How to get married for love and divorce for convenience
The phrase "consumer marriage" hurts a Russian person's ear. Our newlyweds who marry for love, as in the "old days", believe that love will be eternal, and in response to a question about the marriage contract, they indignantly answer that, they say, "the office is writing" and that their feelings are higher than some pieces of paper.
The phrase "consumer marriage" hurts a Russian person's ear. While in the West it is difficult to find enthusiasts entering into a family union without a marriage contract, this practice has not yet taken root in Russia. Our newlyweds who marry for love, as in the "old days", believe that love will be eternal, and in response to a question about the marriage contract, they indignantly answer that, they say, "the office is writing" and that their feelings are higher than some pieces of paper. Merciless statistics tell about the further fate of these happy and naive weddings: according to Rosstat, every second of the marriages concluded in 2011-2012 ended in divorce. But even ten years ago, only every third couple was divorced …
Divorce - and a maiden name!
According to statistics, the main reasons for divorce are alcohol / drug addiction, domestic violence and the haste of the marriage itself. For those who enter into marriage quite consciously and do not harass each other with bad habits, other problems come to the fore: from unpreparedness for living together at the everyday and psychological level to marital infidelity - everything that was previously hidden under the vague “did not agree characters.
Today, the thought “to live your whole life in perfect harmony and die in one day” is more likely to cause confusion and boredom. Even anal-visual women who are prone to nesting and building a home are ready to change partners if they manage to marry each of them. What can we say about the representatives (and especially about the representatives) of other vectors for whom loyalty is not an absolute value! As long as the first feelings are strong, as long as love is alive, they exist quite tolerably in the bosom of the family, but it is worth weakening this love chemistry - and they can no longer be held back …
Instead of working on relationships and trying to save the family, the spouses, pumped up with irritation and disappointment, go to the registry office again. A formal divorce procedure in one fell swoop solves all their problems, and each of them again sets off on a solo voyage in search of love and happiness.
It is surprising that, on the one hand, the traditional approach to love without contracts and receipts is relevant, which makes newlyweds resent the practice of signing marriage contracts, and on the other hand, no less traditional patriarchal attitudes towards a long family life with one partner do not work at all. All these "will endure and fall in love", "one wife for all time", "the first wife from God" and other wisdom from grandmother's chests look like a Domostroev anachronism.
In fact, everything is simple: this effect is provided by the combination of the urethral-muscular mentality with the cutaneous phase of human development. On the one hand, swagger, lack of rules, and belief in luck create the “love vertigo” that accompanies marriage. Why do we need a contract if we have love ?! Love is sacred! Do not use dirty hands! Well, etc.
On the other hand, the skin phase, inevitably covering the vast Russian territories, dictates its own rules. Marriage as a form of relationship and an unshakable unit of society is gradually dying out. The main tendencies of the skin phase - the acceleration of all processes, development, standardization, globalization - do not contribute to the rapprochement of people within the family, but, on the contrary, push them to actively engage in the maximum number of processes and relationships around.
Another feature of the skin civilization is the cult of consumption. And today, most people who are married come to marriage as consumers, formulating their expectations from marriage with the words "I want …". When the relationship is built on the principle “I want to receive” and the husband and wife do not live for each other, but exclusively for themselves with the attitude “he owes me / she owes me”, such a relationship cannot be long-term. And if in America consumer marriages are very durable, it is only because their slightest nuances are regulated by law.
We have our own approach, a special one. A little something wrong - divorce and maiden name. The logic is simple and straightforward: why solve problems and work on relationships when you can just change your partner. However, those who believe that parting is the only right decision when the feeling of love is fading away, risk turning their lives into an endless groundhog day, in which there will be new loves, new marriages and endless new partings …
Why does love die? After all, it seemed that it would be forever …
Up to three years, the relationship is drawn out by animal nature, attraction between partners. The period of three years is determined by nature as a kind of guarantee period required by a woman in order to bear, give birth and raise a child until the age when he can walk, eat, drink, talk himself. Two-year-old children are able to follow “complex” instructions (consisting of 2-3 actions), they copy the behavior of adults and, to a certain extent, are able to serve themselves.
And therefore, three years after the onset, attraction weakens, no longer supported by the production of the corresponding hormones. The pattern of three years has long been noticed by psychologists and biologists, and - with special enthusiasm - by writers. However, this pattern does not at all follow that love is doomed in three years. When the physical attraction weakens, other aspects of the union of the two come to the fore. And here options are already possible.
The couple comes to a certain fork with a mythical stone on which it is written: "You will go to the right - you will keep your family, if you go to the left, you will find a new love." To the right are those who are ready to work on relationships, those who have created strong emotional ties with their half over these three years. Those who are tired of everything turn to the left, are drawn to the skin "new", want new sensations … And, accordingly, a new partner.
“They buy furniture in the first year. In the second year, the furniture is rearranged. In the third year, the furniture is divided. " This is approximately how the joint life of a man and a woman develops, according to the hero of the novel by Frederic Beigbeder "Love Lives 3 Years". In the novel, the three-year period of love is explained by the action of the hormone dopamine, which stimulates the emotional dependence of sexual partners. Beigbeder's book, and then the film based on it, illustrates this theory well with the story of the family life of the protagonist, which comes to a complete collapse in three years. By the way, Begbeder's parents divorced when he was 3 years old. Perhaps it was this fact that contributed to his transformation into a supporter of the theory of the limited life cycle of love.
Is love really doomed? Once (after the play "The Love Circle" based on the play by Somerset Maugham) my friend and I had a heated argument. The heroine of Elina Bystritskaya voiced the main message of the play: "The saddest thing about love is that it passes." When we exchanged impressions over a cup of coffee, I rushed with foam at my mouth to prove that true love does not die! However, in the dispute between a free woman and a woman in love and a woman burdened with almost twenty years of marriage and three children, it is very difficult to find a consensus.
After listening to my hot romantic nonsense, my wise friend sighed and calmly stated her views. “Imagine that you see the same man in front of you for twenty years in a row. Not only has he bored you to death, there is absolutely no way to get rid of him. He is often unshaven and sweaty, constantly scratching his … genitals, snoring, farts and stinks of socks. What kind of love can we talk about ?! At this point, for some reason, I remembered the words of Deneuve's skin-visual paintings that the best way to preserve a man's love is not to marry him … Or, more correctly, to preserve love for a man?.. The only thing is that it does not work for a skin-visual woman.
But love that lasts for years is not an invention. Even the cynic and lover of provocations Beigbeder in his book is not so simple as the title says. The protagonist has a new beloved, who, apparently, also remembered the words of Catherine Deneuve in time and therefore keeps him in suspense and at a distance, realizing that as soon as he gets her completely, he will lose interest in her at the end of the notorious three years. The last page of the book describes the day the lovers spent together, and ends with their passionate kisses one minute before the end of the fatal period.
So, three years have passed. What's next?
Love triangle
Any love story is always a triangle, the tops of which are he, she and love. Well, either he, he and love, or she, she and love. With any configuration, love always remains the same component. The intoxicating magic of the basic instinct can be so irresistible that it can unite two completely different people. The impulse of animal magnetism attracts them to each other, and as long as this attraction does not weaken, they are in love and happy. But as soon as the charge of sensuality is exhausted by at least one member of such a couple, he risks waking up one morning next to a completely stranger. Here is the end of the fairy tale!
The worst thing in this situation is for a woman. Rotation of partners for Russian women is a rather difficult option, because a woman in our country has much fewer opportunities to find a new partner than a man, for many reasons, from demographic to psychological. Still, our compatriots are still dominated by the conservative attitudes laid down in Soviet-style anal upbringing: "a woman should have one man", "I need a serious relationship", "I can't do this right away", "don't give a kiss without love" etc. And therefore, a woman who has fallen out of love or has fallen out of love risks being left alone for a long time.
In order to prevent such a bleak end, one must clearly realize that between two people there must always be something third, a kind of connecting link that can unite them when the animal attraction loses its original sharpness. Many people think that a common child will cope best with the role of a liaison, but, alas, this is not always the case. For people with upper vectors, a child - even the most beloved, desired and adored one - is not a factor cementing the family. They need the sexual partner himself to be the source of the connecting factor.
And therefore, while there is attraction, it is necessary to prepare the basis for the further development of relations. You need to create an emotional connection - not an addiction, but a full-fledged connection! - mutual trust, understanding, interest, emotional and spiritual closeness, which, after the extinction of animal attraction, can become the basis for further sexual and love relationships.
When a natural attraction escapes from a love triangle, something else should take its place, something that does not appear by itself, but is the result of working on relationships, constant movement towards each other. If, after three years of relationship between partners, a truly strong emotional attachment, intellectual closeness, spiritual kinship appears, and maybe even a common cause, then after these “honey three years” a stable sexual attraction remains between them. Only it is based not on the smell of pheromones, which appeal to the unconscious, animal attraction, but on emotions, the source of which is attachment. Relationships change, while remaining strong and sincere, and a human connection comes to replace animal attraction.
It is this kind of marriage that can become a marriage of a lifetime. If, of course, the woman manages to drag her beloved down the aisle …
I'm getting married!..
Men and women are made for each other. However, even the presence of love and a stable emotional connection does not guarantee marriage registration. What rationalizations men do not come up with for their unwillingness to formalize relations! You don't have to go far for examples.
The famous figure skater Alexei Yagudin and the equally famous figure skater Tatyana Totmianina have been together for five years, their daughter Elizabeth is already 4 years old. Alexey calls Tatiana his wife, although they are not officially scheduled. On one of the recent talk shows, when asked why they are still not married, Yagudin answered literally the following: “Why? A holiday, a ring, a white dress … An extra stamp in the passport … but why is it needed? If a person wants to leave, no stamp will hold anyone back. Why waste time and effort to put it? This is a typical statement of a man who does not want to formally tie himself with family ties. Everything is clear that in our country the most laborious and time-consuming action is getting a marriage stamp. As they say, no comment.
In fact, everything is simple: when a man and a woman begin to live together, this does not entail the need for a man to enter into an official marriage. Indeed, why? After all, he has already received everything - care, sex, comfort, and regular nutrition - no matter how cynical it may sound. Even if a woman in public agrees with a man and claims that this is her position too (“a holiday, a ring, a white dress, a stamp in the passport - well, why is all this”), this does not mean at all that she agrees with the situation that is for her knowingly losing.
If a man gets everything he needs from a woman before marriage, he does not need to formalize the relationship. Today men are less and less interested in marriage. Even those born for a family can live with their beloved woman for years and refuse to marry her … So what about the one who wants to become the legal wife of her beloved?
It is necessary to admit it to yourself in dosage, to do so that the man constantly has a shortage. It seems to have received, but still not completely. There is no need to put pressure on him, an intelligent woman will find an approach to him in such a way that he will think that marriage is his decision. He still has to persuade her … To do this, you need to understand the vectors of your chosen one, his preferences and life values.
Love, family, marriage, long-term relationships - all these are eternal and immutable values that evolve with human civilization. The skin phase of human development, which we have already entered, dictates its own rules and formats the relationship between a man and a woman in its own way. There are more and more questions, and “how to make him marry me” is just one of them, not the most important one, because marriage without love is fleeting and unsteady. Specific answers and understanding of the laws of development and strengthening of relationships can be obtained at the trainings "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan, which help to understand and accept not only oneself, but other people as well, learn to build long-term relationships without manipulation and pain.
