does not change for a long time, then it can easily come to the aggressive attitude of the older child towards the younger, cruelty towards him, the desire to hit, push, take away the toy.
Cruelty and aggressiveness are the reverse sides of the positive qualities of a child with an anal vector, when his grievances take root and germinate. With his cruelty, and in fact just revenge, the older child tries to equalize the feeling of injustice that gnaws at him, and the situation worsens more and more.
To reduce the older child's jealousy of the younger, as already mentioned, it is imperative to find time for him personally. In a situation where the younger needs constant care, the parents are happy that the elder is already largely independent and can do without outside help. Try not to leave this unnoticed and not take it for granted: before, for the same actions, your elder probably would have received his share of well-deserved praise! In no case should he be deprived of this.
A child with an anal vector will fulfill requests for help in caring for the baby with pleasure if the mother shows him how important his help is, what a great clever and well done he is, how well he copes with the role of an older brother (sister). It is necessary to celebrate all his merits, all the small steps towards the youngest, and your always offended jealous person will reach out to help and, moreover, will become the best helper in the world. Your praise is very important to him, support him! After all, children with an anal vector naturally strive to be the best in everything.
Childhood jealousy: quarrels with each other and with parents
- We have three children. My husband is on the road all the time, mostly I try to cope with them. All three of them are always jealous of me. Someone is always offended that I spend less time with him, they quarrel with each other. Although they reconcile afterwards, it is very difficult to see how they constantly squabble and they often blame me for everything. How to reconcile them once and for all, I don't know …
Different children have different types of psyche. The older one may be skinny, the middle one may have an anal vector, the younger one may have something else. System-vector psychology distinguishes 8 vectors, each of which has its own manifestations, its own individual reactions to various situations. What turns out to be a fatal offense for a child with an anal vector will not arouse any attention from the skinny.
The more balanced the inner states of each of the children are, the less reason they will have to be dissatisfied, the less they will want to quarrel and fight.
Parents need to learn the main thing - to give each child what he needs from nature. Not to praise the leatherworker for washing the dishes for himself and his sisters, but to encourage him with an interesting thing for him. Do not load a child with an anal vector five times in a row to water all the flowers in the house without saying a word of praise, but distribute this responsibility equally, today you, tomorrow he …
It is also necessary to take into account the fact that vectors are combined, which means that there may be several reasons for jealousy. It is very difficult to maintain the balance of all properties in an impulsive little man. As soon as they did not give it away, it was insult, and as soon as it was overlooked, it was jealousy. Maintaining this balance is difficult. Caring for a newborn and managing to completely cover the lack of an older child is doubly difficult. But knowing the peculiarities of the psyche of their jealous person, it will be much easier for parents to learn to balance among these fine lines and avoid the furious and destructive jealousy of the older child towards the younger.
